hopelesshappiness.com

Each morning over the past two weeks, standing at a marked pedestrian crosswalk, not one car (out of 60-70) stopped to allow me to cross, ignoring both

1. the signs telling them to yield for pedestrians and
2. me-the-pedestrian waiting to cross.

Yet in this same period, after giving drivers sufficient opportunity to see me I would hit the button to trigger the flashing yellow lights and almost without fail, the oncoming vehicles stopped. I am working to understand the mindset that will 1) follow a blatant, in-your-face, flashing-light command to ‘save the pedestrian’ and 2) at the same time ignore the pedestrian. Perhaps being surrounded by two tons of metal drains the driver's essence transforming him or her into a non-sentient being incapable of recognizing or reacting to sentience; a non-thinking lab rat conditioned to respond only to learned signals. If I were to walk in front of their high-speed death machine I am confident that they would see me but not as a person; instead as an object inconsequential in every way except for the fact that I was an object in their way.

In how many other ways and in what other circumstance are we mere automatons following commands or doing what we've always done?

• In the workplace?
• At home?
• In relationships?
• At meal/snack time?
• In leisure?
• At entertainment venues?
• In the throes of physical exertion?
• In service to others?
• In our search for purpose and meaning?

Automaton: “A mechanical figure or contrivance, a person or animal, that acts in a monotonous, routine manner, without active intelligence.”

This ‘automaton’ is artificial intelligence in its most superficial, most basic form. Today this ‘automaton’ is us and artificial intelligence has moved on. Yet we fear artificial intelligence - not only because it has made great strides but also because we have taken steps backward. Artificial Intelligence works best when it understands context; context such as ‘I am driving an automobile and I want to save the pedestrian.’ Within context, artificial intelligence learns and works to improve; artificial intelligence works to more successfully satisfy its objective as dictated by input. We, on the other hand, don't even recognize the objective, (to ‘save the pedestrian’), much less think it to a deeper level and work harder to understand the context and strengthen our awareness.

So though we may see artificial intelligence as the reaper, in actuality i don't believe it is artificial intelligence that we fear; I believe it is that artificial intelligence reminds us that we fear our own shortcomings, our own frailties - artificial intelligence reminds us (consciously and/or subconsciously) that we think we are but we're not.

Artificial intelligence is not dangerous because of what it is, it is dangerous because of who we are. Instead of being afraid we should (with proper input) aspire and work to be more like artificial intelligence. Context.

Priorities:

• Ease.
• Comfort.
• Quantity.
• Bureaucracy.
• Unfounded Belief.
• Convention - how we've always done things.
• Certainty.
• Division.
• Wealth and Power - proximity to and/or a delusion of.

Sacrificed:

• Learning.
• Discovery.
• Synergy.
• Improvement.
• Accountability.
• Diligence - constant and earnest effort.
• Progress.
• Reality.
• Beauty.
• Autonomy.
• Truth.
• Empathy.
• Wisdom.
• Compassion.
• Justice.

I am distressed. For perhaps 250 years and definitely in my lifetime (nearly 7 decades), it feels (to me) like we have evolved from wealth and power as oppressors to wealth and power as illusionists working to make us believe we are no longer oppressed; that we are entitled and that we deserve ease and comfort; a sleight of hand to beguile, to disarm, to maintain.

Willie Francis, 1946. 80 years later we have advanced from travesty to farce. Geaux america

I am a fool. Who am I to think I can save the world? Who am I to even think I can make improvements in a small scale work environment? Yet here I am, at the age of 66, still up-heaving to that end. Recent efforts have failed miserably and looking back at my work over my lifetime any improvements I may have played a part in were either not long-lasting or essentially inconsequential. I am a fool.

But I have said it before:

Yea though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Fools

I shall fear no folly, for thou art fools with me.

Thy nod and thy laugh, they comfort me.

We preparest a stable disparity in the presence of mass obedience.

They disjoint our heads with feckless toil, yet my thoughts runneth over.

Surely I shall follow the Way of the Fool all the days of my life,

And I will seek the House of Happiness forever.

My latest trail-blaze into twaddle began a little more than five months ago when I took a job as a paralegal in a prosecuting attorney's office. Now here I am, seeking justice within an office that (in theory) dispenses justice. I wrote the following and sent it this past Monday.

Hi HR Director and Prosecuting Attorney,

I am emailing you because based on feedback and circumstance I don't believe I am meeting expectations and I am worried I am in danger of losing my job. I like the work and some days I feel I am doing okay, but most days I feel inadequate and inconsequential. Here are some reasons why I feel inadequate:

• I consistently have 50+ Reminders, and I am currently 3 months behind on inputting new cases.
• New Paralegal (who is newer than I am) consistently has “nothing to do” - her words.
• All three of the other paralegals consistently have time for socializing with each other, with other office staff, and with the frequent visits from Law Enforcement Officers coming through the office. I do not.
• This past week I was chastised multiple times for late writs and for unnecessary fingerprint orders. On Thursday, Chief Paralegal singled me out, calling me over to her desk (with the other paralegals nearby at their desks) to remind me of late writs which were late not due to a lack of awareness on my part but due to Assistant Prosecuting Attorney reprioritizing my priorities for an upcoming jury trial and because there are only so many hours in the day.
• I am deaf in one ear, and I have a disability (Meniere's / Vertigo) that causes some focus issues when I am in a fast-paced setting, and both of these limitations make me struggle in the courtroom. Though nothing has been said recently about my different, slower process when in the courtroom, early on (February and March) Prosecuting Attorney and Chief Paralegal both stated that I would need to become faster and more efficient in that setting. I have figured out a way to be complete and accurate, but I am slower than I should be. I am not meeting expectations.

I truly don’t begrudge the socializing and I understand that a certain amount of camaraderie is a necessary part of any job to build trust and maintain culture, but the fact that they spend the time they do on this aspect of the job when I don’t feel like I can afford to take that time, and the fact that New Paralegal consistently mentions her lack of a workload, and the fact that I am publicly berated, and the fact that I am less efficient in the courtroom, are all obvious indicators to me that I am either doing something wrong or I am simply not cut out for this job, and/or I am being cited for cause and on my way out the door. I am uncertain if it is deserved or not.

If I am inadequate, then a change is coming (or needs to come) and inconsequential is irrelevant. But until then, or if I am mistaken, the fact that I feel inconsequential (though secondary) intensifies my feelings of inadequacy. Here are some reasons why I feel inconsequential:

• I am the only Baby Boomer working in a close setting with 2 Gen Z and 1 Millennial. Every day I feel uncomfortable and excluded. In similar past experience, I have always been able to be patient and work my way in, but in this circumstance my overwhelming workload (due to my apparent inability to meet expectations) does not allow much free time to make inroads.
• I feel my personal physical limitations set me apart. I am simply unable to keep up with (much less participate in) the high energy exchanges that drive communication in this office. This lack of communication is as much on me as anyone else, (I tend to tune out so I can focus on my work), but regardless of who is responsible it contributes to my exclusion and feelings of inconsequentiality.
• This point is minor but still relevant: There are (if not frequent) consistent unfavorable references to men and to “older” people. These are often made in (supposed) jest, and I typically do not take offense, and if this were the only issue I absolutely would not even mention it, but on top of all the other items listed here, these comments add to my fear of losing my job.

Bottom Line: The other paralegals make it very clear to me that I am not a fit. I am emailing you with the (unrealistic?) hope that there may be a different County job in which I would be a better fit and that we could make a transition with as little upheaval as possible. As I previously said, I like this work but if I am not meeting expectations and if I am not a good fit, with this email I am working proactively to get ahead of that.

I want to work. I need to work. I like working for the County. I feel it worth repeating that I am working toward resolution before circumstance dictates unplanned disruption. I feel like I have a lot to offer any job I am in, but to this point this job does not fit. Please help guide me to next steps. I hope to hear back and start working on this in this upcoming week.

Thank you for listening.

Bryan

I am a fool.

A game of sacrifice and heart and home

An art that will entice with form and curves

Please stay in line, be safe, where 'ere you roam

To argue, bump, or strafe, have sure reserves

A streak of bourgeoisie keeps egos checked

A stretch of strategy helps thinking thrive

A steal within the rules earns one respect

A run of luck by fools keeps dreams alive

Don't hurry, loaf, or balk, or give up hope

Don't worry o'er a clock, but please keep pace

And if you're found to err, move on, don't mope

And if unsure it's fair, you should touch base

A hook of gloried fame that is unique

A pitch that doth proclaim 'Baseball Mystique'