hopelesshappiness.com

We should be angry. But after a time, we find various ways to let it go; become accepting; and quiescent. I believe this must be a necessary human mechanism that aids in the prevention of heart attacks; and murder. I believe that for most of us, this (agreeable, accommodating, amiable, compliant, conciliatory, obliging, solicitous) mechanism is on a constant cycle, always humming in the background, ready to gear up at the least sign of provocation. Provocation can come from another individual, a group, an organization, a circumstance, or a blend. Many, (if not most), believe that this complaisance is a right and proper state; to be good and kind little children is ingrained (to an extent) in each of us. Even though we should be angry.

I believe knowing that we should be angry, yet having the hum of good and kind constantly in the background, can on occasion create a conflicted state of anxiety difficult to escape. There should always be a degree of uncertainty running alongside the anger to question and temper the anger. But, if a circumstance or an individual or a group delivers an injustice perceived as extreme, I believe one may experience uncertainty of such intensity that they feel compelled to angrily oblige; which is obviously conflicting. In this instance I believe good and kind should be thrown out the window, because good and kind are in the way of moving on.

But if I am able to get past good and kind, how then do I deal with the circumstance? A heart attack or murder are not favorable options, but the anger must be expressed in some manner. If the source of the injustice is an individual within my reach, I may choose rational truthfulness directed at the individual. But if the individual chooses to not listen and/or is unable to comprehend? In this case, the act of expressing truthfulness has helped with forward movement. And if it is an individual, group, or circumstance beyond my reach, I believe that to express rational truthfulness to an empathetic ear will also help in some small measure. And, on occasion, rational truthfulness may find a target and perhaps chip away at injustice.

So far I have simply said 1) throw good and kind out the window, and 2) express your anger verbally and rationally. It seems basic, but since I believe we should be angry, thinking through the process helps me to reconcile various threads of daily anger. This in turn, coupled with a recognition that the source of the injustice is relatively inconsequential to the whole of Humanity, ensures continued functionality.

Some may question the wisdom of daily anger, but if one believes "we should be angry" (as I do), then a process must be implemented to handle that anger. And I would argue that to not understand why we should be angry is to be (at least a small bit) delusional. And I would also argue that rationally processed anger drives learning and adds to wisdom. I would much rather be angry than complaisant.

I believe step 3 is to rationally prioritize. With anger, there will always be a natural emotional prioritization, but while taking that into account I must also consider the potential productivity of a specific thread of anger. This means that on occasion it will appear I have let some things go. This is the process. I am channeling anger toward productive results while actively learning and working toward Truth and Wisdom.

Again, this sounds simple; basic. Yet without these rational reminders, I may find myself in a prolonged state of anxiety lacking productivity, much less learning. We should be angry. And if I recognize this, I must have a process.

Upon reaching...
...stretching
...yearning
I found that the reward
...was ill-named.

Some called it prosperity.

Some called it peace.

Some called it love.

After decades of straining
...and consistently finding it coiled
And ready to strike
I call it
What it is
...Reality

I work part time as a cook at a rehab facility making $9.50 an hour and today a new supervisor came in to check my kitchen at the end of my shift and he was with another supervisor that knows how to talk to people and the new guy started talking about me lumping me in with everybody saying if THEY don't see it they don't clean it talking like i wasn't even there which is disrespectful and i would a lot rather be lumped in with the group he was automatically assigning me to than to be associated with a disrespectful condescending know it all even though it is best to not be lumped in at all so i told him that he had not been with me all day and he did not realize what the day was like and to go look at the freezer i defrosted and cleaned and the storage containers that i cleaned out and the extra day care dishes i did and the outstanding care i gave to our residents because they are the reason we are here and i wanted to tell him to go ask them what they think of the job i am doing and perhaps it would behoove you to actually work a few actual shifts doing what you purport to judge and so what if i missed a few crumbs around the steam table and a few spots on the hand sink and i did not even take a break today partially because the last person did not come down for breakfast until 10:15 and that is wonderful because it gave me more opportunity to talk to the residents and i found out that Charles used to be my bread guy when i managed a convenience store and we have a Jane and a Rachel as residents and my wife and daughter are Jane and Rachel and Amy has a great sense of humor and they are all more than just residents they are people too and i am more than part of THEY i am a people too and your lack of respect and inability to effectively communicate is going to do more harm than the good you believe the lack of a few crumbs will do because you are going to lose a few workers that you see as crumbs and while due to personal circumstance beyond many people's control some may have to smile and keep their mouth shut for fear of losing a job to your power trip i don't because i am only working part time and there are a lot of jobs out there paying a crumby $9.50 an hour so keep up with the ego act and you will be short one more crumb because even though i like working here i don't have to and i have written this entire stream of consciousness in the 45 minutes it has taken me to walk the 2 miles from work to Starbucks and though it may appear to be childish sometimes childish feels good and sometimes truthful may manage to hit a target and somewhere in this 2 mile rant i have also realized that if i were a renter and the new guy was a diabolical new landlord who owned the house i just rented or if i were a below average credit score and the new guy was a creditor or if i were an immigrant and the new guy was Trump then the lesson would still be about how a pretentious narcissistic brute mistakes random circumstance and good fortune as skill and entitlement and exercises power in a heavyhanded oppressive manner reminiscent of unforgiving violent savage days gone by in which might was right and so i guess part of what feels good in this circumstance is that i can be childish and truthful and not worry about being approved or getting kicked out of my house or country so all the new guys out there better watch their step because those you call THEY are gaining in numbers every day bye

It's not really frustration, or weariness. Nor is it anger, or sadness. Though these feelings (and many more) have exhibited over the past 602 weeks, recently a new feeling has been sporadically poking me in the head. I think it may be... boredom? Yes. Perhaps. But, I am not bored with thinking; or writing; or learning; and I am definitely not bored with reading. So what is it? Maybe I am bored with... feelings? Yes. Perhaps. Or, perhaps it is not the specific feelings I am bored with, but the manifestation of those feelings as a passionate desire to Save the World; (Unrealistic? Maybe, but it gives me purpose). Perhaps I am bored with 11+ years of active thoughts, which have become comatose in my head; or on the page. Perhaps I am bored because I have been unable to find a practical, functional, helpful application for my feelings-as-passionate-compassion. Perhaps, instead of thinking and reading and writing and learning and languishing, I must think and read and write and learn and act in a specific role that will enable a reasoned implementation of my energy. I need an outlet. I need a meaningful, full time job.

I have been seeking full time employment for several months, with zero interviews to date. This week, I revised my Letter of Application to include the following opening paragraph:

Dear Potential Employer,

I am currently seeking a full time Office, Human Resources, Payroll, Management, Supervisory, Administrative Assistant, and/or Customer Support position. Before explaining the reasons you should consider me a serious candidate, I would like to address the Elephant in the Room. Since 2006, (with the exception of August 2011 to January 2013), I have not been employed full time. This is due to a disability. I am currently receiving SSDI, but would very much like to cut that cord. As you may know, disability is often awarded based on an inability to perform an essential job function. I have bilateral Meniere's Syndrome. In 1999 I received a vestibular neurectomy for my left ear. In 2006, when the symptoms began in my right ear, I could no longer drive; which, (as a regional foodservice manager), was an essential job function. Since 2006, within my limitations, I have consistently maintained an active lifestyle. And in the past year or maybe two, I have realized a predictability of symptoms not experienced since 1999. According to my doctor and recent research, this is likely due to a combination of 1) a natural plateau in the course of Meniere's and 2) an increasing ability on my part to manage the symptoms. Bottom Line: with a disability, I am ready and beyond willing to return to full time employment.

I believe this newfound predictability has been a major contributor to the aforementioned boredom, and I am actively hoping that this additional explanation will create a sense of responsibility that will encourage an employer to deviate from present-day hiring norms and actually walk the (non-discriminatory) talk. It certainly feels (to me) like there is a barrier; and there is frustration and weariness and anger and sadness surrounding this actuality of a culture that selectively denies contribution based on a technologically-enjoined system of recognition. A system that legitimizes the easy or popular choice. A system that awards based on social context as opposed to (the more relevant) personal depth, desire, life experience, and potential for productive contribution.

Within our system of recognition and award, it is difficult to quantify adversity and its positive impact on an individual. I understand. But it should not be as difficult to quantify effort; more difficult, yes, but not as difficult. I am asking for an equitable comparison between effort made within the context of a job and effort made toward lifelong learning beyond that job context. This would require an employer to look beyond dates, titles, and references and make an effort to glimpse the essence of a non-traditional candidate. This sounds scary; and for some, too personal. But how better to determine the potential contribution of any candidate?

I am confident that a majority of those employers looking at my job interest will not get past a perusal of application and resume, and maybe a quick glance at the cover letter and references. I believe it almost a certainty that very, very few (if any) will dig deep enough to read these words I am currently typing out on this keyboard; yet, if they were willing to put forth the effort, they are here. And by digging this deep, an employer may glimpse the essence of a candidate that may not conform to the system, but regardless, has a tremendous potential for productive contribution.

As previously said, I understand the need for and the advantages of our current system of recognition and award. I understand that it is a system that eases burdens and makes hiring managers happy. And perhaps there is some truth that the system does not discriminate; but based on personal experience, I believe many individual employers do.

How?

This week, I am having considerable difficulty with this particular question. This week, I can oversimplify the answers to the other 5 questions in one sentence or less:

Q1 - Who?
A1 - Me, as in the recognition of a "Me" as your personal mindset, followed by the connective interaction between my personal Me and your personal Me.

Q2 - What?
A2 - The Future of Humanity.

Q3 - Where?
A3 - Here.

Q4 - When?
A4 - Now?

Q5 - Why?
A5 - Survival.

Q6 - If I were to attempt an oversimplification of How?
A6 - ((Knowledge + Learning) x Busyness) ÷ Thoughtful Consideration.

But in a sense, (though it is a single equation), it is not a simplification in that it introduces a complex process in which quantities must be manipulated then calculated in order to determine specific actions. Unless How? does not refer to specific individual actions. Perhaps How? refers to communal action, in which case:

Q6 - How?
A6 - Busyness; or going along to get along; (i.e. Conformity).

No.

No!

I believe How? must refer to specific individual actions. And if this is the case, then I should be struggling with this every week. And I believe I do. It is just that in this particular week, the Here and Now are posing more immediate difficulties. Next week, the Here and Now from this week will either be forgotten or it will have been taken in by Knowledge, which is an accumulation of past learning.

I'd like to examine each component of the How? equation from above.

As just stated, Knowledge is an accumulation of past learning; which includes recent learning, established learning, and doctrine or programmed learning. Learning is the current (Here and Now) flow of knowledge acquisition. Busyness is (as previously stated) essentially a justification of conformity; but Busyness can also serve as a trigger for learning and as a method for avoiding stagnation and/or wallowing. I believe it better to be busy than to be despondent. And finally, Thoughtful Consideration includes objective analysis of both the objective and subjective ramifications to the Who, What, Where, When, and Why. So, I have basically said that to determine How? all I have to do is thoughtfully consider all of the past, present, and future, both within and (more importantly) outside of prevailing opinion, while not becoming overwhelmed by the enormity of the task, and maintaining efficiencies in order to effect the best possible productive resolution.

This helps me to understand that a difficult Here and Now can easily overwhelm.

I also understand that it may be simpler to forego the Learning and Thoughtful Consideration, and focus on the Busyness with a heavy dash of certainty masquerading as Knowledge.

After some Thoughtful Consideration I have determined that my personal How? must include functionally minimal comfort. I believe that each of us applies this standard as frequently as possible. The difference will be in the definition of "functionally minimal." Some may claim an inability to function without their nightly quart of Rocky Road; with chocolate syrup. Some may find within their self an inability to function without their monthly infill and pedicure. Others may (admittedly or not) actively practice an inability to function without the reassurance of unproven conventional wisdom. For me, Here and Now, I need groceries and an acceptable credit score. It is sad that I am required to adhere to an artificial device (currently in place to maintain status quo), in order for me to maintain functionally minimal comfort. I could ignore the invisible magic of property and market economics, but if I do so I will become an outcast with even less influence. So for me, it is mostly groceries and an acceptable credit score.

This written thought process has helped me to determine specific actions within current circumstance, remaining conscious of the "Me" in you, and accounting for Survival and the Future Well-Being of Humanity; Who? What? Where? When? Why? and How? I have momentary direction.