hopelesshappiness.com

In this past week I have been pleasantly surprised with some new discoveries:

1. I discovered that finely crushed cheese snack crackers add a nice bite to meatloaf.
2. I discovered that after my pork tenderloin has marinated for several hours in a marinade of teriyaki, cider vinegar, ginger, garlic, margarita mix, and mustard, I can add onions, tomato sauce, honey, and pepper jelly to the marinade to create a great sauce for the pork and the accompanying rice.
3. I discovered a fascinating documentary from 1999 called 'Under the Covers' all about two guys (a photographer and an artist) who formed a partnership in the 60's and 70's creating album covers.

These discoveries are notable due to the intensity of the surprise. I was not expecting much from the cheese crackers in the meatloaf or the pepper jelly in the pork sauce; (I was out of panko bread crumbs and orange marmalade and just substituted what was handy), but Wow! And the dvd documentary, I had picked up from a local used record shop for $1.99 about six months ago mainly because I thought it was a bargain, (obviously also not expecting much), and again, Wow! This last discovery led me back to my personal collection of albums and album covers for further rediscoveries.

Now I am sitting here with my iced tea on a Monday morning looking forward to what surprises may come my way this week. Because I was rewarded this past week with some simple surprises I am now involuntarily more hopeful that I will be rewarded again this coming week.

I see 3 factors at work here: (1) Expectations; (2) Creativity; and (3) Surprise. Some thoughts:

• If I expect too little, I am afraid that will result in dormancy.
• If I expect too much, I know I will be disappointed.
• I would rather expect too much because, despite the disappointment, I believe an actively hopeful mindset is more likely to lead to creativity.
• Delusional thought from expecting too much can be harmful if excessive, but a moderate amount may be necessary and helpful toward creativity and one's sanity. For example, a reasonable amount of thinking one is better off and even thinking one is better is a modern defense that can encourage and protect, allowing for continued learning and growth. It must be tempered though with an active humility. ('Active Humility' was previously defined and discussed in this post followed the next week by this post.)
• I don't believe 'realistic' expectations are possible in the sense that reality changes with every moment and I don't believe we can keep up. But though we may not be able to realign our expectations with each new moment, I do believe we can learn to learn from disappointment and move on; and in this sense our expectations appear realistic in that we continue to function despite the disappointment.
• I would define functional creativity as (a) being alert for and attentive to ALL possibilities, (b) making choices outside one's comfort zone, (c) translating thought into action, (d) evaluating results, (e) utilizing the new knowledge consistent with one's character, and then (f) starting the process again.
• Is a lack of expectation different from expecting too little? I have been going back and forth on this and (for now) I believe it depends on if 'a lack of expectation' is due to laziness or legitimate prioritizing.
• If I expect surprises they won't be as surprising. Surprises are best when they take you by surprise; and though obvious, I must remind myself of this so I do not confuse surprise and gratitude. I believe some of the best surprises are a result of functional creativity as defined above.

Crushed crackers, pepper jelly, and album covers... ...Who'd have thought?

Imagine being married to someone who has every refrigerator / cupboard shelf and drawer in your kitchen labeled and slotted for exactly one week's groceries; and specific percentages of the total are assigned to each food category allowed: meat, vegetables, starch / grains, breakfast foods, and drinks. Dessert is not allowed, and between-meal snacking must be minimal and surreptitious.

On Friday you are expected to have at least 98% of all space filled for utilization throughout the coming week. If you have more than 2% open spaces on Friday you are subject to tirades and interrogation. If your open spaces equate to less than 2% but more than 0% you can expect some questions and heavy sighs. Here's how it works:

1. You are allotted no more than 30 minutes shopping time in the grocery store. The clock starts when you enter and stops after checkout as you are exiting the front doors of the store.
2. You have a strict budget.
3. You hate grocery shopping, and you would still dislike it even if there were no rules.
4. Throughout the week you are expected to make numerous, brief exploratory excursions into the grocery store. These reconnaissance missions are required more frequently as new items are introduced and stocked on the grocery store shelves. Even when your shelves at home are full and you are too lazy to or don't see the sense in cleaning out your cupboard, and/or you know you will be unable to afford the new items, you are still expected to evaluate every new item without exception.
5. Throughout the week, if you have any waste (i.e. you do not clean your plate) you must fill out a questionnaire explaining the reason for the disuse and, especially if the extravagance is frequent, you may be subject to further questioning as to the nature of your shopping strategy.
6. Throughout the week you frequently lament the fact that your diet invariably consists of generic Lucky Charms for breakfast, bologna and plain chips for lunch, and some formulation of canned tuna, canned green beans, and plain rice or potatoes for dinner.
7. Occasionally as you rush through the store you come across an endcap with a sale item that allows for an upgrade. These upgrades are usually brief as you tend to use up these scarce resources much more quickly.
8. Your spouse is not required to subsist on the same diet as you, and in fact is frequently absent at meal-times. Additionally, your spouse frequently puzzles over why you insist on the same foods week after week, though as long as you perform all of your required spousely duties there is no real attempt to understand or assist.

And this is the system in place for one of the most important processes (if not THE most important process) critical to your sustenance, enjoyment, and growth.

I am considering a divorce.

--"911; what is your emergency?"

--"I've had some bad thoughts. I'm afraid."

--"Sir, could I have your name and location?"

--"No. I don't want to be hasty or reckless."

--"Sir, is there a crime in progress."

--"To this point no laws have been broken."

--"We are unable to ID your phone number or location. Please state the nature of your emergency."

--"I told you, there is no emergency; but I am afraid. I had those dreams again last night."

--"Okay sir. I'm trying to understand. Can you tell me if anyone is there with you?"

--"There are others nearby."

--"Is anyone in danger?"

--"I don't think so. No immediate danger. Everyone looks okay. Everyone appears calm. ...just going about their business."

--"In that case, if it's okay, I'm going to let you talk to someone else. Will you hold on for just a moment while I get Sara on the line."

--"I don't want to be swept under a rug! And I don't want to be treated like a nut!"

--"No sir. I understand that, and I won't transfer you if you don't want me to. It's just that I'm supposed to answer emergency calls like when someone's hurt or in immediate danger. It's Sara's job to listen as long as you need her to. But it's completely up to you."

--"And if I don't like Sara, can she transfer me back to you?"

--"Absolutely. My name's Ben and I'm not going anywhere."

--"Okay; go ahead. But it better not be more than a minute."

--"I promise; and thank you. I think you'll like Sara."

... ... ... ...

--"Hello, this is Sara. Can you tell me your name?"

--"No... ...but you can call me John."

--"Okay John. From what Ben told me, you might be upset and you said you were afraid. Can you tell me what you are afraid of?"

--"You know what I'm afraid of, and I also told Ben that I didn't want to be treated like a nut; so watch the tone."

--"You're right John, and I'm sorry; but until I understand a little more, I typically tread lightly."

--"I understand that. I guess you never know who you're dealing with."

--"That's so true John. My first impression of you though is that you're a straight shooter. It sounds like you'd prefer honesty, even if it hurts, over being patronized. Am I wrong?"

--"No Sara, you're right on the money. I'm much less likely to get pissed if you tell me how you see it. I may not always agree, but it's a helluva lot better than feeling used - like someone's running a game on you."

--"So it's okay to respectfully disagree."

--"It's required."

--"Good John. I don't disagree with that. But I'm glad to know I could if I wanted."

--"Like I said... it's required... ...sounds like you may have a sense of humor. That's rare these days. Most people seem to appreciate subtle, sarcastic humor, but many are too superficial to express it well."

--"I'm not sure I understand."

--"See... ...that's perfect. It's like most people don't seem to want to connect or don't know how; they just want to advance their agenda, which usually isn't even their agenda, but somebody else's; and what they don't get is that all these agendas don't really belong to anybody, but to everybody."

--"So you're saying that we're all collectively responsible for everything that happens; all the connections and disconnects."

--"Exactly! Most people don't see that."

--"So if we're all responsible, does that include you John?"

--"Of course it does. I am no more and no less important and every bit as responsible as any other individual."

--"Are you alone John?"

--"Well, no one can hear our conversation if that's what you mean."

--"So there are others nearby. And as we said earlier I can be honest, so I've got to tell you I'm concerned about the people around you."

--"Well Sara, when I first called I was too; just a little. Sometimes the anger... ... ... ...well anyway, you don't need to worry now. I do get worked up in my head sometimes and I don't have a lot of patience for stupidity, but I also usually calm down fairly quickly and realize that what I see as stupidity is really just obliviousness. And, I'm sure many people see me as stupid or oblivious as well. I see myself that way in certain situations. But you can't get mad at people for being human."

--"No we shouldn't; but sometimes it's hard not to. So now that we've determined everyone else is okay, what can I do to help you John?"

--"Do you know how tough it is... ...how demeaning it can be to ask for help? I think back to times when someone has come to me for help and I know I sounded patronizing and judgmental, and now that I ask for help... ...well, maybe it's just payback - what goes around comes around. Do you believe in that?"

--"I don't know John. I actually have thought about that quite a bit and while I sometimes like the idea of retribution and justice, I'm not sure that's even how it should work. I mean, sometimes I think I'd rather live the pain than to be oblivious, and I think some people are more prone to pain while others are just more naturally attuned to being oblivious. Maybe ignorance is bliss, but it's also still ignorance."

--"Well put. But I'm not sure that addresses whether it's better to share the pain and open yourself to judgment or ridicule, or if it's better to hold it in and work yourself up to a frenzy of anger and other emotions."

--"I guess that partially depends on who you have to share with; but I think sometimes we get into a state where we have to share with someone; even anyone; like you're doing here with me, now."

--"Hmm."

--"Tell me this John - you mentioned other emotions; if you can work yourself up to a frenzy of anger, do you ever work yourself up to a frenzy of any positive emotions?"

--"Yes, yes I do! Lately I've been watching other people closely and thinking a lot about some who I felt have done me wrong in the past and I am getting closer all the time to real compassion. Of course I will never perfect it, but the forced exercise of seeing through their eyes really helps me to understand their actions and to know that there is an immensity of factors that have impact on decisions; and one of those factors is me. And so how can I be upset with someone for a circumstance that I helped to create? And I realize there will never be a circumstance that I am a part of that I didn't impact in some way."

--"I like your thinking John."

--"The unfortunate part is that when I do work myself into a frenzy of positivity or goodness, I can share those emotions through actions and behaviors if not verbalization; but just like my dreams, most people don't want to hear negativity or pain."

--"So John, tell me about your dreams."

--"What's to tell? I hurt people."

--"Do you just hurt them? Or worse?"

--"Both. Sometimes I just want them to leave me be and so I'm just trying to hurt them, and sometimes I try to kill them but I'm not always successful; but sometimes I am."

--"Are they strangers or people you know?"

--"Strangers. Or at least I come out of the dreams not knowing; I can't put a face to any of them; I just remember the acts."

--"Do you think these dreams are normal and okay?"

--"I don't know about normal because I never hear anyone else talk about their 'killing' dreams, but then I don't suppose most people would. As for okay, I think that's irrelevant. They just are. I mean, they're honest; and I'm being honest about them. Somehow I think it would be worse to suppress them, don't you? It all sounds very Freudian..."

--"I don't know John. Unfortunately I'm not a dream expert. But as I said before, I agree with the honesty part. I think some of the worst monsters walk around wearing a smiley-face mask."

--"Ben was right. I do like you Sara. Your job is to listen, and you do that well, but you also contribute and make me think. So let me ask you a question."

--"Okay."

--"Are there degrees of bad, like gray areas, or is it all black and white? And I'm not talking about choosing between the lesser of two evils because I believe that is too often a justification and if we just took the time to think further outside the box we could avoid both evils. Here I am talking about the progression from feeling to thinking to acting to learning to absorbing and embracing. Since we are all human I know we all feel certain things that society or certain segments of society deem as 'bad' and then if we spend time thinking about those things is that worse? And then if we act on them? And then if they become habitual, and/or we incorporate them into our character? I mean, how do you know where to stop? By the time we absorb and embrace these 'bad' things, I suspect we no longer see them as bad."

--"Interesting. I agree that we all feel certain things that if acted upon would be bad. So I don't think feeling these things is bad, but I can see how thinking about them can be considered a gray area. As long as our thoughts did not turn into actions though, how can that be bad? Yet if we didn't think about them at all how could they possibly turn into actions? yet again, how can we control thoughts of others? And if they are free to think, why shouldn't I be free to think? And, I believe it is good to be truthful with oneself. And I also believe it is valuable to be free to express one's thoughts; to a point. So without turning this into Constitutional Law 101, I see your point that the further one travels along this progression the foggier it gets."

--"Yes! Until you absorb the light of indoctrination and no longer see what you once considered bad, as bad. It has become a part of you, so it must be okay."

--"Yes. I can see that. And I think a good example of that is usury. Did you know that some dictionaries still define any loan with any interest as usury? But now, look at us."

--"So Sara, are we saying that all progress and change is bad?"

--"No; not at all. Some progress advances Goodness, and to reflect this I would respectfully suggest that you amend your progression to include 'the light of learning and growth' alongside 'the light of indoctrination'. And I would consider the highest guiding principle for differentiating the two to be Do No Harm; and I believe untruthfulness to be harmful."

--"Good points. But how can we totally avoid harm?"

--"We can't. But we can progress in that direction by first doing no physical harm and then considering potential emotional, intellectual, and spiritual harm."

--"Wow. You've really thought this through."

--"I've had the advantage of talking to numerous thinkers, like yourself John."

--"And you have given me a lot to think about. I am now more confident that I will continue to successfully ride herd on my emotions. After all, I have had success with my anger."

--"And exactly how do you keep that anger in check?"

--"By not keeping it in check. I uncage it to wreak whatever havoc it might, to see how monstrous it can be; I watch it; I learn from it; I embrace it. I do this with many emotions, both positive and negative."

--"I'll be honest John; you're scaring me a little. That's never been a danger to yourself, or others?"

--"No."

--"And how can that be?"

--"Because I release it into these imaginary conversations... ...and so far, even in these imaginings, (which by the way are usually more honest and real than so-called reality), I have never hurt anyone and I always come back stronger. By separating and listening to all the voices, I always react more rationally. Thank you again Sara. You've helped me and I'm not as afraid now."

--"Any time John - Any time."

• Today is the 34th anniversary of the day I married. I am still married. I am still married to the same woman. While it may not significantly change the world, it is notable; and meaningful; and rewarding.


• "Listen carefully to fire's soft babble, its Tourette's cracks and sparks. Listen carefully: Fire speaks in tongues." -from 'Talulla Rising' by Glen Duncan.


• The accumulation of financial wealth as a Lifelong pursuit appears to me to be a sad and ludicrous expenditure of a Life.


• All confidence is over-confidence.


• Hard work for the sake of hard work is worthwhile and more desirable than sloth, but if that hard work is directly tied to learning, growth, exoteric goodness, inner peace, and/or global tranquility the value is multiplied exponentially. If I find that my hard work is (even inadvertently) contributing to harm, how do I weigh evils to determine the lesser thereof?


• "Got my Mojo working, but it just won't work on you." - Muddy Waters.


• If Compassion is meant to help in overcoming problems and as an aid in the alleviation of suffering then I must first have self-compassion so I am better equipped to help others. When guiding compassionate thoughts, words, and deeds toward others, any disapproval or constructive criticism must be (1) gentle and (2) asked for (or not verbalized); this should then be followed by a sincerely human wish to ease their suffering, and an active acknowledgment that I may be misguided.


• I must choose - the ethereal solidity of baseball or the potential for inner eloquence.


• Imagine a 'spectrum of religiosity' from 0 to 10 (in which the numbers are positions only and do not signify rankings) where 0 is no certainty and no unmoved mover or first cause, and 10 is an all-seeing, all-knowing, caring, benevolent God. Now put yourself on that spectrum; (you are not allowed to choose 5).


• Who cares?


• Yesterday we played our 999th game of Scrabble since May 9, 2004. In this 10 years, 2 months, and 17 days she has won 496 to my 494. We have tied 9 times. Interestingly we have never tied in an odd numbered year, though we have played 488 (49%) of our games in odd numbered years. Our ties have all come in 2006, 2008, 2010, 2012, and 2014. How often do we come across a strange fact that is not odd?


• Is money the root of all bureaucracy?


• Gibberish - An interesting word. Some would say I have been spouting weekly gibberish here, for the past three years; (some might say I have been spouting gibberish my entire Life). Gibberish is in the ear of the beholder; and if I am spouting it, surely it is not gibberish - Right?


• Why would one choose the superficiality of looking good over the profundity of being good?


• Imagine a 'spectrum of spiritual disagreement' from 0 to 10 (in which the numbers are positions only and do not signify rankings) where 0 is a desire for violent retribution toward those who disagree, and 10 is a desire to 'Do No Harm' regardless of position or belief. Now put yourself on that spectrum; (you are not allowed to choose 5).


• Does it matter who cares?


• Teams Win! You hear it a lot as a motivational slogan especially (it seems) in the workplace. I would agree. Teams Do Win. My question is - what do they win and for whom? - Because it often seems that my reward is higher expectations and less meaningful work.


• To some it is a garbanzo bean; to others, a chickpea.


• The empirical actions of one individual sentient being (as particle) in the context of all Humanity (as wave) cannot be predicted with any high degree of certainty. This uncertainty can be mitigated (thus increasing the potential for Exoteric Goodness and Compassion) if greater numbers of individual sentient beings could find common ground in a single transcendental wavelength. I believe Heisenberg would agree.


• Do you ever mistake being persistently glib for being ahead of your time? Or for being astute? Insightful? Thoughtful? Yet to translate meaning into the spoken or written word, and to do it well, is by definition being glib. It appears that to communicate meaningfully and to be taken seriously, one must resort to acts of Compassion. Regardless, I will continue to talk to myself.


• Happiness Review: lower-case happiness is everyday cheerfulness / satisfaction; upper-case Happiness is one's Lifelong search for Truth and Wisdom; to Live Life is to seek happiness and/or Happiness according to one's personal interpretation; to Live Life to the fullest requires one to search for Truth and Wisdom; one's search for Truth and Wisdom will advance learning and growth, as well as uncertainty and doubt; to Live Life to the fullest is an empowered cry for Help; to live life with certainty and confidence is a silent scream of quiescent angst.


• For many it is difficult to choose between 'religious devotion' and 'Do No Harm'.


• In the 1960's we saw widespread passion and indignation brought about as a result of the twin pressures of the war and civil rights. Will we ever see an epidemic of serious thought again? Or are we too busy shopping?


• "I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more." - Bob Dylan.

To live Life in a free fall of uncertainty and doubt can be terrifying and/or exhilarating.

To float through Life harnessed safely to a parachute can be breathtakingly beautiful, unpredictably bumpy, mindfully thought provoking, and/or redundant.

To fly through Life in the comfort of a well-stocked jumbo jet full of like-minded cohorts is delusional.

Ultimately, we must all hit the ground; and even from the jumbo jet, we will each disembark alone.

A danger in thinking that something is meaningful lies in the unspoken (and often unrecognized) acknowledgment that it may as easily be meaningless. This is a double-edged sword: dangerous in that the spoken acknowledgment and conscious recognition can discourage and even incapacitate, yet at the same time valuable in that it has the potential to improve and refine selection criteria, and (once prioritized) this active acceptance of possible meaninglessness can make the meaningful more meaningful.

Many people choose (consciously or otherwise) to avoid the danger by either conforming to a majority opinion of what is meaningful, or by selecting priorities based on an immediate sense of urgency - (i.e. low-hanging fruit or busywork).
NOTE - The majority in 'a majority opinion' may not be an actual majority but rather a vocal majority or even simply a majority of those in one's inner circle.

When I look for meaning, in many ways, my granddaughter's smile is a good and fair representation of all that is personally meaningful. My greatest fear is that all is meaningless. Blaise Pascal said:

"When I consider the short duration of my life, swallowed up in the eternity before and after the little space that I fill, and even can see, engulfed in the infinite immensity of spaces of which I am ignorant, and which know me not, I am frightened, and am astonished at being here rather than there; why now rather than then. Who has put me here? By whose order and direction have this place and time been allotted to me?"

I find that when I actively and respectfully focus on this fear (and other fears), my granddaughter's smile becomes more brilliant - more intense - more meaningful. In fear, I find Life.

On a pleasant summer evening in 1686, while strolling through a garden and pondering the nature of the Universe as seen in the clear night sky, Bernard De Fontenelle said, "All philosophy is based on two things only: curiosity and poor eyesight." This thought is applicable to many different settings from the comfort of a well-stocked jumbo jet quashing curiosity and limiting vision, to the exhilaration of uncertainty and doubt exciting curiosity and sharpening vision. This thought is also circular. Curiosity expands horizons creating a wider field of vision which encourages more sophisticated observation, in turn producing more questions than answers, once again piquing one's curiosity. More sophisticated observation demands new and improved observational tools. When first introduced, the microscope and the telescope drastically changed the way we see the Universe and our place in it - both empirically and philosophically.

I need a microscope to better see and understand my inner self, and I need a telescope to better see and understand all of Humanity; all in search of inner peace and global tranquility.

My telescope may be 'Free Floating Circular Compassion' as introduced in this post two weeks ago, and as a progressive result of my thoughts on compassion in the three preceding posts. This week I would like to examine 'Free Falling Focused Fear' to determine its potential viability as my microscope.

Perhaps it is true that very early man's search for meaning revolved around survival and their search for food; but perhaps it is also true that in those (rare?) moments of relative safety when hunger was satisfied, individuals also stared at the night sky and pondered the nature of the Universe as De Fontenelle did in 1686. And it is this pondering curiosity and historically poor eyesight that has brought Humanity to this point where our empirical eyesight and curiosity continue to evolve, but our spiritual vision is blurred and confused because our transcendental curiosity is still playing in the sandbox, or in the mud, or in the kiddie pool, or with the Ouija Board, or...

In multiple previous posts I have encouraged a less divisive, more communal, and (Yes) more evolved spirituality. Consider the following questions:

• Which is more important: a meaningful Life or an eternal afterlife?
• Even if a meaningful Life is a prerequisite for an eternal afterlife shouldn't we just live a meaningful Life for the sake of living a meaningful Life?
• Are we more afraid of meaninglessness in Life, or are we more afraid of meaninglessness because we are afraid of a possible nothingness in Death?
• Can a Life have meaning regardless of what Death brings?
• Does the prospect of an eternal afterlife encourage and enhance Goodness, or does it promote and perpetuate divisiveness?
• Do we really need the threat of Hell Fire and Damnation to be Good, or have we evolved - (or when will we evolve) - as a species to where we understand the mutual benefits of global Goodness?

Earlier in this post I said, "My greatest fear is that all is meaningless." I then identified the smile of my beautiful granddaughter as a good and fair representation of that which is personally meaningful to me in this Life. So now I am asking myself, how can there be meaning as typified in this two year old smile, if all is meaningless? The answer of course, is that all does not have to be meaningless. This Life can be full of meaning, or, depending on circumstance and one's personal outlook, it can appear meaningless. Either way, I should not confuse my fear of Death with meaninglessness.

What I have done above is to focus my free falling fear in order to examine, amplify, dissect, and better understand my inner self. I can impact my impact in this Life and steer it toward Exoteric Goodness, but if there is no God I cannot create a God from nothingness, nor can I annihilate an existent eternal afterlife or cast it into the oblivion of nothingness if there is no nothingness. I can only impart Compassion and work toward Goodness, Peace, and Tranquility on this empirical plane, in this Life.

This Free Falling Fear employed as a microscope is meant to focus on ever-smaller components of my inner self, eliminating overlap. In this case my focus originally encompassed two components - (1) fear of Death and (2) fear of meaninglessness - creating a blurry, confused vision that in turn inhibited understanding and progress. So in this case, it worked. I narrowed and sharpened my vision and by doing so I recovered meaning in Life, I have (for the moment) recognized the futility of fearing Death, and I better appreciate efforts toward Goodness.

Compassion can expand horizons. For Compassion to do this work I must consistently remind myself of the equality of suffering, and persistently, thoughtfully act on this knowledge as encouraged in this aforementioned post.

Fear can identify, focus, and amplify personal meaning. For Fear to do this work I must first allow it to free fall unimpeded into my consciousness, and then grab hold, hang on, and see where it takes me. If I am able to hang on, it will most likely slice and dice its way to my core potentially exposing a heretofore unknown essence.

Compassion and Fear can also aid in the evolution of my transcendental curiosity by focusing on a practical, global application of personal spirituality.

One can choose to Live Life in a Free Fall, Float through Life, or Fly through Life; and one can choose to switch modes of migration to fit a circumstance. But regardless of transport method, one can still utilize Compassion as personal telescope (even on a jumbo jet there are small windows and a cockpit that can expand vision) and Fear as personal microscope all in search of Global Tranquility and Inner Peace.