hopelesshappiness.com

My gratitude naturally leans more towards "it could be worse" as opposed to "count my blessings." It's not that I expect things to get worse (though sometimes they will), but rather that I look around and see so many people that in various ways have a tougher life or are going through a tougher time than I. In fact, I suspect I could look closely at any one individual and find at least one way in which they have it tougher.

I have previously identified gratitude as a crutch; and it is a crutch when one depends on it constantly or frequently, thereby allowing it to hinder their search for Truth and Wisdom. If one feels so 'blessed' that they stop questioning, then gratitude is a crutch. Whereas if one looks around in order to learn from the strength of others (who have it worse), then this perspective on being grateful is consistent with one's search. So with this latter perspective, gratitude can serve as both a crutch to help one through a tough time, and also as a tool to further one towards Truth and Wisdom.

Nearly a year-and-a-half ago I posted on the Periodic Happiness Table of Elements page that "some crutches, such as Gratitude and (realistic) Optimism, are perfectly natural and should be encouraged and practiced." I have qualified Gratitude above, and 'realistic' qualifies 'optimism'. Defining optimism as 'a belief that goodness pervades reality' supports the concept of exoteric goodness through empirical behavior, which in turn implies an active, exertive hopefulness. Despite these encouragements and qualifications I still believe that even constructive utilization of a crutch or crutches will slow and potentially stall one's search. One should not be lulled into a false sense of security.

There are some weeks when my Happiness comes up lame. Rather than being laid up, or painfully hobbling along, I pick up a crutch and make every effort to stand tall until I heal.

I am re-thinking Anger. I have previously stated that it is my favorite of the seven deadly sins because it seems the one I am most naturally inclined towards. Dante described wrath (or anger) as "love of justice perverted to revenge and spite." Though I do love justice, this sounds ugly and I do not like seeing myself in this light; (or dark, as the case may be). The opposing virtue to Anger is alternatively presented as compassion, patience, forgiveness, or composure. I have no problem with this balance for those I love and care about. Balance is a challenge though when I feel exploited, manipulated, or excessively wronged by others.

With close friends and family I am more easily able to forgive, thereby eradicating anger. With others, when the wrong is radical, I find forgiveness very difficult. Perhaps the key then is to live with the anger and work with compassion, composure, and patience to mitigate Anger's impact. Will compassion encourage forgiveness? I can see that possibility for less consequential injustices and/or in those instances where mutual respect remains. But what of those instances where mutual respect has not yet been established, or where there has been a significant loss of respect?

These 'instances' cover a lot of ground; including very large, impersonal (nameless-faceless) bureaucracies. It is hard to forgive someone when there is no someONE.

And this line of thought also brings up the following question: Can an organization take on a disordered personality, sweeping up individuals in its path (within the organization) to where they know not what they do? And if an organization can exhibit neurotic or even (in extreme cases) psychotic tendencies, should one be more composed, patient, compassionate, and (dare I say) forgiving towards those individuals simply caught up in the culture?

... Perhaps so ...

After all, this need to belong is a very human need that works closely with other very human needs including social activity, acceptance, and purpose, as well as some potentially darker needs such as superiority, self-interest, importance, power, and control.

So - this thought begs the question, Should one be forgiven for being Human? That is a very big question. And my first inclination is to answer 'Yes'.

This thinking though may lead some to ask is there really anything to forgive? Especially in the case of an individual merely caught up in a bureaucratic or organizational culture? I believe regardless of the circumstances one is responsible for one's individual behavior and instead of condoning lemming-like behavior by forgiving, perhaps we should applaud and encourage non-conformist behavior. This does not change the fact though, that circumstances may call for more understanding, empathy, and compassion; and this thought brings me right back to the earlier question - 'Will compassion encourage forgiveness for a radical wrong in a non-family/friend circumstance?'

I feel that true forgiveness is reserved (I said 'is' not 'should be') for close family and friends with whom there is a depth of attachment and mutual respect. I believe one can be compassionate and resentful at the same time, but I do not believe one can truly forgive if there remains even the slightest resentment. It is human nature to feel resentment if one believes they have been wronged. The perceived intensity of the injury impacts the lifespan of that resentment. For those of us who love justice, resentment can hang around for a very long time. But I believe it true for everyone that in non-family/friend circumstances one does not forgive so much as one forgets. I know this to be true by experiencing and observing renewed resentment in one who is reminded of past, forgotten wrongs.

So if true forgiveness is (in non-family/friend circumstances) impossible how does one with a love of justice forget? I believe compassion can mitigate the pain of resentment, but if compassion cannot encourage forgiveness can it speed the process of forgetfulness? I don't think so ...

If one is practicing compassion through empathy and understanding, one is considering the target of the resentment; and through this living thought is also breathing life into that resentment.

To review:

1. True forgiveness for excessive injury in a non-family/friend circumstance is impossible.
2. Substitute virtues may mitigate the pain, but (especially for those of us who love justice) may also fuel the resentment.
3. Organizational or bureaucratic cultures do not excuse lack of personal responsibility / accountability based on consensus legal and ethical guidelines and principles; especially when an individual caught up in the culture also recognizes the questionable ethics as questionable.
4. Revenge and spite are ugly.

I am at a point where I see 3 options:

1. Seek fair, impartial justice.
2. Be Angry.
3. Forget.

Counterpoints/comments towards the 3 options above:

1. Fair, impartial justice is difficult in the legal system and beyond difficult in the ethical arena.
2. I am tired of being angry.
3. I want to forget.

But I don't know how to forget. I have already said that compassion will (inadvertently) nourish resentment. And forgetting (while I am thinking about it) feels a lot like giving up; but if I am able to forget then I won't be thinking about it and it won't feel like I gave up - until the next time I am reminded. And in some cases, reminders are frequent.

So if there is no justice; and if I am unable to forget/give up; then I guess it must be okay to be angry; and I must find a way to be okay with being angry.

So now I've come to the question - Can one be angry without spite and without seeking revenge?

I do see the partial truth in cliches like 'time heals all wounds' and advice such as 'give it some time' but I believe the truth in these thoughts is not a healing or an eradication of anger, but more an acceptance according to my definition of acceptance: "biding one's time in a difficult situation, faithfully recognizing and acting on every opportunity, and thoughtfully creating opportunities, to perpetuate positive change."

It is the emotion in anger that perverts it to revenge and spite. If one can simply acknowledge the fact of anger and objectively work towards accepting it according to the definition above, then the emotion will subside with the effort of acceptance, and the effort will reassure one that the acceptance is not the same as giving up.

It's worth repeating: if there is no justice; and if I am unable to forget/give up; then it must be okay to be angry; and I must find a way to be okay with being angry. Perhaps a start is to acknowledge, objectively accept, and internalize, thus creating a sort of external / empirical forgetfulness.

So while it is unlikely that emotion can be removed from anger - (then it wouldn't be anger) - I believe the emotion can be tempered and controlled. Once to this stage of anger though, one is in danger of forgetting, which feels like giving up. And giving up is not consistent with one's search for Truth, Wisdom, and ultimately Happiness.

So - I will simultaneously work on empirical forgetfulness and transcendental Truth with the (active, contributory) hope that it will impact exoteric Goodness ...

Now I need to understand if this empirical forgetfulness will encourage a forgiving Happiness? ... Or will it lead me towards forgiving Happiness? ...

Wherever it leads, I will continue to evaluate Anger. It deserves more attention.

Per last week's post, I have made a strong effort in this past week to identify (1 or 2) specific hopes and actively contribute to their manifestation. Additionally I have made an effort to simultaneously Embrace the Hurt and Let Go of the Hurt. I believe I have made more consistent progress towards the manifestation of Hope than I have in simultaneously Letting Go of / Embracing the Hurt. Both of these efforts are long-term; but at those times when Life does not make sense - when the world around us seems confused and unfriendly - progress can become tangled and unfathomable. I am going through one of those times.

I like order. I like for things to make sense.

In regards to Hope the additional focus and effort has been most effective when I set daily goals and check on progress at the end of each day. Accountability to myself (with considerable discipline) and/or to another (willing to help) is key. Each day that I accomplish one or two identified goals that work towards realizing hope adds to the discipline and likelihood of goal-accomplishment the next day; and encourages hope.

In regards to simultaneously Embracing the Hurt and Letting Go of the Hurt my efforts in this past week have brought mixed results. I have been more successful internalizing Goodness thus mitigating the impact of the Hurt by focusing it outwards. As suggested last week though, I have (for the most part) done this when alone and/or via thoughts only. What I have found is this confluence is most likely as I am lying in bed, falling asleep. And as a result there have been a couple of nights filled with restless, disturbing dreams that in the morning leave me hurting. But during the day, consciously internalizing Goodness has left the Hurt as a noticeable but somewhat unrecognizable hot spot kept in check by the Goodness. I am still working on consciously and purposefully Letting Go externally; I'm finding this to be a much tougher task than relieving the internal Hurt.

... ... ...

Today is Friday. Much of the above was written Monday and Tuesday. It has been a good week. I have made consistent, daily progress on various fronts throughout the week and I have rediscovered the importance of melding the various elements so as not to dwell on and/or be overcome by any one rampaging aspect of Life at any given time.

Life does rampage, and (if one's paying attention) can often seem out of control. In this previous post I discussed the occasional necessity of "one foot in front of the other - repeat - again - and again..." I believe these last two week's posts, by focusing on Hope, have advanced that concept to its next stage of development and instead of accidentally or fortuitously making the intangible tangible, has helped me to take a little control over that process. Now I am paying very close attention to where I am placing my foot, and with occasional glances ahead, these purposeful steps are more productively carrying me forward one day at a time.

I like order. I like for things to make sense. And now I like purpose; (both transcendental and empirical). But for those times when sense, order, and purpose are lost and/or confused, I will say again ...

... "One foot in front of the other - repeat - again - and again ..."

Is it possible to 'Let Go of the Hurt' and 'Embrace the Hurt' simultaneously? Everyone hurts. Some may not acknowledge or notice the hurt, but that is not the same as Letting Go of the Hurt. Some may hurt more than others, but that is not the same as Embracing the Hurt.

To balance 'Hurt' so one can learn from it, yet not be overwhelmed by it, is difficult at best. To Embrace implies lovingly. To Let Go is also a commonly associated characteristic of love. For me this implies some control and conscious decision-making, and the necessity to care about the Hurt. If one does not nurture this relationship with Hurt, learning is limited and the door is left open for an unexpected deluge of pain.

So even when one is able to balance and compassionately acknowledge Hurt it seems that the acts (Embrace and Let Go) would be successive and not logically possible to perform simultaneously. But perhaps it is possible ...

If one could Embrace the Hurt internally by focusing on the seed-the center-the heart of the Hurt and Let Go of the Hurt by refusing conscious acknowledgment in the form of thoughts, words, emotions, or actions, one would simultaneously be Embracing and Letting Go. THIS sounds impossible; yet I believe we may do this every night in the form of dreams. Why not aspire to this therapeutic state during daytime hours as well.

Alternatively one could Embrace Goodness internally, Embrace the Hurt externally (via thoughts, words, emotions, or actions), thus simultaneously Letting Go of the Hurt internally by having filled that space with Goodness. A caveat for this alternative might be to Do No Harm to others or to relationships while Letting Go externally; (a recommended rule of thumb may be to do this through thoughts only, or when one is alone).

Granted, these alternatives to simultaneously Embrace and Let Go would take a tremendous amount of practice and discipline. But one must start somewhere; and to start with the knowledge that it is possible, may lead to a sense of hope, that must then result in action and behavior consistent with the desired learning and growth. As stated in a previous post hope without appurtenant, contributory action is debilitating and must be avoided.

And perhaps this is the ultimate point. A sub-heading at the top of each page on this site states "A Philosophy of Happiness and Hope". In the past year-and-a-half I have spent considerable effort on Happiness but comparatively-speaking I have spent very few words on Hope. So for my benefit, I will write it again: Hope must be supported by actions and behaviors consistent with the highest ideals inherent in that Hope. (And again): Hope cannot survive alone; it will either be joined (and undermined) by fear, or it will be made manifest by contributory action.

Like many things I have written, this now seems somewhat obvious. But it must also be made obvious in one's daily existence; and this is not always an easy task. This also goes back to Exoteric Goodness as exhibited through everyday thoughts and behaviors. To solidify Hope into something tangible and meaningful I believe the steps below may be a start:

1. Define the Hope.
2. Identify all specific actions that have the potential to create tangible results, (no matter how unlikely they may seem), by brainstorming and thinking creatively, outside the box.
3. Choose actions to carry out.
4. Don't give up.

Essentially, I believe we are talking about planning and goal-setting, in the sense that Hopes = Goals.

And why not? In this process we have transformed Hope into motivated action and sidestepped fear. It gives one hope for Hope.

To bring this week's thoughts full circle, I began with the question "Is it possible to 'Let Go of the Hurt' and 'Embrace the Hurt' simultaneously?" I then transitioned to Hope, which in my mind is connected to Hurt in that many (all?) of our Hopes are either directly or tangentially related to relief or release from Hurt. So perhaps the better question is - "Is it necessary, and/or more productive, to simultaneously Let Go of the Hurt and Embrace the Hurt?" I believe it to be productive and necessary to at the very least acknowledge this possibility and work towards it.

Perhaps the sub-heading above should read "A Philosophy of Happiness and Hurt and Hope".

Everyone hurts. I believe for some that Hurt may be of a magnitude seemingly impossible to overcome. I hope (through active, contributory actions) to never reach this state; though with varying degrees of effort I believe we can all empathize with that pain. I intend to never judge another's Hurt or pretend that I know anything at all about another's Hurt. It is not my place. It is their Hurt. I only hope (again through active, contributory actions) that I can help if allowed to do so. And I am sorry for those who feel they cannot bring themselves to seek out help and/or feel that they are unable to help themselves.

Everyone Hurts ...

Writing this week I have confronted multiple false starts. I have been working on tying Human Interaction to Happiness based on some mutually constructive learning experienced this week. But each time I write a few paragraphs and re-read them they come across as obvious and/or driven by ego.

Here is an example paragraph that I have struggled with:

• This week I have been on the receiving end of trust, respect, focused attention, and mutual interaction in a learning environment. I have seen some minor transformations and have (at times) felt gratified and fulfilled.

So perhaps what I really need to write about is ego-control and maximizing results when given an opportunity to lead.

I have indicated in recent posts that some personal circumstances have changed; specifically my employment situation. This past Monday I began teaching (in the classroom) college level curriculum. It has been several years since I have been in a leadership position that enabled me to share quality experience in this type of setting. I am cautioning myself to remember recent posts and my belief that anonymity validates exoteric goodness; yet standing in front of a class of (mostly) eager, (somewhat) captive learners, it is difficult to keep 'me' out of the equation. And in some ways I should not keep 'me' out of the equation because expectations include sharing my background and knowledge. But still, ego cannot creep into the circumstance; it will cheapen the learning experience. Even leading an initiative such as this, I believe one must first and foremost be a contributor on equal footing with all involved; especially in terms of mutual growth.

I believe that seeking power and control is a natural human tendency; and when it is handed to you, (as it has been handed to me this week), the tendency is to bask; at least a little. I also believe that these tendencies will mellow, and in this case have already begun to do so assisted by this written thought. For me, the key to ego-control now becomes constant reminders.

So if one is able to productively balance the 'me' portion with the knowledge piece, the next question becomes - How does one create synergy from quality human interaction that will expand and encompass all involved?

Some thoughts come to mind:

• Acknowledgment of the potential for mutual learning and growth.
• Openness and receptivity to all learning from all sources.
• Clear targets and goals.
• Careful, empathic listening.
• Consistent encouragement and validation.
• Mutual respect and compassion.
• Creatively thinking outside the box and occasionally straying from the path to potentially discover hidden paths that ultimately lead back to the circumscribed path.
• A factor of fun.
• A factor of mutual accountability.
• A factor of logic and reason.
• Consistent opportunity to share one's truth, especially when it is not another's truth.
• No fear.
• No regret.
• Opportunity for contemplation and reflection.

The above list of items could be a 'Manifesto' for the classroom or any formal learning or training, but various aspects at various times could also be used to strengthen and enrich personal and professional relationships.

All human interaction is valuable to some extent. 'Quality Human Interaction' will allow more frequent glimpses of Truth, Wisdom, and Happiness; though in the midst of Quality Human Interaction it is difficult to put these sightings into words. That is why at this point in the evolution of my thinking I added the last item to the list above - 'Opportunity for contemplation and reflection'. Of course in a formal setting that contemplation and reflection should correspond with the learning targets and goals. In relationship-building the inner thought can and should be more free-form and more difficult to put into words.

I believe the more difficult it is to pin something with an empirical definition, the more valuable that something becomes; especially if one follows its transcendence towards its whispered promise of Truth and Wisdom ... That occasional glimpse of fluttering Light ... That ethereal waft of softness and purity ... That recognition and knowledge of beyond ...

In recent weeks I have been working at a unification of harsh reality and ineffable/intuitive spirituality. I believe Quality Human Interaction should be sought out as a valuable piece to this puzzle.