hopelesshappiness.com

This week I sent the following email to various city officials. Some (unnecessary to this post) details have been edited or deleted.

DOUBLE STANDARDS AND FALSE PROMISES

On Tuesday, August 12 I arrived at the Lake bus stop at 6:15am for the 2A Connector that was supposed to arrive approximately 6:30am. It never came.

On Tuesday August 19 I arrived at the Lake bus stop at 6:20am for the 2A Connector that was supposed to arrive at approximately 6:30am. It never came.

I am starting to see a pattern.

I won't go into detail about August 12th: the multiple calls made, and the fact that on a majority of the phone calls it kicked me into a voice mail system where I received a message that the party I was trying to contact had not set up their voice mail (very clever), and the assurances that the bus was on the way (though what was on the way was the next scheduled bus), and the fact that if they would have said it was the next scheduled bus I could have crossed the street and caught one sooner, and the realization that if (heaven forbid) they would have thought ahead they could have suggested I cross the street, and the fact that they made excuses such as "a software glitch" instead of taking responsibility, and the fact that I missed breakfast so as not to be late to work once I did catch the next bus, and the fact that multiple others were late for work.

I guess I just went into some detail.

On August 19th: At 6:40am I began walking and calling, and got kicked into that devilish voice mail system 2 or 3 times before someone finally picked up. I spoke to Mr. Smith and in fairness to him I was upset, but I (without thinking) assumed they would understand my frustration and have a little empathy since it was their system that failed. I said "Where the Hell is the 2A Connector? This is two times I have tried to catch it at Lake Park and it has not shown up." Mr. Smith indignantly responded that if I continued to curse at him he would hang up. I remained frustrated but used no more language that might offend sensitivities. He made no attempt to empathize, understand, or calm me, but instead chose to fight fire with fire (which, by the way, seldom works). I told him I was now walking to Central (the transit offices) and would like to see a manager. He said she was there and he hung up on me while I was still talking.

I said the word "Hell" in the context of a commonly used phrase. Come on... Does he or do any of us hang up on friends when they use a bad word? Do we admonish people using bad language in public? Do we never get frustrated ourselves and use bad language? And perhaps most importantly, do your bus drivers kick people off the bus for bad language? As a long-time bus rider, I can answer the last question, and I think you can too. Please note that I am saying 'bad' language not 'offensive' because for the most part and in moderation 'bad' language does not offend me, and I am not asking your bus drivers to kick people off the bus for using it. But you cannot have a policy to dismiss some customers (by hanging up on me) for the use of the single word 'Hell' and not carry that policy over to other customers for the more frequent use of a variety of other creative (and at times, entertaining) profanities. I believe the truth to be that Mr. Smith simply did not want to deal with an angry customer so he hid behind that single word.

I was not swearing at Mr. Smith. I don't know Mr. Smith. And I believe to take something personally you must personally know the offending party. To me Mr. Smith was 'The City', and I was upset with the city for twice telling me I could catch a bus at a certain place, at a certain time, and not delivering on that promise.

I also have to say that I do not blame Mr. Smith; he should not become a scapegoat or be thrown under the bus. I again blame the City and its management for not properly training Customer Service Agents on how to deal with complaints. I agree that no one should be subjected to someone cussing a blue streak or threatening violence. That was not the case. I was upset and loud, but I was rational and I had a legitimate complaint. You should train your people to recognize the difference and listen more to what is being said, ignoring (as best as possible) how it is being said. His response should have been, "I understand you are frustrated and I want to help, so if you can please calmly explain the situation, we will work at resolving it." If I would have heard that, I could have skipped most of these last four paragraphs and went directly to my thoughts below.

Upon arrival at Central on August 19th I spoke to Ashley. We agreed to disagree on a couple of points, she was truthful and said that under current circumstance she could not reassure me that this same thing would not happen tomorrow morning when I will try for a third time to catch that bus, and I figured out that she does appear to care about the performance of her responsibilities and taking care of her customers. Since she does care I can only guess that the challenges keeping her from doing so revolve around people, planning, and bureaucracy.

1. You need more people and more dependable people.
2. Since the Connectors are your two key routes, you need to figure out how to ensure they have drivers. Apparently one of the problems on at least two of the eight days in this span (August 12th and August 19th) was that substitute drivers had been assigned to other routes before management knew that a Connector driver was not coming. Ashley suggested that if the starting times for the Connector routes were moved back, that would help to avoid this (software?) human glitch.
3. Bureaucratic shackles restricting Ashley from performing efficiently, must be removed. Are there budget constraints? Hiring restrictions? Hiring priorities? Does a central HR (if there is a central HR) understand the sense of urgency? Is there someone in an Ivory Tower dictating red tape? Have you ever ridden your buses? Have you ever waited an hour for a bus that was supposed to arrive in 15 minutes? Quite frankly, I DON'T CARE how you answer these questions. I just want to see my bus arrive on time tomorrow morning. If it does not, I promise you will know.

END OF EMAIL

If someone fails to deliver on a promise, they should be held accountable; and though that may involve some short-term unpleasantness or pain, I believe it ultimately does more good than harm.

If someone has a personal belief (or an organization has a policy) that they keep in a drawer and determine implementation based on an avoidance of discomfort or pain, the inconsistency will thwart learning and stunt growth.

If Happiness is (as I maintain throughout this site) one's search for Truth and Wisdom, then any effort (regardless of delivery) to encourage empathy, compassion, and a shared responsibility also has the potential to advance a communal Happiness.

If one is in a role as a representative of an organization, one should conduct themselves as such by diluting personal ego with a degree of professional pride and accomplishment appropriate to the circumstance.

There are situations that make it difficult to rise above one's Humanity. I believe there are also circumstances that may require a certain 'passion' (code for anger) to first get someone's attention before calmer discussion can take place. I know that I use this reasoning much more frequently than I should, but I believe in this circumstance - in the moment - it was necessary. Some would argue, claiming that this is not consistent with my previous encouragements for 'Compassion for the Oblivious' (Here). I disagree. As we progress from 'Compassion for the Oblivious' to a 'Communal Responsibility' I believe this sharing requires (even demands) that we hold each other accountable for undelivered promises and inconsistent thought.

As I write these words it is 6:36am on August 21st and I have been on the bus for 7 minutes. Yesterday I received two responses to my email with reassurances of investigation and resolution, and promises of follow-up.

Perhaps you 'can' fight City Hall - We will see...

This feels like a short post but it is important in that it reflects my thought process leading to a decision that will significantly change my day-to-day circumstance.

NOTES:

• Option 1: Don't Quit.
• Option 2: Quit.

If I choose Option 1:

1. I am not being truthful with others.
2. Others may be harmed by my actions; (I do not want to negatively impact others).
3. I will continue to feel under-utilized and at times accommodated (or even demeaned), possibly leading to a growing resentment. I recognize these feelings as prideful, but I'm not certain I can consistently rise above them.
4. I am not walking my talk.
5. I am playing it safe.

If I choose Option 2:

1. I am being truthful with others.
2. If there is harm it will likely be short term; to think otherwise would be prideful. (The reality is that the others that may be harmed do not include family or lifelong friends; and any potential harm is not overt or intentional, and it is not physical harm.)
3. I will likely continue to feel under-utilized because that appears to be my natural state on many paths, but resentment will be potentially curbed, at least for a time.
4. I am standing on my principles of Goodness and Productive / Efficient Creativity.
5. I may be personally harmed - (from currently simmering in the frying pan to rolled in breading and tossed into the deep fryer); or I may personally benefit - (frying pan to renewable resource); or I may continue to simmer, just in a different frying pan.

FURTHER NOTES:

• Option 2A: Flexible Notice that I am seeking another job and will leave on a mutually agreeable future date.
• Option 2B: Two Weeks Notice upon obtaining another job.

If I choose Option 2A:

• I am being completely open and truthful.

If I choose Option 2B:

• I am being selfish; or (in a kinder light) I am practicing self-preservation in order to increase the potential likelihood of becoming a renewable resource.

END OF NOTES

It is an altogether pleasant morning. Not hot enough for my liking but most would say it is agreeable. I am relaxed, my hands are trembling, there's a freight train bearing down on me, and for the moment all is good. I am smiling.

It is a good time to objectively consider all the relevant entanglements impacting a looming decision.

At first I thought the choice between Option 1 and Option 2 was a choice that would require me to compromise one of two principles; the principles being (1) Do No Harm, and (2) Promoting Productive / Efficient Creativity. After thinking it through and studying the subsequent notes above, I have discovered that the harm will be short term and any pain (if there is any pain) may actually work toward the second principle. What the choice really boils down to is me playing it safe vs. me taking principled action. When I look at it in these (objectively truthful) terms it is obvious (at least to me) which one I 'should' choose, yet my humanity demands a respect for fear of the unknown.

I have recognized and acknowledged the fear, but because these circumstances do not appear to involve any physical or long-lasting harm, I believe I will choose Option 2.

This creates another looming decision.

After again thinking it through and reviewing my 'further notes' (also above), this choice between Option 2A and Option 2B appears to be a question of 'being open and truthful' vs. 'selfishness' or (in a kinder light) 'self-preservation'. Being open and truthful wins out over selfishness, but if self-preservation truly increases a likelihood of creating a renewable resource situation (as opposed to simple short-term sustenance), then I need to consider this option. If I opt to see Option 2B as self-preservation, then I need to gauge this actual likelihood; and based on the past (which is supposed to be a good predictor of the future) I would put that likelihood at approximately 10 to 20 percent.

So now I have to judge if (even a) 20% chance of becoming a renewable resource is worth compromising my need to be open and truthful with others; and when I see it in these terms, the principle of truthfulness wins out. I will choose Option 2A.

Thank you for listening.

In this past week I have been pleasantly surprised with some new discoveries:

1. I discovered that finely crushed cheese snack crackers add a nice bite to meatloaf.
2. I discovered that after my pork tenderloin has marinated for several hours in a marinade of teriyaki, cider vinegar, ginger, garlic, margarita mix, and mustard, I can add onions, tomato sauce, honey, and pepper jelly to the marinade to create a great sauce for the pork and the accompanying rice.
3. I discovered a fascinating documentary from 1999 called 'Under the Covers' all about two guys (a photographer and an artist) who formed a partnership in the 60's and 70's creating album covers.

These discoveries are notable due to the intensity of the surprise. I was not expecting much from the cheese crackers in the meatloaf or the pepper jelly in the pork sauce; (I was out of panko bread crumbs and orange marmalade and just substituted what was handy), but Wow! And the dvd documentary, I had picked up from a local used record shop for $1.99 about six months ago mainly because I thought it was a bargain, (obviously also not expecting much), and again, Wow! This last discovery led me back to my personal collection of albums and album covers for further rediscoveries.

Now I am sitting here with my iced tea on a Monday morning looking forward to what surprises may come my way this week. Because I was rewarded this past week with some simple surprises I am now involuntarily more hopeful that I will be rewarded again this coming week.

I see 3 factors at work here: (1) Expectations; (2) Creativity; and (3) Surprise. Some thoughts:

• If I expect too little, I am afraid that will result in dormancy.
• If I expect too much, I know I will be disappointed.
• I would rather expect too much because, despite the disappointment, I believe an actively hopeful mindset is more likely to lead to creativity.
• Delusional thought from expecting too much can be harmful if excessive, but a moderate amount may be necessary and helpful toward creativity and one's sanity. For example, a reasonable amount of thinking one is better off and even thinking one is better is a modern defense that can encourage and protect, allowing for continued learning and growth. It must be tempered though with an active humility. ('Active Humility' was previously defined and discussed in this post followed the next week by this post.)
• I don't believe 'realistic' expectations are possible in the sense that reality changes with every moment and I don't believe we can keep up. But though we may not be able to realign our expectations with each new moment, I do believe we can learn to learn from disappointment and move on; and in this sense our expectations appear realistic in that we continue to function despite the disappointment.
• I would define functional creativity as (a) being alert for and attentive to ALL possibilities, (b) making choices outside one's comfort zone, (c) translating thought into action, (d) evaluating results, (e) utilizing the new knowledge consistent with one's character, and then (f) starting the process again.
• Is a lack of expectation different from expecting too little? I have been going back and forth on this and (for now) I believe it depends on if 'a lack of expectation' is due to laziness or legitimate prioritizing.
• If I expect surprises they won't be as surprising. Surprises are best when they take you by surprise; and though obvious, I must remind myself of this so I do not confuse surprise and gratitude. I believe some of the best surprises are a result of functional creativity as defined above.

Crushed crackers, pepper jelly, and album covers... ...Who'd have thought?

Imagine being married to someone who has every refrigerator / cupboard shelf and drawer in your kitchen labeled and slotted for exactly one week's groceries; and specific percentages of the total are assigned to each food category allowed: meat, vegetables, starch / grains, breakfast foods, and drinks. Dessert is not allowed, and between-meal snacking must be minimal and surreptitious.

On Friday you are expected to have at least 98% of all space filled for utilization throughout the coming week. If you have more than 2% open spaces on Friday you are subject to tirades and interrogation. If your open spaces equate to less than 2% but more than 0% you can expect some questions and heavy sighs. Here's how it works:

1. You are allotted no more than 30 minutes shopping time in the grocery store. The clock starts when you enter and stops after checkout as you are exiting the front doors of the store.
2. You have a strict budget.
3. You hate grocery shopping, and you would still dislike it even if there were no rules.
4. Throughout the week you are expected to make numerous, brief exploratory excursions into the grocery store. These reconnaissance missions are required more frequently as new items are introduced and stocked on the grocery store shelves. Even when your shelves at home are full and you are too lazy to or don't see the sense in cleaning out your cupboard, and/or you know you will be unable to afford the new items, you are still expected to evaluate every new item without exception.
5. Throughout the week, if you have any waste (i.e. you do not clean your plate) you must fill out a questionnaire explaining the reason for the disuse and, especially if the extravagance is frequent, you may be subject to further questioning as to the nature of your shopping strategy.
6. Throughout the week you frequently lament the fact that your diet invariably consists of generic Lucky Charms for breakfast, bologna and plain chips for lunch, and some formulation of canned tuna, canned green beans, and plain rice or potatoes for dinner.
7. Occasionally as you rush through the store you come across an endcap with a sale item that allows for an upgrade. These upgrades are usually brief as you tend to use up these scarce resources much more quickly.
8. Your spouse is not required to subsist on the same diet as you, and in fact is frequently absent at meal-times. Additionally, your spouse frequently puzzles over why you insist on the same foods week after week, though as long as you perform all of your required spousely duties there is no real attempt to understand or assist.

And this is the system in place for one of the most important processes (if not THE most important process) critical to your sustenance, enjoyment, and growth.

I am considering a divorce.

--"911; what is your emergency?"

--"I've had some bad thoughts. I'm afraid."

--"Sir, could I have your name and location?"

--"No. I don't want to be hasty or reckless."

--"Sir, is there a crime in progress."

--"To this point no laws have been broken."

--"We are unable to ID your phone number or location. Please state the nature of your emergency."

--"I told you, there is no emergency; but I am afraid. I had those dreams again last night."

--"Okay sir. I'm trying to understand. Can you tell me if anyone is there with you?"

--"There are others nearby."

--"Is anyone in danger?"

--"I don't think so. No immediate danger. Everyone looks okay. Everyone appears calm. ...just going about their business."

--"In that case, if it's okay, I'm going to let you talk to someone else. Will you hold on for just a moment while I get Sara on the line."

--"I don't want to be swept under a rug! And I don't want to be treated like a nut!"

--"No sir. I understand that, and I won't transfer you if you don't want me to. It's just that I'm supposed to answer emergency calls like when someone's hurt or in immediate danger. It's Sara's job to listen as long as you need her to. But it's completely up to you."

--"And if I don't like Sara, can she transfer me back to you?"

--"Absolutely. My name's Ben and I'm not going anywhere."

--"Okay; go ahead. But it better not be more than a minute."

--"I promise; and thank you. I think you'll like Sara."

... ... ... ...

--"Hello, this is Sara. Can you tell me your name?"

--"No... ...but you can call me John."

--"Okay John. From what Ben told me, you might be upset and you said you were afraid. Can you tell me what you are afraid of?"

--"You know what I'm afraid of, and I also told Ben that I didn't want to be treated like a nut; so watch the tone."

--"You're right John, and I'm sorry; but until I understand a little more, I typically tread lightly."

--"I understand that. I guess you never know who you're dealing with."

--"That's so true John. My first impression of you though is that you're a straight shooter. It sounds like you'd prefer honesty, even if it hurts, over being patronized. Am I wrong?"

--"No Sara, you're right on the money. I'm much less likely to get pissed if you tell me how you see it. I may not always agree, but it's a helluva lot better than feeling used - like someone's running a game on you."

--"So it's okay to respectfully disagree."

--"It's required."

--"Good John. I don't disagree with that. But I'm glad to know I could if I wanted."

--"Like I said... it's required... ...sounds like you may have a sense of humor. That's rare these days. Most people seem to appreciate subtle, sarcastic humor, but many are too superficial to express it well."

--"I'm not sure I understand."

--"See... ...that's perfect. It's like most people don't seem to want to connect or don't know how; they just want to advance their agenda, which usually isn't even their agenda, but somebody else's; and what they don't get is that all these agendas don't really belong to anybody, but to everybody."

--"So you're saying that we're all collectively responsible for everything that happens; all the connections and disconnects."

--"Exactly! Most people don't see that."

--"So if we're all responsible, does that include you John?"

--"Of course it does. I am no more and no less important and every bit as responsible as any other individual."

--"Are you alone John?"

--"Well, no one can hear our conversation if that's what you mean."

--"So there are others nearby. And as we said earlier I can be honest, so I've got to tell you I'm concerned about the people around you."

--"Well Sara, when I first called I was too; just a little. Sometimes the anger... ... ... ...well anyway, you don't need to worry now. I do get worked up in my head sometimes and I don't have a lot of patience for stupidity, but I also usually calm down fairly quickly and realize that what I see as stupidity is really just obliviousness. And, I'm sure many people see me as stupid or oblivious as well. I see myself that way in certain situations. But you can't get mad at people for being human."

--"No we shouldn't; but sometimes it's hard not to. So now that we've determined everyone else is okay, what can I do to help you John?"

--"Do you know how tough it is... ...how demeaning it can be to ask for help? I think back to times when someone has come to me for help and I know I sounded patronizing and judgmental, and now that I ask for help... ...well, maybe it's just payback - what goes around comes around. Do you believe in that?"

--"I don't know John. I actually have thought about that quite a bit and while I sometimes like the idea of retribution and justice, I'm not sure that's even how it should work. I mean, sometimes I think I'd rather live the pain than to be oblivious, and I think some people are more prone to pain while others are just more naturally attuned to being oblivious. Maybe ignorance is bliss, but it's also still ignorance."

--"Well put. But I'm not sure that addresses whether it's better to share the pain and open yourself to judgment or ridicule, or if it's better to hold it in and work yourself up to a frenzy of anger and other emotions."

--"I guess that partially depends on who you have to share with; but I think sometimes we get into a state where we have to share with someone; even anyone; like you're doing here with me, now."

--"Hmm."

--"Tell me this John - you mentioned other emotions; if you can work yourself up to a frenzy of anger, do you ever work yourself up to a frenzy of any positive emotions?"

--"Yes, yes I do! Lately I've been watching other people closely and thinking a lot about some who I felt have done me wrong in the past and I am getting closer all the time to real compassion. Of course I will never perfect it, but the forced exercise of seeing through their eyes really helps me to understand their actions and to know that there is an immensity of factors that have impact on decisions; and one of those factors is me. And so how can I be upset with someone for a circumstance that I helped to create? And I realize there will never be a circumstance that I am a part of that I didn't impact in some way."

--"I like your thinking John."

--"The unfortunate part is that when I do work myself into a frenzy of positivity or goodness, I can share those emotions through actions and behaviors if not verbalization; but just like my dreams, most people don't want to hear negativity or pain."

--"So John, tell me about your dreams."

--"What's to tell? I hurt people."

--"Do you just hurt them? Or worse?"

--"Both. Sometimes I just want them to leave me be and so I'm just trying to hurt them, and sometimes I try to kill them but I'm not always successful; but sometimes I am."

--"Are they strangers or people you know?"

--"Strangers. Or at least I come out of the dreams not knowing; I can't put a face to any of them; I just remember the acts."

--"Do you think these dreams are normal and okay?"

--"I don't know about normal because I never hear anyone else talk about their 'killing' dreams, but then I don't suppose most people would. As for okay, I think that's irrelevant. They just are. I mean, they're honest; and I'm being honest about them. Somehow I think it would be worse to suppress them, don't you? It all sounds very Freudian..."

--"I don't know John. Unfortunately I'm not a dream expert. But as I said before, I agree with the honesty part. I think some of the worst monsters walk around wearing a smiley-face mask."

--"Ben was right. I do like you Sara. Your job is to listen, and you do that well, but you also contribute and make me think. So let me ask you a question."

--"Okay."

--"Are there degrees of bad, like gray areas, or is it all black and white? And I'm not talking about choosing between the lesser of two evils because I believe that is too often a justification and if we just took the time to think further outside the box we could avoid both evils. Here I am talking about the progression from feeling to thinking to acting to learning to absorbing and embracing. Since we are all human I know we all feel certain things that society or certain segments of society deem as 'bad' and then if we spend time thinking about those things is that worse? And then if we act on them? And then if they become habitual, and/or we incorporate them into our character? I mean, how do you know where to stop? By the time we absorb and embrace these 'bad' things, I suspect we no longer see them as bad."

--"Interesting. I agree that we all feel certain things that if acted upon would be bad. So I don't think feeling these things is bad, but I can see how thinking about them can be considered a gray area. As long as our thoughts did not turn into actions though, how can that be bad? Yet if we didn't think about them at all how could they possibly turn into actions? yet again, how can we control thoughts of others? And if they are free to think, why shouldn't I be free to think? And, I believe it is good to be truthful with oneself. And I also believe it is valuable to be free to express one's thoughts; to a point. So without turning this into Constitutional Law 101, I see your point that the further one travels along this progression the foggier it gets."

--"Yes! Until you absorb the light of indoctrination and no longer see what you once considered bad, as bad. It has become a part of you, so it must be okay."

--"Yes. I can see that. And I think a good example of that is usury. Did you know that some dictionaries still define any loan with any interest as usury? But now, look at us."

--"So Sara, are we saying that all progress and change is bad?"

--"No; not at all. Some progress advances Goodness, and to reflect this I would respectfully suggest that you amend your progression to include 'the light of learning and growth' alongside 'the light of indoctrination'. And I would consider the highest guiding principle for differentiating the two to be Do No Harm; and I believe untruthfulness to be harmful."

--"Good points. But how can we totally avoid harm?"

--"We can't. But we can progress in that direction by first doing no physical harm and then considering potential emotional, intellectual, and spiritual harm."

--"Wow. You've really thought this through."

--"I've had the advantage of talking to numerous thinkers, like yourself John."

--"And you have given me a lot to think about. I am now more confident that I will continue to successfully ride herd on my emotions. After all, I have had success with my anger."

--"And exactly how do you keep that anger in check?"

--"By not keeping it in check. I uncage it to wreak whatever havoc it might, to see how monstrous it can be; I watch it; I learn from it; I embrace it. I do this with many emotions, both positive and negative."

--"I'll be honest John; you're scaring me a little. That's never been a danger to yourself, or others?"

--"No."

--"And how can that be?"

--"Because I release it into these imaginary conversations... ...and so far, even in these imaginings, (which by the way are usually more honest and real than so-called reality), I have never hurt anyone and I always come back stronger. By separating and listening to all the voices, I always react more rationally. Thank you again Sara. You've helped me and I'm not as afraid now."

--"Any time John - Any time."