hopelesshappiness.com

I have spent this last week re-reading all the posts and pages on this web site. I have attempted to objectively assess how (or if) these thoughts in writing have helped to guide me closer to Happiness. I can say with some certainty that it has been a cathartic process that has (from a big picture perspective) created a more thoughtful, introspective, motivated me; but ...

Have those around me seen a difference? I honestly don't think anyone would say they have. By nature I am a bit surly, and I have certainly not become little miss sunshine; but would I have been more difficult and harder to live with if I had not created this forum in which to hold these one-way conversations? Of late, I believe the answer to that question is Yes. I think I would have been inching ever closer to the impossible end of the 'living with' spectrum if it weren't for these efforts. I could claim health issues/concerns or 'mid-life crisis' symptoms (which I guess I just did), but I recognize these claims as merely excuses. I talk about high standards and accountability, yet when it comes to controlling negative emotions I sometimes have difficulty walking the talk. In last week's post I said that a certain amount of grumpiness is okay because it simply reflects the reality that I believe is so important in the search for Truth and Wisdom; and I believe this is true ... to a point; sometimes I cross that line and find myself in the middle of another excuse.

I believe that I would have been more difficult to be around if not for the therapeutic benefits assimilated as a result of my soulful wanderings. So what specifically has helped?

1. Are there specific posts or constructs that have been more helpful than others?
2. Or is it the discipline and action of thinking and writing each week that has helped?
3. And if this is true (discipline and action) could I have thoughtfully written on a different, random topic each week and attained similar benefits?
4. Could I have attained similar benefits if I would have chosen a single topic other than Happiness to explore as deeply as I have and intend to, here?
5. Or (in fairness I have to ask) is it all just Philosophical 'Hibbety-Jibbety' with little or no relevance to our daily existence?

Answers:

1. Yes; there are specific posts and constructs that have been more helpful. I find myself re-reading Recipe for Happiness and Happiness Despite Disappointment once every couple of weeks. I am enthralled with the concept of Time as presented in Time and Happiness, and I refer frequently to The Periodic Happiness Table of Elements page and its associated posts, as well as Other-Worldly Happiness, Importance and Happiness, Silent Happiness, Decisive Happiness, and Happiness-Based Reality. I get a kick out of Unhappiness and find it to be an accurate description based on observations of myself and others nearby. I also enjoy Happy Christmas as a light-hearted getaway. Additionally I have referred to a certain James Baldwin quote more than once, that I find has considerable relevance to the ideas presented throughout this site. Overall I am satisfied with the direction thus far, but know that I need to continue forward.
2. Yes; the discipline and action of writing each week has helped. But ... the synergy is multiplied by relevance; (see #3 below).
3. Maybe; it is possible I could have written on a different, random topic each week and attained similar benefits. I believe we search for answers on topics that are relevant and potentially helpful. If we are not in need of answers on BIG Life questions, then the discipline of consistent thinking / acting on or in random areas of interest (I believe) can result in similar benefits.
4. A single topic other than Happiness may have provided similar benefits, but only if the single topic had specific relevance to me. I chose Happiness because (though I tried) I simply could not reconcile the current 'positive psychology' movement with the reality of day-to-day living. It felt false and I desperately wanted to understand (and still do) the interdependent relationships between happiness (with a small 'h'), Happiness (with a big 'H'), Truth, Wisdom, Purpose, inner peace, and exoteric goodness.
5. No, it is not 'Hibbety-Jibbety'. I strongly believe that this type of questioning/searching/thought has considerable relevance. It has made a difference for me, and I would like to think that anyone with even the tiniest bit of spirituality would agree; but I still had to ask the question.

Final Answer: Yes, there have been tangible benefits, but ... I cannot lose sight of the overriding premise - Consistent Long-lasting Happiness (CLH) is hopeless; the best we can hope for is Relative Momentary Happiness (RMH), and by living a Life grounded in reality, with open eyes, the possibility of increasing the length and frequency of those moments of Happiness. I will say again, with considerable objective certainty, this web site has helped. Hopelessness encourages Hope.

Last week in the post 'Health and Happiness' I touched on how "satisfaction begets dissatisfaction". Throughout these posts and pages I have suggested that Happiness is best not chased after, but instead allowed to find us (often unexpectedly) as a result of our efforts towards Truth, Wisdom, inner peace, and exoteric goodness. This week I have found a continuation to this line of thinking in that just as Happiness finds us, so too does pain. Whether emotional, spiritual, mental, or physical, (just as Happiness cannot be sought after and found) pain does not discriminate and cannot be avoided. Granted, there are ways to mitigate the likelihood of unintentional self-inflicted pain, and there are ways to enhance opportunities for Relative Momentary Happiness (RMH), but there are many instances of both pain and Happiness that simply happen; and the more such instances of one (partially due to the resulting heightened awareness), the more such instances of the other.

So should we avoid Truth and Wisdom to lessen the likelihood of pain? Should we practice the art of unreality by 'acting' cheerful and creating a persona? Should we choose a perpetual state of blissful ignorance? For me the answer is No. I will accept the pain of Happiness to experience the satisfaction of a Life lived with open eyes.

As a result of this philosophy though, I too often find myself tending towards grumpiness, impatience, or (at worst) anger. I deal with these tendencies in two different ways:

1. I let the reality of my feelings shine through; especially with those feelings / reactions that may be unpleasant but typically do no long-term damage, such as a little surliness or impatience. I believe this is simply practicing the reality that I preach.
2. If I catch myself tending towards an extreme such as anger, I will utilize a crutch such as gratitude, optimism, or even (occasionally) unwilling sacrifice. At times circumstances dictate the use of one or more crutch to keep the peace. This is more often the case (for me anyway) in a work setting or around strangers and/or casual acquaintances.

Sometimes I don't catch myself. Other times I misjudge my intensity or the recipient's sensitivity. When this occurs (and when I am thinking clearly) I revert to various guiding principles such as compassion, patience, humility and persistence to help set things right. (Refer to the Periodic Happiness Table of Elements for further explanation of Guiding Principles and Crutches.)

As is usually the case, I am more successful in thoughts and words than in actions; yet I find that thoughts and words are a positive influence on actions.

Pain is Growth.

In this post I want to talk about healthy habits as they apply to physical health, leaving spiritual, emotional, and intellectual health for another time. I think it's important to note the qualification just made - "healthy habits as they apply to physical health" - meaning that optimal health is not necessary for healthy habits. In fact, I have found that less than optimal health can prove to be a jumping-off point, encouraging healthy habits.

First, some personal background. After a disability (Meniere's Syndrome) five years ago, that put me out of work, unable to drive, I was feeling a little sorry for myself and spent three years practicing a sedentary life of excess that added nearly 50 pounds to what had previously been a fairly acceptable size. Then a minor heart attack prompted a rash of exercise (fighting through and around disabling limitations as I was able) and healthy eating that resulted in the loss of more than 50 pounds in four months. I have been able to maintain these habits (and the weight) for the past two years. I was lucky. My disability, though debilitating in many ways, still allowed (as many disabilities do) for a challenging regimen of exercise. From this experience I have (so far) learned the following:

1. Successfully overcoming adversity is very satisfying.
2. Exercising and eating right is enabling, helping to balance the disabling factors that stalk all of us (officially disabled or not) as we age.
3. The better I feel, the better I want to feel; or - satisfaction begets dissatisfaction; or - the greater the number of 'moments of Happiness' the greater the number of 'moments of Unhappiness'.

The majority of us can make a conscious decision to adopt healthy habits regardless of our starting point. I essentially spent 50 years eating and doing (or not doing) what I wanted. Now I am back to full-time work, eating right, and exercising regularly, and though I'm fighting continued and gradually increasing Meniere's symptoms, I have never felt better; and that gives me more frequent 'moments of Happiness' while keeping me grounded in a very 'real' reality.

Perhaps after 50 years of healthy habits, when I turn 100, I'll allow myself to again eat what I want, when I want. I can only hope that KFC is still around.

For the third time in recent weeks, I want to visit this James Baldwin quote: "People who shut their eyes to reality simply invite their own destruction, and anyone who insists on remaining in a state of innocence long after that innocence is dead turns himself into a monster."

In these posts and pages we have consistently emphasized the importance of accounting for 'reality', but I'm not sure we have satisfactorily answered the question - What is Reality? I'm not sure we can satisfactorily answer that question, but I feel pretty certain about the following:

1. My Reality is not the same as your Reality.
2. Reality is Perception which changes with each passing moment.
3. Reality is not a reflection of Truth and Wisdom.
4. Happiness will occasionally find us in the form of Relative Momentary Happiness (RMH) as a result of our search for Truth and Wisdom.
5. Truth and Wisdom are ultimately unattainable constants that we can only hope to get near but will never know with any degree of certainty how close we may be.

From the beliefs as stated above I have come to the conclusion that ...

... (I could say something inconsequentially / predictably clever here like) 'Reality is not real' (or) 'Reality is a lie/illusion/conspiracy', (but I don't believe that. I believe that) ...

Reality is Change. And I interpret what James Baldwin said as 'those who don't adapt and those who actively resist the fact of change, are those who invite their own destruction and take a chance at becoming a monster.' So what does this have to do with our search for Truth and Wisdom, and our desire to experience Happiness? I will attempt to answer this (circuitously) in the paragraphs below.

We tend to like change that we initiate, struggle with change that others initiate, and dislike (sometimes vehemently) change that we disagree with. So typically if we are struggling with or disagreeing with change, emotions come into play which will impede reason and clarity - critical components of Truth-Seeking that should be tempered with a healthy dose of introspective skepticism. Seldom do we gain peace or exude goodness when we are emotional. Even positive emotions (at their best) are simply contagious and while likely harmless they are only helpful for the short-term. Of course numerous short-term periods of positive emotion strung together may seem like one has found the answer to long-term Happiness, but is it True Happiness? Or are we ignoring Reality; (i.e. Change)?

If reality is change, and if we cannot avoid uninvited or disagreeable change, then positive emotion is a false Happiness. To embrace change and inch closer to True Happiness we must first recognize and acknowledge change as self-initiated or uncontrolled/uninvited, and/or disagreeable. If uncontrolled/uninvited we must decide if it is agreeable, during which time we struggle. If we decide any change (self-initiated or uncontrolled/uninvited) is disagreeable, we then have some options. Based on observations of myself (and others) options for reacting to disagreeable change include a) cover it up with positive emotion; b) resist; c) feign indifference or apathy; d) respond with damaging negative emotions such as anger; or e) embrace it honestly and adapt. (I may be missing some, but as stated, these are the options I typically choose from for myself and notice from others.) We are fools (and not in a good way) if we are angered by change, naive if we resist all change, lazy if we act indifferent towards change, and stagnant / ignorant (impeding our chances of learning and growth) if we blithely accept change with (false?) good cheer.

So that leaves option 'e' (embrace change honestly and adapt) which I find very difficult. I believe that is the right answer but I seldom get there without first frolicking through one or (usually) more of the other choices. And when I do finally get there I tend to adapt with reluctance and some lingering hurt; (my embrace is not gentle and loving). I am finding that it helps to anticipate the fact of change without getting hung up on lamenting what the change could have been or should have been, or predicting what the change will be or when it will occur. When I focus simply on the fact that change is inevitable and I do not try to manipulate or control all aspects of the future or the past, I adapt more freely and willingly; but I find this difficult to do consistently.

It is okay to plan and think ahead and we should behave in the present with an eye to the future as discussed in the recent post "Time and Happiness" - but when (not if, but when) things don't turn out as planned, disappointment is a waste of time.

Writing and re-reading this post, it feels somewhat scattered in places, perhaps reflecting my uncertainties and lack of success (not to mention disappointments) in controlling future (and past) realities. We are all faced with choices of how to adapt, often several times in a week or even in a day. I am confident that successfully adapting to change (Reality) with no hard feelings will lead us towards Happiness and help us to avoid our own destruction. But still, I am faced with the challenge of how to practice what I preach.

I don't believe you can just decide to be Happy and it will come about; (keeping in mind that Happiness is intertwined with Truth and Wisdom). I do believe you can decide to be cheerful, and either be cheerful or successfully fake it; and that is okay. In either case (cheerfulness or Happiness) the variables outside of our control that bombard us daily, add a degree of unavoidable unpredictability.

... But that's not what I want to talk about.

When I say 'Decisive Happiness' I am referring to our ability to make decisions and the role this plays in Happiness. Simply put - where one falls on the spectrum of indecisiveness-------decisiveness will vary with each situation, and is to a large extent dependent on how easily you believe you will be able to move past potential regret. In theory, the more important a decision, the more we fear regret, and the more we agonize over the decision. Some though are so afraid to make any kind of mistake (regret) that they seldom make a decision. In reality making no decision is making a decision; but we fool ourselves into thinking that if something goes wrong as a result of our 'no decision' we can blame someone else. If this is familiar we should prompt ourselves to move past this indecision with the reminder that we learn more from our mistakes than from our successes; (I learn a lot every day).

So if procrastination or 'no decision' cannot be used as an excuse, the challenge remains to properly balance the agonizing indecisiveness that comes pre-decision with any regret that may come post-decision. In other words we must weigh potential consequences (the importance of the decision) and appropriately debate, research, and seek Wisdom so if we do make a mistake, regret is minimized and we can more quickly move on. Obviously, the more important a decision, the more care that must be taken; i.e. the more patience we must have with due diligence. We only need to take care that it is an 'active' patience and not procrastination disguised as patience.

... But that's not what I want to talk about; (though I think we're getting close).

Studies show that we (humans) tend to assign more value to present/here and now rewards than we do to future rewards. Additionally we typically deflate future benefits when weighed against present cost. Diet and exercise are perfect examples: we want ice cream today (present) and plan to diet tomorrow (future). Some studies show that future value is generally devalued by half its actual benefit, so if exercise has a present cost of 6 and the future benefits of exercise are in reality valued at 8, we will perceive that future value as a 4; therefore we do not exercise, thinking that the (present) cost is greater than the (future) benefit.

... And that's what I want to talk about.

When we make a decision we must take into account the future and value it properly. Patience as Willpower will lead us to more beneficial decisions, closer to Truth and Wisdom and Happiness. And not just us, but those around us as well. If we are in a position to make decisions that impact others we are obligated to utilize strength, discipline, and patience as willpower to lead by example, thus moving us all towards Happiness. If we are indecisive due to procrastination (or worse - apathy) disguised as patience or due diligence, the results are at best counter-productive and at worst destructive.

Patience as Willpower.

... And that's what I'm talking about!