hopelesshappiness.com

I am held hostage by my ego.
I am held hostage by your ego.

I am held hostage by rules I did not agree to.
I am held hostage by courtesy.
I am held hostage by pain.
I am held hostage by trust.
I am held hostage by Beauty.
I am held hostage by dreams.
I am held hostage by government.
I am held hostage by corruption.
I am held hostage by silence.
I am held hostage by security.
I am held hostage by solitude.
I am held hostage by quiescence.
I am held hostage by Justice.
I am held hostage by social convention.
I am held hostage by disingenuous conflict.
I am held hostage by addiction.
I am held hostage by God.
I am held hostage by reason.
I am held hostage by Starbucks.
I am held hostage by insufficient funds.
I am held hostage by regret.
I am held hostage by advertisers.
I am held hostage by Truth.
I am held hostage by truth.
I am held hostage by rejection.
I am held hostage by certainty.
I am held hostage by religion.
I am held hostage by loquaciousness.
I am held hostage by duplicitous manipulation.
I am held hostage by justice.
I am held hostage by consumers.
I am held hostage by loss.
I am held hostage by identity.
I am held hostage by prurience.
I am held hostage by technology.
I am held hostage by ignorance.
I am held hostage by comfort.
I am held hostage by Wisdom.
I am held hostage by seven deadly sins.
I am held hostage by justification.
I am held hostage by mass media.
I am held hostage by disgust.
I am held hostage by food preparation.
I am held hostage by rules I did agree to.
I am held hostage by entertainers.
I am held hostage by peace.
I am held hostage by gravity.
I am held hostage by intrigue.
I am held hostage by incompetence.
I am held hostage by lawn care.
I am held hostage by semantics.
I am held hostage by family.
I am held hostage by absolution.
I am held hostage by Reason.
I am held hostage by Barnes and Noble.
I am held hostage by bureaucracy.

I am held hostage by fear.
I am held hostage by overlapping and histrionic constraints.

I am held hostage by freedom.

I am freed by imagination.

I am Human.
We are Human.

I am Human.

If Congratulations are in order, proceed with caution.

For decades research has shown that we are more satisfied and fulfilled when we feel like we have some control and when there is some balance between effort and rewards. We have found that it also helps if our personal values align with our effort. Yet we often choose to leap from circumstance to circumstance assuming a smooth transition by focusing on the positive potential and not preparing for the inevitable upheaval. As a chosen date approaches, (for a job change or retirement or a relocation or new territory or...), it is often pretty easy to justify by focusing on the difficulties from Circumstance A and the possibilities in Circumstance B. But regardless of the accuracy of this justification, the reality is that connections will be lost. Once a decision is made, I don't recommend encouraging regret or second thoughts by dwelling inordinately on lost connections or positive aspects of Circumstance A, but I do recommend spending some time considering potential challenges surrounding Circumstance B; and not only those challenges endemic and obvious, but also, (and perhaps more importantly), those difficulties that may sneak up and bite you from behind.

Below I want to examine these three factors---1. Control, 2. Balancing effort and rewards, and 3. Personal values---to better understand how they impact (and interact with) change, and how I can better prepare myself for unexpected upheaval.

1. Control:
If there is anything in this world that is certain, it is uncertainty. Change is inevitable and control is often an illusion. Change can be small or large. Change can be straightforward and expected, or change can be complex and cumbersome. And change can bring about some surprising results. With that said, how can I be positively realistic? And how can I feel like I have at least some semblance of control? I have found that I can maintain disciplined expectation by controlling focus and definitions. I define my personal values. I define what is rewarding. And when faced with change, (expected or not), I can choose to focus on any one or more results and build from there. I can choose to not be overwhelmed, by setting aside those effects that are less likely to reward or align; and if some of these factors cannot be ignored, I can choose to focus on handling them efficiently and then set them aside and move on. This active acknowledgement of the limits of my omnipotence prepares me for unexpected results from planned or unplanned change. Focus-Choose-Define-Focus-Control; Start Again.

2. Balancing Effort and Rewards:
Before considering effort, I think it is important to differentiate rewards and values. There are parallels between rewards and values, but there is also a distinct difference. Successful manifestation of a value is rewarding but a value in and of itself is not a reward. A value is an internal expression of desired volitional excellence whereas a reward is more typically an external expression acknowledging effort; (on occasion a reward may be incidental or unrelated to effort, but it is still an external expression). This distinction is important because it helps me to explore and understand what is rewarding by focusing on external tangibles, even if, (and especially if), it makes me uncomfortable. For example, I may not like to admit that I am rewarded by applause after speaking to a group, but if I am, I should acknowledge it (at the very least, to myself). And yes, rewards ultimately translate into feelings, but the reward has moved from the outside in; an exhibited value moves from the inside out.

I call this section "Balancing Effort and Rewards" because I do have a choice. If rewards are not rewarding, I can choose to lessen my efforts. If I supervise others, I have to be aware that they too can make that choice, and realistically I may not have much recourse if they do. My better choice in this instance is to determine what is rewarding for them AND to pay attention to their effort. Extending this thought, I must do the same for myself AND (especially since I claim to value effort over reward) I must be careful to maintain my effort.

It can be difficult to categorize feelings, but by understanding the difference between values and rewards I am perhaps better able to focus on lessening my reliance on rewards thereby creating a more equitable balance. And within this awareness I can also choose to be rewarded by the effort thus constructing a pathway (cleared of ego) that will lead to greater effort. And, as a bonus, I have amplified my feelings of control.

3. Personal Values:
Above, I defined a value as an internal expression of desired volitional excellence; "volitional" because a value should be a springboard. Education is defined as the process of acquiring knowledge. This process, formal or informal, typically includes at least one learner and one teacher, ideally in interchangeable roles. To be a springboard a value must include the process of education. A value that does not include education, (i.e. learning and growth), will never aspire toward excellence. We are all educators. But depending on changing circumstance, we sometimes appear to resist change; though (I would maintain that) in actuality we are resisting growth by clinging to entrenched values that have lost their will to evolve. In this sense all values (as defined above) require education, which in turn demands change. ?So when change threatens to overwhelm, though seemingly counterintuitve, my job is to implement more change by applying a process of education.

As stated above, the process of acquiring knowledge typically includes at least one learner and one teacher though that could conceivably be the same individual; (for example, within this process of written examination and analysis I am both learner and teacher). So if values require education, values must also require a connection with other people. When I consider this claim, I realize that I value people connections more than I am often willing to admit; I believe we all do. I believe self-reliance, though potentially helpful in some circumstance, has taken on mythical proportions that far outweigh its value. I am making the argument that taken together, education and connections with others are two values (if not necessary, at least) critical for competently and confidently handling change.

A consideration of values would not be complete without examining goals. A goal is a guide. It helps me to determine direction which in turn helps me to determine what I value. An extrinsic goal is an owned or possessed tangible, such as a house, a car, or a big bank account. An intrinsic goal is an intangible that is always somewhat ineffable, such as the joy of learning strictly for the sake of learning. My values will change and/or be reprioritized depending upon my goals. Research has shown that we are more satisfied and fulfilled when we pursue intrinsic goals.  As with balancing effort and rewards, this awareness will help in my preparation for change.

SUMMARY
When Faced with Change:

1. Don't become overwhelmed. Focus-Choose-Define-Focus-Control; Start Again.
2. Do the hard work. Identify rewards that resonate and then work to either a) align your efforts with those rewards, b) decrease your reliance on those rewards, or c) change direction.
3. Do the hard work. Identify personal values that resonate. Differentiate extrinsic goals and their resulting values from intrinsic goals and their resulting values. Choose.
4. Learn-Connect-Grow-Connect; Start Again.

In recent weeks I have experienced a frantic sense of urgency that has driven me to think and write with a prolific and powerful frenzy (that feels) recently unmatched. When I expressed this to my wife, she asked if this was a result of (or related to) an impending sense of Doom. ...Maybe. She asked in seriousness, worried, because I have had some heart issues. I had not made a connection before she asked, but because of my heart I am on speaking terms with my mortality; so, maybe this recognition of reality is a motivating factor. I believe that acknowledging my mortality enhances my sense of reality and keeps my ego in check.

Recent personal reading and study has revolved around the effort to discount the ego in order to lessen depression, anxiety and unhappiness, and to support and strengthen spiritual, emotional and intellectual connection. The ego, (i.e. The Self), it turns out, is an obstacle that often gets in the way of progress, both personally and communally. This study and focus and awareness may also be contributing to my recent (personally-perceived) intensity and efficacy.

Unrelated to my heart issues, I have a disability that has kept me from full-time work for the better part of this last twelve years. I am (as of July) back to working full-time. I believe this too to be a contributing factor to my recent energy. I have found this process of reconnection to be joyfully invigorating.

This combination of reasoned recognition, reflection and reconnection, (and I'm sure some other factors unrecognized), have had me on an Autobahn of thought; or, if you will, a high-speed free-thoughtway. But now in this past week I have experienced slowdowns due to speed limits, traffic signs, congestion, speed traps, traffic lights,  road construction, roundabouts, two or three accidents (including a personal fender-bender), speed bumps and sightseers. These slowdowns represent various egos; and not always another's ego - the fender-bender was my fault.

This morning I am scheduled for an alignment of thought and practicality; I am scheduled to meet with THE boss at work. She has been here for less time than I have. She has scheduled one-on-one meetings with every individual in the building. I sit on the lowest rung of this ladder and from here, I very much appreciate her willingness to listen. The questions she posed for discussion include "What do we need to start doing?" and "What do we need to stop doing?" From where I sit I am unable to answer the latter, but I have two strong suggestions for the former. Specifics are irrelevant to this written thought. The specific commonality and relevance to this week's thought is the disabling impact ego can have on high-speed thought, and an examination of the feasibility of resituating (or discounting) egos to accomodate change that has the potential to move us beyond "good enough". I said above that egos can curtail progress, and this is one way: by convincing everyone that good enough is good enough, thus maintaining a comfortable status quo.

I have some control over my ego, but how do I move or discount or sometimes even speed past another's ego without hurting feelings? I can make a "greater good" argument enabling me to be less concerned or unconcerned, but even if I am able to justify another's ego in pain and distance myself from it, at the very least their ego will throw up a roadblock that will hinder their personal advancement and that may also impact other nearby individuals. I can make a justifiable argument for (re)education on the value of increased potential that will come from egoless thought; but as necessary as this is, it is a project and (for an immediate circumstance) a detour. Depending on the circumstance, this detour may be the best choice, but during a prolific period as I have been experiencing, it is a hard choice.

Within the preceding paragraph, I have realized a new consideration. Though I may be sincere and even somewhat successful in my efforts to discount my ego and travel lighter, the presentation of this thought sounds pretentious and can leave an impression opposite that intended. I understand how a traveller weighed down with ego can mistake a lighter, faster, freer traveller as an egocentric show-off and instinctively work to slow them down. An ego does not like to be left behind.

Perhaps the only way to discount the ego in an immediate circumstance then, is to account for the ego. This acknowledgement of another may be as simple as a nod and will likely be more expeditious than avoiding roadblocks or detouring through a process of education. In my mind it is frequently nonproductive to slow down, wave and smile before speeding past, but I suppose in some circumstance it is better to appease and it could encourage another ego to follow in your wake, from where a process of mutual education may result.

And perhaps it would also lessen perceived pretentiousness if I emphasize and encourage the mutual aspect of education, and the speed of egoless thought and its greater potential for quantity of quality while also acknowledging its potential for complexity. An ego will tend to focus on the complexity and its resulting waste because an ego is naturally fearful and prefers the ease and comfort of status quo. This week I have found that if I maintain an active awareness and empathy for strong egos, and if I steadily work on reasoned recognition, reflection and reconnection, this not only helps me to maintain a steady speed and avoid road hazards, but it also helps me to soften my own ego.

And for those times I cannot escape my ego, (my Humanity), perhaps this softened, malleable ego guided by reason will keep me on track.

This week I read the following quote:

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."
--Jiddu Krisnamurti

So many anxieties and so much unhappiness is not a reflection of personal weakness, but rather a normal, healthy, human reaction to a maladjusted society.

Symptoms of this widespread societal disorder include bureaucracy, consumerism, poverty, discrimination, political divisiveness, cost and complexity of healthcare, cost and complexity of education, rates of incarceration, wealth gap, power gap, affordable housing, financial security, and justice; to name a few. Many of these symptoms overlap, compounding the severity of the injury and the length of the suffering.

It is an interesting perspective. Perhaps I am not depressed or anxious or fearful or unhappy; perhaps I am simply Human. But though it is an interesting perspective, it does not relieve my anxiety. "Yayyy" that I may not be the cause of (some or even most of) my unhappiness; it is a short-lived celebration because I am still unhappy. And because it feels like I have less of a chance to solve society's ills than what I might have to solve my own discrepancies, perhaps I am now more unhappy. It doesn't seem fair that my increased anxiety probably makes all those maladjusted-well-adjusted folks feel even more well-adjusted.

So what can I do? For decades we have been conspiring with big pharmaceutical companies to convince humans they shouldn't be human, and that their problems were biological, (in their head), or a combination of biological and psychological, (in their head and in their head). And in fairness a very small number of anxieties are biological, but the majority are brought about by a maladjusted society as described. But big pharm cannot commercialize a fix for society, so they will continue to perpetuate the myth of broken brains to maintain status quo.

Status quo is not acceptable. But because I am not in a position to fix a broken society, (as I stated last week) I will sow seeds. To sow seeds, I must have seeds to sow. Seeds come from plants and flowers. Plants and flowers have a range of characteristics, many interpreted according to personal taste. I find poison ivy to be distressingly irritating; yet there are those who sow these seeds and nurture the vine. I find the tulip to be elegant and well-formed; yet there are those who cannot see its beauty, truth and wisdom. Granted, poison ivy has a built-in system of defense, whereas the tulip is just inviting someone to pick it, but which one is more secure? Which one is more sincere? Which one is more inspiring?

This analogy nicely illustrates a deeper cause of our disturbed society. We have become a culture of individual egos, afraid to let our guard down, and exhibiting our desire for control by punishing those who get too close. When I think about a bank, or an insurance company, or the cable company, or the social security office, it is not a stretch to visualize poison ivy vines crawling over and around and through and within. I just shuddered imagining a bureaucrat opening their mouth and a vine reaching out, circling my neck, and forcing its way down my throat. I may now have nightmares. Is this acute anxiety? Can I get a prescription?

Perhaps humor is one way to decrease some anxiety, and I do see it as another valuable seed to sow, but it takes time for seeds to take root and grow. This week alone I have heard 4 specific references to doctor visits and individual symptoms potentially related to anxiety and/or depression. This is not uncommon; and the individuals are taking corrective action as they should. There should be no stigma attached. But if these individuals walk away from their doctor visits with only a pill and no education, as a society, we have failed; again.

And Big Pharm Wins! Again.

First and foremost this is for myself AND this is for ALL of Humanity. Secondarily this is for those I Love. And finally this is for those I know and for those I have known and for those I will know. I am the same as ALL of Humanity. I am past, present, and future. I am an abstraction. I am a pointillist landscape, undone; redone. I am uncertain, and I am unknowable. You are concrete and whole; defined and knowable. You are here and now. You are evolving into a future full of promise. You are forever etched. Because I am hazy and indistinct, and because you are coherent and comprehensible, I cannot presume to know for you what I cannot know for myself. Thus I must first consider that which is less focused; less refined. I must first consider myself AND ALL of Humanity. I must first bequeath to myself AND to ALL of Humanity.

So what is "this" that I am so dramatically and magnanimously passing on?

"This" is all of my thoughts; including those I have spoken, those I have written, those I have dreamed, those I have reinterpreted, those I have cherished, those I have loathed, those I have held on to, those I am yet to think, and those I have forgotten.

This is not much; I admit. And, this is everything. This is both ends of a spectrum from insignificance to essence; perhaps a circular spectrum; perhaps a snake eating its own tail. The question then becomes, "will I choose to be the gaping jaws or the vanishing tail?" Regardless of my choice, jaws or tail, (and regardless of my perception in any given moment), I remain both, insignificant and essential. And this is why the undone, redone, abstract, ever-changing, uncertain, unknowable content of all of my thoughts is first and foremost gifted to myself and to ALL of Humanity, and the effort and intent (along with any content you may find useful) is secondarily gifted to you; because it would be unjust and pretentious to presume.

But is it pretentious to bequeath to ALL of Humanity? I believe it is pretentious only if I see myself as knowing and Humanity as unknowing. But I am as disordered as ALL of Humanity. I am as ever-changing as ALL of Humanity. I am as myopic as ALL of Humanity. I am the same as ALL of Humanity. So it is not pretentious; it is a necessary reminder of my insignificance, and my essence.

If you were to say, "I agree with all of your thoughts," I would not believe you. I would respectfully suggest that you are lazy. If you were to say, "I agree with certain thoughts as presented by you," I would remind you that I have bequeathed these thoughts to you. Once considered and processed by you, these are no longer my thoughts. Again, I admit, this is not much.

I will continue to question and think and process and pass along. And then I will question and think and process and pass along. If I am struggling, if I am in pain, if I am comfortable, if I am cheerful, if I am conscious, and sometimes when I am unconscious, I can still question and think and process and pass along first and foremost to myself AND to ALL of Humanity.

Then, and only then, to you...

Will Humanity listen? Yes, in its own way. It is difficult for Humanity to hear an individual voice; as it should be. Just as it is difficult for me to hear a broken heel if my broken ribs are screaming. Just as it is difficult for me to hear my head if my heart differs. Just as it is difficult for me to hear reason if my anger intercedes. And, because it is difficult to hear that faint and distant voice, it is also difficult to hear the whole; I am more likely to feel the predominant rhythms and hear the ascendant arguments and then dance to that driving drumbeat. And finally, whether in the midst of an overpowering syncopation or surrounded by its slowly-dying echoes, it is additionally as difficult to change direction. So, if it is difficult to hear an individual voice, and if it is difficult to hear the whole, and if it is difficult to change direction, I will sow seeds.

To many, this week's thought is unrealistic. And as I just now read it again all the way through, I thought, "this is really dumb." (I bequeath this thought to you.) I also thought, "at best it is far too idealistic." And as it regards personal behavior, it is idealistic. I have opinions and give advice on a very consistent basis. But if you examine that transaction, I am able to do so only because you have allowed us to switch roles. You have become an abstraction representing ALL of Humanity, and I have (momentarily) become concrete and whole. Though still presumptuous, the reality is that I am merely sowing seeds. As I transform back into my hazy, uncertain self, I realize that you are likely not so careless as to adopt the content of my thoughts in its entirety. I trust that you will process and reinterpret. So in this sense, this construct of you and I as presented is realistic in that roles are transferable. And I suppose it is also realistic to trust that I will question and think and process before offering to change roles and express opinions.

This transactional trust is necessary for growth. There is much potential for growth, within a seed. This is why, when I am presented with a fully formed thought, (whether mine or another's), I must pick it apart to find those seeds with potential. To digest a fully formed thought whole, is to suppress, confuse, and sometimes destroy potential. Additionally, to digest a fully formed thought whole causes gastric upset that frequently results in a garbled reinterpretation being spewed all over nearby (and often unappreciative) innocents.

I began this post by saying, "First and foremost this is for myself AND this is for ALL of Humanity." When this thought formed it felt spiky and cumbersome. I was uncertain why, other than it felt smugly overconfident to prioritize otherwise. I believe I have smoothed and polished now to where I better understand this web of you and me and transactional trust. Beyond what I have already said, to maintain integrity within this concept of transactional trust, I should add that first and foremost I must constantly question myself as a representation of ALL of Humanity AND I must never be certain that I am more knowing than you. I believe that what appears to be concrete and knowable in this moment is very likely a driving drumbeat, a dying echo, a spewed thought, and/or a full-blown delusion. I must not presume otherwise...