hopelesshappiness.com

In early October I had a conversation with my supervisor (at the time) in which I explained that unless I received a significant pay increase by the end of the calendar year, I would make more by retiring and I would need to start that process. Unfortunately for me, paycheck-to-paycheck is a reality. I also made it clear I did not want to retire. He assured me that he would have a conversation with the individual who officially took his place as my supervisor approximately two weeks later, and within that time frame he verbally confirmed that he had that conversation. Based on history I should not be surprised that I have not heard a word from either one since. Not even a note to confirm awareness and/or intention. And because I work for a large state university where wheels turn very slowly, time has probably already run out. This leaves me sad.

In my role, I am apparently seen as a below-average, easily-replaced, minor, supporting, and (at times) contentious functionary. This perception comes from my pay, my percentage pay increases compared to others, and my most recent average evaluation. These uninformed judgments are further secured by my obscurity that is a result of my workload, my sense of responsibility, my character (not seeking acclaim), and communication gaps equal to the income and entitlement gaps between me and (it seems) everyone else. But if anyone would have bothered to ask, I would have been happy to make my case that I am far more valuable than the unnoticeable cog I am thought to be. Or perhaps I am not. Alongside not seeking acclaim, I am also filled with uncertainty and lacking in self-confidence, which many would see as character flaws, yet I see ‘seeking acclaim’ as lost productivity and I see uncertainty as reality and reality as the first step toward progress. We disagree on many fronts.

Regardless of whether I have value or I am easily replaced, my opinion counts for so much less than the opinion of those in power that it appears for practical purposes I am easily replaced and I will be stepping aside. That said, I will happily print a retraction and continue to work if they surprise me with communication (by the end of the calendar year) followed by some consensus sort of justice. I am not hopeful but I also have not yet completely given up.

Below are links to other thoughts I have had along the way that have contributed to this probable decision.

2024:

• 3/16/2024.
• 4/20/2024.
• 6/1/2024.
• 6/15/2024.
• 6/22/2024.
• 11/2/2024.

2023:

• 1/14/2023.
• 1/21/2023.
• 3/25/2023.
• 8/19/2023.

2022:

• 2/12/2022.
• 3/5/2022.
• 3/19/2022.

I typically don't like people who (I think) think they are better than me. The truth is, if I think someone thinks that they are better, odds are I have merely come to the realization that they have some advantage over me and I want to turn that around, meaning perhaps it is to their credit and I am wrong to express negative energy. But also, perhaps not. To unravel and begin to reconcile these feelings, it is helpful to identify the why and wherefore of their advantage.

Is their power from…

• …money?
• …knowledge?
• …a pretension of knowledge?
• …skill?
• …trickery?
• …deceit?
• …luck?

Alternatively, I could ask, what really makes you right and me wrong? To simply say ‘might makes right’ does not explore or account for underlying factors and their concomitant biases for or against.

Then, regardless of the source(s), I must follow up with the question, are you using your power to maintain and/or enhance your power? Or are you using your power to improve surrounding circumstance and bring about a greater good beyond yourself? If/when asked, a very large majority would argue and believe the latter, yet I seldom see anyone in a position of power advance a common good at their own expense. In fact, zero-sum thinking, (which many of us are inclined to), demands that one not risk their advantage to help another, especially, (according to the recent election), any other who is different, thus less deserving.

Back to the sources of power: I cannot begrudge knowledge or skill and I should not begrudge luck, but every one of us can and should actively begrudge money, trickery, deceit, and ignorance. As for a pretension of knowledge, it is sometimes (perhaps often) difficult to discern from actual knowledge partially because my own uncertainty, insecurity, and fear can be relatively easily played against me to aid power in their efforts to enhance and maintain. Common tools used for this trickery and deceit include confidence, convention, bureaucracy, bombast, bullying, division, and fear mongering. And because so many in power remain steadfast in their belief that they know better and best, and because so many others remain steadfast in their belief that proximity to power is power, and because so many of us remain steadfast in our belief that we are entitled, and because there are so many different definitions for proximity, when we do take a baby step forward we proclaim large strides, and as we cheer for progress we doggedly defend our own backyard. We choose to abide rather than advance.

To abide is to go along. I have been working for my entire adult life, (going on 50 years), to both abide and advance; and I now realize that to try and do both is how a baby step can look like large strides. Actual knowledge is almost certainly bolstered to some degree by pretense. So, when I abide I am almost certainly going along with a pretension of knowledge. And a pretension of knowledge is almost certainly aided by trickery and/or deceit that is in turn aided by the aforementioned tools. To advance one must actively begrudge. The difficulty lies in the fact that though one must actively begrudge money, trickery, deceit, and ignorance, to advance one must also actively begrudge his or her own circumstance, his or her own beliefs, his or her own people, his or her own self. Not an easy ask.

So, where do we turn to make progress?

• Leadership? Ha! See a pretension of knowledge above.
• Consensus? Ha again. The majority is driven by Fear, works toward Comfort and Tradition, and reasons from Belief. Not a good foundation for progress.
• Expertise? Perhaps the best solution for specific answers but an expert's knowledge is typically too narrow to lead, and our leadership’s egos are too brittle to properly organize and utilize the experts.
• Artificial Intelligence? An interesting thought.

A Humanitarian…

• …is driven by Foresight.
• …works toward Change.
• …reasons from Fact and Expertise.

A Citizen…

• …is driven by Fear.
• …works toward Comfort and Tradition.
• …reasons from Belief.

A Pretender…

• …is driven by Power.
• …works toward Status Quo.
• …reasons from Entitlement.

From even a very small distance, status quo looks very much like comfort and tradition. In addition, entitlement is traditional, change is scary, and expertise is often patronizing and arrogant.

So, as seen by the citizenry, a pretender is comfortably mistaken for one of us, whereas a humanitarian makes us very uncomfortable.

An individual can adopt a different persona for a specific cause or reason but (I believe) each one of us is more inclined toward a single calling that (I believe) is learned and (I also believe) can be unlearned.

Partially due to one's learning circumstance throughout their life, and partially due to responsibilities and constraints, and partially due to the nature of power, a majority of us a majority of our time are citizens. That said, I (want to) believe that given opportunity the true nature (minus groupthink) of a large majority of individuals is humanitarian.

Because a humanitarian is not driven by power, humanitarian efforts are often thwarted by pretentious rhetoric that sparks groupthink, triggers fear, and ultimately maintains status quo.

Politicians are pretenders…

…and regardless of what the humanitarian in me wants to believe, today's democrats are every bit as much politician as are today's republicans.

We had a choice - a baby step forward or a step back. We chose to take two (maybe three) steps back. And we, as a whole, deserve what it will bring. And as a whole we will suffer, but unfortunately the underprivileged individual will suffer to a much greater extent, and this unequal distribution of suffering (that is inversely proportional to wealth and power) will allow the privileged to continue to mistake substance for essence while the underprivileged will (at best) merely continue to flounder. And even though the underprivileged contributed significantly to this outcome, individually they do not deserve it.

June 8, 2024 [annotated]:

From a voter’s perspective, below are characteristics of today's political landscape loosely organized from left to right:

1. Narrow, exclusive, insular, condescending.
2. --- ---
3. Stodgy, conventional, predictable, opportunistic.
4. Libertarian, rhetorical, nationalistic, arbitrary.
5. Divisive, authoritarian, imperious, intolerant.

[Associated affiliation:

1. Democrats.
2. Progressives.
3. Moderates.
4. Conservatives.
5. Republicans.]

[These are actual, active characteristics; not what anyone professes to be. Additionally. Either republicans are more adept (than democrats) at hiding their true character from their constituents or their constituents are much easier to deceive, whereas democrats and their constituents are equally adept at alienating the majority of Americans.]

From the presumption that ‘for the people’ is ‘by the people’ to the misguided belief that we can and should time travel to a misremembered past, over the last 60 years our leaders have consistently delivered injudicious, bureaucratic preservation to a majority of Americans.

[The democrats are destructively presumptuous and the republicans are destructively delusional.]

This majority of Americans have fallen through a hole between condescending and stodgy. Other countries have managed to fill that hole, but in our ignorance, for varying reasons, we have not only NOT taken care of our own but in many cases deny them as a part of us.

[This majority of Americans could be rescued by a progressive agenda. And in a sense, I am saying that a majority of Americans are in actuality progressive, (regardless of vociferous claims to the contrary).]

It is not only the obvious; anyone less wealthy and/or less powerful is (to varying degrees) lost. And it is apparent that the American Dream, paired with any combination of choices we are given in today’s political landscape, no longer works for anyone who is lost.

[The only combination of choices we have today is republican or democrat. Economically, there are some conservatives and some moderates still with some power, but what progressives there are have no significant influence.]

Many of these lost Americans don’t realize and/or won’t admit that they are lost. Many of these lost Americans believe they have more influence, more say-so, than what they do. Many of these lost Americans are still optimistic, still hopeful, still susceptible. Most of these lost Americans pick their path from the choices given, often based on a single (often emotional) characteristic. Many of these lost Americans don’t know that there can and should be additional options between condescending and stodgy; options more complementary with the American Dream. Things like

[A progressive agenda]:

• Understanding, expressive, equitable, reciprocal.
• Helpful, considerate, compassionate, respectful.

[Economic considerations prohibit equitable and reciprocal, and discourage other progressive characteristics.]

[A progressive leader is a caretaker, a custodian, a curator, a watchdog. Today our leaders are none of these things.]

[The democrats have been working off the theory that if you treat someone like an adult, like an intelligent, rational thinker who is capable of doing the math, then they will react in kind. The republicans have been working off the theory that emotion, specifically fear, is a much stronger motivation. Guess what?]

Taxidermy: “the art of preparing and preserving and stuffing and mounting in lifelike form.”

Today our political system is the hunter, our leaders are the taxidermists busy preparing, preserving, stuffing and mounting, and the American Dream is the head mounted on the wall.

[…and we are left with sadness.]

This week I was invited to contribute to the evaluation process for the dean of the medical school where I work as an unnoticeable cog in an entanglement of bureaucratic machinations. There were more than 20 questions asking for a rating of very ineffective, ineffective, neutral, effective, or very effective. Because of the wide (and widening) gap between us and my inability to see results of his daily actions, I responded ‘neutral’ to all but 5 of the questions:

1. Encouraging a culture of excellence - very ineffective.
2. Improving opportunities for members of other underrepresented groups - ineffective.
3. Leading with integrity - very ineffective.
4. Treating staff with respect - very ineffective.
5. Promoting a discrimination- free environment and inclusive environment - very ineffective.

According to multiple accessible internet sources, the top 10% in U.S. income pull in upwards of $160,000. In this past year, the dean made $910,000 putting him in the top 1%. To my evaluation, I added the following comments:

“According to public records released in January 2024, in the Fall of 2023 I received a 3% pay increase. The dean of the medical school received a 4% increase. One might look and think that the increases are comparable, but if I would have received the dean’s dollars, my increase would have been 75.6%. The dean went from making 18.9 times more than me to making 19.1 times more, which again sounds close but again if I would have received the dean’s dollars (and he in turn mine) the dean would have gone from making 18.9 times more than me to making 10.8 times more than me. The issue of course is the growing income gap. To entertain the thought that the dean is 19 times more deserving or more capable or more entitled than I am would require a different conversation; a conversation about available opportunities and available to whom and who makes the rules and bias and bureaucracy and convention and certainty and division. This Fall (2024) I again received a 3% increase. I look forward to January when I will be able to again compare percentages and dollars and see how much the income gap has widened; not that it will come to anything.”

It is ludicrous to even ask the question, much less believe that excellence, opportunity, integrity, respect, or equity could come from or be brought about by one so mired in entitlement.

Entitlement:

1. If I have good things come my way, I deserve them.
2. If you have good things come your way, you are lucky.
3. If I have bad things come my way, it is due to circumstance beyond my control.
4. If you have bad things come your way, you made your bed - and you deserve your punishment.

In this country our system of justice in practice, is and always has been a system of entitlement, applying #3 to favored factions and #4 to those not like us. And the yardstick for those not like us has become wealth and/or power. Yet because we equate justice with entitlement, we are justified in our belief, our assertion that a wealthy, powerful overlord could bring about excellence, opportunity, integrity, respect, or equity.

It is not always (or even frequently) a bad thing to ask a ludicrous question. All questions (should) encourage thoughtful pause and lead to more considered, reasonable action. However, to ask a ludicrous question in a formal context that creates opportunity for statistical analysis is to believe in and/or work to assert its validity and to encourage status quo.

• Power cannot hear truthfulness.
• Power cannot see beyond their own blindered reality.
• Power cannot feel the pain of subservience.
• Power cannot taste or smell the zest, the spice, the tang, the piquancy of uncertainty.
• And though I strive and I work and I plead and I struggle, I cannot bring power to its senses.