Happiness, echoed

I admit; I have entertained the thought that perhaps one day my brilliant, cutting-edge, witty, indispensable, five-and-a-half year, weekly blog would be discovered. And why not? With only 300 million other blogs out there, and my aggressive "Field of Dreams" marketing strategy, a blog called Hopeless Happiness should pop. Right? I have even had the pompous audacity over this five-and-a-half years to, (on three... no, four... or maybe five different occasions), send a post unsolicited to some writer or expert because I thought it relevant to their current thought and/or writing and/or field of expertise. But in hindsight, (and not surprisingly), these occasions were merely my meandering metacognition misfiring. The only adjective (from above) to adequately describe the actuality of my personal blog is "indispensable"; and now, personal. For that is all this determined attempt to comprehend and appreciate has been---personally indispensable. But I have said this before; (here).

It is difficult to maintain that middle ground between confidence and humility. This week it is more a consideration of ego and doubt; or even fear. I wrote the first paragraph above yesterday, actively hoping to find humor in my struggle. And from an objective or confident perspective, it really is sadly comical to watch someone authoritatively pretend to know something that they do not know. Many examples come to mind; including the fact that more than once I have entertained the thought that perhaps one day my brilliant, cutting-edge, witty...

I understand that 1) the fact that I know what the "Dunning-Kruger Effect" is, and 2) the fact that I have frequently---(okay, at least periodically)---championed and worked to practice skepticism, uncertainty, and more frequent usage of the phrase "I don't know," and 3) the fact that I have questioned former foundational, entrenched beliefs to the point that I now refer to them as "former," should all influence my confidence in a positive way. But, I am here to argue that 1) because I know what the "Dunning-Kruger Effect" is, I see myself as a resulting casualty; and 2) because I practice skepticism and uncertainty, I realize that "I really don't know"; and 3) because my foundation in recent years has shifted so dramatically, I still feel its newness and instability. I understand firsthand, as someone who has been "willing to reconsider," how difficult it is to maintain a degree of confidence sufficient to be taken seriously---by others, or by myself.

But, in working to understand and appreciate this struggle, (as well as innumerable others), I will say again, "this blog has been personally indispensable."

According to the American Philosophical Association Delphi Description:

“The ideal critical thinker is habitually inquisitive, well-informed, honest in facing personal biases, prudent in making judgments, willing to reconsider, clear about issues, orderly in complex matters, diligent in seeking relevant information, reasonable in the selection of criteria, focused in inquiry, and persistent in seeking results which are as precise as the subject and the circumstances of inquiry permit."

Skipping the preliminaries, because I work hard to be a critical thinker, when faced with a multitude of opinions and beliefs so clearly different from my own and certainties so far removed from my own uncertainties, how can I not ask more and more questions and how can I not become more and more uncertain? Because I am still functional, I realize that I may be exaggerating some to make my point; or perhaps I am simply asking, how can others be so unquestioning and certain? But I have asked this before; (here and here).

Also applicable to my struggle is the concept of relevance. This week I have either been sensitive to, or have had more frequent reminders of, my personal insignificance, which in turn has damaged my confidence. When suffering from a lack of confidence, my humility becomes debilitating doubt and/or fear; and when injured in this way I compensate with ego. But then of course, being the skeptical critical thinker that I am, I perpetuate the cycle by questioning my metacognition. And when I come to this point, it helps to remind myself that despite the actuality that I live in a circumstance in which irrelevance is distressingly irrelevant, I strongly believe that irrelevance is exceedingly relevant. But I have said this before; (here and here).

I suppose another part of this struggle and challenge, (that I have probably said before but perhaps not in this way), is that if I want to have a meaningful conversation about the necessity of skepticism and doubt and uncertainty, and the dynamics of relevance, I must find individuals potentially of a like mind, or I must influence individuals to a like mind; yet I am surrounded by a seemingly impenetrable culture of authoritative solipsism. Those in possession of this imposing majority mindset appear to find it very comfortable; and, from where I sit, it also appears that, (both individually and in totality), they would like to remain comfortable. This imperious arrogance attempts to manifest as confidence, (and on occasion, does so), but in actuality it is denial; denial that a questioning skepticism is necessary; denial that certainty is uncertain; denial that irrelevance is relevant; and denial that personal relevance is irrelevant.

This week I am a bit lost. I want to believe that ultimately those entrenched in denial will be overcome with a sense of inevitability, and evolve. And when I think in terms of the inevitability and the necessity of evolution, I do believe this. But this week, this thought is not comforting. This week I need to simply get to next week before I say something I have not said before.

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