Forgive me for saying so, but I am tough. I am faster than a speeding bullet, (when I am on the world's fastest plane). I am more powerful than a locomotive, (when I control the track switches). And I am able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, (when they are government buildings beholden to me). I am tough because I can afford to rent the fastest plane, and I can wag the dog, and I can change the weather with the swipe of a sharpie. I am tough because I can tell one faction to stand back and stand by and that scares people. I am tough, not because I am tough, but because I think I am tough because I want to be tough and because I say I am tough and because I seek your adoration, and, (though I don't acknowledge or even realize this part of the equation), people who are inordinately afraid need to believe they are tough to believe they are fearless to glory and bask in their fearlessness and toughness with others who are inordinately afraid. I am tough.

I am one of you. I am on the front lines, ground zero, fighting the good fight, giving it my all despite the tremendous pain and trauma caused by these bone spurs; (remember, I am also tough). I am one of you, not because I struggle to pay the rent (or taxes) or put food on the table or go to a job eliminated because of the gross mismanagement of a pandemic, but I am one of you because I understand suffering. No one has suffered like I have, from fake news reports and liars and leftists and women and minorities and immigrants; far more suffering than homelessness or hunger or illness (with little or no treatment) or death. Far more suffering.

I am smart. It is a shame that I have to constantly remind you of how smart I am. Like the time I said, “My two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart.” Or, boasting about my election win, I said it “would qualify as not smart, but genius….and a very stable genius at that!” I could give you many more examples, and I will continue in the future to remind you of how smart I am, because I feel that reassurance is necessary. Just remember, it doesn't matter what you think or what you feel; it only matters what I think and what I feel because I am smarter and I know best.

I am reasonable. As long as you agree with the premise that America used to be a great country when overt bias was a thing and implicit bias was not; as long as you agree that some of us are still more deserving than they are; as long as you agree with my version of reality, I am reasonable. I am reasonable because I live in this present moment modeled after an idealized, misremembered past, with no consideration for the future whatsoever. Join me in my bubble and you will agree with me and you will see how reasonable I am.

I am right. I am right partially because I am tough and I am smart and I am reasonable, and partially because I have been put here probably by God himself to fight for those of you who see how tough and smart and reasonable I am, and it doesn't matter that I frequently ignore or contradict respectful disagreement and facts and experts and science and even myself, and it doesn't matter that I frequently backtrack and unbacktrack and again and again, because if I think it is right to stand in front of a church holding a book no matter what it takes to get there, or if I think it is right to separate children from their parents, or if I think it is right to condone violence or retweet racist memes, I am doing it for you, my loyal constituent, follower, disciple, flock, and I am right.

I am healthy. Never mind my McDonalds feeding frenzies, as I have shown throughout my handling of this so-called pandemic, I know more about health than all the scientists and doctors put together. I prescribe medicines and recommend treatments and flaunt the rules and have done a really tremendous job of taking care of the health and welfare of this entire nation keeping our 5% of the population at a mere 20% of the worldwide deaths. So how can I not be healthy? In fact, just this week, after experiencing coronavirus first hand (due to my flaunting and my expertise), I said, “I'm back because I'm a perfect physical specimen, and I'm extremely young.” Mortality does not apply to me. I am so healthy, I will live forever.

I am smart. Did I say that already? Well, we need another reminder, don't we? Did I mention how I was a brilliant student in the bestest business school ever? I have a “very good brain” and “I'm like, a smart person.” I'll remind you again; soon.

I am a magician. I can somehow make about half the people see things that aren't there and not see things that are there, and I can make the other half so stupid with anger (by simply uttering a magical inanity) that they cease to function. Perhaps it is just sleight of hand, but it works. My greatest trick? I have sawed this nation in half and impaled both halves in such a way that we live and we will continue to move about but it will be a generation or more before real healing can begin. I am a magician and my magic is so strong most of you no longer notice the strings; I know I don't.

I am smart. No, really, I am…