hopelesshappiness.com

I have spent my entire life believing, trusting, thinking the best. After these 66+ years, is it too late for me to become settled? Accepting? Jaded? In this time and in various capacities I have worked in (or proximate to) business, education, healthcare, banking, and law, and from these experiences perhaps I should be jaded. Perhaps I am becoming more so, partially (mostly?) because I am tired. I work hard, I stand, I fight for improvement, for Good and Right, for Beauty, Truth, Wisdom, Justice; and some days it truly feels all for naught. This has been reflected in recent weeks and months in my thinking and writing; and in recent decisions.

• I retired.
• I went back to work; part time; twice.
• I bought a house - in a smaller town.
• I went back to work; full time.

Some might say I am winding down, but that would be presumptuous; and premature. I would say I have been shifting (perhaps refining) my focus to more accurately acknowledge surrounding reality and changing circumstance. Reality has always been what it is but in recent months, by aligning my life experience with surrounding reality, (in my mind) the future has changed. That said, I cannot forget that though reality has always been what it is, it is still different things to different people. Past and present reality is far, far more subjective than the word implies.

If I am respected as a person (as I should be), I should not need the added comfort of being (ultra) respected for my minority status. It feels as if political correctness and recognition are excuses for maintaining hierarchies. From experience, when you are a minority there is a noticeable (sometimes significant) difference in how you are handled. I was tagged a disabled minority 18 years ago, and 6 years ago I fell into the (over-60) ‘senior-citizen’ bucket where I have more frequently been made to feel (regardless of my capabilities and contributions) like I have outlived my usefulness. Yet I am fortunate that I am also (still) often treated as a person and not solely as a minority. Perhaps the difference is trust. As a person I feel trusted and I am taken seriously; as a minority I feel ignored, mistrusted, and insignificant, thus the perceived need (by those guilty of mishandling) for ultra-respect.

It is a difficult problem. The minority feel compelled to cry out, and hearing their pleas for justice a majority of the majority feel compelled to recognize and acknowledge the mistreatment, but upon doing so instinctive, (often) adversarial ‘us and them’ thoughts are triggered, too often followed by resentment and/or inaction. A minority of the majority, including and driven by Wealth and Power, then take advantage of this human instinct by sowing additional seeds of divisiveness to help maintain wealth and power.

The solution, (to treat everyone as a person), is less complicated with fewer steps than our current process: to put lipstick (i.e. ultra-respect) on the pig that is mistrust. But those who advocate wealth and power fear that minorities who are trusted may begin to feel more significant which may translate to feeling more powerful which in turn (they fear) may take away a portion of their wealth and/or power. And it might impact the portion of their power that is wealth, but I don't believe power is a zero-sum game. I believe those who willingly participate in some form of wealth redistribution will not see a lessening of their power, (may actually see an increase), and will be rewarded exponentially in many other ways. And I do believe it is ultimately necessary to more equitably share the wealth be it through taxes or a universal basic income or some other social system or program; necessary not only for the sake of societal improvement but also for our long-term survival.

Not even a whisper.

I know words were spoken.

I saw his lips moving and I observed nonverbal acknowledgement from those nearby and I heard the squawking, distorted, indecipherable response from the addressee two chairs to my right, yet I heard not even a whisper from the speaker who was a mere 12-15 feet away at the front of the room.

Verbal Darkness.

At one point in the proceedings, a joke was made. Everyone laughed; except me. I had no idea.

Previous to last week I was deaf in my left ear but still at 70 to 80 percent in my right. I have experienced a precipitous decline. I am hoping it is temporary.

In many ways this personal experience is analogous to our national experience of being led by wealth and power over the last 250 years. We have always been (to varying degrees) hard of hearing, but in the past 8 to 10 years we have experienced a more precipitous decline in our ability to communicate and understand. For our sake, I am hoping it is temporary.

Verbal Darkness.

To be worthwhile is to act in the moment for Good and for Right with no encouragement from whispering thoughts of either malice before or glory after. The only possible escape from power is this momentary action.

2008.808.33.15.18.123.

A new house. A new job. A new town. A new life.

Same as it ever was. Same as the old boss. Same as it ever was. Same as the old boss.

Cryptic Communication.

Meaning is meaningless unless it is personal; and private; and profound; and profane - and even then, I cannot trust myself.

What do I know?

Another innocent person shot and killed today proving once again that in our nation “innocent until proven guilty” is meaningless; and for those with wealth and/or power, proven guilty is meaningless.

Law enforcement has always been an excuse for lawlessness.

Justice is meaningless.

Blatant lies repeated loudly will carry the day.

Tomorrow will bring a new opportunity for new lies.

The fact that his new shoes are wet and ruined is meaningless to a man who is drowning.

Glub-glub…