hopelesshappiness.com

In recent weeks I have experienced a frantic sense of urgency that has driven me to think and write with a prolific and powerful frenzy (that feels) recently unmatched. When I expressed this to my wife, she asked if this was a result of (or related to) an impending sense of Doom. ...Maybe. She asked in seriousness, worried, because I have had some heart issues. I had not made a connection before she asked, but because of my heart I am on speaking terms with my mortality; so, maybe this recognition of reality is a motivating factor. I believe that acknowledging my mortality enhances my sense of reality and keeps my ego in check.

Recent personal reading and study has revolved around the effort to discount the ego in order to lessen depression, anxiety and unhappiness, and to support and strengthen spiritual, emotional and intellectual connection. The ego, (i.e. The Self), it turns out, is an obstacle that often gets in the way of progress, both personally and communally. This study and focus and awareness may also be contributing to my recent (personally-perceived) intensity and efficacy.

Unrelated to my heart issues, I have a disability that has kept me from full-time work for the better part of this last twelve years. I am (as of July) back to working full-time. I believe this too to be a contributing factor to my recent energy. I have found this process of reconnection to be joyfully invigorating.

This combination of reasoned recognition, reflection and reconnection, (and I'm sure some other factors unrecognized), have had me on an Autobahn of thought; or, if you will, a high-speed free-thoughtway. But now in this past week I have experienced slowdowns due to speed limits, traffic signs, congestion, speed traps, traffic lights,  road construction, roundabouts, two or three accidents (including a personal fender-bender), speed bumps and sightseers. These slowdowns represent various egos; and not always another's ego - the fender-bender was my fault.

This morning I am scheduled for an alignment of thought and practicality; I am scheduled to meet with THE boss at work. She has been here for less time than I have. She has scheduled one-on-one meetings with every individual in the building. I sit on the lowest rung of this ladder and from here, I very much appreciate her willingness to listen. The questions she posed for discussion include "What do we need to start doing?" and "What do we need to stop doing?" From where I sit I am unable to answer the latter, but I have two strong suggestions for the former. Specifics are irrelevant to this written thought. The specific commonality and relevance to this week's thought is the disabling impact ego can have on high-speed thought, and an examination of the feasibility of resituating (or discounting) egos to accomodate change that has the potential to move us beyond "good enough". I said above that egos can curtail progress, and this is one way: by convincing everyone that good enough is good enough, thus maintaining a comfortable status quo.

I have some control over my ego, but how do I move or discount or sometimes even speed past another's ego without hurting feelings? I can make a "greater good" argument enabling me to be less concerned or unconcerned, but even if I am able to justify another's ego in pain and distance myself from it, at the very least their ego will throw up a roadblock that will hinder their personal advancement and that may also impact other nearby individuals. I can make a justifiable argument for (re)education on the value of increased potential that will come from egoless thought; but as necessary as this is, it is a project and (for an immediate circumstance) a detour. Depending on the circumstance, this detour may be the best choice, but during a prolific period as I have been experiencing, it is a hard choice.

Within the preceding paragraph, I have realized a new consideration. Though I may be sincere and even somewhat successful in my efforts to discount my ego and travel lighter, the presentation of this thought sounds pretentious and can leave an impression opposite that intended. I understand how a traveller weighed down with ego can mistake a lighter, faster, freer traveller as an egocentric show-off and instinctively work to slow them down. An ego does not like to be left behind.

Perhaps the only way to discount the ego in an immediate circumstance then, is to account for the ego. This acknowledgement of another may be as simple as a nod and will likely be more expeditious than avoiding roadblocks or detouring through a process of education. In my mind it is frequently nonproductive to slow down, wave and smile before speeding past, but I suppose in some circumstance it is better to appease and it could encourage another ego to follow in your wake, from where a process of mutual education may result.

And perhaps it would also lessen perceived pretentiousness if I emphasize and encourage the mutual aspect of education, and the speed of egoless thought and its greater potential for quantity of quality while also acknowledging its potential for complexity. An ego will tend to focus on the complexity and its resulting waste because an ego is naturally fearful and prefers the ease and comfort of status quo. This week I have found that if I maintain an active awareness and empathy for strong egos, and if I steadily work on reasoned recognition, reflection and reconnection, this not only helps me to maintain a steady speed and avoid road hazards, but it also helps me to soften my own ego.

And for those times I cannot escape my ego, (my Humanity), perhaps this softened, malleable ego guided by reason will keep me on track.

This week I read the following quote:

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."
--Jiddu Krisnamurti

So many anxieties and so much unhappiness is not a reflection of personal weakness, but rather a normal, healthy, human reaction to a maladjusted society.

Symptoms of this widespread societal disorder include bureaucracy, consumerism, poverty, discrimination, political divisiveness, cost and complexity of healthcare, cost and complexity of education, rates of incarceration, wealth gap, power gap, affordable housing, financial security, and justice; to name a few. Many of these symptoms overlap, compounding the severity of the injury and the length of the suffering.

It is an interesting perspective. Perhaps I am not depressed or anxious or fearful or unhappy; perhaps I am simply Human. But though it is an interesting perspective, it does not relieve my anxiety. "Yayyy" that I may not be the cause of (some or even most of) my unhappiness; it is a short-lived celebration because I am still unhappy. And because it feels like I have less of a chance to solve society's ills than what I might have to solve my own discrepancies, perhaps I am now more unhappy. It doesn't seem fair that my increased anxiety probably makes all those maladjusted-well-adjusted folks feel even more well-adjusted.

So what can I do? For decades we have been conspiring with big pharmaceutical companies to convince humans they shouldn't be human, and that their problems were biological, (in their head), or a combination of biological and psychological, (in their head and in their head). And in fairness a very small number of anxieties are biological, but the majority are brought about by a maladjusted society as described. But big pharm cannot commercialize a fix for society, so they will continue to perpetuate the myth of broken brains to maintain status quo.

Status quo is not acceptable. But because I am not in a position to fix a broken society, (as I stated last week) I will sow seeds. To sow seeds, I must have seeds to sow. Seeds come from plants and flowers. Plants and flowers have a range of characteristics, many interpreted according to personal taste. I find poison ivy to be distressingly irritating; yet there are those who sow these seeds and nurture the vine. I find the tulip to be elegant and well-formed; yet there are those who cannot see its beauty, truth and wisdom. Granted, poison ivy has a built-in system of defense, whereas the tulip is just inviting someone to pick it, but which one is more secure? Which one is more sincere? Which one is more inspiring?

This analogy nicely illustrates a deeper cause of our disturbed society. We have become a culture of individual egos, afraid to let our guard down, and exhibiting our desire for control by punishing those who get too close. When I think about a bank, or an insurance company, or the cable company, or the social security office, it is not a stretch to visualize poison ivy vines crawling over and around and through and within. I just shuddered imagining a bureaucrat opening their mouth and a vine reaching out, circling my neck, and forcing its way down my throat. I may now have nightmares. Is this acute anxiety? Can I get a prescription?

Perhaps humor is one way to decrease some anxiety, and I do see it as another valuable seed to sow, but it takes time for seeds to take root and grow. This week alone I have heard 4 specific references to doctor visits and individual symptoms potentially related to anxiety and/or depression. This is not uncommon; and the individuals are taking corrective action as they should. There should be no stigma attached. But if these individuals walk away from their doctor visits with only a pill and no education, as a society, we have failed; again.

And Big Pharm Wins! Again.

First and foremost this is for myself AND this is for ALL of Humanity. Secondarily this is for those I Love. And finally this is for those I know and for those I have known and for those I will know. I am the same as ALL of Humanity. I am past, present, and future. I am an abstraction. I am a pointillist landscape, undone; redone. I am uncertain, and I am unknowable. You are concrete and whole; defined and knowable. You are here and now. You are evolving into a future full of promise. You are forever etched. Because I am hazy and indistinct, and because you are coherent and comprehensible, I cannot presume to know for you what I cannot know for myself. Thus I must first consider that which is less focused; less refined. I must first consider myself AND ALL of Humanity. I must first bequeath to myself AND to ALL of Humanity.

So what is "this" that I am so dramatically and magnanimously passing on?

"This" is all of my thoughts; including those I have spoken, those I have written, those I have dreamed, those I have reinterpreted, those I have cherished, those I have loathed, those I have held on to, those I am yet to think, and those I have forgotten.

This is not much; I admit. And, this is everything. This is both ends of a spectrum from insignificance to essence; perhaps a circular spectrum; perhaps a snake eating its own tail. The question then becomes, "will I choose to be the gaping jaws or the vanishing tail?" Regardless of my choice, jaws or tail, (and regardless of my perception in any given moment), I remain both, insignificant and essential. And this is why the undone, redone, abstract, ever-changing, uncertain, unknowable content of all of my thoughts is first and foremost gifted to myself and to ALL of Humanity, and the effort and intent (along with any content you may find useful) is secondarily gifted to you; because it would be unjust and pretentious to presume.

But is it pretentious to bequeath to ALL of Humanity? I believe it is pretentious only if I see myself as knowing and Humanity as unknowing. But I am as disordered as ALL of Humanity. I am as ever-changing as ALL of Humanity. I am as myopic as ALL of Humanity. I am the same as ALL of Humanity. So it is not pretentious; it is a necessary reminder of my insignificance, and my essence.

If you were to say, "I agree with all of your thoughts," I would not believe you. I would respectfully suggest that you are lazy. If you were to say, "I agree with certain thoughts as presented by you," I would remind you that I have bequeathed these thoughts to you. Once considered and processed by you, these are no longer my thoughts. Again, I admit, this is not much.

I will continue to question and think and process and pass along. And then I will question and think and process and pass along. If I am struggling, if I am in pain, if I am comfortable, if I am cheerful, if I am conscious, and sometimes when I am unconscious, I can still question and think and process and pass along first and foremost to myself AND to ALL of Humanity.

Then, and only then, to you...

Will Humanity listen? Yes, in its own way. It is difficult for Humanity to hear an individual voice; as it should be. Just as it is difficult for me to hear a broken heel if my broken ribs are screaming. Just as it is difficult for me to hear my head if my heart differs. Just as it is difficult for me to hear reason if my anger intercedes. And, because it is difficult to hear that faint and distant voice, it is also difficult to hear the whole; I am more likely to feel the predominant rhythms and hear the ascendant arguments and then dance to that driving drumbeat. And finally, whether in the midst of an overpowering syncopation or surrounded by its slowly-dying echoes, it is additionally as difficult to change direction. So, if it is difficult to hear an individual voice, and if it is difficult to hear the whole, and if it is difficult to change direction, I will sow seeds.

To many, this week's thought is unrealistic. And as I just now read it again all the way through, I thought, "this is really dumb." (I bequeath this thought to you.) I also thought, "at best it is far too idealistic." And as it regards personal behavior, it is idealistic. I have opinions and give advice on a very consistent basis. But if you examine that transaction, I am able to do so only because you have allowed us to switch roles. You have become an abstraction representing ALL of Humanity, and I have (momentarily) become concrete and whole. Though still presumptuous, the reality is that I am merely sowing seeds. As I transform back into my hazy, uncertain self, I realize that you are likely not so careless as to adopt the content of my thoughts in its entirety. I trust that you will process and reinterpret. So in this sense, this construct of you and I as presented is realistic in that roles are transferable. And I suppose it is also realistic to trust that I will question and think and process before offering to change roles and express opinions.

This transactional trust is necessary for growth. There is much potential for growth, within a seed. This is why, when I am presented with a fully formed thought, (whether mine or another's), I must pick it apart to find those seeds with potential. To digest a fully formed thought whole, is to suppress, confuse, and sometimes destroy potential. Additionally, to digest a fully formed thought whole causes gastric upset that frequently results in a garbled reinterpretation being spewed all over nearby (and often unappreciative) innocents.

I began this post by saying, "First and foremost this is for myself AND this is for ALL of Humanity." When this thought formed it felt spiky and cumbersome. I was uncertain why, other than it felt smugly overconfident to prioritize otherwise. I believe I have smoothed and polished now to where I better understand this web of you and me and transactional trust. Beyond what I have already said, to maintain integrity within this concept of transactional trust, I should add that first and foremost I must constantly question myself as a representation of ALL of Humanity AND I must never be certain that I am more knowing than you. I believe that what appears to be concrete and knowable in this moment is very likely a driving drumbeat, a dying echo, a spewed thought, and/or a full-blown delusion. I must not presume otherwise...

In this week's study I learned the following:
1) There is no unity of time.
2) There is no flow of time.
3) There is no present.
Below is my understanding / interpretation of these three facts.

1) There is no unity of time.

• There is not one single time. There are a multitude of times; a different time for every point in space.
• Because all measurements are relative, the measurement of time is relative; both to a particularity and to other times.
• Time is measured according to the rhythm of place and particularity.
• One place and particularity is so different from any other one place and particularity that it precludes any possibility of Perfect
synchronization thus creating multiple truths.

There is no unity of time; only segmented partiality.

2) There is no flow of time.

• Order only exists from a particularity.
• To focus on a particularity, one must blur their vision to discount all other particularities.
• Order is imposed, from cause to effect, according to a particular measure of time.
• If all particularities are taken into account, there is only disorder.
• Entropy is defined as the flow of order into disorder.
• Entropy is an irreversible process.
• Entropy is a succession or progression of particular times from a lone preceding particular time.
• Entropy is ordered (resolved) by choosing a resulting particular time and discounting all other resulting particular times.
• Entropy creates the flow of time.
• Order only exists from a particularity.
• Therefore entropy is not (just or strictly) disorder.
• Entropy is the process from which we create a changed order.
• If all particularities are taken into account, there is only disorder.
• Entropy leads to only one particular measure of time that has in turn led to this moment of changed order, thus creating a past, the impression of a present and a future.
• There is not one single changed order; there are a multitude of changed orders.
• Because time feels ordered, reality is distorted. In Truth reality is the disordered state of all particularities.
• Reality dispels the myth of changed order.
• Reality exposes the flow of time as a myopic man-made construct.

There is no flow of time; only random relativity.

3) There is no present

• Each moment in time has its past and its future.
• Each moment in time is separate and NOT a part of any other moment; nor is it a part of any other moment's past or future.
• Because of this distinct separation, there is no common present.
• Even within a place or particularity, one cannot move toward the present.
• Any attempt to measure the present will either expose a particular past or reveal one or more separated moments in time.

There is no present; only a particular past, a particular future, or distinctly separate moments in time.

In the analysis above I consider a particularity to be an event or happening. As I have worked to digest these facts to better understand time, I have discovered a confluence. If I shift definitions to account for Humanity, (without which time could not be considered), and substitute meanings as follows:

Time = an event, or a particular flow of events.
Particularity = an individual human.
Measurement = a human perspective or perception.

then I come away with a greater depth of understanding for the concept of time, AND I come away with a greater depth of understanding for a reality applicable to our human condition. I crave order and control. I want very much to believe that I am working toward a greater good. I want the world to make sense. But if I actively accept the reality as presented above, must I change my perspective and desire? Have I acknowledged a reality from which there is no hope? No escape? Or have I perhaps strengthened my resolve, allowing me to volitionally apply a more focused effort toward a more refined greater good? If there is no unity, and if there is no flow, and if there is no present, and if the past and the future are only my past and only my future, then that feels like freedom. A freedom to forgive myself for past transgressions. A freedom to move past perceived ignorance. A freedom from debilitating distress. A freedom from burdensome ego. A freedom to define myself, without apologizing. A freedom to work toward a future that includes Humanity. A freedom to work toward a vibrant future that includes a vibrant Humanity. It is not though, a freedom to seek a black hole and purposefully cross the event horizon. Nor is it a freedom to attempt to superimpose a particular measure of time upon random space inhabited by other distinct particularities. To believe that "no escape" is freedom, or to believe that one specific particular measure of time is THE Grain of Truth, is to believe that Humanity does not exist; because within a black hole or at a granular level, Humanity would not exist.

Yet I am surrounded by Humanity. And if I define Humanity as encompassing all (past, locally present, and future) human individuals within our human condition (as recognized above), and I emphasize Human Thought as an integral component of this definition / consideration, and if I acknowledge the elusive nature of Human Thought, and if I weave Humanity (and Human Thought) into the mesh of the space-time continuum, then perhaps I have closed some gaps, (filled some holes, connected some dots, added some elasticity), that will account for a (sort-of) sub-Planck space-time-Humanity continuum that revives and reestablishes an interdependence between Time, Particularity and Place, thereby asserting and validating the existence of Humanity.

In other words, Planck time and Planck length are the smallest measurements with any meaning. Sub-Planck length and time cannot be measured. Human Thought cannot be measured. And from my learning this week, our inability to measure sub-Planck length and time further threatens the existence of Humanity. Yet we know Human Thought is an actuality. So, according to my understanding , to believe in Humanity I must account for sub-Planck length and time. And, (in the absence of more advanced science), to account for sub-Planck length and time I must believe in Humanity. And to believe in myself I must believe in Humanity. And to believe in Humanity I must believe in myself.

That feels like freedom...
...with responsibilities.

I understand that I have made a considerable leap: from the granular nature of nothingness, to a fortified continuum of space, time and Humanity. And herein lies a danger. Our presence within this continuum may in actuality be weakening it, and unless Humanity begins to take seriously its stewardship responsibilities, this continuum may revert to a less complex space-time-Life continuum or even a simpler space-time continuum. I believe space and time are probably just fine with the granular nature of nothingness.

I am not.

480 Words.