I am 60; born on 12-3-1959. This week my wife turns 60; born on 3-3-60. We were both born on a 3, three months apart. We were both born on a Thursday. We have 3 children. Our youngest is 30; born on 1-23-1990. This summer of 2020 we will have been married 40 years. 1-2-3, 2020, 40, 30, 60, 90, 3. The stars are aligned and my life has meaning.

Whatever…

Overheard in a New Orleans area diner this morning: “My mama has 2 girls and my daddy has 3 girls and a boy. I’m the oldest on my mama’s side and in the middle on my daddy’s side.” The stars are aligned and her life has meaning.

Whatever…

I don’t mean to make light of meaning or purpose. We all seek it and we often find it in odd and unusual places; it is in our nature. I do mean to question if it matters. I believe that by seeking meaning and/or working to understand purpose, each one of us questions if it matters. I believe that is the point; the questioning due to the uncertainty.

For my sake, I want to be more clear. Though they are at times used interchangeably, I believe there is a difference between meaning and purpose. For me, meaning is the past and the present; more of the what. And purpose is the future; more of the why. As I perceive my ever-evolving purpose, it helps me to interpret my past and to choose my present day-to-day actions; and it is my actions that create meaning. In this regard, where I find meaning is more definitive, objective and tangible. And because my purpose is both never-changing (in that I am always me) and ever-changing (in that I continue to learn and grow), it is more difficult to define, and more subjective and intangible.

So again, does this matter?

Existentialism, (more simply put than it deserves), is to find meaning in a purposeless universe. For me this means that I find meaning within my day-to-day actions and their accounting. But how can I choose actions without some overriding purpose or (at the least) a definition of Me? If that definition of Me is exclusive to Me, then perhaps the universe is purposeless. So maybe there are different levels of purpose and the most basic level, My purpose, is simply an extension of meaning from the past through the present to the future. And continuing the thought, perhaps in the context of a purposeless universe, I am meaningless. And perhaps in the context of a purposeless universe throughout all of a meaningless past, present and future, we are (as a species) purposeless. So how do I account for, measure or judge my day-to-day actions against this backdrop of nihilistic futility? How can I overcome the overwhelming immensity of All.

If there are indeed different levels of purpose, I believe I am being consistent if I believe that meaning and purpose both matter; though it is conceivable (and perhaps likely) that they only matter within the context of Me. And if meaning is definable, then perhaps it is not a stretch to find meaning in forty years of marriage or in three children, the accounting made more interesting and unique by the year 2020 or by the numbers 1-2-3. The actual purpose, (for me, love as characterized by persistence, hard work, attention, responsibility and a fluctuating uncertain balance of goodness and truthfulness), may be more expediently defined in odd, unusual, interesting and unique ways, but it is still driven and ultimately defined by my perceived purpose in that given moment.

I said it early on – I believe the point of considering meaning and purpose is to question because I am uncertain. I also believe this point, (or synonymously, this purpose), gets lost in that no-man's land between reality and self-ascribed delusion, which explains my consistently fluctuating and uncertain balance of goodness and truthfulness. And it also explains why I am at times overwhelmed by the immensity of All.

So perhaps there is a greater purpose beyond the context of Me: To question; to doubt; to be skeptical and uncertain. And because this greater purpose is included within My (in-this-moment) purpose, perhaps I can further embrace the nihilistic futility, the immensity of All, in order to further enhance my personal learning and growth. Or perhaps, ultimately, I can not. Perhaps instead, one day, I will be overwhelmed and laid low.

Not today.