hopelesshappiness.com

I often find the process of organizing my thoughts in written form to be cathartic, and because I am personally (and selfishly) bothered in this moment, I am working toward the completion of this written thought, actively hoping to find this simple act will have eased my unease. If it has not, perhaps it will have given me some reasonable direction.

I am being taken advantage of at work, but I am not disturbed by the fact. I feel very strongly that if an individual does not feel taken advantage of in their job AND if their job performance does not reflect a consistent degree of “above and beyond” that is also consistent with the existential purpose of their job, then they are not performing to standard. A strong understanding of the job’s existential purpose, a strong work ethic, and a strong sense of responsibility leaves one with no other choice than to be taken advantage of. This is okay, and (for me) necessary. By choice, I have almost always felt taken advantage of in the workplace, and I feel this propensity has served me well. So as I said, I am not disturbed by the fact; but I am disturbed by a perceived aspect of the motivation.

In my current circumstance I feel that there is an additional layer of presumptuous imposition. I need to explore to determine if the reason for this additional layer, (as I perceive it), is substantive or imaginative.

I have a disability. To date, since 2006 I have only worked full time for 24 months in two different largely sedentary office positions. The first time (2014) I experienced difficulty. In my current position, I am managing the limitations well. For the past 12 years though, even in the context of the job, I have quietly lived my assigned definition in my assigned place. I believed this job would help me to escape this involuntary consignment.

With that said, I cannot lose sight of the fact that there are many, many other individuals from many, many other groups, who have for many, many years, been given a place, been constantly reminded of their place, and been cleverly kept in their place, to a much greater extent than I have experienced or could even imagine. So though I am (obviously) exposing personal human frailty by playing the “woe is me” card, I want to believe that my ultimate purpose is to extend this thinking to include this much broader perspective.

I believe it possible for “easy” to countermand good intentions. There is coherence in the “squeaky wheel” method of determining priorities. So the question I am asking this week is, “Are the decision-makers so attuned to the high-pitched squeak of high-powered egos that they are conditioned to not see the unease and to not hear the polite and respectful grumblings of an old man with a disability? Or, (in other circumstance), would the same be true of a young man with a different skin color?” I believe I understand that the prevailing opinion is that this old man should be happy to have a place. And he does say he is happy to have this new place, but is that because he has spent many years in a less comfortable place being reminded that he is less deserving? And how does any of this make it okay for these decision makers (inadvertently or not) to opt for easy? And to forgo any sense of urgency? If there is any validity to this line of inquiry, then there does indeed appear to be an additional imposition placed upon this old man that goes against the diversity and inclusion ideals professed by these powers. To presume that one will stay in their place because they have grown accustomed to it is an additional imposition, but it is often unrecognized as such because 1) a presumption is (by definition) careless and 2) we all naturally tend to stay in our lanes.

In my current position I am part of a subcommittee given the task of revising our holistic review process. I am very passionate about the importance of diversity and it is a substantial privilege to take part in this effort. But a nagging sub-question this week is, “How can I fight for equity for others, if I am unwilling to fight for myself?”

I do not want to reduce the demands of my job. I am so satisfied and energized by the circumstance that I would rather live with these doubts than reduce responsibilities. And this is why I am hesitant to act beyond this written thought.

I do not need the decision makers to explain their lack of a sense of urgency (as perceived by me). (If I do act beyond this written thought), I simply want them to consider my doubts and act according to their personal principles; (not according to some organizationally-imposed rhetorical platitudes). And, I want them to extend that consideration and (if there are any) those resulting actions, to encompass others who are also suffering presumptuous imposition.

One of the early management principles I learned from the writing of Stephen Covey was that we spend far too much effort putting out fires and not nearly enough effort taking care of those tasks that are important but not necessarily urgent. This may be more true today than it was thirty years ago.

Finding and resolving presumptuous imposition is important.

Diversity and equity are important.

Holistic review is important.

From where I sit, we are lacking urgency where urgency is most needed and most important.

Or perhaps I am simply an impatient old man

Unable to die, and feeling every bit of the pain as your body is cut into four pieces with a two-man crosscut saw, slowly so as to give the villagers time to rest, and still unable to die, with a painful awareness of each assault from every stroke of every sawtooth, to have your body parts literally carried to the four corners of your land and buried, separately, all while continuing to maintain an awareness of each of your now suffocating quarter-pieces laying in the dark, damp earth, but no matter how you try, unable to gain control over any of your parts, unable to rise up as one to fight the powers-that-be, and still unable to die.

This scenario was presented in a story I read this week and it put me in mind of our circumstance in this country. To maintain power, those powers-that-be divide and separate and they have been doing so since before the birth of our nation. The most blatant examples are of course first Native Americans and then (and still) Blacks. And this division according to color and/or culture, represents the first (and perhaps most tragic) quarter-piece.

The second division includes many (if not most) of those individuals from the first division, and also includes many more who are simply unlucky and stuck; and in the eyes of the powers-that-be, undeserving. For a more complete accounting and understanding of this group, look at our laws, regulations and policies concerning discrimination, and look at the groups represented on the lists of those requiring any form of government aid. Of course these are the poor, both in wealth and in opportunity.

I think of those who are present in both of the first two quarters described above, and I can't help but cringe at their pain from being individually cut in two and then buried separately and forced to remain in both segments.

The third and fourth divisions are not buried as deep as the first two.

The third division is comprised of those who don't care to know, and the fourth division is comprised of those who don't know to care.

Apathy is the main characteristic of those in the third division. Sluggish and slow, as long as they see some occasional sunshine and are fed and watered more regularly than their more deeply buried counterparts, those in this group typically find no cause to rise up and look around, much less wander the land seeking wholeness. They are detached in body and mind. Many actually believe themselves to be comfortable in their dank, dark burrow.

The fourth division is the most favored division. The powers-that-be spend more time with this group because it is this group that is the most easily influenced. These are the followers. Ignorance is defined as a lack of knowledge, learning, information. Members in this group are not necessarily incapable of learning, they simply choose to learn from, (or more accurately, to believe), the powers-that-be and only the powers-that-be. The individuals in this group have linked their identity to the powers-that-be, perhaps believing that they are now powerful by association; and the powers-that-be have returned this favor by cauterizing their raw, cut edges, allowing more frequent sunshine, providing painkillers as necessary, and courting their allegiance to keep them on-board and in-line.

No matter the unctuous elocution, the poor and the unwashed remain buried deep. And by herding the sheep and anesthetizing the indifferent, the powers-that-be are able to keep the poor and the unwashed from rising up to stain the purity of the homeland.

Me. I am paycheck-to-paycheck poor; and lucky to have paychecks. I am poor in opportunity, and poor by association. I am given voice but I am not heard; I am given no place to be heard. I have also spent some time on the fringes of the unwashed, and I am better for the experience. Once upon a time I was a sheep; and as a sheep, on occasion I believed I represented power, but in hindsight I was a caricature, a parody, a joke.

It is good to maintain an awareness of all four quarter-pieces, and it is good to understand that the dividers, those that appear to wander their homeland freely, are in actuality followers. They are not given their power by a higher power. It is not their birthright. They are not more deserving. They are not more moral or righteous; or correct. Yes. The powers-that-be are merely followers who are where they are largely due to a random series of events, and in some cases perhaps partly due to some manipulation of some random events that have presented themselves for manipulation thus giving the individual an impression of control which translates as a feeling of power which in turn is misinterpreted by other followers as righteous or deserving or (at the very least) correct.

So, if the powers-that-be are merely followers, then the remaining majority of followers are following followers, and the reality is exposed as a duplicitous scheme structured to soothe egos and allay fears. The poor and the unwashed, (and for that matter, the sheep and the indifferent), are buried because they represent a fear that is buried much deeper. To embrace all Humanity as one, would mean that the ego would have to acknowledge that we are responsible for us and for the world we live in, and that scares the oblivion out of us because it is so much simpler to irresponsibly divide and separate and follow other followers who (like us) are moral, righteous and deserving.

Until a large majority of us are able to rise up as one:

• Until the indifferent look around and see this smaller majority that needs some help digging out, or
• Until the sheep see themselves as sheep and decide to undivide,

as a whole we will continue to languish and wither until all that is left are followers. And though this is what followers want, for everyone to think what they think and for everyone to believe what they believe, if all that is left are followers, as a whole we will be at one-quarter strength, and one-quarter strength is not enough. Imagine our strength and our potential if four quarter-pieces come together as one; a single focused body unconcerned with cross-cut saws, shovels and burrows.

I believe there will always be some that are indifferent, and I believe there will always be some sheep; and though these two divisions will likely maintain their association and identity for some time to come, more and more I am seeing a willingness to look around and on occasion a willingness to scrape away a little earth and allow a little sunshine to trickle through. We need more. We need kind and caring bulldozers and steam shovels to gently lift our quarter-pieces from their unresting places. The poor and the unwashed have so much to offer and add, and without them we are not whole.

The simple, sad fact that you recognize and acknowledge these four divisions, makes them real. We cannot rid ourselves of this reality by ignoring, refusing to utter, or outlawing these descriptions. Our Past, sanctions divisiveness. Our Present, confirms our past. Our Future, demands bulldozers and steam shovels. Our Future, demands a coming together as one. Our Future, will be decided by you.

Today we are a parody, a caricature, a joke.

Think of a time when you were asleep and dreaming; a pleasant, calm and peaceful dream. Perhaps a dream touched by a friendly yearning, and maybe tinged with a soft, bittersweet emotion. Don't try to remember details. Don't think about the circumstance or the setting, either in your life or in the life of your dream. Just remember the feeling; relive the warm glow, and the gentle hunger...

Got it?...

Now, hold on to that feeling and contrast it with a particular stark and difficult reality; a reality uncomfortable and abrasive, and specific to you…

Hold it...

Hold it...

… … … … …

How long were you able to hold on to your peace? How strong was the disappointment? How wrong was your dream?

Odds are, the dream is to your stark reality, as your stark reality is to the underlying reality surrounding us all. Odds are, in your dream you are living your death, and in your life you are living your dream.

Sadly, it is time to wake up.

To believe that I am in control, and that my life has meaning and purpose, because I (usually) pay my bills on time, or because I perpetuate bureaucracy, or because I have Netflix, or because I identify with us, is to be caught up in the superficial trappings of a man-made, artificial validity that invalidates understanding; that invalidates depth; that invalidates wisdom; that invalidates Truth.

I am embarrassed to think what I think and still sit here quietly, sipping my soup and watching the important busyness all around me. I want to stand up and shout! But of course, I won't. I wonder if there are other like-minded frustrations, sitting nearby, threatening this dreamlike status quo. I wonder if there are other like-minded torments, in this place, in this moment, seeking the company of my torments. I wonder if there are other like-minded uncertainties, wandering, lost, and afraid, in this delusion.

Some would say I am the one living a lie. And under the necessity of my uncertainty alongside their unshakable certainty, I won't argue. But I will continue to believe that to know is to give up and to give up is to die; but to be uncertain is to demand questions and to question is to live.

A certainty is an end.

A question is a beginning.

In the span of my life...

• I have been shut up, and I have been shut down.
• I have been held up, and I have been held down.
• I have been given too much blame, and I have been given too much credit.
• I have been given opportunity, and I have been forgiven transgressions.
• I have been given a place, I have made my own place, and I have been put in my place.
• I have had dreams, I have lived nightmares, I have faced stark realities, and I have been bored.

This ebb and flow is specific to the individual. As a people, as a state or nation, as the entirety of all past, present and future Humanity, there is no ebb and flow; there is only ubiquitous reality and unmindful delusion. This is not to say that we have not evolved and progressed. We have. Rather, this is to say that I must expand the moment beyond simply my moment. I must expand the moment beyond my dream, beyond my death, beyond my life, and beyond this delusion. We must expand the moment to include the complete tapestry of individual past, present and future stark realities.

A daunting task. It is much easier to hold on to my dream, to ignore my reality, and to live my death. No questions asked. No consideration given.

Think of a time when you were awake and questioning; full of wonder and energy, amazed by the magic of possibility, and touched by a vibrant skepticism. Was this today? Or yesterday? Last week? Or last year? Or do you have to reach all the way back to your childhood? Regardless, find that feeling and remember it. Relive the passionate strength, the effervescence, the vitality...

Got it?...

Now, hold on to that feeling from when you remember it at its most powerful, and contrast that with how you feel today.

Today we are living our death.

Imperatively, it is time to wake up.

There are far more important things to write about than me. Yet every word I write, every thought I think, comes through this lens of me; a lens that skews and distorts, then projects and reflects and ricochets off other words and thoughts until it has been molded and shaped into a version of my truth. The best I can do is to 1) make sure that as many ricochets as possible come off others' words and thoughts and 2) choose my others thoughtfully.

I began this week thinking “woe is me” and I began to write accordingly. But then I noticed that woe is also her, and woe is him, and woe is them, and woe is us; so why would I ever write about “woe is me”? But as I thought about it, and as I said in the paragraph above, every thought I think, and every word I say or write, includes an element of “woe is me”. So I asked myself, “why not succumb? Why not go all out Woe?” And I answered myself: “Because my woe is fairly ordinary; not terribly interesting.”

I cannot escape me. I believe this to be much more of a curse than it will ever be a blessing. The in-laws would agree. But of course what I mean is that each one of the (in-this-moment) 7,684,028,395 individuals in this world should also believe (like I do) that their ego is a big old ugly “web-footed sea bird of the family Diomedeidae that has the ability to remain aloft for long periods;” common name: Albatross.

And according to dictionary.com's definition #3, an albatross is “something burdensome that impedes action or progress.”

We cannot see this because it---the very thing we cannot see---is blocking our view. Forest and trees? Yes. Also trees and forest. And disease and symptoms. And cure and blame. And future and present. And for many, present and past, and future and past.

To work to move past this encumbrance, I must first recognize it as such. We have advanced in our respectful recognition of other egos, but I must go beyond this mere acknowledgement of others who should not be punished because they are different. More than anything, this idea of “inclusion” strengthens the idea that the individual, as reflected and defined from the ego, is the ultimate say-so. This practice of “inclusion” prevents me from working past my own ego partly because I must keep it intact in order to mollify and soothe other egos, thus perpetuating a cycle. Don't misunderstand; this idea of “inclusion” is an improvement over the divisive injustice that has been the standard practice for the entire recorded history of Humanity. But, this idea of “inclusion” will never lead me to the darkest reaches of my ego. This idea of “inclusion” will never allow me to circumnavigate, to explore, to discover a way off this island of me. In my mind, this idea of “inclusion” is simply a kinder, gentler version of supremacy.

So should I be satisfied with kinder and gentler? Should we be satisfied with a more compassionate supremacy? Each successive generation can lay claim to being more civilized than the preceding generation. But I don't believe more humane is the same as humane. I don't believe more educated is the same as educated. I do not believe more enlightened is the same as enlightened. And I do not believe more fair-minded is the same as just.

We have to find new ways. I have to learn from others and I have to know that what I know will only serve to impede action and progress.

There are far more important things to write about, and to talk about, and to think about, than me.

The history of this country is a history of tragedy. I suppose I could say the same about the history of our world, but like all good citizens, I want to focus on us; at least for now. From the conquest of the Native Americans to slavery to a civil war to two world wars and a great depression to the ongoing necessity of a civil rights movement to the election of our first black President to the election of Donald Trump, our history is riddled with events that remind us of our national character. We work to assert and maintain our power while at the same time posing as a people of compassion and hope. The election in 2008 of our first black President represents the masquerade; the election of Donald Trump in 2016 brings us back to our truer selves. I avoid naming Barack Obama because I don't believe he purposefully meant to represent false hope. Mr. Obama (I believe) was sincere in his efforts to bring us together as a better people. Donald Trump is sincere in his efforts toward divisive power, and Donald Trump is more representative of America as it is. We won nothing in 2008, and truthfully, we lost nothing in 2016. We are the same.

So what do we do?

I believe we absolutely must embrace our nature. Not to glory in it, but to squeeze the life out of it. Those who pretend compassion and hope, are not helping. There are aspects of our character that we can use to muffle and ultimately suffocate our character. We must first rid ourselves of our compassion for the ignorant and of our hope for re-education, in order to kill off divisive pride, and open ourselves to the formation of a new character.

I believe it is important to have no, (absolutely zero), pre-conceived notions for this new character. All of our energy must be focused on the task at hand. We do not have the luxury of so-called time to be nice. If it is not already too late, too late is around the next bend. And anyway, being nice has never really been part of our character. Being nice is a pretense.

Now for the task at hand. My only suggestion that could be mistaken as nice, (but is not meant to be nice; only serviceable), is a universal basic income; see this suggested draft.

Next, get rid of politics and politicians. There are several ways to do this; none very nice; (here is one suggestion covered in this same previous thought referenced above). Unfortunately some bureaucracy will remain but I believe it can be simplified. And with politics gone, the media will naturally and drastically downsize; as it should be.

Next, we implement a voluntary re-education. With a universal basic income in place, those who choose to be ignorant will at the least be out of the way. The rest of us can come to some common ground and work to save ourselves; and by proxy, we will also save the ignorant.

If it is not already too late.

In my mind, this is the task at hand. Of course I have thoughts beyond mere survival, but I believe it obvious, (though not by our actions), that survival is paramount, and to focus on compassion and hope or hatred and power, (as all of our politicians are doing), is to ignore reality.

So in my mind, this is the task at hand: quell the ignorant masses with a universal basic income, which in turn will ease the conquest and extirpation of politicians and their politics, thus increasing our chances for survival.

If it is not already too late.

When I look back at my thoughts as words here, I feel dread; I feel hopelessness. But I cannot feel these things because these things insinuate and encourage hope; and even the tiniest sliver of hope may keep me from the task at hand. I must reach deep and yank at my brutality; tease it, irritate it, enflame it, and make it rise up and devour any and all hope; first mine and then yours. We cannot afford hope. It is too late for hope. Hope will slow us down. Hope will encourage compassion and/or the pretense of compassion which will hinder progress. Some may argue that hope is necessary. Some may say that without hope we will simply give up. Some will say that without hope and compassion we will be unable to check hatred and power. Some will say unchecked hatred and power will lead to violence. I am not advocating a physical violence; that is not an answer. I believe that a large majority of us will continue to realize a widespread common decency. I believe we can maintain and enforce this decency and at the same time recognize our (false) hope and our (pretense of) compassion as merely a justification for our quiescence and lack of urgency. I believe we can guide and direct our national character in such a way that those who seek simple comfort and warmth will not have to sacrifice their desire; I believe, (if given the opportunity), we can help them in their quest. But for those seeking to move toward Truth and Wisdom, those seeking survival, I believe sacrifice is necessary; first, a willingness to see us as we are - ugly, misshapen monsters; then a willingness to acknowledge our repressed savagery and call it forth to vanquish pretense and ego; and finally a willingness to sacrifice “Me” for the sake of “Us” and “Us and Them” for the sake of “We”. For the sake of the future.

If it is not already too late.