hopelesshappiness.com

I am worn out. Frazzled. Slick. What have we learned? Anything? Perhaps we have learned that it is not nearly so simple as us vs. them. Perhaps we have learned that it is a multilayered entanglement of factors including acknowledging fear and past or future focus and wealth and power and ego and education and perceived entitlement and urgent intensity and empathy.

If I laid out each of these nine factors as a spectrum with a lower end and an upper end, I believe that the mish-mash mix-up of where an individual falls on each spectrum might provide a clue to their political leanings in this nation's ridiculous division of only two political choices. But I don’t believe that one could objectively determine where an individual falls.

We are all afraid; though many will not admit to being afraid, nor do many of us recognize or acknowledge the manifestation of our fear.

The past is misremembered. The future is uncertain; unknown.

Wealth is a continuum from zero to billions.

Power is directly related to wealth but also influenced by belief and perspective, perhaps moreso than I thought.

Ego is directly related to power but also influenced by the entanglement of the multilayered entanglement of factors.

Education is one part what we have learned (and/or what we think we know), and one part how we have learned (and how we continue to learn). Does it make sense that those with a focus on the past emphasize what and those with a focus on the future emphasize how? Does it make sense that those who are also on the lower end of wealth and power simply do not have the resources (including time) to focus their continued learning in a way that will enable personal progress? Does it make sense that this lack of resources is a consequence (intended or not) benefiting those on the upper end of wealth and power?

Perceived entitlement is a continuum from – each and every individual is as necessary as each and every other individual -to- I am the sun and each and every other individual revolves around me. I believe that as a human it is essentially impossible to act purely from one extreme or the other.

Urgent intensity is a personal intense sense of urgency in which the ultimate objective is unidentifiable, just out of sight and just out of reach, and surrounded by an aura of blurred, semi-recognizable aspirations (still often just out of reach) such as health and wellbeing and opportunity and comfort and security and justice. Those who find or believe these pursuits to be clear and readily attainable are less likely to exhibit any formulation of urgent intensity.

Empathy is urgent intensity as an intense sense of urgency ascribed beyond oneself to others, in a continuum from a significant other or very close family and friends to all of humanity.

The challenge lies in the fact that we lie; not only to others but also to our self.

I am hesitant to admit to others just how afraid I am, and for the sake of my sanity I suppress and ignore that fear. Many claim to be concerned about and working for the future, but our trajectory (actions and results) shows that we are still modeling the moment after an idealized past with very little thought for the future. Wealth and its ever-increasing gap is a lie that speaks for itself. The inconsistencies from words to actions to results exposes the lie in power. It is the ego’s job to lie. We don't know what we think we know, and 'how' is a question that should only be answered by interdependent cooperation. To feel entitled is to work to deceive justice. Urgent intensity (and by default, empathy): again, words, actions, results.

So, in the midst of all of these lies, we find the truth of complexity; a complexity that has created the uncertainty surrounding our future, resulting in a spiraling unpredictability of individual behavior adding to the complexity of the entire circumstance. I interpret the added complexity, the uncertainty and the unpredictability as an overwhelming plea for the simplicity of results; a simplicity that will unfog health and wellbeing and opportunity and comfort and security and justice and ultimately allow us to see a possible future.

I believe it is the complexity of our bureaucratic capitalism that has created this monstrous circumstance, and I believe that it is the words-actions-results lie of urgent intensity (and empathy and future focus) seen over and over again from those with power that perpetuates this monstrous circumstance, and as is, I don’t see that this circumstance will become any less monstrous, so I can only believe (predict) that the unpredictability of individual behavior will become more and more unpredictable.

Enough divisive rhetoric! For the sake of Humanity, it is time for the simplicity of results…

Only 1% care. And of those, only 1% really care. And of that 1% of 1%, they are only able to care about 1%; (I just don't believe that we as humans are capable of moving very far outside the swirling funnel of our self for very long to really care about others much more than 1%; or 10% if you're an optimist; or 49% if you're functionally delusional). Understanding the human need for validation, I optimistically started out writing 10%. But depending on your personal disposition, it could as easily be 0.1%. Or 0.000001%. The point, (no matter where it is placed), is that I am mostly alone. And that is okay because the point applies to each and every one of us.

I am seeking comfort in this and perhaps it comes from knowing that I am not alone in my loneliness; we are each alone together. It is the ultimate equity; though some would argue, claiming a significant other, or children, or parents, or best friends, or 2,000 Facebook friends, or 49% of the vote. And perhaps there are flush times in one's life when one or more of the 1% markers doubles or even triples, but I believe anyone even a little more than marginally functional understands that each one of us, most of the time, is essentially mostly alone.

This understanding forces me to acknowledge that I cannot save the world; but I also understand that if I work hard toward that end, I am more likely to be productive. Productivity though, can be misguided. As generative output, productivity may sometimes result in regress, destruction and death, rather than progress, restoration and survival. So it is probably good that because I am mostly alone, by myself I am unlikely to succeed in my efforts to save the world.

Yet there are a few individuals, drunk on power, in positions in which misguided efforts are not checked by the fact that they are mostly alone. And there are a few small groups that have maneuvered into a place in which they can influence these individuals and intentionally impose and administer a misguided ideology. How did this happen? This is not as much a condemnation of specific individuals or specific factions as it is of a system gone awry; a system that allows the will of a minority to manage the rights of the majority; a system that allows only two parties and the divisiveness they companionably engender and perpetuate; a system that allows the synonymity of wealth and power and the anonymity of me and you. So until we unskew the system, we must choose our representative personnel very carefully.

In this next week we have an opportunity to choose. It appears we have two options: 1) regress or (at best) inaction, or 2) a baby step. It is a shame that because of a system gone awry, we cannot choose the rights of the majority. It is a shame that because of a system gone awry, we cannot choose to begin filling in the wealth gap. It is a shame that because of a system gone awry, we cannot choose education or justice or expertise. It is a shame that because of a system gone awry, we cannot choose verity or compassion or respect. It is a shame that because of a system gone awry, we cannot choose the future. It is a shame that because of a system gone awry, we cannot even choose our Constitution.

The system is skewed and the people are screwed, no matter our choice. And this is the basis of why so many of us will cast our vote for an issue such as gun rights or right to life; or a belief such as the superiority of one race or one religion or one nation; or a longing for the glory of misremembered good old days. And this is the basis of why so many of us will cast our vote for the candidate we are less afraid of. And this is the basis of why so many of us will choose to not cast a vote at all. I understand.

But if, instead of fear, we could bring ourselves to vote from a thoughtful consideration of progress, the future, our survival, perhaps this upcoming week we could take a baby step. And perhaps from there we could begin to unskew the system. And perhaps from there we could extend the lifespan of the human species. Or perhaps it is already too late.

But to believe it is already too late is to squelch productivity, maintain status quo, give up. I refuse to believe it is too late. And because I refuse to give up, this upcoming week I will vote for the possibility of survival and justice and compassion alongside the certainty of politics and power and ego. I will vote for all of humanity alongside unavoidable partisan self-interest. I will vote for the possibility of a rebuilt future over the resurrection of a failed past. I will vote for a baby step forward over a stumbling step backward.

This upcoming week I will vote.

And this upcoming week I will continue to work toward saving the world.

If we all did that, just think what we might accomplish.

It is curious that no matter how much I read, learn, study, write in one week, the next week comes along demanding that I read, learn, study, write even more. I believe there are some who believe they know everything they need to know and don’t want to “waste their time” with more knowledge. Even if reading, learning, studying, writing is a waste of time, (I don't believe it is), I would rather waste time than resources. We live in a world today so rich in relatively easily accessible knowledge, making lifelong learning possible for many (and probably a large majority) of us, why would anyone choose to quit? Why would anyone choose to know with certainty? Why would anyone rest on their self-defined laurels? Why would anyone claim to have expertise when they don't? Why would anyone choose foolishness when they could choose the utilization of resources? We are all fools in varying degrees, but to choose my self over the combined past, present and future intelligence of an entire species is beyond foolishness; it is reckless, it is dangerous, and it threatens our survival.

I got a little sidetracked. I began the paragraph above intending to consider the nature of striving, and the seemingly never ending, inexorable march of days and weeks requiring such effort in the lifetime of a single individual, and the difficulty in continuing to move forward in the face of seeming futility. But perhaps the sideways bunny trail above leading one to certainty and self-congratulations expresses just how difficult it is to move forward. Perhaps the ego is merely waste, vomitus, excrement spewed forth as a result of one being swallowed whole by futility. And perhaps this realization is a first step toward striving toward next week, and a recognition that my days and weeks are numbered, and a strength to continue reading and learning and studying and writing.

I believe that to serve, to contribute, to advance first and foremost requires an awareness of one’s vulnerabilities, which in turn can create an awareness of one’s potential capabilities, which again in turn must always be tempered by an awareness of one’s vulnerabilities in order to hold ego in check. I also believe one must strive to learn within each moment, hour, day, week whether that be through interactive experience, focused effort, or a combination thereof. Ego stunts learning. Those overtaken by ego likely do not expend much focused effort on learning. Those overtaken by ego likely approach interaction as if they know best. Those overtaken by ego cannot serve, contribute, advance.

In a given moment, as a human, any one of us can be overtaken by ego. To strive toward next week and to recognize the definition of my earthly days and to have strength for constant service, contribution, learning, advancement, I must overtake ego. And to survive as a species, we must overtake ego.

We are in a state of disrepair. We are filled with waste, vomitus, excrement that began as ripples of individual fear and has become tsunami waves of pretentious contempt and effluvious malevolence battering us all on all sides. I want to ask, how did we get here? But fear and feelings of futility have always been a thing, so perhaps this is not the question we should be asking. Perhaps we should be asking, how do we get past this debilitating hump of stupidity and ignorance keeping us from an evolution necessary for our survival? I believe comfort is necessary for justice, but how do we find comfort in uncertainty? And how do we find justice in trepidation? I believe those in power should recognize and care for those who are vulnerable, but how do we find compassion in avarice? And how do we find influence in servility? If it is simply a matter of waiting for the old guard to die off, I am not sure we have that much time; today there are many young people in the old guard…

It is curious that no matter how much I read, learn, study, write in one week, the next week comes along demanding that I read, learn, study, write even more; demanding that I ponder, consider, cogitate, wring my hands even more; demanding that I laugh, cry, seethe, scream even more; demanding that I protest, argue, disbelieve, actively hope even more. And the days and the weeks continue to march on; and I believe they will do so even upon my departure; at least for a little while…

I am conflicted. On the one hand I am told to follow the rules. On the other hand I am expected to get a certain amount of work done. Yet one of the rules today is no overtime and the amount of work I am expected to complete cannot be completed in 40 hours. Having spent more of my life in salaried positions than in hourly positions, I have more of a salary mindset than an hourly mindset, so I am inclined to get the work done and to hell with reporting overtime. When the demands and expectations are louder, more vocal, more demanding, more expectant, more urgent than the rules that are just quietly sitting there, what am I to do? Granted, many rules are made to sit quietly waiting to pounce on an opportunity to screw the little guy, but with my mindset and the work that needs to be done, I can't help but to do the work. I am vulnerable. If my immediate supervisors are paying the least bit of attention, they have to know there is no way I am producing what I am producing in only 40 hours per week.

To put someone with a strong sense of responsibility in a position in which they have to choose between getting the job done surreptitiously or failing… For me it is about the job; not the boss, not the supervisor, not the rules, not a few hours here or there, not the recompense, and it is not about me. My email signature includes the words “student support” and in everything I do I am all about process improvement and service; so I am going to do everything in my power to work toward these ends. Shame on the boss and shame on the rules for putting me in this literal damned if I do and damned if I don't circumstance.

In the book “This Life: Secular Faith and Spiritual Freedom” written by Martin Hägglund, I read the following two sentences: “The problem with capitalism is not that it privileges value and social wealth. The problem with capitalism is that it distorts the meaning of value and social wealth.” (p. 260). Capitalism insists that labor time is the measure of wealth yet pretends to be a democracy in which free time, (time in which one can engage the question of what one ought to do and pursue means to that end), is the objective. To survive, capitalism must gain value, and to gain value capitalism must seek surplus value from labor time; thus, because it insists on eating up free time in pursuit of surplus value in labor, what capitalism pretends, (the objective or end is free time), is impossible within the context of capitalism. Granted, technology (an important aspect of capitalism, utilized to gain efficiencies and temporarily increase profit) in theory creates free time, but due to the nature of capitalism and its need for the sustenance of profit and ever-increasing wealth, this theory ultimately creates a reality of unemployment (when workers are replaced by technology) or exploitation (where workers must constantly and continuously produce more). So, aided by technology and its concomitant unemployment/exploitation dynamic, capitalism becomes a self-perpetuating mechanism in which the means, (monetary value of labor time), has become the end. And capitalism loves a good emergency. Throw crises into the mix and the cycle strengthens. The ratio of living labor relative to non-living production is important for growth, and there is nothing like a good-old economic bust or an all-out war to destroy large amounts of capital and help to increase the ratio of living labor thus arresting the fall of profit and beginning a new cycle of growth and profit. Go Team!

If democracy (i.e. free time in which to engage the question of what one ought to do followed by the means and the freedom to pursue that end), is the gold standard, then why have we taken away the means for so many with the commodification of basic human rights such as childcare and healthcare and education? It appears that everything has become a commodity because the survival of capitalism demands it; thus (again) the means, (acquisition of wealth), has become the end. Capitalism creates inconsiderate priorities because it encourages manipulation of supply and demand in order to privilege “the accumulation of profit over the satisfaction of needs and the provision of resources for spiritual development.” (Hägglund, 2020, p. 298). Capitalism is a coercive system working with all its considerable might to force me to live my life for the sake of profit. Democracy, on the other hand, has no value within the context of capitalism and will always take a back seat because its goals are incompatible with the demands of capitalism and capitalism is the puppet master, pulling the strings of not only individual actors but also those of acquiescent systems; which under the yoke of capitalism is pretty much eventually all other systems.

As a subject – Yea, Verily No – as an obedient, subservient captive of capitalism I am required to give my time to feed the monster. I am fortunate that many of my job responsibilities are compatible with what I believe I ought to do. And though I have the security of some work still to do at the end of the day I am unfortunate in that I also still have some week at the end of the pay. I am contributing to the survival of capitalism and suffering from a severe shortage of democratic principles.

Which takes me back to my conundrum of rules vs ought. I ought to serve people by being productive and creating efficiencies and (in this particular job) supporting students. If I follow the rules, I am failing on two of those three counts. If I buy in to capitalism and believe that financial remuneration is the end that I seek, I am failing on two of those three counts. But if I believe in democracy and do what I ought, then I am working toward the end that I seek on all three counts. Do I do what I ought? – (Democracy and damned if I do). Or do I follow the rules? – (Capitalism and damned if I don't). This exists as a conundrum because (again) Democracy and Capitalism are incompatible.

I feel like for much of my life I have battled this imaginary construct of money. I bought into “the American Dream” and I (in all sincerity, though misguided at times) sought meaning and purpose in my life always putting rights and ideals and goodness and justice ahead of financial gain. Many capitalists maintain that because I can choose how to survive without anyone telling me what to do, I am free. But just because I am able to make decisions, does not mean I am free if those choices are guided by a system whose end is not my desired end. Capitalism prefers profit; I work every day toward rights and ideals and goodness and justice; guess who is winning, or more accurately who is losing. So, here I am going into my sixth decade and I have many second thoughts. If I wanted to get along with capitalism, I should have done many things differently. I feel bad for my family because they could be more comfortable right now if I had cozied up to capitalism back then. For myself, the sacrifice is maddening and unjust and enlightening and worthwhile; but if I could do it all again, I would have to think hard about what my choices have done to my family. I don't know. Even if I knew then what I know now, it would be difficult for me to overcome my strong sense of justice. Conundrum.

We are captives captivated by capitalism. Democracy is either an afterthought or just another captive. I don't believe that redistribution is a long-term answer. I don't think communism or socialism or any other “-ism” that has lived and died in our past is an answer. I believe that some current systems of democratic socialism around the world may hold some answers, but I also believe they are merely the leading edge of an evolution that must somehow transform capitalism into an eventual nonexistence; I believe it will be a long, slow, arduous transformation. Nonetheless…

The Security of Capitalism: I still have some week at the end of the pay and I still have some work at the end of the day.

The Failure of America: A widening gap, one side filled with despair; the rich and pretentious pretending to care.

The Dream of Democracy: Provided the means to do what I ought, I choose my own path in a life that's less fraught.

Forgive me for saying so, but I am tough. I am faster than a speeding bullet, (when I am on the world's fastest plane). I am more powerful than a locomotive, (when I control the track switches). And I am able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, (when they are government buildings beholden to me). I am tough because I can afford to rent the fastest plane, and I can wag the dog, and I can change the weather with the swipe of a sharpie. I am tough because I can tell one faction to stand back and stand by and that scares people. I am tough, not because I am tough, but because I think I am tough because I want to be tough and because I say I am tough and because I seek your adoration, and, (though I don't acknowledge or even realize this part of the equation), people who are inordinately afraid need to believe they are tough to believe they are fearless to glory and bask in their fearlessness and toughness with others who are inordinately afraid. I am tough.

I am one of you. I am on the front lines, ground zero, fighting the good fight, giving it my all despite the tremendous pain and trauma caused by these bone spurs; (remember, I am also tough). I am one of you, not because I struggle to pay the rent (or taxes) or put food on the table or go to a job eliminated because of the gross mismanagement of a pandemic, but I am one of you because I understand suffering. No one has suffered like I have, from fake news reports and liars and leftists and women and minorities and immigrants; far more suffering than homelessness or hunger or illness (with little or no treatment) or death. Far more suffering.

I am smart. It is a shame that I have to constantly remind you of how smart I am. Like the time I said, “My two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart.” Or, boasting about my election win, I said it “would qualify as not smart, but genius….and a very stable genius at that!” I could give you many more examples, and I will continue in the future to remind you of how smart I am, because I feel that reassurance is necessary. Just remember, it doesn't matter what you think or what you feel; it only matters what I think and what I feel because I am smarter and I know best.

I am reasonable. As long as you agree with the premise that America used to be a great country when overt bias was a thing and implicit bias was not; as long as you agree that some of us are still more deserving than they are; as long as you agree with my version of reality, I am reasonable. I am reasonable because I live in this present moment modeled after an idealized, misremembered past, with no consideration for the future whatsoever. Join me in my bubble and you will agree with me and you will see how reasonable I am.

I am right. I am right partially because I am tough and I am smart and I am reasonable, and partially because I have been put here probably by God himself to fight for those of you who see how tough and smart and reasonable I am, and it doesn't matter that I frequently ignore or contradict respectful disagreement and facts and experts and science and even myself, and it doesn't matter that I frequently backtrack and unbacktrack and again and again, because if I think it is right to stand in front of a church holding a book no matter what it takes to get there, or if I think it is right to separate children from their parents, or if I think it is right to condone violence or retweet racist memes, I am doing it for you, my loyal constituent, follower, disciple, flock, and I am right.

I am healthy. Never mind my McDonalds feeding frenzies, as I have shown throughout my handling of this so-called pandemic, I know more about health than all the scientists and doctors put together. I prescribe medicines and recommend treatments and flaunt the rules and have done a really tremendous job of taking care of the health and welfare of this entire nation keeping our 5% of the population at a mere 20% of the worldwide deaths. So how can I not be healthy? In fact, just this week, after experiencing coronavirus first hand (due to my flaunting and my expertise), I said, “I'm back because I'm a perfect physical specimen, and I'm extremely young.” Mortality does not apply to me. I am so healthy, I will live forever.

I am smart. Did I say that already? Well, we need another reminder, don't we? Did I mention how I was a brilliant student in the bestest business school ever? I have a “very good brain” and “I'm like, a smart person.” I'll remind you again; soon.

I am a magician. I can somehow make about half the people see things that aren't there and not see things that are there, and I can make the other half so stupid with anger (by simply uttering a magical inanity) that they cease to function. Perhaps it is just sleight of hand, but it works. My greatest trick? I have sawed this nation in half and impaled both halves in such a way that we live and we will continue to move about but it will be a generation or more before real healing can begin. I am a magician and my magic is so strong most of you no longer notice the strings; I know I don't.

I am smart. No, really, I am…