hopelesshappiness.com

I have come to think of active humility as confident uncertainty - One must know when and what they don't know, acknowledge how little they do know, be truthful with oneself and with others, and seek possible answers. As frequently stated, I don't believe we will find an ultimate Truth, but I do believe we can search and move in that direction.

I originally started this post by asking - How does one verbally encourage humility without sounding self-righteous, bitter, divisive, or full of crap? But after puzzling over this question for a day or so, I realize that I have been confusing humility with an arrogant speciousness masquerading as humility - (of which I am guilty); and also with simple feelings of insignificance or inadequacy - (which is not humility, but an enervating ambiguity). With this (seemingly small but critically significant) epiphany, I now feel we can verbally encourage humility by explaining the value of confident uncertainty (learning, growth, trust, respect, progress, truthfulness, Happiness...) as opposed to my normal method of encouraging humility by excoriating Pride (the mother of all sin) and its direct descendants (Ignorance, Fear of Failure, Quiescence, Conformity, Arrogance, Indifference, the Enmity of Us and Them, Narcissism, and Contempt). While our nature may at times dictate a spirited or vengeful denunciation in the course of one's search for Truth, Wisdom, and Happiness, any criticism (constructive or otherwise) can also come across as sounding self-righteous, bitter, divisive, and/or full of crap.

Recently I was at a graduation party and a notebook was passed around where we were asked to write a question for the new graduate. In my arrogant speciousness I wrote "Humility or Confidence?" This question at its best is incomplete, and at its worst is misleading. Humility and Confidence are not opposites. The opposite of Humility is Arrogance and the opposite of Confidence is Uncertainty. And of course any of these four qualities could just be a veiled pretense put on to cover one's birthmarks and scars. As the question was presented ("Humility or Confidence?") one is persuaded to equate Confidence with Arrogance. A better question would have been to ask for a definition of Humility and/or to explain its relationship to (or with) Confidence.

If I were of a cynical nature, at this point I might concede the logic of valuing sincere Humility, but I might also ask - How can one be certain of another's sincerity? I might ask this because... A) Some people are quite good at arrogant speciousness, and B) Some people are sincere but delusional; and if we are going with a working definition of Humility as 'Confident Uncertainty' even the tiniest delusional crumb invalidates the probity of one's sincerity and thereby erodes trust. And this opens up another avenue of questioning and that is How do we determine what is and is not delusional thought? A simple majority will too likely be a vocal majority, and empirical determination would likely leave out meaningful ethical, emotional, and transcendental considerations. Delusional determinations would come down to (and actually have come down to) arguments amongst individuals over gaps and unknowns and systems of belief all of which are unprovable. Many individuals simply avoid discussion or argument by seeking the ease and comfort of other like-minded thinkers and/or inspirational dogma. But as I said, I would only question one's sincerity if I were inclined toward cynicism.

So, if we acknowledge the value of confident uncertainty, and if we acknowledge that every one of us is in some way(s) delusional, then there is only one person that I can potentially trust to practice Sincere Confident Uncertainty. Which also means that there is only one person who can keep me from that practice; which I know on occasion will occur.

It seems I have put forth considerable thought and effort to figure something out that I could have read by searching 'Humility' in any number of 'famous quote' web sites. But that would be a little like the difference between a big pot of Gumbo simmering all day on my stovetop, and a fast food burger grabbed in a drive thru and digested on the road.

This has been an important post for me. These words, this thought, this effort has made manifest a process that I believe will help me to advance on Truth, Wisdom, and Happiness; a process that in many ways (at least for the moment) has turned my arrogance on its head, exposing its insubstantiality formerly hidden beneath its kilt.

...A kilt that made a statement.

...A kilt that was beautifully impressive.

...A kilt of flimsy synthetics.

It is difficult to reconcile my humanity with my desire for perfection. I so badly want to be all things to all people, yet I invariably - consistently - let someone down. This disappointment then reverberates like seismic aftershocks varying in intensity and frequency, depending on the epicenter. And as in an actual earthquake the closer the epicenter is to home, the greater the intensity and frequency (as dictated by the original quake's strength). Yet to complicate matters (and to mix metaphors) times when I disappoint myself (which is as close to home as I can get) the original quake often seems calm like the eye of a hurricane, but I know to expect more intense aftershocks. I'd like to explore further. I'd like to understand.

I believe disappointment in oneself, to a point, contributes to learning and growth. Beyond a certain point it can morph into debilitating regret. I have a tendency to beat myself up pretty good in the immediate aftermath of personal mistakes, but as the years (and decades) have passed I have also learned to recognize that point where the beating must stop. The self-inflicted beatings though can be rekindled by others who may continue to beat on me verbally or emotionally. Regardless, I have always said and firmly believe that no one is any tougher on me than me. Yet if I decide it is time to move on (by objectively seeing my mistake as a lesson), but others continue to beat me up, I still wonder if (since it is happening) I don't somehow deserve it. This works on my confidence and (as previously stated) breathes new life into my self-inflicted beatings; and if this cycle continues it can lead to the aforementioned debilitating regret and/or shameful powerlessness.

This process can be seen most easily in bureaucratic settings such as the workplace where one's personnel file may be filled with warnings that in some (perhaps most) cases are simply a tool utilized to control and subjugate. The same can be said for other bureaucratic processes (essentially any that involve market currencies and/or an 'us and them') such as our systems of justice, finance, and government aid. Most of us, in varying ways and degrees, are slaves to some system; and by being so we often find it difficult-to-impossible to throw off the shackles and regain any confidence and/or power.

"You are bad because you were 10 minutes late. You're in the system now and I won't let you forget."

"You are bad because you were loitering on the sidewalk, blocking pedestrian traffic at 1am in a bad neighborhood. You're in the system now and I won't let you forget."

"You are bad because you were one day late paying your credit card bill. I have charged you a $25 late fee and you're in the system now and I won't let you forget."

"You are bad because you are a single welfare Mom who can't afford day care in order to be a productive member of society making minimum wage flipping burgers or cleaning toilets. We will help you, but we are also going to watch you very, very closely. You're in the system now and I won't let you forget."

"You are bad because you were born to a single welfare Mom. We will help you, but we are also going to watch you very, very closely. You're in the system now and I won't let you forget."

No matter where you turn, there are beatings.

Some beatings are adjudged to be deserved:

"You are bad because you robbed a convenience store at gunpoint. You're lost in the system now and I will forget you."

Some beatings are not administered:

"You are bad because you committed fraud, but considering the cost and potential consequences of a beating, you may buy me off and if you promise not to do it again I will forget it ever happened."

And some beatings - particularly those administered by a system - go on far too long:

"You are human and you made a mistake. I will never let you forget."

My original response to this final accusation - "Who am I to say? Perhaps I do deserve the beatings..." But I (almost) immediately saw the 'in-the-moment' emotion and self-pity, so instead here is what I have to say - "PbbbthbbptthbbbpthPbbbt!"

I am human; and it is my humanity that not only allows me to make mistakes, but also allows me to move past them. I may not forget; especially when it hits close to home; most especially when I am disappointed in me. But I can decide when it is time to stop the beatings. The system cannot do that because the system is inhuman; and it is sad to note that this has apparently given many humans permission to follow suit. Some of us then blame it on the system and some glory in the power and control.

But back to my original objective - To better understand disappointment so I may harden or soften myself accordingly. Four weeks ago I made 11 seditious suggestions encouraging individual, independent action in an attempt to reduce / eliminate our herd mentality and enlarge / strengthen one's individual humanity. There is a parallel. As in the previous post where I encouraged knowing the difference between market currencies and human currencies, here we need to learn the difference between (1) systematized, bureaucratic beatings that by their nature cannot end, and (2) emotionally-driven, human beatings that by their nature are (at the beginning) exaggerated and gradually (sometimes rapidly) subside, allowing for learning and resurgent respect. We need to know the difference between human and inhuman.

I must harden myself when I am on the receiving end of a beating and reach within to know when its impact has become counterproductive.

I must soften myself when I administer beatings to others in order to see when the impact has become counterproductive. If I am administering a beating in the name of a system, I must soften myself in the same manner and ensure that the recipient sees the difference between our humanity and the inhumanity inherent in the system.

I must simultaneously harden and soften myself when administering self-inflicted beatings to maximize learning and minimize harm.

It can be so hard to move on when every direction you turn there is someone lurking in the shadows with a big stick. It overwhelms. Ultimately, when faced with this reality, our choices are very limited; but I believe the best choice is to harden myself, take my beatings, and keep moving forward in the active hope - (an active hope that must include work, human interaction, learning, growth, and exoteric goodness) - that I will be shown to a sunny place with fewer shadows.

This week I have been discouraged... and angry; largely due to the supercilious separation between us and them.

Observations:

Us - Are Us.
Them - are them.

Us - Look alike.
Them - look different.

Us - Act alike.
Them - act different.

Us - Think alike.
Them - think different.

Us - Believe the same.
Them - believe different.

Us - Know the Truth.
Them - are wrong.

Us - Agree.
Them - don't agree with Us.

This all seems rather simplistic, but it remains at the crux of numerous disagreements and misunderstandings, and creates unnecessary and baseless contempt and hostility.

It is interesting that human nature dictates a fear of that which is different or unknown (thus creating an us and a them), yet to survive we feel we must find some spirit of cooperation. So we handle both instincts (fear and survival) by dividing the world into an us and a them. And by doing so, we miss out on so much.

Two contrasting examples:

1. Nine years ago, I went through Hurricane Katrina. In the immediate aftermath the intense spirit of cooperation was more meaningful and effective than any I have ever experienced. There was no 'us and them'. After about a week though (in some contexts, just 3 or 4 days), once the multi-tentacled government had taken charge, implementing heavy-handed bureaucracy and in some areas a military police-state, we returned to our familiar roles of us and/or them.
2. This week while walking home from work I observed a car (in the left hand turn lane at a stop light) pulled in front of the broad white line and the pad that triggers the light to change. As I was approaching the intersection I watched the light cycle twice, but with no one behind her, the woman in the car kept sitting. As I crossed in front of her I saw the frustration and confusion on her face, not knowing what was wrong with the light. She was a nicely dressed Caucasian lady in her 50's or 60's. I felt her pain, stopped, and motioned her to roll down her window. I thought if I explained, it would not only help her now but also in the future. The cross street was busy, and this is in a relatively safe town of about 100,000. I am a middle-aged white guy wearing a tie, it is a bright sunny day at 2 in the afternoon, and when I approached her, her look of alarm soon turned to fear and/or anger as she frantically shook her head 'NO' and reached for her purse. I quickly backed away, and did not wait to see what she was reaching for. I was one of 'them'. Her fear of 'us' (apparently anyone she did not know) was so great she could not think rationally; and the prevalence of 'us and them' is so pervasive that to make this point I feel both compelled and ashamed to explain (again) that we were both white and middle-aged and nicely dressed and... and part of (my interpretation of) us.

In this second example, some may think 'you can't be too careful' and believe she did act rationally, but I do not believe one can think, act, or react rationally in the throes of frantic fear; and we are some times too quick to fear. And with this thought, I am now asking myself a hard question - Would I have felt her pain and/or approached her if she had not been white and middle-aged and nicely dressed? I want to believe that I am different than her and I do believe that my fear is not as deep and my concept of 'Us' is more expansive (the deeper the fear, the more narrow the 'us-inclusive' parameters), but how many times in a week do I still instinctively gravitate toward 'Us' and avoid those who are different - those who are scary? The fact is, regardless of the breadth of my parameters or the depth of my fear, I have created borders to keep scary people out.

Perhaps, in a small minority of the cases (I believe 10% or less), scary people should be less scary; yet a large majority of these perceived threats I believe not only do not pose a danger but actually create an opportunity for mutual learning and growth. So what are we really afraid of? A denigration / deterioration of 'Us' as a result of tearing down walls and broadening horizons? Based on observations, we apparently do believe this. We believe it would be weak to evolve compassionately; we believe it would create vulnerabilities to realize that one who is a part of 'us' in one context is a part of 'them' in a different context; we would not feel safe or secure if we admitted the fact that everyone is different than 'me', therefore the only true 'us' is a party of one; and so with this strong, instinctive foundation in place, we believe our integrity would be compromised if we violate the sanctity of Us by living as if Us Are Them and Them Are Us. So we make the decision to stay strong... and divisive... and stagnant...

Long Live Us!

SPACEMAN

Freak Accident #1:

Due to an apparent malfunction of the emergency ejection apparatus I am hurtled from the security of my space ship into a solitary orbit around the Earth. I am able to maintain sustenance (air, water, food) through the marvels of advanced technology, but I have no way of communicating my plight to another living being. I am destined to live out my Life, alone with my thoughts, staring longingly at home. I instinctively search for and find meaning through contact with the assortment of man made objects also orbiting our planet. To touch home in this manner, even for just a moment, helps me to remember the beauty, and the challenge, and the enormity of this miracle of Life, and in my humility I find this active appreciation to be enough...

Freak Accident #2:

I have lost all sense of 'me'. I understand the concept and know at one time I had it, otherwise I couldn't speak of it. And I know precisely the moment it happened. A freak cloud of space dust engulfed me about five orbitals past. With its dense, buffeting force it nearly flung me into deep space, but in the end it spit me back to continue revolving around the world. When I emerged from the cloud, I knew something was different - I had no concept of 'me'. I could still (and can still) tell you my name and remember my history from early childhood to the present moment, and I can still speak of me in that regard, but I do not feel connected to 'me' in any way other than as a mildly interested onlooker. There is no longer the intense emotional affinity there once was. However, once I comprehended this dissociation I looked down upon the Earth and my entire being filled with an electrical hum that with practice I have learned to separate into specific, conjoined spikes of pain, sadness, comfort, joy, and innumerable other physical, mental, and emotional sensations. It was as if... as if the living, thinking vibrancy of the entire planet had replaced 'me'. And you would think these conflicting sensations would in some way(s) cause distress; but no - it energized, strengthened, and in a strange, inexplicable sort of way made me feel light as a feather balanced on the head of a pin.

Freak Accident #3:

My equipment has been disabled. I am guessing that a tiny space pebble has lodged in a rear thruster causing occasional vertiginous spinning, a consistent instability impacting balance, and has also created a cacophonous symphony of constant high-pitched whining interspersed with various staccato drum beats and punctuated by other notes and whistles of varying lengths, pitches, and timbres that relentlessly reverberate through my equipment and my physical being. I cannot definitively locate the source and I believe the pebble must periodically reposition itself thus changing the nature and intensity of the spinning, instability, and disharmony. Fortunately I have been able to (for the most part) remain detached from these disfunctionings and actually look upon them as a companionable and (at times) entertaining distraction. Regardless, I am at their mercy.

Freak Accident #4:

In space I rarely remember my dreams, or dreaming. About two orbitals past (wide awake) I was suddenly overwhelmed with an odor I can most closely describe as blood and overripe fruit; perhaps apricots. Within a minute after the smell had announced itself, I saw a swirling multicolor funnel effect ahead and slightly to my right; it was much like an artist's rendering of a black hole I had once seen. Of course I know that there are no black holes within many-hundred light years of Earth, and I know they do not look like this; I assumed the vision was a physical reaction to the paralyzing odor. As the vision receded, the smell also dissipated and I seemed none the worse (or better); until the dream...

During my next doze I dreamed that I opened my eyes and instead of the normal magnificent view of Earth from space, I was looking down (as I might from the top of a tall tree) upon a large garden or park and a rather large group of children playing. I saw no adults. I could hear the children's shouts and laughter; I could see the tears of the little one who skinned her knee; I could see the respect given to the older child as she comforted and coaxed the small child back to carefree play; I could sense the camaraderie and unspoken understanding of a free-spirited give and take; and I could see the discord (when it infrequently arose) soon turned to harmonious accord - not through a set of rules or heavy-handed bullying, but through a shared compassion encouraged and nurtured by the desire to play. Their hearts were open - their play was meaningful.

Freak Accident #5:

Ever since I accidentally detached my regenerator and had to (frantically) cleanse, purify, and repressurize my system, my dreams (though still rare) have taken an interesting turn. Now when I open my eyes (in my dream) I am able to direct my omniscience to anywhere I sense it may be helpful, and additionally I am able to focus specific conjoined spikes of sensation back toward the individuals presented in my dream. I typically choose comfort, joy, goodness, and peace to send forth, though sometimes, almost beyond my capacity to reason, pain feels appropriate as a learning aid. I know they feel the electrical hum of my wordless effort; I can see it in their reaction and I can feel it reflected back to me, shifting my balance and adding to my already-loaded circuitry. It is funny-strange that the more I dream in this manner, the lighter the feather, the smaller the head of the pin, and the more perfect the balance; (never completely perfect - always a bit precarious - but closer).

EARTHMAN

Freak Accident #5:

I am in a position of responsibility, overseeing work and managing people. I don't mean to hurt people. Their pain and suffering is just at times an accidental byproduct of decisions I make for the greater good. Yes, some disagree and argue my interpretation of 'greater good' but it is my place to make these decisions. It is not like I am a bloodthirsty tyrant waging war and calling on a military to use deadly force; (though I do understand how the leaders of this great country must occasionally make those decisions). Due to my superior position and skills I am simply doing what is best.

Freak Accident #4:

I remember the good old days when the boss was the boss and the employees did what they were told. And then there came the accident. Every major organization has had one. For us it was when a careless window washer fell from a scaffolding, broke his back, and ended up in a wheelchair. Of course he wasn't wearing a harness; back in the day, we didn't need them. Suddenly we were inundated with insurance people and lawyers and those Damn human resources people. It seemed our HR department tripled in size overnight. And then of course we had more rules and policies and procedures to cover every conceivable eventuality; and now we sign acknowledgements that we have read things we've never read, because if we read everything, we would never get any work done.

I would like to go back to the good old days; but since I cannot, I will continue to take advantage of this new bureaucracy. There are the obvious advantages such as when someone gets hurt the company's damage is mitigated by the policy or procedure the careless employee signed and never read. There are also more subtle, devious advantages if a boss is even halfway familiar with the rules. For example, when you have a troublemaker there are multiple ways to get rid of them; and yes, sometimes it is a process what with warnings and counseling and all the additional documentation, but the rules are written in a way that pests are controlled. Additionally, with all the rules, bosses can now control 'specialization' which is a fancy, HR term enabling separation and detachment that in turn thwarts trouble before it can start; (and I know how to spot trouble, sometimes even before I've spoken to a new employee). Granted, this disconnect that is created harms productivity, but I didn't make the rules; remember, I'd like to return to the good old days when I knew how to increase productivity. Today manual labor refers to work done by the book; i.e. the 1500 page policy/procedure manual. I can only speak to what I know, but what I see is a bunch of workers whose hearts are not in their work. And I acknowledge that much of the work (from their perspective) appears meaningless largely due to the layers of bureaucracy, but that's okay because I don't want them to see the big picture. That's my job.

Freak Accident #3:

About this time last year, by chance, I ran across an old friend on the golf course. I had not seen him for several years and had lost track of his what-and-whereabouts. It turns out he is a VP in a large organization and he was searching for a new Director of Operations to take charge of some upcoming acquisitions and have responsibility over a current work force numbering in the thousands, and growing. Seeing as how I felt my current position was on a plateau, we negotiated and I am now thriving in a position of power that suits my desires, skills, and abilities (in my humble opinion) perfectly. We have been very successful, and I must admit that I enjoy the power and control. Though I would not say this aloud, it is thrilling to have so many, essentially, at my mercy...

Freak Accident #2:

I did not get my way. I had plans that did not turn out as they should have. I am important and the world does tend to revolve around me, and when it does, everyone is better for it. But now this setback - I'm sure just a crazy freak accident. Suddenly I am plunged into an icy cold abyss of dark distress, and I feel the weight of the world not only on me, but also pushing out from within. Now, I intend to push back and I will have my way. Come on Guys! Just Listen!

Freak Accident #1:

I am born as me; the odds of that are astronomical. I live on a planet with more than 7 billion other sentient beings and throughout my Life I instinctively search for a greater meaning beyond the empirical reality that surrounds me. Beyond the beauty, and the challenge, and the enormity of this miracle of Life, in my arrogance I believe there must be more...

I seek reassurance through Music, Work, Knowledge, Human Interaction, Spirituality, Goodness, and Peace.

I seek reassurance because I live in doubt; filled with uncertainty, hesitancy, apprehension, disquiet.

I live in doubt because I live within my humanity.

I live within my humanity because complete transcendence, in this Lifetime, is not possible.

By living within my humanity, I feel that on occasion, I touch transcendence.

I touch transcendence through Music, Work, Knowledge, Human Interaction, Spirituality, Goodness, and Peace.

Artistic Expression:
--good music (my artistic preference) should simultaneously disquiet and reassure. Your artistic preference(s) should do the same

Work:
--hard work should simultaneously strengthen one's humanity and encourage greater effort toward improvement and growth. The results of one's work will never be perfect. We must know this and strive for a greater excellence.

Knowledge:
--true learning (the attainment of knowledge) should create more questions than it answers.

Human Interaction:
--true friendship should simultaneously support and challenge.

Spirituality:
--thoughtful spirituality can reassure through a shared sense of ineffable uncertainty. It is this shared sense of ineffable uncertainty that may lead one to blind faith. It is blind faith that leads one to a superficial spirituality and a delusional (but often comfortable) sense of security.

Goodness:
--exoteric goodness should reassure the recipient, and the act should propel the anonymous benefactor.

Peace:
--peace is not possible without apprehension; moments of peace reassure.

This week I read the following lines from Donna Tartt's 1992 book 'The Secret History': "Beauty is rarely soft or consolatory. Quite the contrary. Genuine beauty is always quite alarming."

To live fully, I must live in doubt, seeking reassurance, within my humanity, so I may (on occasion) touch transcendence.

To live in this manner is terrifyingly beautiful.