hopelesshappiness.com

This week has been disturbing.

I considered stopping at that: This week has been disturbing.

My surroundings have felt: Dystopian Disjointed Dysfunctional Distant

I have felt: Discomfortable Disoriented Disordered Displaced

It is not that we shouldn't feel the way that we feel, or that we shouldn't do the things that we are doing; we should. What most disturbs me is that we did not feel this disturbed six months ago, and I suspect we will not feel this disturbed six months from now, about:

• Incarceration Rates, or
• Firearm Fatalities, or
• The High Cost of Education, or
• Implicit Bias, or
• The Wealth Gap, or
• The Destruction of Our Environment, or
• The Politicization of our Judicial System, or
• Homelessness, or
• Traffic Fatalities, or
• Evictions, or
• The Working Poor, or
• The High Cost of Housing, or
• Suicides, or
• Explicit Bias, or
• Entitlement, or
• Skewed Prioritization, or
• Pining for the Good Old Days at the Expense of the Future, or
• The High Cost of Health Care, or
• Blustering Stupidity Masquerading as Expertise, or
• The Demise of Our U.S. Constitution.

Again, I am not saying that we are overreacting to COVID-19; we are reacting normally and as we should, considering the fear and uncertainty. Though (understandably) disorganized, we are doing what, in this moment, we feel we must do.

What I am saying is that we are underreacting to many other injustices; and for many of us who see reality for what it is and who see us for what we are, these disturbing feelings, this fear of the unknown, this uncertainty, is how we feel, how we perceive and how we operate, on a daily basis. To see so many others feel this way is… well… I guess… in a way… gratifying to know that we are capable of widespread urgency; but it also adds to the wavery uncertainty surrounding the circumstance. But as I consider how this may impact future progress resolving other multiple injustices, I am not hopeful that we will maintain this universally shared desire to resolve an injustice. I could conjecture that because this particular injustice, (not inflicted by the wealthy and powerful), impacts the wealthy and powerful, (much more so than those injustices inflicted and/or supported by the wealthy and powerful), we are much quicker to respond and react.

I am asked to be positive, and to not be angry, and to focus on this issue because this is where we're at in this moment. I feel like I have to defend myself by continuing to insert into my thought that I understand our fear and uncertainty and widespread urgency and I support our reaction to this pandemic, but I have to believe that we will come through it, and I want us to have learned from these shared feelings so we can maintain a sense of urgency for other injustices that will still be there then and, in fact, are still here now. How can I not be angry when I see the disconnect between 1) the Trump administration circumventing the legislative process through administrative rule changes to cut SNAP benefits for approximately 700,000 Americans to save $4.2 billion over five years, and 2) the same administration and government spending upwards of a trillion dollars for this pandemic injustice. And here, again, I feel I must defend myself and say I support our efforts to work through and resolve this issue; but I can't help but see multiple other opportunities for resolution.

To further illustrate this, in a March 20th article in the Washington Post, Patricia Brown said, “Of course I would've liked to buy groceries sooner, but I'm only getting checks once a month. Once that's gone, I'm broke until the next one comes.” Ms. Brown, a retired courtroom clerk, had to wait until the third Wednesday to buy groceries and by then, “in search of a few basics,” she could not find “spaghetti, ground beef, and distilled water for her sleep apnea machine.” Injustice within injustice.

This is reality for far, far, far more Americans than have contracted the coronavirus. (Again, insert my support for our efforts here.) If you look at the list of injustices above, you will see many that are enfolded within one another, over and over again, creating an entanglement that traps and proceeds to choke the hope and the spirit and the life out of those individuals caught in its snare. And if you look at the numbers, this group of working poor, disenfranchised and underprivileged individuals, is fast becoming a majority of all Americans; but because of their entanglements, they are a silent majority. And while some of them may have found a voice to aid in their battle with COVID-19, unless this battle opens more eyes than I believe it will, (that's my cynical nature), that voice will go silent once the wealthy and powerful have returned us to status quo.

Yes, I am angry. But I also remain actively hopeful.

Facts:
• As of today, March 14, there have been approximately 150,000 cases and more than 5,000 deaths attributed to coronavirus worldwide.
• More than 70,000 of those with coronavirus have recovered.
• There have been more traffic fatalities (approximately 6,000) just in the United States, than there have been worldwide deaths from COVID-19.
• This Flu season there have been approximately 32,000,000 cases and 18,000 deaths worldwide.

I am not saying don't be afraid of the coronavirus. There are a lot of unknowns surrounding it and we should be afraid; it will help us to be careful. But hopefully the facts above will also help us to maintain some perspective.

I cannot and will not say that we are over-reacting to coronavirus. I don't know. But I can and will say that we are under-reacting to a number of other ailments and afflictions; and not just those that have potential for attributable fatalities. Some of these afflictions, (such as ignorance, obliviousness and stupidity), do have the potential for future fatalities, but when that potential and those fatalities come about beyond the lifetime of the individual who is ignorant, oblivious and/or stupid, it is no longer attributable to the individual, and the individual cannot be held personally responsible, so who cares? Right? Even within the lifetime of the ignorant, oblivious and/or stupid, some of these individuals have enough power (i.e. wealth) to deflect personal responsibility onto others who may or may not share the responsibility, thus instigating and perpetuating what ultimately becomes a giant, seemingly endless game of rapid-fire recrimination Pong.

To be ignorant is simply to not know. We are all ignorant in varying ways, and each one of us (regardless of actual or perceived intelligence) is far more ignorant than knowledgeable.

To be oblivious is to choose to not know; a self-prescribed selfish apathy.

To be stupid is to pretend or (sometimes truly) believe to know, creating a mindset leading to actions that are purposeful, selfish, potentially harmful and malicious.

When I am ignorant, (which is frequently), I seek consensus expert opinion.

To be ignorant and to not seek consensus expert opinion is to be oblivious. Though I work to not be oblivious, at times I have no choice but to prioritize and at other times I choose to prioritize.

In my lifetime, I have often been stupid. I am working very hard to make that less so today than yesterday.

COVID-19 may, in hindsight, show that the panic is/was warranted. Again, I don't know. Regardless, I am actively hoping that the experience will move a few more people from oblivious to an acknowledgement of ignorance and its concomitant search for consensus expert opinion. I don't believe though, that it will be enough to move very many, (if any), off of stupid.

It appears that Life is going to slow down for a time. If the tapering of new cases in China is a reliable indicator, we will be disrupted for a relatively short few weeks to few months. I am sorry for those who have suffered and for those who will suffer. I am sorry for those who are dysfunctionally afraid. But I am (again) actively hopeful that this experience will remind us to take nothing for granted and perhaps soften the shell of entitlement so many of us have developed in this remarkable age of comfort and wonder. It would be better to learn from these few weeks of discomfort than to continue our current trajectory and wait for the inevitable few weeks (or months or years or generations) of hardship.

Some may have difficulty understanding how this pandemic is related to our current trajectory. Some years back, scientists were pursuing a vaccine that would or could have put us several months ahead of our current pace for a vaccine for COVID-19. Because there was no urgent need at the time, funding dried up. If it is not a big moneymaker for Big Pharm, it is apparently not a priority. This is reflective of our continuing current trajectory. As long as wealth is the measure of progress, Humanity will stand still. Wealth is a hallmark of stupidity, and comfort is a hallmark of obliviousness; and yes, Humanity is a hallmark of ignorance. But perhaps if more and more of us acknowledge our ignorance we could build a foundation of interdependent intelligence and expertise that would overwhelm obliviousness and mitigate stupidity.

That is a lesson to be learned…
…from this pandemic…
…Now!

I am 60; born on 12-3-1959. This week my wife turns 60; born on 3-3-60. We were both born on a 3, three months apart. We were both born on a Thursday. We have 3 children. Our youngest is 30; born on 1-23-1990. This summer of 2020 we will have been married 40 years. 1-2-3, 2020, 40, 30, 60, 90, 3. The stars are aligned and my life has meaning.

Whatever…

Overheard in a New Orleans area diner this morning: “My mama has 2 girls and my daddy has 3 girls and a boy. I’m the oldest on my mama’s side and in the middle on my daddy’s side.” The stars are aligned and her life has meaning.

Whatever…

I don’t mean to make light of meaning or purpose. We all seek it and we often find it in odd and unusual places; it is in our nature. I do mean to question if it matters. I believe that by seeking meaning and/or working to understand purpose, each one of us questions if it matters. I believe that is the point; the questioning due to the uncertainty.

For my sake, I want to be more clear. Though they are at times used interchangeably, I believe there is a difference between meaning and purpose. For me, meaning is the past and the present; more of the what. And purpose is the future; more of the why. As I perceive my ever-evolving purpose, it helps me to interpret my past and to choose my present day-to-day actions; and it is my actions that create meaning. In this regard, where I find meaning is more definitive, objective and tangible. And because my purpose is both never-changing (in that I am always me) and ever-changing (in that I continue to learn and grow), it is more difficult to define, and more subjective and intangible.

So again, does this matter?

Existentialism, (more simply put than it deserves), is to find meaning in a purposeless universe. For me this means that I find meaning within my day-to-day actions and their accounting. But how can I choose actions without some overriding purpose or (at the least) a definition of Me? If that definition of Me is exclusive to Me, then perhaps the universe is purposeless. So maybe there are different levels of purpose and the most basic level, My purpose, is simply an extension of meaning from the past through the present to the future. And continuing the thought, perhaps in the context of a purposeless universe, I am meaningless. And perhaps in the context of a purposeless universe throughout all of a meaningless past, present and future, we are (as a species) purposeless. So how do I account for, measure or judge my day-to-day actions against this backdrop of nihilistic futility? How can I overcome the overwhelming immensity of All.

If there are indeed different levels of purpose, I believe I am being consistent if I believe that meaning and purpose both matter; though it is conceivable (and perhaps likely) that they only matter within the context of Me. And if meaning is definable, then perhaps it is not a stretch to find meaning in forty years of marriage or in three children, the accounting made more interesting and unique by the year 2020 or by the numbers 1-2-3. The actual purpose, (for me, love as characterized by persistence, hard work, attention, responsibility and a fluctuating uncertain balance of goodness and truthfulness), may be more expediently defined in odd, unusual, interesting and unique ways, but it is still driven and ultimately defined by my perceived purpose in that given moment.

I said it early on – I believe the point of considering meaning and purpose is to question because I am uncertain. I also believe this point, (or synonymously, this purpose), gets lost in that no-man's land between reality and self-ascribed delusion, which explains my consistently fluctuating and uncertain balance of goodness and truthfulness. And it also explains why I am at times overwhelmed by the immensity of All.

So perhaps there is a greater purpose beyond the context of Me: To question; to doubt; to be skeptical and uncertain. And because this greater purpose is included within My (in-this-moment) purpose, perhaps I can further embrace the nihilistic futility, the immensity of All, in order to further enhance my personal learning and growth. Or perhaps, ultimately, I can not. Perhaps instead, one day, I will be overwhelmed and laid low.

Not today.

This week I have been thinking about cheating in baseball. If you have not been keeping up, the Astros were caught. When I first heard about their scheme, I was appalled, as many were and still are. But with a little research, I believe that appalled is an overreaction. Perhaps disappointed and saddened is a more appropriate reaction. There may be no crying in baseball, but there has always been cheating including and often especially sign stealing, which is what has created this latest uproar. It makes me wonder if some of these ballplayers crying foul over the Astros' shenanigans are being disingenuous.

This consternation and uncertainty about how to first define and then react to cheating, can also be applied to our politicians and to our life today in these United States of America. There are many parallels. Knowing that money is power: to be white is to have home field advantage; to have money is to steal signs from second base; and to be wealthy is to conspire with multiple operatives to steal signs from strategic vantage points outside the field of play. Today there are many politicians crying foul over rival's shenanigans. And of course it makes me wonder if many, probably most, and possibly all politicians are being disingenuous.

I believe most of us who are shocked and express outrage when we hear of purposeful violation of rules, do so because we have not been paying attention. And others who act distressed, (most especially those who should so obviously know better how things really work), are disingenuous. With some reasoned consideration, to be disappointed and saddened is a more appropriate reaction, but outrage also serves a purpose. This though, can also become a cycle. From outrage to disappointment to helplessness to the next outrage. And as each cycle passes, a few more drop out, going straight to feelings of helplessness, a shrug of the shoulders, and other more pleasant, less disconcerting distractions. I believe it is important to stay saddened and disheartened. To be distracted is to become okay with the status quo. But if I maintain a realistic constant hum of sadness and disappointment beneath bouts of outrage and the occasional distraction, perhaps I will pay closer attention and at the least vote out those who are most disingenuous, and maybe vote in a handful who are somewhat less so. Baby steps.

One takeaway from this is the reminder that to be wealthy is not only about money or talent or some other critical resource. To be wealthy is also a state of mind. To be wealthy is to feel entitled; to believe I am more deserving and I am better than the rest. And because I AM – taking advantage of the system, (though some may see it as cheating), is simply expediting the inevitable.

Having money, security, and/or some degree of comfort, is also a state of mind. The celebration we see in the dugout after a two-run homer that retakes a lead, illustrates this nicely when in the bottom half of the inning the home team hits their own two-run homer.

And probably the most important reminder for all of us is that home field advantage is also a state of mind. Yes, one can list many tangible factors that may aid in defining the home field, but it is not the tangibles that create an advantage. One's home field creates a state of mind that calms nerves and instills confidence, and it is this state of mind that creates the advantage. And in many instances, (perhaps most), this is a good thing, but it does not excuse overconfidence. Overconfidence enlarges ego and ego demands justifications. And it is not a very big stretch from justifying a greater degree of prestige (thereby influence and control) because it is OUR home field and we were here first, to justifying rules violations that simply expedite future inevitabilities. There are not very many dots to connect between believing in my esteemed prominence and cheating to ensure the integrity of my delusion.

Cheating to ensure the integrity of my delusion. Wow! Is this the ultimate, central and essential reason why we cheat? If so, (since we are all delusional to some degree), how does one not cheat? I suppose we could differentiate degree by the size of one's delusion? And maybe that's what we should measure: delusions. Seeing it in this regard, one with large delusions and access to wealth, will be more inclined to cheat. And if a delusion is a false belief or opinion, then skeptics, scientists and experts will tend to cheat less.

If I am going to cheat to ensure the integrity of my delusion, then I will work very hard doubting, questioning and seeking current scientific and expert consensus. I will not, ever, trust the beliefs or opinions of a politician. I believe the best politician is one who may be a tad less disingenuous with a somewhat smaller field of delusions.

I am sad. I am disappointed. I am disheartened.

It is okay, and at times it is necessary, to be difficult; (i.e. doubt, ask questions, debate alternatives). It is never okay to lack empathy and a reasoned awareness. Of course, the difficulty therein is the ability to balance the (often) frenzied activity of being difficult with the thoughtfulness required for reason and empathy. When I pull back to consider my actions and their impact, I may lose momentum or someone else may pick it up and take it in a different direction. When I charge full steam ahead with little consideration for fallout, I may bulldoze innocent bystanders. So do I risk overthink? Or underthink?

Perhaps this has always been a factor differentiating those who take charge and those who let them; those who manipulate and those who deliberate; those who pretend and those who care. The challenge today though seems to have changed. Instead of stepping back to thoughtfully consider actions and then stepping back in to contribute to the flow, today it feels like one must forego debate, reason and empathy in order to keep up. When I do make an effort toward reasoned awareness, the challenge today is finding the flow once I am ready to step back in. Today those who are in charge are not only bulldozing innocent bystanders, but also the surrounding landscape in order to limit and control those invited to contribute. They are doing this by narrowing the channel, redirecting the flow, and strategically damming certain tributaries, thus reducing and even stopping the flow to some areas and rewarding other areas with an excess. There has always been a contingent of those in charge who work to maintain status quo and suppress rival thought, but today the divide and the numbers on each side are such that it feels less of a back and forth and more of a do or die; less of a give and take and more of a take and take more; far less of an overthink and far more of an underthink; less of a democratic republic and more of an authoritarian oppression. This all feels true on both a small and a large scale. Yet on any scale, to be difficult with no reason, empathy or debate, is not leadership; it is ignorance. And looking at all of this on the larger scale, it feels like we have split our one nation into two competing factions; and one faction has taken the lead. But I am not so sure, today, it would be much different if the other faction were in control. It feels today like this larger divide is so deep and so dangerous, (with no flow or natural growth, and sheer walls in some places, and jagged and falling rocks in other places, and constant tremors and upheaval for those of us standing in the dried-up riverbed looking up), that we may never find our way out. More so than at any time in my 60 years, I am seriously afraid for America; and by extension, for Humanity.

I had an active hope that perhaps the faction working to catch up might pull together and work to unite. At this critical juncture we need someone to stabilize foundations, level floors, shore up walls, carve steps and build bridges. Instead we have Democrats and Republicans.

Bottom line is this: a majority of us must somehow meet in the middle. From the middle, on both the large and the small scale, we must seek and empower moderation. In the second sentence above I said, “It is never okay to lack empathy and a reasoned awareness,” yet that is exactly what is lacking on and in the extremes. But, I don't believe that today our extremes are any more extreme than they have ever been; I believe though that today our extremes (what we used to call the fringes) have become far more powerful than they have ever been. I believe that our progressive-moderate to conservative-moderate middle still represents a majority of Americans, but because the actual majority has also come to represent the conformist-follower-disenfranchised-minority-immigrant-underprivileged-uninformed mass, we have made it easy for the fringes to hijack our power. I can also see why and how the extreme right is ahead. And I am beginning to believe that because of their fear tactics and their appeal to nationalism and traditionalism (i.e. change is bad), and because the moderate left and extreme left cannot come together in the universal oneness that they so enthusiastically espouse on most other fronts, the extreme right will continue to stay ahead. And I am afraid.

The middle is boring, and often appears to be a do-nothing road. But that is where we need to be. Under ideal circumstance, the evolution of our thought should be a slow process. We must start in the middle, carefully feel our way right and left, and (often specific to a single issue) accordingly adjust our position. They will be small adjustments, but over time, (look back 50 and 100 years ago), the middle shifts. Lurching and/or speedy adjustments create vertigo and nausea, though much less so for those at the helm.

I have recently said that radical change is necessary for the well being and (even) for the survival of Humanity. And I believe that. Yet above I claim that change is a slow process; and I agree that it should be. So perhaps I should temper previous statements by saying radical thought is necessary to move us toward radical change before radical action becomes necessary. When it becomes an in-your-face, (for some of us it already is), question of survival, you can bet the majority will be on board for radical change. Yet within our system, it will still take many small adjustments over a period of time. I like our system. I believe a significant majority of us like our system. A constitutional democratic republic suits us well. Today, the faction (i.e. fringe) with the lead is working outside of our system. Today, the faction (i.e. fringe) working to catch up appears comfortable within the power structures created and situated outside of our system. To work within our system, we must work from the middle. If we wait too long, we will have no choice but to work outside of our system. Today we must begin the painstaking, baby-step process, on both large and small scales, of electing leaders closer to the middle; and we must actively hope it is not too late.

In the meantime, we have the Democrats and the Republicans.