It's not really frustration, or weariness. Nor is it anger, or sadness. Though these feelings (and many more) have exhibited over the past 602 weeks, recently a new feeling has been sporadically poking me in the head. I think it may be... boredom? Yes. Perhaps. But, I am not bored with thinking; or writing; or learning; and I am definitely not bored with reading. So what is it? Maybe I am bored with... feelings? Yes. Perhaps. Or, perhaps it is not the specific feelings I am bored with, but the manifestation of those feelings as a passionate desire to Save the World; (Unrealistic? Maybe, but it gives me purpose). Perhaps I am bored with 11+ years of active thoughts, which have become comatose in my head; or on the page. Perhaps I am bored because I have been unable to find a practical, functional, helpful application for my feelings-as-passionate-compassion. Perhaps, instead of thinking and reading and writing and learning and languishing, I must think and read and write and learn and act in a specific role that will enable a reasoned implementation of my energy. I need an outlet. I need a meaningful, full time job.

I have been seeking full time employment for several months, with zero interviews to date. This week, I revised my Letter of Application to include the following opening paragraph:

Dear Potential Employer,

I am currently seeking a full time Office, Human Resources, Payroll, Management, Supervisory, Administrative Assistant, and/or Customer Support position. Before explaining the reasons you should consider me a serious candidate, I would like to address the Elephant in the Room. Since 2006, (with the exception of August 2011 to January 2013), I have not been employed full time. This is due to a disability. I am currently receiving SSDI, but would very much like to cut that cord. As you may know, disability is often awarded based on an inability to perform an essential job function. I have bilateral Meniere's Syndrome. In 1999 I received a vestibular neurectomy for my left ear. In 2006, when the symptoms began in my right ear, I could no longer drive; which, (as a regional foodservice manager), was an essential job function. Since 2006, within my limitations, I have consistently maintained an active lifestyle. And in the past year or maybe two, I have realized a predictability of symptoms not experienced since 1999. According to my doctor and recent research, this is likely due to a combination of 1) a natural plateau in the course of Meniere's and 2) an increasing ability on my part to manage the symptoms. Bottom Line: with a disability, I am ready and beyond willing to return to full time employment.

I believe this newfound predictability has been a major contributor to the aforementioned boredom, and I am actively hoping that this additional explanation will create a sense of responsibility that will encourage an employer to deviate from present-day hiring norms and actually walk the (non-discriminatory) talk. It certainly feels (to me) like there is a barrier; and there is frustration and weariness and anger and sadness surrounding this actuality of a culture that selectively denies contribution based on a technologically-enjoined system of recognition. A system that legitimizes the easy or popular choice. A system that awards based on social context as opposed to (the more relevant) personal depth, desire, life experience, and potential for productive contribution.

Within our system of recognition and award, it is difficult to quantify adversity and its positive impact on an individual. I understand. But it should not be as difficult to quantify effort; more difficult, yes, but not as difficult. I am asking for an equitable comparison between effort made within the context of a job and effort made toward lifelong learning beyond that job context. This would require an employer to look beyond dates, titles, and references and make an effort to glimpse the essence of a non-traditional candidate. This sounds scary; and for some, too personal. But how better to determine the potential contribution of any candidate?

I am confident that a majority of those employers looking at my job interest will not get past a perusal of application and resume, and maybe a quick glance at the cover letter and references. I believe it almost a certainty that very, very few (if any) will dig deep enough to read these words I am currently typing out on this keyboard; yet, if they were willing to put forth the effort, they are here. And by digging this deep, an employer may glimpse the essence of a candidate that may not conform to the system, but regardless, has a tremendous potential for productive contribution.

As previously said, I understand the need for and the advantages of our current system of recognition and award. I understand that it is a system that eases burdens and makes hiring managers happy. And perhaps there is some truth that the system does not discriminate; but based on personal experience, I believe many individual employers do.