Now you too can be Unhappy. We can show you how in six easy lessons. Join the millions who have already unlocked the secrets of dependable, antagonistic, long-lasting Unhappiness. Let our experts help you to master the critical skills needed for enthusiastic inclusion into various elite groups of whiners and complainers. This course is ideal for anyone employed in (or considering employment in) bureaucracies such as the government, banks, insurance companies, or the legal profession. If you have family or friends, this course is perfect for you. If you have no family or friends – even better.

In Lesson 1 we will show you how to Worry. Included in your kit will be 100 blank pieces of paper on which to list all your worries. If you are unable to fill them right away – “Don’t Worry” – we have plenty of prompts to get you started. Things like: Was that indigestion, or was my boss scowling at me? And: What is my next car repair going to cost me? And: Do these pants make my butt look big? Thousands of possible worries listed in hundreds of possible interchangeable categories so you can pick and choose topics that are currently applicable, or branch out for variety.

In Lesson 2 we will cover the importance of Blame and how it can contribute immeasurable depth to your Unhappiness. Married? We can show you how to deftly deflect an accusation turning it to your advantage. Employed? We can show you how to subtly shift attention from your minor indiscretions to a co-worker’s more obvious mistakes and shortcomings. You can blame others for your problems; you can blame yourself for other’s problems; you can blame specifically from the problem perspective, or from the ‘blamee’ perspective, or from both ends at once; you can blame yourself for your own problems; you can blame others for their own problems; you can even blame yourself for blaming others for blaming you and others for the world’s problems. The inculpatory possibilities are endless; and guaranteed to be non-productive.

Lesson 3 will help you to Feel Sorry for Yourself. You will learn in this lesson the art of feeling sorry for yourself with no sympathy from others. This is accomplished by either holding it all in, or constantly blathering on to everyone about how rough your life is. We will assist you in determining which path is appropriate, and when, in order to maximize your misery. (Most often we find it best to blather at work and hold it in at home, but it will depend on several variables.) We often find after lessons 1 and 2 that most of our students don’t have a problem finding reasons to feel sorry for themselves, yet we include with this lesson hundreds of additonal prompts applicable to self-pity, as well as blame and worry. Student feedback shows this lesson to be one of the most rewarding in terms of deep-seated, hard-wired learning.

It is human nature to Overindulge. Everybody is doing it, because if a moderate amount of something gives us pleasure, then a larger amount will give us a larger amount of pleasure – Duh! So what is so special about Lesson 4? It is here that you will learn the secret to truly living not just in the moment, but FOR the moment. You will learn that THE MOMENT is all that matters. You have already learned in Lesson 1 how to worry about the next moment, but here you will learn how to replace that worry with other more dreadful worries, thus allowing yourself to come back to THE MOMENT. Why whip cream and a single cherry on top? Why not whip cream and cherries on top of whip cream and cherries? Let’s follow the example set by our nation’s leaders – let’s all overindulge on overindulgence.

In Lesson 5 we will teach you how, what, and when to Squander. For some this is a tough follow-up to overindulgence, but we place it here intentionally so you will be able to clearly delineate the differences between the items encouraged in ‘Overindulgence’ and the items presented in this lesson that are critical components to a continuing life of Unhappiness. For items such as time and opportunity we will teach you sure-fire methods of procrastination that will allow you to let these things just slip through your fingers almost before you know they are there. We will teach you how to squander regret by making certain you learn nothing from past mistakes, drawing from Blame and Overindulgence concepts previously learned. And money? – though most of our students have this concept well in hand we will give you additional suggestions on how to squander money to assist in adding depth to Blame, Worry, and Feeling Sorry for Yourself; (if you have lots of money, we covered your special circumstances in a section of Overindulgence). We will introduce some new Squander concepts as well, including hypochondria (touched upon in Lesson 3 and expanded upon here), passing the buck, always ‘looking’ busy, and never volunteering, being friendly, or making eye contact. This is just the tip of your melting iceberg. This lesson includes dozens of other recommendations and suggestions; some of which are absolutely worthless, which further drives home the point that we should all aspire to Squander aimlessly.

And finally Lesson 6. It is a fairly easy leap from the previous five lessons to the penultimate in Unhappiness – here we will help you to see the wisdom in Giving Up. We start slow, encouraging you to Give Up in a small area such as yard care or some aspect of personal hygiene. Then we move to increasingly more complex areas with far-reaching implications into your work and home life. And, as you become more adept at combining these feelings of helplessness with Blame, Worry, Feeling Sorry for Yourself, Overindulgence, and Squandering Aimlessly, not only will you Give Up, but others will Give Up on you. Of course we will also teach you how to avoid complete debilitation as a result of giving up, because if you reach that point you may no longer care that you’re unhappy. So we will teach you how to pull yourself back from that brink, time and time again as needed, in order for you to reap the greatest benefits from your unhappiness for years and years to come.

So don’t wait. Call now and we’ll throw in 2 free bonus lessons – “How to Derail Other’s Uncalled-For Happiness” and “What To Do When Happiness Catches You By Surprise.” Quantity discounts are available, so consider giving the gift of Unhappiness to friends, family, employees, or total strangers. It is truly a gift that keeps on giving. Operators are standing by.