hopelesshappiness.com

It is funny. I have always thought I possessed the intelligence and capabilities to come into some renown. Precocious, I know. But here's the funny part: Now that I am where I am in my Life, I am deciding that I do not want renown until I am dead. I believe it would mess me up. I want to stay cynical and skeptical and argumentative and truthful. I want to keep saying things that I believe need to be said with no fear of losing comfort and security. In this moment of clarity, I have neither comfort nor security, and therefore, nothing to lose. Each week, each day, each moment, is precarious; and I believe this to be true for each and every one of the 7,617,292,489 individuals here in this present moment. Some just don't ever experience any moments of clarity to help them realize that their comfort and security is delusional.  I believe I have sprinkled a few moments of clarity throughout my written thought and I would like to continue to do so. To come across any type of renown at this point, I believe, would only taint and smear that potential. If anything, I need to become more truthful; more straightforward; meaner; surlier. I want the world to experience exponential clarity; and though I am reasonably confident that my contribution will be miniscule, once dead, I would like that my work receive its rightful amount of renown. Not for me (obviously), but for its potential contribution.

Last week I was focusing on the eyes and working very hard to discern the thoughts of my brand-new 9-day-old granddaughter. This consideration prompted the thoughts above and is driving the thoughts to come. I would like to think that we are going to see, (despite some recent hiccups), continued progress in thoughtful, forward-thinking intelligence. With this in mind, as I was soaking up the energy of this wonderfully new and beautiful baby, I ascribed to her the following thoughts:

Hi New World,

And because you are new to me, I have a lot to do and I have a lot to learn. Thank you for the opportunity. Here in the first two weeks of my Life, between the crying and the eating and the pooping and the hiccuping and the sleeping, I think of how much I would like to know you; all of you.

I am already thinking about two things. For one, I am already learning about precarious. You know, if Life has its way we be upside down more often than right side up. And there will be days and weeks and even years with too much blood rushing to my head; but if I use that surge and flow to think and then do, and then think and then do, and then think and then do, and I don't let all the upside-down just make me do-do-Do-Do-DO, then maybe I come out right-side-up. And maybe not. That's precarious.

I am happy to know that I will have people to help me think because once I figure out these flailing appendages and this surrounding verbal ca-ca, I am going to get busy doing and may forget so much to think. Right now and for the warm, secure time before now, I have lots of thinking. It may not seem that way since I can't yet process meaning, but doesn't that make it more pure; and more powerful. My Grandad says that thinking always loses something in translation, so my thinking right now must be more whole. And so along with precarious, my other biggest thinking tells me to trust. I mean, besides the small matter of having no choice, I think we will think and then do a lot more better, together. I want us to trust and think and do together.

I really, really, really want us all to trust and think and do together. All of us.

Please trust me that my unprocessed, unfiltered, unverbal thinking is from my heart. I mean, where else could it be coming from?

Thank you for listening to me. Now I have to flail and cry and poop and think some more really big and wonderful thinking.

Thank you for listening to me.

I have faith that more and more of our children will be raised to think and then do, together; realizing that thoughtless divisiveness is counterproductive, and will more often lead to upside-down. There are days in which I push myself to experience that contrast between upside-down and right-side-up. There are days, (such as today), when I push myself beyond my typical physical workout. (Typically, once or twice a week, I will walk 3 to 4 miles and swim for an hour-and-a-half. Today, I walked an additional 3 to 4 miles.) I do this because it is a condensed understanding of the transformation from upside-down to right-side-up; and it reminds me that the highs, (even the relatively level highs of normal), are much higher when the lows are lower. It reminds me that the lows can always be lower. It reminds me that if there are no lows, there can be no highs. And it reminds me that the lows are more meaningful as actual experience; (as opposed to vicarious clucks of sympathy).

I am currently rereading "The Gift" written by Lewis Hyde, in which he differentiates between work and labor. Work is more like "Do" and labor is more like "unfiltered, unprocessed, unverbal thinking." Work is typically connected to a job and/or "the machinery of the market" whereas "labor has its own schedule. Things get done, but we often have the odd sense that we didn't do them." Mr. Hyde quotes Paul Goodman who once said, "I have recently written a few good poems. But I have no feeling that I wrote them." Mr. Hyde goes on to say, "That is the declaration of labor. ...we wake up to discover the fruits of labor." [pg. 64] Mr. Hyde's specific point being, that to validate and complete a gift exchange, there must be labor from which the original recipient becomes one with the gift and thereby is able to pass it on. I believe my realization (stated above) that renown / success will taint my (written) thought, is an indication of my personal gifting process. My labor must continue throughout the entirety of my Life in order for me to properly show gratitude for these gifts I have been given. Gifts that of course begin with Life itself (as seen in the eyes of my granddaughter), and have carried forward into love, and learning, and purpose, and passion, and a realistic and active ignorance (of my personal limitations) that allows me to believe I can save the World. Life, love, learning, purpose, passion, ignorance; all of which intertwine into knowing upside-down and (on occasion) right-side-up.

And because I am still diligently working to save the World, I must also consistently recognize and experience highs and lows, and upside-down and right-side-up, and precarious and trust, and divisiveness and interdependence, and work and labor, and hiccups and poop, and all forms of comfort and adversity that will demand a Life that will sufficiently justify and celebrate a Death. I don't believe that my efforts alone will Save the World; (but you never know, so I am compelled to make that effort). However, I do believe that if my efforts were duplicated by even 1,523,557,915 of the (in this moment) 7,617,789,574 individuals in this World, then we would experience exponential clarity and that clarity might yet allow us to Save the World, together.

Life without trust, is more precarious. Trust without Life is more vicarious. I believe that an excess of vicarious undermines, yet (some may argue that) an excess of precarious impairs judgment. I would argue that vicarious encourages conformity whereas precarious discourages conformity. Precarious is a reality. Vicarious is a mind game. By realizing that absolute unconditional trust is precarious, I can still seek a balance of trust, while consciously rejecting vicarious, and I will still know precarious. But within this dynamic of precarious / vicarious, it is not finding a balance; it is not drawing a line; it is not completely ridding myself of vicarious; it is an "ever-shifting, jelly-like, globular whole" in which I must allow precarious to dominate; it is an opportunity for my Death, (i.e. my Life after the fact), to become more meaningful.

"Who do you think you are?"

This is a question that is misunderstood; misunderstood because I believe I can ask it. But no matter how much I would like to ask this of an individual, it is not my place to do so because it is a question that is too easily dismissed.

A common dismissive response:
"Who do you think you are to be asking Me who I think I am?"

Instead of me asking "Who do you think you are?" of another, I should be asking it of myself. I should be asking it each time I have the power to influence another individual. I should be asking it by first empathically connecting with this other individual, and then, (from each respective end of this connection) ask myself "Who do you think you are?" and "Who Do I think I am?" This is of course meant to be an inner reflection on potential abuse of power by asking the same question from differing perspectives.

...not an easy task, because these questions are also easily dismissed.

It is too easy to say:
"I am the one with the power."

...and, (perhaps---(but probably not)---subconsciously), it is too easy to believe:
"Deservingly so."

To factor in opportunity as determined by a plethora of random circumstance, is far too cumbersome. Much simpler to believe

"I am entitled."

...and its corollary

"They are not."

Much simpler to believe

"I am the epicenter of ALL past, present, and future Humanity."

...and its corollary

"They are not."

Much simpler to dismiss

"7 million years"

...and its corollary

"100 billion people."

Much simpler to be

"Oblivious, unaware, ignorant, absorbed, disregardful, distracted, dreamy, forgetful, heedless, inattentive, neglectful, preoccupied, unconcerned, uninformed, unobservant, unwitting."

...and its corollary

"Political."

Memorables from this week:

"You look at certain things and they is just certain things. Look at them another way and certain things add up to one big thing, one terrible thing, all the more terrible because you never add them up before."
(--from "A Brief History of Seven Killings" by Marlon James; pg.180)

Do the math.

"The white bird in the sky is crying.
The kite is high, it's flying - reach it."
(--from my six year old Granddaughter; origin uncertain)

Do I reach for the bird? Or do I reach for the kite? I find it difficult to console (or appease or soothe), and to fly, simultaneously.

"...police come right 'round to where me be and drag all of we to jail... [but] ...This wasn't no police, this was soldier. ...Soldier don't act like we is crime and them is order, soldier act like we is enemy and this is war."
(from "A Brief History of Seven Killings" by Marlon James; pg.185)

To maintain order? Or to make war? The decision is made in the mind and realized on the street.

Is there a thread?

There are things; lurking; between the lines. Between Big and Terrible. Between Crying and Flying. Between Soothing and Reaching. Between Policing and Soldiering. Between Order and Chaos. These are just a few examples.

Crime is not always the Enemy. Sometimes Power is the Enemy. Sometimes Order is the Enemy. Sometimes Crime is just a thing; a definition; a mentality; an unnecessary intolerance. Sometimes the Entanglement is a big thing; sometimes, a terrible big thing.

Between the lines is Not the Enemy. Even when between the lines adds up to a big, terrible thing, it also has the potential to pull us toward resolution. "Just Things" cannot add up to increase, but instead lag behind to bloat power; whereas "between the lines" runs alongside and a little ahead to show the way. So sometimes the Math (that disentangles, adds, and reorders both the things and the in-between) is a good thing; sometimes a terrible good thing.

Moving forward is good; even when it seems to be bad. Running in place is bad; even when it seems to be good. Change; evolve; progress. As opposed to: resist; evade; give up.

It is okay to walk out; as long as I am moving, forward. It is okay to be kicked out; as long as I recognize the future. It is not okay to stay, if I am stuck in today. (Today is yesterday.) It is not okay to stay, simply because I am comfortable. It is okay to stay; as long as I recognize the future, and as long as I am moving forward.

As much as I disagree with many aspects of the system, it has been brought to my attention that it is the system driven by a market economy, (interdependently with science, technology, and globalization), that is responsible for much of the advancement in individual well-being we have seen in the past two centuries. As illustrated by the facts of improved health, increased average lifespan, declining violence, fewer individuals living in extreme poverty, and an exponential growth in both individual and collective knowledge; and despite contradictory accounts from doomsayers and fearmongers; the well-being of Humanity has improved. I'm not here (this week) to argue that point. All doomsayers and fearmongers, please exit now. This week I want to better understand the working parts of our market driven economy as they relate to my sense of well being.

If the goal of Humanity, (both individually and collectively), is to battle disorder in an effort to not only survive but also to feel empowered and purposeful, then the system has indeed aided in this effort. And it is difficult to argue against the concept of entropy as the ultimate villain. This week the system has boosted personal satisfaction. This week I saw my highest credit score I have seen in more than five years. This week I have managed to sell a car, come to terms on a new home rental, secure a car loan, secure a line of credit, and purchase a new car. All very orderly; and empowering. This week I feel in control. This week I feel in charge. Why is this different than a week in which contact with bureaucracy is at a minimum. Why is this different than the week I lost a job and saw my credit score begin a downward spiral? Why is this different than the week I had a heart attack and discovered I was fat? Or the other week, (only five years later), when I had another heart attack and, (though no longer fat), discovered I was mortal? The answer to these questions may appear to be obvious---(bad things vs. good)---but in many cases, bad things are beyond one's control and simply a matter of odds that dictate a certain liklihood of disorder. So if there are indeed "so many more ways of being disorderly than of being orderly," (as stated by Steven Pinker in his newest book Enlightenment Now), then why do I feel responsible and/or feel a need to assign responsibility / blame for bad things? Instead, I should be working to understand possible causes leading up to the "bad thing" so I may change future actions and behaviors, and let go of those elements beyond my influence.

Looked at in this way, striving for order should not be so compelling that it encourages blame and slows progress. Additionally, striving for order should not be so compelling that it results in unnecessary complexity; complexity often implemented by power working to cement personal security.

Regardless, the system has eliminated the threat of debtors prison. The system has provided better access to better health care, and based on its trajectory, it will continue to improve. The system, (with some small hiccups), has provided incentive for decreasing violence on both large and small scale. The system provides opportunity for an individual to correct past mistakes.

Regardless, the system needs improvement. The system provides a (sometimes) crushing stigma for those with low credit scores. The system has created a superweb of health care inefficiencies. The system often encourages divisiveness regarding political leanings that impact multiple areas, including, (and perhaps most devastatingly), the potential for small and large scale violence. The system provides ample opportunity for an individual to make mistakes. And the system strongly discourages individual disagreement with the system.

Regardless, the system is responsible for much of the advancement in individual well-being we have seen in the past two centuries.

Much of the written thought above was thought and written early in the week. On Friday I was reminded that I am not in control. A planned c section and carefully orchestrated travel plans were derailed by a grandbaby seeking an early exit. A minor annoyance well worthwhile for a healthy daughter and granddaughter; and they are (thankfully) healthy. With Moxie and a degree of impertinence, my beautiful new granddaughter has given me an opportunity to reorder disorder.

So I understand that a system (by definition) creates order and imbues a sense of calm necessary for maintaining order. What I must work to break free from is the frustration inherent in clamor and chaos. Reminders such as this week's written thought are helpful, but this week I am thinking and writing in the midst of a relatively calm and empowering set of circumstance.

I just realized that all of this thought may simply be a reiteration of the popular sweatshirt slogan, Keep Calm and Carry On. Or perhaps it is a reminder to differentiate between calm indifference resulting in quiescence and stagnation, and calm transformation resulting in ordered progress. Though I believe this thought has, (in varying ways), been presented before, I like the reinforcement.

So what about the "market driven" portion of our system? Does it add to, or detract from, progress? I believe, depending on circumstance, it can do both. I believe there must be some competition to reward advancing order. I believe that our current system, (though it has moved us forward, and it is continuing to contribute), includes some misaligned components: specifically money and power. I believe the playing field must be leveled. I believe that "this previous written thought" could provide a starting point.

So perhaps this week I have simply reordered and reinforced, with little new thought. Regardless, with some Moxie and impertinence, perhaps I can encourage new action, resulting in ordered progress.

To Whine: bellyache, carp, complain, cry, drone, fuss, gripe, grouse, grumble, howl, kick, mewl, moan, murmur, pule, repine, snivel, sob, wail, whimper, yowl...

...typically from annoyance, aggravation, agitation, bother, difficulty, discontent, displeasure, fretfulness, harassment, restlessness, trouble, uneasiness, unhappiness, vexation, worry.

To Disagree: clash, conflict, contend, contest, contradict, counter, debate, deviate, differ dispute, dissent, diverge, object, oppose...

...typically from annoyance, aggravation, agitation, bother, difficulty, discontent, displeasure, fretfulness, harassment, restlessness, trouble, uneasiness, unhappiness, vexation, worry.

If power is defined as anyone with influence, then to disagree with no complaint to power, (or with no complaint until after the fact), is to whine.

I would like to believe that to disagree is to create possibilities: a possibility for justice; a possibility for progress; a possibility for learning; a possibility for shared understanding.

But...

Power often mistakes disagreement for whining.

The overwhelming apathy from the population at large often colors disagreement as whining.

Indecision, personal apathy, uncertainty, conformity, and other personal insecurities encourage disagreement to remain imprisoned as whining.

And to whine is to not be heard.

I will take my chances.

I will continue to disagree.