hopelesshappiness.com

It's not really frustration, or weariness. Nor is it anger, or sadness. Though these feelings (and many more) have exhibited over the past 602 weeks, recently a new feeling has been sporadically poking me in the head. I think it may be... boredom? Yes. Perhaps. But, I am not bored with thinking; or writing; or learning; and I am definitely not bored with reading. So what is it? Maybe I am bored with... feelings? Yes. Perhaps. Or, perhaps it is not the specific feelings I am bored with, but the manifestation of those feelings as a passionate desire to Save the World; (Unrealistic? Maybe, but it gives me purpose). Perhaps I am bored with 11+ years of active thoughts, which have become comatose in my head; or on the page. Perhaps I am bored because I have been unable to find a practical, functional, helpful application for my feelings-as-passionate-compassion. Perhaps, instead of thinking and reading and writing and learning and languishing, I must think and read and write and learn and act in a specific role that will enable a reasoned implementation of my energy. I need an outlet. I need a meaningful, full time job.

I have been seeking full time employment for several months, with zero interviews to date. This week, I revised my Letter of Application to include the following opening paragraph:

Dear Potential Employer,

I am currently seeking a full time Office, Human Resources, Payroll, Management, Supervisory, Administrative Assistant, and/or Customer Support position. Before explaining the reasons you should consider me a serious candidate, I would like to address the Elephant in the Room. Since 2006, (with the exception of August 2011 to January 2013), I have not been employed full time. This is due to a disability. I am currently receiving SSDI, but would very much like to cut that cord. As you may know, disability is often awarded based on an inability to perform an essential job function. I have bilateral Meniere's Syndrome. In 1999 I received a vestibular neurectomy for my left ear. In 2006, when the symptoms began in my right ear, I could no longer drive; which, (as a regional foodservice manager), was an essential job function. Since 2006, within my limitations, I have consistently maintained an active lifestyle. And in the past year or maybe two, I have realized a predictability of symptoms not experienced since 1999. According to my doctor and recent research, this is likely due to a combination of 1) a natural plateau in the course of Meniere's and 2) an increasing ability on my part to manage the symptoms. Bottom Line: with a disability, I am ready and beyond willing to return to full time employment.

I believe this newfound predictability has been a major contributor to the aforementioned boredom, and I am actively hoping that this additional explanation will create a sense of responsibility that will encourage an employer to deviate from present-day hiring norms and actually walk the (non-discriminatory) talk. It certainly feels (to me) like there is a barrier; and there is frustration and weariness and anger and sadness surrounding this actuality of a culture that selectively denies contribution based on a technologically-enjoined system of recognition. A system that legitimizes the easy or popular choice. A system that awards based on social context as opposed to (the more relevant) personal depth, desire, life experience, and potential for productive contribution.

Within our system of recognition and award, it is difficult to quantify adversity and its positive impact on an individual. I understand. But it should not be as difficult to quantify effort; more difficult, yes, but not as difficult. I am asking for an equitable comparison between effort made within the context of a job and effort made toward lifelong learning beyond that job context. This would require an employer to look beyond dates, titles, and references and make an effort to glimpse the essence of a non-traditional candidate. This sounds scary; and for some, too personal. But how better to determine the potential contribution of any candidate?

I am confident that a majority of those employers looking at my job interest will not get past a perusal of application and resume, and maybe a quick glance at the cover letter and references. I believe it almost a certainty that very, very few (if any) will dig deep enough to read these words I am currently typing out on this keyboard; yet, if they were willing to put forth the effort, they are here. And by digging this deep, an employer may glimpse the essence of a candidate that may not conform to the system, but regardless, has a tremendous potential for productive contribution.

As previously said, I understand the need for and the advantages of our current system of recognition and award. I understand that it is a system that eases burdens and makes hiring managers happy. And perhaps there is some truth that the system does not discriminate; but based on personal experience, I believe many individual employers do.

How?

This week, I am having considerable difficulty with this particular question. This week, I can oversimplify the answers to the other 5 questions in one sentence or less:

Q1 - Who?
A1 - Me, as in the recognition of a "Me" as your personal mindset, followed by the connective interaction between my personal Me and your personal Me.

Q2 - What?
A2 - The Future of Humanity.

Q3 - Where?
A3 - Here.

Q4 - When?
A4 - Now?

Q5 - Why?
A5 - Survival.

Q6 - If I were to attempt an oversimplification of How?
A6 - ((Knowledge + Learning) x Busyness) ÷ Thoughtful Consideration.

But in a sense, (though it is a single equation), it is not a simplification in that it introduces a complex process in which quantities must be manipulated then calculated in order to determine specific actions. Unless How? does not refer to specific individual actions. Perhaps How? refers to communal action, in which case:

Q6 - How?
A6 - Busyness; or going along to get along; (i.e. Conformity).

No.

No!

I believe How? must refer to specific individual actions. And if this is the case, then I should be struggling with this every week. And I believe I do. It is just that in this particular week, the Here and Now are posing more immediate difficulties. Next week, the Here and Now from this week will either be forgotten or it will have been taken in by Knowledge, which is an accumulation of past learning.

I'd like to examine each component of the How? equation from above.

As just stated, Knowledge is an accumulation of past learning; which includes recent learning, established learning, and doctrine or programmed learning. Learning is the current (Here and Now) flow of knowledge acquisition. Busyness is (as previously stated) essentially a justification of conformity; but Busyness can also serve as a trigger for learning and as a method for avoiding stagnation and/or wallowing. I believe it better to be busy than to be despondent. And finally, Thoughtful Consideration includes objective analysis of both the objective and subjective ramifications to the Who, What, Where, When, and Why. So, I have basically said that to determine How? all I have to do is thoughtfully consider all of the past, present, and future, both within and (more importantly) outside of prevailing opinion, while not becoming overwhelmed by the enormity of the task, and maintaining efficiencies in order to effect the best possible productive resolution.

This helps me to understand that a difficult Here and Now can easily overwhelm.

I also understand that it may be simpler to forego the Learning and Thoughtful Consideration, and focus on the Busyness with a heavy dash of certainty masquerading as Knowledge.

After some Thoughtful Consideration I have determined that my personal How? must include functionally minimal comfort. I believe that each of us applies this standard as frequently as possible. The difference will be in the definition of "functionally minimal." Some may claim an inability to function without their nightly quart of Rocky Road; with chocolate syrup. Some may find within their self an inability to function without their monthly infill and pedicure. Others may (admittedly or not) actively practice an inability to function without the reassurance of unproven conventional wisdom. For me, Here and Now, I need groceries and an acceptable credit score. It is sad that I am required to adhere to an artificial device (currently in place to maintain status quo), in order for me to maintain functionally minimal comfort. I could ignore the invisible magic of property and market economics, but if I do so I will become an outcast with even less influence. So for me, it is mostly groceries and an acceptable credit score.

This written thought process has helped me to determine specific actions within current circumstance, remaining conscious of the "Me" in you, and accounting for Survival and the Future Well-Being of Humanity; Who? What? Where? When? Why? and How? I have momentary direction.

It is funny. I have always thought I possessed the intelligence and capabilities to come into some renown. Precocious, I know. But here's the funny part: Now that I am where I am in my Life, I am deciding that I do not want renown until I am dead. I believe it would mess me up. I want to stay cynical and skeptical and argumentative and truthful. I want to keep saying things that I believe need to be said with no fear of losing comfort and security. In this moment of clarity, I have neither comfort nor security, and therefore, nothing to lose. Each week, each day, each moment, is precarious; and I believe this to be true for each and every one of the 7,617,292,489 individuals here in this present moment. Some just don't ever experience any moments of clarity to help them realize that their comfort and security is delusional.  I believe I have sprinkled a few moments of clarity throughout my written thought and I would like to continue to do so. To come across any type of renown at this point, I believe, would only taint and smear that potential. If anything, I need to become more truthful; more straightforward; meaner; surlier. I want the world to experience exponential clarity; and though I am reasonably confident that my contribution will be miniscule, once dead, I would like that my work receive its rightful amount of renown. Not for me (obviously), but for its potential contribution.

Last week I was focusing on the eyes and working very hard to discern the thoughts of my brand-new 9-day-old granddaughter. This consideration prompted the thoughts above and is driving the thoughts to come. I would like to think that we are going to see, (despite some recent hiccups), continued progress in thoughtful, forward-thinking intelligence. With this in mind, as I was soaking up the energy of this wonderfully new and beautiful baby, I ascribed to her the following thoughts:

Hi New World,

And because you are new to me, I have a lot to do and I have a lot to learn. Thank you for the opportunity. Here in the first two weeks of my Life, between the crying and the eating and the pooping and the hiccuping and the sleeping, I think of how much I would like to know you; all of you.

I am already thinking about two things. For one, I am already learning about precarious. You know, if Life has its way we be upside down more often than right side up. And there will be days and weeks and even years with too much blood rushing to my head; but if I use that surge and flow to think and then do, and then think and then do, and then think and then do, and I don't let all the upside-down just make me do-do-Do-Do-DO, then maybe I come out right-side-up. And maybe not. That's precarious.

I am happy to know that I will have people to help me think because once I figure out these flailing appendages and this surrounding verbal ca-ca, I am going to get busy doing and may forget so much to think. Right now and for the warm, secure time before now, I have lots of thinking. It may not seem that way since I can't yet process meaning, but doesn't that make it more pure; and more powerful. My Grandad says that thinking always loses something in translation, so my thinking right now must be more whole. And so along with precarious, my other biggest thinking tells me to trust. I mean, besides the small matter of having no choice, I think we will think and then do a lot more better, together. I want us to trust and think and do together.

I really, really, really want us all to trust and think and do together. All of us.

Please trust me that my unprocessed, unfiltered, unverbal thinking is from my heart. I mean, where else could it be coming from?

Thank you for listening to me. Now I have to flail and cry and poop and think some more really big and wonderful thinking.

Thank you for listening to me.

I have faith that more and more of our children will be raised to think and then do, together; realizing that thoughtless divisiveness is counterproductive, and will more often lead to upside-down. There are days in which I push myself to experience that contrast between upside-down and right-side-up. There are days, (such as today), when I push myself beyond my typical physical workout. (Typically, once or twice a week, I will walk 3 to 4 miles and swim for an hour-and-a-half. Today, I walked an additional 3 to 4 miles.) I do this because it is a condensed understanding of the transformation from upside-down to right-side-up; and it reminds me that the highs, (even the relatively level highs of normal), are much higher when the lows are lower. It reminds me that the lows can always be lower. It reminds me that if there are no lows, there can be no highs. And it reminds me that the lows are more meaningful as actual experience; (as opposed to vicarious clucks of sympathy).

I am currently rereading "The Gift" written by Lewis Hyde, in which he differentiates between work and labor. Work is more like "Do" and labor is more like "unfiltered, unprocessed, unverbal thinking." Work is typically connected to a job and/or "the machinery of the market" whereas "labor has its own schedule. Things get done, but we often have the odd sense that we didn't do them." Mr. Hyde quotes Paul Goodman who once said, "I have recently written a few good poems. But I have no feeling that I wrote them." Mr. Hyde goes on to say, "That is the declaration of labor. ...we wake up to discover the fruits of labor." [pg. 64] Mr. Hyde's specific point being, that to validate and complete a gift exchange, there must be labor from which the original recipient becomes one with the gift and thereby is able to pass it on. I believe my realization (stated above) that renown / success will taint my (written) thought, is an indication of my personal gifting process. My labor must continue throughout the entirety of my Life in order for me to properly show gratitude for these gifts I have been given. Gifts that of course begin with Life itself (as seen in the eyes of my granddaughter), and have carried forward into love, and learning, and purpose, and passion, and a realistic and active ignorance (of my personal limitations) that allows me to believe I can save the World. Life, love, learning, purpose, passion, ignorance; all of which intertwine into knowing upside-down and (on occasion) right-side-up.

And because I am still diligently working to save the World, I must also consistently recognize and experience highs and lows, and upside-down and right-side-up, and precarious and trust, and divisiveness and interdependence, and work and labor, and hiccups and poop, and all forms of comfort and adversity that will demand a Life that will sufficiently justify and celebrate a Death. I don't believe that my efforts alone will Save the World; (but you never know, so I am compelled to make that effort). However, I do believe that if my efforts were duplicated by even 1,523,557,915 of the (in this moment) 7,617,789,574 individuals in this World, then we would experience exponential clarity and that clarity might yet allow us to Save the World, together.

Life without trust, is more precarious. Trust without Life is more vicarious. I believe that an excess of vicarious undermines, yet (some may argue that) an excess of precarious impairs judgment. I would argue that vicarious encourages conformity whereas precarious discourages conformity. Precarious is a reality. Vicarious is a mind game. By realizing that absolute unconditional trust is precarious, I can still seek a balance of trust, while consciously rejecting vicarious, and I will still know precarious. But within this dynamic of precarious / vicarious, it is not finding a balance; it is not drawing a line; it is not completely ridding myself of vicarious; it is an "ever-shifting, jelly-like, globular whole" in which I must allow precarious to dominate; it is an opportunity for my Death, (i.e. my Life after the fact), to become more meaningful.

"Who do you think you are?"

This is a question that is misunderstood; misunderstood because I believe I can ask it. But no matter how much I would like to ask this of an individual, it is not my place to do so because it is a question that is too easily dismissed.

A common dismissive response:
"Who do you think you are to be asking Me who I think I am?"

Instead of me asking "Who do you think you are?" of another, I should be asking it of myself. I should be asking it each time I have the power to influence another individual. I should be asking it by first empathically connecting with this other individual, and then, (from each respective end of this connection) ask myself "Who do you think you are?" and "Who Do I think I am?" This is of course meant to be an inner reflection on potential abuse of power by asking the same question from differing perspectives.

...not an easy task, because these questions are also easily dismissed.

It is too easy to say:
"I am the one with the power."

...and, (perhaps---(but probably not)---subconsciously), it is too easy to believe:
"Deservingly so."

To factor in opportunity as determined by a plethora of random circumstance, is far too cumbersome. Much simpler to believe

"I am entitled."

...and its corollary

"They are not."

Much simpler to believe

"I am the epicenter of ALL past, present, and future Humanity."

...and its corollary

"They are not."

Much simpler to dismiss

"7 million years"

...and its corollary

"100 billion people."

Much simpler to be

"Oblivious, unaware, ignorant, absorbed, disregardful, distracted, dreamy, forgetful, heedless, inattentive, neglectful, preoccupied, unconcerned, uninformed, unobservant, unwitting."

...and its corollary

"Political."

Memorables from this week:

"You look at certain things and they is just certain things. Look at them another way and certain things add up to one big thing, one terrible thing, all the more terrible because you never add them up before."
(--from "A Brief History of Seven Killings" by Marlon James; pg.180)

Do the math.

"The white bird in the sky is crying.
The kite is high, it's flying - reach it."
(--from my six year old Granddaughter; origin uncertain)

Do I reach for the bird? Or do I reach for the kite? I find it difficult to console (or appease or soothe), and to fly, simultaneously.

"...police come right 'round to where me be and drag all of we to jail... [but] ...This wasn't no police, this was soldier. ...Soldier don't act like we is crime and them is order, soldier act like we is enemy and this is war."
(from "A Brief History of Seven Killings" by Marlon James; pg.185)

To maintain order? Or to make war? The decision is made in the mind and realized on the street.

Is there a thread?

There are things; lurking; between the lines. Between Big and Terrible. Between Crying and Flying. Between Soothing and Reaching. Between Policing and Soldiering. Between Order and Chaos. These are just a few examples.

Crime is not always the Enemy. Sometimes Power is the Enemy. Sometimes Order is the Enemy. Sometimes Crime is just a thing; a definition; a mentality; an unnecessary intolerance. Sometimes the Entanglement is a big thing; sometimes, a terrible big thing.

Between the lines is Not the Enemy. Even when between the lines adds up to a big, terrible thing, it also has the potential to pull us toward resolution. "Just Things" cannot add up to increase, but instead lag behind to bloat power; whereas "between the lines" runs alongside and a little ahead to show the way. So sometimes the Math (that disentangles, adds, and reorders both the things and the in-between) is a good thing; sometimes a terrible good thing.

Moving forward is good; even when it seems to be bad. Running in place is bad; even when it seems to be good. Change; evolve; progress. As opposed to: resist; evade; give up.

It is okay to walk out; as long as I am moving, forward. It is okay to be kicked out; as long as I recognize the future. It is not okay to stay, if I am stuck in today. (Today is yesterday.) It is not okay to stay, simply because I am comfortable. It is okay to stay; as long as I recognize the future, and as long as I am moving forward.