hopelesshappiness.com

YEAR that trembled and reel'd beneath me!
Your summer wind was warm enough, yet the air I breathed
         froze me,
A thick gloom fell through the sunshine and darken'd me,
Must I change my triumphant songs? said I to myself,
Must I indeed learn to chant the cold dirges of the baffled?
And sullen hymns of defeat?
* --Walt Whitman

Circumstance that trembles and reels beneath me!
I am weighted on one side by a pocketful of pennies
         and an aching, blister'd foot.
A cruel wind blusters through my head screaming unintelligible whispers of encouragement.
Am I what I think? Said I to myself.
Would it not be better to simply be what I am, or what I am not?
And if I give all of myself, will I fuse and strengthen? Or will I dissolve?
* --bryan

This week I sent the following email to various city officials. Some (unnecessary to this post) details have been edited or deleted.

DOUBLE STANDARDS AND FALSE PROMISES

On Tuesday, August 12 I arrived at the Lake bus stop at 6:15am for the 2A Connector that was supposed to arrive approximately 6:30am. It never came.

On Tuesday August 19 I arrived at the Lake bus stop at 6:20am for the 2A Connector that was supposed to arrive at approximately 6:30am. It never came.

I am starting to see a pattern.

I won't go into detail about August 12th: the multiple calls made, and the fact that on a majority of the phone calls it kicked me into a voice mail system where I received a message that the party I was trying to contact had not set up their voice mail (very clever), and the assurances that the bus was on the way (though what was on the way was the next scheduled bus), and the fact that if they would have said it was the next scheduled bus I could have crossed the street and caught one sooner, and the realization that if (heaven forbid) they would have thought ahead they could have suggested I cross the street, and the fact that they made excuses such as "a software glitch" instead of taking responsibility, and the fact that I missed breakfast so as not to be late to work once I did catch the next bus, and the fact that multiple others were late for work.

I guess I just went into some detail.

On August 19th: At 6:40am I began walking and calling, and got kicked into that devilish voice mail system 2 or 3 times before someone finally picked up. I spoke to Mr. Smith and in fairness to him I was upset, but I (without thinking) assumed they would understand my frustration and have a little empathy since it was their system that failed. I said "Where the Hell is the 2A Connector? This is two times I have tried to catch it at Lake Park and it has not shown up." Mr. Smith indignantly responded that if I continued to curse at him he would hang up. I remained frustrated but used no more language that might offend sensitivities. He made no attempt to empathize, understand, or calm me, but instead chose to fight fire with fire (which, by the way, seldom works). I told him I was now walking to Central (the transit offices) and would like to see a manager. He said she was there and he hung up on me while I was still talking.

I said the word "Hell" in the context of a commonly used phrase. Come on... Does he or do any of us hang up on friends when they use a bad word? Do we admonish people using bad language in public? Do we never get frustrated ourselves and use bad language? And perhaps most importantly, do your bus drivers kick people off the bus for bad language? As a long-time bus rider, I can answer the last question, and I think you can too. Please note that I am saying 'bad' language not 'offensive' because for the most part and in moderation 'bad' language does not offend me, and I am not asking your bus drivers to kick people off the bus for using it. But you cannot have a policy to dismiss some customers (by hanging up on me) for the use of the single word 'Hell' and not carry that policy over to other customers for the more frequent use of a variety of other creative (and at times, entertaining) profanities. I believe the truth to be that Mr. Smith simply did not want to deal with an angry customer so he hid behind that single word.

I was not swearing at Mr. Smith. I don't know Mr. Smith. And I believe to take something personally you must personally know the offending party. To me Mr. Smith was 'The City', and I was upset with the city for twice telling me I could catch a bus at a certain place, at a certain time, and not delivering on that promise.

I also have to say that I do not blame Mr. Smith; he should not become a scapegoat or be thrown under the bus. I again blame the City and its management for not properly training Customer Service Agents on how to deal with complaints. I agree that no one should be subjected to someone cussing a blue streak or threatening violence. That was not the case. I was upset and loud, but I was rational and I had a legitimate complaint. You should train your people to recognize the difference and listen more to what is being said, ignoring (as best as possible) how it is being said. His response should have been, "I understand you are frustrated and I want to help, so if you can please calmly explain the situation, we will work at resolving it." If I would have heard that, I could have skipped most of these last four paragraphs and went directly to my thoughts below.

Upon arrival at Central on August 19th I spoke to Ashley. We agreed to disagree on a couple of points, she was truthful and said that under current circumstance she could not reassure me that this same thing would not happen tomorrow morning when I will try for a third time to catch that bus, and I figured out that she does appear to care about the performance of her responsibilities and taking care of her customers. Since she does care I can only guess that the challenges keeping her from doing so revolve around people, planning, and bureaucracy.

1. You need more people and more dependable people.
2. Since the Connectors are your two key routes, you need to figure out how to ensure they have drivers. Apparently one of the problems on at least two of the eight days in this span (August 12th and August 19th) was that substitute drivers had been assigned to other routes before management knew that a Connector driver was not coming. Ashley suggested that if the starting times for the Connector routes were moved back, that would help to avoid this (software?) human glitch.
3. Bureaucratic shackles restricting Ashley from performing efficiently, must be removed. Are there budget constraints? Hiring restrictions? Hiring priorities? Does a central HR (if there is a central HR) understand the sense of urgency? Is there someone in an Ivory Tower dictating red tape? Have you ever ridden your buses? Have you ever waited an hour for a bus that was supposed to arrive in 15 minutes? Quite frankly, I DON'T CARE how you answer these questions. I just want to see my bus arrive on time tomorrow morning. If it does not, I promise you will know.

END OF EMAIL

If someone fails to deliver on a promise, they should be held accountable; and though that may involve some short-term unpleasantness or pain, I believe it ultimately does more good than harm.

If someone has a personal belief (or an organization has a policy) that they keep in a drawer and determine implementation based on an avoidance of discomfort or pain, the inconsistency will thwart learning and stunt growth.

If Happiness is (as I maintain throughout this site) one's search for Truth and Wisdom, then any effort (regardless of delivery) to encourage empathy, compassion, and a shared responsibility also has the potential to advance a communal Happiness.

If one is in a role as a representative of an organization, one should conduct themselves as such by diluting personal ego with a degree of professional pride and accomplishment appropriate to the circumstance.

There are situations that make it difficult to rise above one's Humanity. I believe there are also circumstances that may require a certain 'passion' (code for anger) to first get someone's attention before calmer discussion can take place. I know that I use this reasoning much more frequently than I should, but I believe in this circumstance - in the moment - it was necessary. Some would argue, claiming that this is not consistent with my previous encouragements for 'Compassion for the Oblivious' (Here). I disagree. As we progress from 'Compassion for the Oblivious' to a 'Communal Responsibility' I believe this sharing requires (even demands) that we hold each other accountable for undelivered promises and inconsistent thought.

As I write these words it is 6:36am on August 21st and I have been on the bus for 7 minutes. Yesterday I received two responses to my email with reassurances of investigation and resolution, and promises of follow-up.

Perhaps you 'can' fight City Hall - We will see...

This feels like a short post but it is important in that it reflects my thought process leading to a decision that will significantly change my day-to-day circumstance.

NOTES:

• Option 1: Don't Quit.
• Option 2: Quit.

If I choose Option 1:

1. I am not being truthful with others.
2. Others may be harmed by my actions; (I do not want to negatively impact others).
3. I will continue to feel under-utilized and at times accommodated (or even demeaned), possibly leading to a growing resentment. I recognize these feelings as prideful, but I'm not certain I can consistently rise above them.
4. I am not walking my talk.
5. I am playing it safe.

If I choose Option 2:

1. I am being truthful with others.
2. If there is harm it will likely be short term; to think otherwise would be prideful. (The reality is that the others that may be harmed do not include family or lifelong friends; and any potential harm is not overt or intentional, and it is not physical harm.)
3. I will likely continue to feel under-utilized because that appears to be my natural state on many paths, but resentment will be potentially curbed, at least for a time.
4. I am standing on my principles of Goodness and Productive / Efficient Creativity.
5. I may be personally harmed - (from currently simmering in the frying pan to rolled in breading and tossed into the deep fryer); or I may personally benefit - (frying pan to renewable resource); or I may continue to simmer, just in a different frying pan.

FURTHER NOTES:

• Option 2A: Flexible Notice that I am seeking another job and will leave on a mutually agreeable future date.
• Option 2B: Two Weeks Notice upon obtaining another job.

If I choose Option 2A:

• I am being completely open and truthful.

If I choose Option 2B:

• I am being selfish; or (in a kinder light) I am practicing self-preservation in order to increase the potential likelihood of becoming a renewable resource.

END OF NOTES

It is an altogether pleasant morning. Not hot enough for my liking but most would say it is agreeable. I am relaxed, my hands are trembling, there's a freight train bearing down on me, and for the moment all is good. I am smiling.

It is a good time to objectively consider all the relevant entanglements impacting a looming decision.

At first I thought the choice between Option 1 and Option 2 was a choice that would require me to compromise one of two principles; the principles being (1) Do No Harm, and (2) Promoting Productive / Efficient Creativity. After thinking it through and studying the subsequent notes above, I have discovered that the harm will be short term and any pain (if there is any pain) may actually work toward the second principle. What the choice really boils down to is me playing it safe vs. me taking principled action. When I look at it in these (objectively truthful) terms it is obvious (at least to me) which one I 'should' choose, yet my humanity demands a respect for fear of the unknown.

I have recognized and acknowledged the fear, but because these circumstances do not appear to involve any physical or long-lasting harm, I believe I will choose Option 2.

This creates another looming decision.

After again thinking it through and reviewing my 'further notes' (also above), this choice between Option 2A and Option 2B appears to be a question of 'being open and truthful' vs. 'selfishness' or (in a kinder light) 'self-preservation'. Being open and truthful wins out over selfishness, but if self-preservation truly increases a likelihood of creating a renewable resource situation (as opposed to simple short-term sustenance), then I need to consider this option. If I opt to see Option 2B as self-preservation, then I need to gauge this actual likelihood; and based on the past (which is supposed to be a good predictor of the future) I would put that likelihood at approximately 10 to 20 percent.

So now I have to judge if (even a) 20% chance of becoming a renewable resource is worth compromising my need to be open and truthful with others; and when I see it in these terms, the principle of truthfulness wins out. I will choose Option 2A.

Thank you for listening.

In this past week I have been pleasantly surprised with some new discoveries:

1. I discovered that finely crushed cheese snack crackers add a nice bite to meatloaf.
2. I discovered that after my pork tenderloin has marinated for several hours in a marinade of teriyaki, cider vinegar, ginger, garlic, margarita mix, and mustard, I can add onions, tomato sauce, honey, and pepper jelly to the marinade to create a great sauce for the pork and the accompanying rice.
3. I discovered a fascinating documentary from 1999 called 'Under the Covers' all about two guys (a photographer and an artist) who formed a partnership in the 60's and 70's creating album covers.

These discoveries are notable due to the intensity of the surprise. I was not expecting much from the cheese crackers in the meatloaf or the pepper jelly in the pork sauce; (I was out of panko bread crumbs and orange marmalade and just substituted what was handy), but Wow! And the dvd documentary, I had picked up from a local used record shop for $1.99 about six months ago mainly because I thought it was a bargain, (obviously also not expecting much), and again, Wow! This last discovery led me back to my personal collection of albums and album covers for further rediscoveries.

Now I am sitting here with my iced tea on a Monday morning looking forward to what surprises may come my way this week. Because I was rewarded this past week with some simple surprises I am now involuntarily more hopeful that I will be rewarded again this coming week.

I see 3 factors at work here: (1) Expectations; (2) Creativity; and (3) Surprise. Some thoughts:

• If I expect too little, I am afraid that will result in dormancy.
• If I expect too much, I know I will be disappointed.
• I would rather expect too much because, despite the disappointment, I believe an actively hopeful mindset is more likely to lead to creativity.
• Delusional thought from expecting too much can be harmful if excessive, but a moderate amount may be necessary and helpful toward creativity and one's sanity. For example, a reasonable amount of thinking one is better off and even thinking one is better is a modern defense that can encourage and protect, allowing for continued learning and growth. It must be tempered though with an active humility. ('Active Humility' was previously defined and discussed in this post followed the next week by this post.)
• I don't believe 'realistic' expectations are possible in the sense that reality changes with every moment and I don't believe we can keep up. But though we may not be able to realign our expectations with each new moment, I do believe we can learn to learn from disappointment and move on; and in this sense our expectations appear realistic in that we continue to function despite the disappointment.
• I would define functional creativity as (a) being alert for and attentive to ALL possibilities, (b) making choices outside one's comfort zone, (c) translating thought into action, (d) evaluating results, (e) utilizing the new knowledge consistent with one's character, and then (f) starting the process again.
• Is a lack of expectation different from expecting too little? I have been going back and forth on this and (for now) I believe it depends on if 'a lack of expectation' is due to laziness or legitimate prioritizing.
• If I expect surprises they won't be as surprising. Surprises are best when they take you by surprise; and though obvious, I must remind myself of this so I do not confuse surprise and gratitude. I believe some of the best surprises are a result of functional creativity as defined above.

Crushed crackers, pepper jelly, and album covers... ...Who'd have thought?

Imagine being married to someone who has every refrigerator / cupboard shelf and drawer in your kitchen labeled and slotted for exactly one week's groceries; and specific percentages of the total are assigned to each food category allowed: meat, vegetables, starch / grains, breakfast foods, and drinks. Dessert is not allowed, and between-meal snacking must be minimal and surreptitious.

On Friday you are expected to have at least 98% of all space filled for utilization throughout the coming week. If you have more than 2% open spaces on Friday you are subject to tirades and interrogation. If your open spaces equate to less than 2% but more than 0% you can expect some questions and heavy sighs. Here's how it works:

1. You are allotted no more than 30 minutes shopping time in the grocery store. The clock starts when you enter and stops after checkout as you are exiting the front doors of the store.
2. You have a strict budget.
3. You hate grocery shopping, and you would still dislike it even if there were no rules.
4. Throughout the week you are expected to make numerous, brief exploratory excursions into the grocery store. These reconnaissance missions are required more frequently as new items are introduced and stocked on the grocery store shelves. Even when your shelves at home are full and you are too lazy to or don't see the sense in cleaning out your cupboard, and/or you know you will be unable to afford the new items, you are still expected to evaluate every new item without exception.
5. Throughout the week, if you have any waste (i.e. you do not clean your plate) you must fill out a questionnaire explaining the reason for the disuse and, especially if the extravagance is frequent, you may be subject to further questioning as to the nature of your shopping strategy.
6. Throughout the week you frequently lament the fact that your diet invariably consists of generic Lucky Charms for breakfast, bologna and plain chips for lunch, and some formulation of canned tuna, canned green beans, and plain rice or potatoes for dinner.
7. Occasionally as you rush through the store you come across an endcap with a sale item that allows for an upgrade. These upgrades are usually brief as you tend to use up these scarce resources much more quickly.
8. Your spouse is not required to subsist on the same diet as you, and in fact is frequently absent at meal-times. Additionally, your spouse frequently puzzles over why you insist on the same foods week after week, though as long as you perform all of your required spousely duties there is no real attempt to understand or assist.

And this is the system in place for one of the most important processes (if not THE most important process) critical to your sustenance, enjoyment, and growth.

I am considering a divorce.