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Thoughtful Focus: prioritization, then concentration, that (ideally) leads to clarity.

Once I have identified a priority, I have to know that what I am seeing is not reality. Whether simply fuzzy around the edges or skewed and distorted like a reflection from a Funhouse mirror, my perspective is underdeveloped. I must concentrate to clarify.

A priority should not be determined by the degree of urgency. Urgency dramatically skews and distorts reality.

Concentration is not a one hour meeting with an agenda. An agenda, (or any form of bureaucratic administration), stifles depth and creativity.

Consensus is not clarity. Consensus will always include some measure of surrender, some measure of apathy and some measure of going-along-to-get-along.

But without some agreement, how do we ever move forward?

I must have only one priority in any given moment.

There will be some moments in which my priority is to choose a priority.

And there will be some moments in which my priority is to act on a chosen priority.

Unfortunately, by choosing one priority, (such as work, for example), other priorities are often dictated; chosen by another's sense of urgency, perhaps decided by upper-echelon consensus, possibly in a meeting, likely governed by an agenda, precedent, policy and procedure, and handed down from on high to further entrench a skewed and distorted reality.

But without some agreement, how do we ever move forward?

When a given circumstance dictates priorities, I may have no choice but to consent. This depends upon other priorities.

The challenge then, really lies in the process of prioritization. I believe concentration is an individual skill that can be learned, but because concentration is frequently short-circuited by one's chosen and/or underlying priority I believe prioritization is the key to thoughtful focus. As an example, if my underlying priority is comfort and reduced effort, then my chosen priority will be different than if my underlying priority is to do Good for the sake of the future. There are many underlying priorities that are not consciously or publicly acknowledged; particularly those involving the self and ego. We couch our priorities and actions in compassionate rhetoric that is founded within a sense of reality that is skewed and distorted. And this perpetuates and justifies a superficial sense of urgency, bureaucratic administration and consensus.

The process of prioritization then must include an in-depth examination of one's underlying priorities, and the realization that (like a chosen priority) these too change with circumstance in the moment. This may sound very complex and cumbersome, and it can be. But it can also aid in productivity and flow. For example, if my overarching underlying priority is to Save the World, within each and every moment I can (consciously or not) know if my actions are consistent with my priority. Even within a small scale circumstance, (I can imagine my actions placed upon a larger scale world stage), and I can know if I am doing the right thing. I can better see the moment in which a battle becomes win-able; or a lost cause. I can better appreciate those selfish moments that I may prioritize as necessary for personal well-being and strength to fight another day. I can more productively acknowledge personal mistakes, misjudgements and miscalculations; and I can better learn from them and move on.

Once I believe I have determined underlying priorities, I have to (again) know that what I am seeing is not reality. Whether simply fuzzy around the edges or skewed and distorted like a reflection from a Funhouse mirror, my perspective is underdeveloped. I must concentrate to clarify. I want to believe my sense of reality is merely fuzzy around the edges and not dramatically distorted; and to move forward, I must, in some moments, believe this. And I must, in some moments, act on what I perceive as the result of my thoughtful focus.

I will know if my actions are consistent. And I must find a way to move past the profound sadness that engulfs me when a circumstance appears to demand surrender and I feel that my actions were for little or naught. And this is really what this week's written thought is all about.

I lost a battle and now I am moving on. To see the smug satisfaction of the victors, makes me angry. This will (mostly) go away. What will not lessen is the new layer of certainty and righteousness added to the already widespread fortress of consensus ignorance. What will not change is the damage already inflicted and the pain already suffered. What will not be easily overcome is the trajectory toward more damage and more pain.

As I consider the significance of this circumstance and the reaction of those within it, I realize my fuzzy edges may include a misinterpretation. What I am seeing as smug satisfaction may in actuality be misplaced anger; which in turn may indicate (dare I hope…) progress? Possibly. The wheels often move more slowly than what I would like. I believe the wheels often move more slowly than what is becoming necessary for survival. But in this circumstance I know my actions were consistent with my chosen and underlying priorities, at least to the point of surrender.

Within the circumstance I believed that I ultimately gave in and up because I had become a distraction. Along the way I was cast out and made to feel unwelcome. In my role as pariah I felt I had no choice but to quit the battle and move on. But in hindsight I am asking myself if I gave up too easily? Did I tuck my tail and run because my poor little feelings were hurt? Or was I simply coerced and manipulated into the inevitable? Had I fulfilled my role in this small scale drama and was it really time to move along? I don't know. Objectively, I believe this circumstance is a nice case study for the impact of thoughtful focus and/or the lack of thoughtful focus. As I move beyond my poor little feelings, I realize again the personal benefit of my weekly written thought.

And perhaps one day, with luck long after I am able to influence or be influenced with or by ego, others will consider my weekly written thoughtful focus and apply it to their efforts to Save the World. A boy can dream...

What is there to learn from the unlikeliest of success stories? What depth of understanding can I absorb from a (before-now) impossible comeback?

Never give up?

I am confident this is a piece, but I practice that daily when I get out of bed. Obviously, (though necessary), the effort is not the whole story.

No whining?

To move past the past, no matter how unfair, I believe is another important element. Learn from the mistakes; learn from the adversity; then move on. This does not excuse injustice, but the past should only be drawn upon for the lessons to be learned.

Take control of the narrative?

I believe this is a necessary foundation for faith, and of late I am coming to believe that faith is absolutely necessary for success; so yes, another critical component.

Looking more closely at these factors:

• Faith requires individual commitment and individual sincerity.
• To practice faith is to struggle with injustice and to bring yourself to tears within your uncertainty and doubts and to come out the other side with a new depth of understanding and then to do it again tomorrow.
• Consensus interpretation of the past weakens faith.
• Weakened faith distorts effort.
• Interpretation and misinterpretation of the past directs effort.
• Effort is accomplished in the moment.
• Active, focused, sincere and interdependent individual effort strengthens faith.
• Faith alone is either consensus interpretation or wishful thinking.
• Effort alone creates a bullying bureaucracy and maintains status quo.
• Effort and faith together strengthen the future by perpetuating the moment.
• Effort and faith together see all possible futures.
• The execution of effort and faith together foretell the future.
• What seems impossible today, may not be so tomorrow

For my performance to maintain its upward trajectory, I eventually come to a point where I have to trust someone to do the right thing. Granted, “the right thing” is not necessarily the “Right” thing; it is typically that thing that allows me the continued freedom to choose and implement my process. My question becomes, if (by all accounts) my performance is trending upward based on my process thus far, why would we choose to thwart perceived progress? The simple answer appears (to me) to be ego. The given answer, in recent experience, has been:

• “We can't afford it.”
• “We've never done it that way.”
• “We need a strong consensus before we change process.”
• “That is beyond the scope of your job responsibilities.”
• “It is better to be nice than truthful.”
• “The politics prohibit us from changing course.”
• “We need to slow down.”
• “To maintain confidentiality we cannot tell you why we are choosing to disregard your efforts and progress.”

I am not hearing:

• “Your process is inferior to our current process or another alternative process.”

And, I found this answer reading between all the lines:

• “We cannot follow your lead because you are old and disabled. Stay in your Lane.”

The powers-that-be have done a very good job of maintaining deniability on the “old and disabled” connection, but they have also very definitively put me back in my place, halting perceived progress. So (for me) it is a short leap because it is my age and (more specifically) my disability that initially knocked me back into this place. But this is also the current way of the world; so, enough whining.

Taken individually, some and perhaps many of these answers I have received appear credible. What I want to focus on this week is, “how do I continue an upward trajectory in the face of ego and in the way of the way of the world?” It is a process. My interest is in improvement; an increase in efficiency and productivity with an emphasis on justice. I am not looking to win a Nobel Prize for anything. I simply want to see progress. And I ultimately maintain that if by all accounts my process is moving us forward, and for your varying reasons you stop me, how will we ever know how far we may have gone?

So again, how do I maintain momentum and trajectory?

In hindsight, to this point, going back my entire adult working life, (more than 40 years), I have always trended upward until stopped, then moved to a new circumstance in which due to inexperience and a learning curve I begin a new upward trajectory until…

Wash, Rinse, Repeat. I believe that in any new work experience, all of us process the wash cycle, but then many of us become stuck in that pause or stoppage between wash and rinse, and to maintain appearances we simply re-wash as is necessary. By pushing on to rinse, I am ejected or rejected and forced to repeat in a new machine. I have found I can only maintain appearances by continuing to re-wash for so long before I am compelled to insist upon a rinse cycle.

Is there another way?

As a job-seeker I typically do not have the upper hand. I cannot very well turn the interview upside-down, asking pointed questions and requiring references so I may talk to former employees; though this would be fair. Even the proverbial “Do you have any questions for us?” interview question establishes the divisive (and even adversarial) us/them relationship that leaves me daunted and clearly on the outside looking in. No matter how objectively I am able to ask how they may handle a circumstance in which an employee surpasses expectations and proves worth / value beyond assigned responsibilities, I don't believe (from my side of the divide) I could convince them that my sincere interest was in process improvement to objectively increase efficiency and productivity and to pursue justice. I believe they would see it as the beginnings of an attempted coup.

Wash, Rinse, Repeat…

To Wash is to (at least) minimally fulfill the inherent responsibilities of the job.

To Rinse is to step back, assess, analyze and rework the process for the sake of a better outcome. (And it is in this Rinse cycle where an individual will ultimately need to reach beyond the realm of their specific job responsibilities to maintain momentum and trajectory.)

To Repeat is to have failed.

Perhaps the challenge is not in moving past egos. Perhaps the challenge is in convincing egos that good enough is not good enough and encouraging them to take some calculated risks that may result in (yes, a potentially deeper downside, but also) a potentially greater upside.

This week I am watching the Stanley Cup Finals. Throughout each game I do not see either coach, (one with an interim tag still on his title), reaching for a phone to consult with the General Manager before a line change; or pulling out his laptop to email fans for permission to set new precedent; or even gathering players around for a strong consensus supporting each and every decision he must make. What I see are two coaches taking calculated risks because they understand what is at stake: Epic Fail vs. Lord Stanley's Cup. Yes, many and probably most coaches did calculate the risks throughout their seasons and found downside, but (if they were paying attention) they learned more valuable lessons than those coaches afraid of failure.

I am about to run headlong into a cliché or two. I want to quote some Babe Ruth strikeout statistics; but I won't. I don't believe the Babe can help me to maintain momentum and trajectory. I get angry with failure in the same way that I agonize over injustice. This existential angst forces me to see a greater depth of reality. And perhaps continued effort to expose these depths to those afraid of failure is my best chance for maintaining upward trajectory. Perhaps it is the ego that clouds Vision and (in some cases) prevents one from even looking down into the depths. So perhaps the best way for me to maintain momentum and trajectory is to keep after it and learn the lessons.

As I think this through, even when I successfully complete a rinse cycle, I am still destined to repeat. Until I find Perfection, it is still failure.

I will not find Perfection.

Perhaps the point is the learning and not the machine.

And perhaps it is better to fail, again and again and again, than it is to spend a lifetime in the wash cycle.

I just ran headlong into a cliché.

But I suppose a cliché is a cliché for a reason.

I had a bad dream last night in which, having finally had enough, I looked at the antagonist and I said, “you're a bad dream. Good-bye.” And I woke up.

I woke up to a bad dream.

I woke up to a bad dream from which I cannot wake up. I woke up to a bad dream in which I cannot say “Good-bye.” I woke up to a bad dream in which the antagonist won't just go away. And let's be honest, even if he did go away, there is another one waiting in the wings. Today's antagonist only believes he is consequential. And let's be really honest, even if we did manage to maneuver a protagonist into a more advantageous position of power, today's hero is often tomorrow's villain.

Fear. Sadness. Anger. Common emotions experienced in a bad dream. Insecurity. Exasperation. Disgust. Disappointment. Despair. But I am uncertain. Do these feelings reflect my interpretation? Or do these feelings reflect my true nature? Am I the receiver victimized by others? Or am I the giver generating and/or perpetuating onward and outward? Is the bad dream perhaps a glimpse into the thing itself? Is my nature such that I am the antagonist? Is our nature such that we are the villain? As a Nation? As all of Humanity?

Perhaps.

But even so, evolution is revolution. Our hope must be an active hope. We must become. Better Listeners. Reasoned Architects. Cohesive Builders. Caring Healers. Compassionate Caretakers. To save us. We must become. One.

For many, this is antithetical. So for all of us, it may not be possible. I recognize this possibility of impossibility. I understand the ingrained, entrenched necessity of disunity. But still, I want to wake up from this bad dream. So still, I will work.

In this moment, we are smarter. In the next moment, we must be smarter, quicker.

In this moment, we are few. In the next moment, we must be exponential.

In this moment, we are many. In the next moment, we must be One.

If in this moment we are comfortable, in the next moment we must embrace hardship.

If in this moment we suffer, in the next moment we must embrace even more hardship.

And if in this moment we seek comfort, in the next moment we will uncomprehendingly be embraced by hardship.

So still, I will work.

I have found that to work, to embrace hardship on one's own terms, is not necessarily preferable to having it thrust upon oneself, but it does create a greater potential for productivity and progress.

I have found that to work, to embrace hardship on one's own terms, is not necessarily preferable to having it thrust upon oneself, but it does create a greater potential for destructive tyranny.

Bullies and despots frequently believe destructive tyranny to be productive progress. Influential public servants frequently believe destructive tyranny to be a lesson from history books. Do these beliefs merely reflect wishful thinking? Or do these beliefs reflect full-blown delusion? Are the roles completely interchangeable? Or are the roles merely overlapping? Is the bad dream perhaps a glimpse into the thing itself? Is my nature such that I am the bureaucrat? Is our nature such that we are the system? As an arrangement? As all of Civilization?

Perhaps.

To remember that evolution is revolution, will remind us that quiescence is acquiescence; it will remind us that though nonconformity is seen as a deformity, nonconformity is in actuality an adaptive and necessary mutation; and it will remind us that the way we've always done things will continue to stunt our growth.

Which path will we choose?

Many (and perhaps most) choose by not choosing. The path of least resistance has been cleared in such a way to keep me on the straight and narrow, occupied with busy work created to maintain status quo.

Along with bullies and despots and tyrants and influential public servants, those on the other side of the wealth gap and many of those who can see the other side of the wealth gap, have a vested interest in keeping the path of least resistance, the path of least resistance. Unfortunately, these architects of Humanity's future are also choosing by not choosing. We have selected these architects using a system birthed and living its whole life on the path of least resistance. These architects have not trained to be architects. These architects have been groomed to be galvanic, prepossessed keepers of the path of least resistance.

Fear. Sadness. Anger. As the wealth and power gap widens, at least for us on this side, this path of least resistance seems to be bristling with more and more adversity. I believe most of us, no matter which side of any divide we are on, can see this uptick in hardship. I also believe that most of us have become quite adept at administering anesthetic (to oneself and to others) to deaden the pain.

Consumerism is an anesthetic. Bureaucracy is an anesthetic. Rhetorical platitudes, promising reassurances, exaggerations, bombast, bluster and brazen fabrications all contain anesthetizing agents. (Using the measure, All of Humanity past, present and future), disproportionate recognition, credit and self-congratulations are anesthetics. Busy work is an anesthetic. Two (maybe three) of the seven deadly sins are anesthetics. Drama is an anesthetic. Social media is an anesthetic. Partisanship is an anesthetic.

I am struggling to come out from under. Many of us are struggling to come out from under. There is pain. There is nausea. There is the desire for more anesthetic. And there are keepers at the ready willing to oblige.

Which path will I choose?

Which path will we choose?

The outlook is grim. And because the outlook is grim, many of us will continue down the path of least resistance.

But still, I want to wake up from this bad dream.

So still, I will work.

I frequently lose sight of the fact that many people, (maybe most people, and perhaps a large majority of people), when facing reality, need something to hold on to. I agree that to face the inevitably of death, and quite likely pain, and the possibility of Nothingness, and the dystopian promise for the future, and the futility of Happiness, is all a tad daunting. But then again, free fall can be exhilarating.

Reality begins with truthfulness. Truthfulness begins with doubting every thing you believe you know. Every thing. By doubting every thing, I also believe every thing; (alternatively I could say I believe in the possibility of every thing, but I want to feel the thing not hear its echo). And by believing every thing, I too frequently find myself hanging on to a worst case scenario, and I too frequently come across as lacking confidence. It is my nature to want to hold on to something. I believe though that

1. reality (more often than not) dictates random results,
2. there are more bad and indifferent (perceived as bad) results than good results,
3. self-fulfilling prophecy is a thing, and
4. I must learn to hang on then move on before I am hung up.

So if self-fulfilling prophecy is a thing, why would I not choose to believe in Goodness and Light and Rainbows and Lollipops instead of risking becoming hung up on a worst case scenario? If self-fulfilling prophecy is a thing, wouldn't I find more comfort and safety and security and control by hanging on to Shangri-La? I think the answer is nestled inside the questions. I don't mean the obvious question-answer relationship. I mean the simple fact (or reality) that there are multiple questions, dictates my responsibility to seek multiple answers. And this responsibility is the reason I cannot find a single answer to hold on to. Think for a moment of those who believe they have THE ANSWER. If they have THE ANSWER why have the questions not dried up? Yes, I may be able to convince myself even most of the time that there is only ONE TRUTH, and this may aid in my feelings of comfort and safety and security and control, but I'll be damned if I am able to hold on to any part of this thing beyond an anticipation or a memory of its echo. And I sure as Hell cannot define it or describe it in such a way that any other can share my exact vision.

So beyond my comfort and safety and security and confidence, what purpose does ONE TRUTH serve? I am finding that even those Truths that I pursue, such as Justice, are moving targets. As my sense of the World grows, my sense of Justice evolves. If there is ONE TRUTH beyond my sense of the World, I must keep telling myself that it is beyond my sense of the World. I must understand that within my existence in this World, the Truth is ever-changing moment-by-moment.

It is my nature to question.

Here, now, my responsibility is to seek multiple answers to questions that continue to change and multiply as my sense of the World evolves.

Free fall.

I will better serve my responsibilities with less concern for my personal comfort, safety and security.

It is my nature to hang on.

I will better serve my responsibilities by knowing when to move on before I am hung up.

Yet it will remain difficult to face the inevitability of death, the likelihood of pain, the possibility of Nothingness, the dystopian promise for the future, and the futility of Happiness without grasping at illusive reassurance.

It will remain difficult to burst any bubble that seemingly defies the law of gravity.

Free fall…