hopelesshappiness.com

Words. Magical. Moving. Flowing. Words. As I walk from the edge of forever into the blackberry kaopotatocake ice cream salad patch and then to the end of a long line of ex tuber ants I ponder the meaning of lemonade. What kind of ice cream!? It looks like pistachio but tastes like chicken. A rather sugary sour milky chicken, but chicken nonetheless. It has to mean something. Right? If I think it, it is so. If I act on it, it is even more so. And if I build barricades and dig entrenchments to defend and protect it, then it must be Truth. Right? Yet I also see that much of what you think and act upon and defend and protect is utter nonsense! Foolishness! Balderdash! Poppycock! Which takes me back to the chicken. But there was no chicken! Only a taste of chicken. So is the chicken real? Another might say the ice cream tastes like alligator. But to me, alligator tastes like chicken. So does this confusion of differing tastes and doubling down on the chicken bring the chicken closer? Make it more solid? Or does it become more distant? More ephemeral? And when it melts? Will the taste linger? Will the memory last? What does ghost chicken taste like? I say the chicken is so! So that must be Truth! Right!? I don't have the time nor do I have the inclination, (which really means I just don't have the inclination), to discuss, examine, analyze your alligator. I have no desire to be a gator shrink. They would just come back from the sewers even bigger and more imposing. And where would that leave the chicken? Trust me. It's all about the chicken. Except when I say it's not. But it's never about the alligator! Unless, on some future lark I say it is. But why confuse things with another bird. It would have to be a whim. So a whim it is. And here I go. It's all about the alligator. Okay. Done. It's always been about the chicken. And always will be. The alligator was a very short-lived fancy. A momentary appeasement. Gone! Begone! Back to the sewer! Down the toilet! Chicken rules! Which takes me back to poppycock. And a pox on both my houses! I have built two houses. One in my mind and one that is my body. No, the heart is not a home of its own; it is a room in the house in my mind; and a different cluttered unkempt room in the house that is my body. The intellect and the spirit? More rooms in my mind. This house in my mind is haunted and cursed with passages that lead to nowhere and stairways that end in darkness. There are some rooms though that are full of life and curiosity and celebration and that hint at the possibility of joy. The house that is my body is in some disrepair; neglected and worn; soon to be abandoned. There is a pox on both my houses. Everything leads to the chicken. The profundity of lemonade. Value. Objectively I am worth 26.9% of the median and less than 4% of the sovereign malefactor. Subjectively, according to me, I am worth much more, but because my appraisal is worth nothing, I am forced to fall back on words and long walks from the edge of forever. Will the darkness lead to light? Or will I step off the landing into a splintered hardwood landscape of lost-and-forever darkness? Or will I step into a falling-forever abyss punctuated by brief glimpses of what-might-have-been? Yes-No? True-False? Multiple choice? Short answer? Essay? How do I salt my potato? Club soda and Gatorade. Two to one? Or fifty-fifty? The bus is a beautiful black-and-gold; if you like that sort of thing. Me? I prefer the wagon. Though I'm tempted by the sparkly nature of the Mardi-Gras floats. And the beastly bug eyes that peek out from behind the balustrade. What about those!? So many butts tossed alongside the road. Abandoned. Lost. Forgotten. Forlorn. Have you noticed there are a lot fewer lipstick-smeared butts than there used to be? That streak of red, or pink. Brazen. Insolent. As if to say “I was once loved.” A frozen block of red beans and rice unearthed from the deepest corner of my Arctic wasteland. A sun so bright I defy gravity. A darkness so complete I am stone. A freckled face so innocent I am (like a thin sheet of ice flying from the top of a speeding car) shattered. A world so twisted up I collapse into my innermost thoughts. A fire so hot my innermost thoughts (still unknown even to me) blister then blacken. From urge, urgency, to devour, ravenously, crunching bones, grinding gristle, with a greasy smile and a promise, for the greater good. And here we are. I don't want to be here. I told myself at the potato I would not go back to the chicken. I am tired of flogging the chicken. But it is fact that for a very short time the chicken was in the pot, now the chicken has flown the coop to once again socialize with other chickens in bigger pots and I am left (in this moment, by licking the sides of the pot) with the taste of an actual real chicken but soon must once again settle for the taste of ghost chicken. Brazen butts and sugary sour milk! The ex tuber ants? They are still waiting in line. Waiting for what? The bathroom! Of course! Waiting in line for the bathroom their mind is on only one thing. They are not thinking about the chicken or the greasy smile. They have to go to the bathroom then back to the blackberry kaopotatocake ice cream salad patch. No time for thuggish thoughts. No time for leafy lemon drops. No time to carry the turtle across the road. This is America.

I am sad. I am inspired. I am active; in my own way. I aspire to learn and grow; yet I do not know to what end. I see many (perhaps most, including and especially my self) rushing here and there in their importance. I see others hushed and still; stagnant? Have they given up? Or am I mistaking their acceptance, their conformity, their acknowledgement, their understanding, their tranquility, their quiescence, for submissiveness? Should I also allow life to drive me? Or should I continue to rush here and there in my (seemingly) futile attempts to drive life? To feed a delusion of control? To disregard and disrespect Life? If my Life could speak for itself, it would probably say, “Do what you want; I know where I’m going. And like it or not, I am taking you with me.” So is my Life one of futility? With a preordained end? If this is the case, or even if I am able to convince myself that my insignificance is significant, I don’t see that I have a choice but to live for the future. But then I must ask, what future? Whose future? My future? The future of my children? And their children? And their children? How far do I descend? To the future of Humanity? Or is the future of Humanity also a futile (or insignificant) endeavor? So maybe the future of some form of sentient Life? Or any form of sentient Life? The future of this planet? This universe? And if the future of all of these options is ultimately futile (or even merely insignificant), then (again) to what end are my efforts?

Freedom. Dignity. Comfort. Peace. Happiness. Purpose. Power. Strength. Clarity. Certainty. Control. Survival. Me. Us. All. What matters? To what end?

These are basic questions.

In an attempt to answer what matters following even one path above, if I am somehow convinced that the insignificance of Humanity is significant, I will extend my thought to ask Is it fair, is it just, that merely due to the lucky fact of when I came into this existence, I am ascendant? In a position of dominance? Controlling influence? Power? Interpreted as superiority? Preeminence? Do we have this backwards? Isn't the governing or controlling influence yet to come? Why must the past dictate the present, (which in the past was the future)? Shouldn't the future dictate today, (which in the future will be the past)? Semantically I would prefer to ascend to the future rather than descend into the future. As a species indifferent to semantics I believe we would prefer to ascend to the future rather than descend into the future. Yet here I am, belittling my descendants; dissing our future. And here we are, unthinkingly, governed by yesterday, misinterpreting today, neutralizing tomorrow.

Following this single thread, the answer to what matters, is, the future. We should act accordingly.

In the workplace, (at least in my workplace), I can tell how important someone thinks they are according to how much urgency their urgencies create. If that someone though extends their thought, they may come to see that it is not their individual importance as much as it is the perceived importance of their request and/or the perceived importance of their powerplace in the hierarchy. And if one continues to stretch that thought there may come a further realization that their thing is not as important as the attention that thing receives from others because of the others’ varying interpretations of powerplace and resolve. How often, for example, will a higher-level power create greater urgency to find a solution so this pain-in-the-ass someone will just go away? In reality, in this scenario, the original someone who made the request is not important, nor is the request. Instead, that original someone is a bully and a pain-in-the ass, and the request, (though possibly reasonable), is simply a pain-in-the-ass. This is an accurate depiction regardless of relative powerplace. For another example, how frequently do lower-level powers work on or accomplish a mandate just to get the pain-in-the-ass boss off their back. Am I saying that productivity in the workplace is driven by this combination of bullying and powerplace? I believe this conjoined factor is a pervasive and constant concern, but perhaps it does not drive productivity in all instances. For example again, when a higher-level power is occupied with bullying on a different front, I may be left with a degree of autonomy allowing for some bully-free, power-free personal production.

I would like to qualify a bit further by reminding myself that stated, reasonable and/or agreed-upon job responsibilities must be considered within this powerplace/bullying dynamic. To bully in the interest of prioritizing agreed-upon responsibilities is not as egregious as bullying for favor or ego or self-promotion or good causes or obvious diminishing returns or anything else for which a case can be made that it lies beyond the scope of those stated job responsibilities.

All that said, I think the conclusion I might draw is that I am most powerful, most important, and (probably in most cases) most productive when left on my own. So why is it important to me for others to see me as important; and powerful; and important. Additionally, I find myself in a bit of a conundrum when I say, “I want to save the world, now leave me alone.” I guess objectively then, as Superman, I want to be discovered and heard, and I want to influence others to act upon my thoughts, but I don't want to know when they do or even that they do? Maybe? But maybe not when I am wrong. One can learn a lot from their mistakes. But digging deeper, I realize that subjectively it would be difficult to avoid my human nature. It would be difficult to only hear about mistakes and not hear about and/or ask after successes. And even if I could, there is still a trade-off: 1) I might miss some potential for learning from my successes; and 2) due to my humanity, I might become discouraged and less productive with only negative feedback or with zero feedback. Damn my human nature. I guess I don't know what I want. I guess I need to find the best proportions of autonomy and socialization to both maximize beneficial productivity and sooth the savage breast that is my human nature. But that proportional balance (at least for me) changes daily. Some days I want to be left the hell alone, and some days I need more lovin'. Damn! Living is hard.

Maybe it is easier to not live by not thinking and not choosing and not learning and not growing. Or maybe I can justify my existence through the urgencies I create. But to live vicariously or as a pain-in-the-ass bully feels less instructive, less inspiring, less meaningful than to live independent of previous living. To this end in this particular circumstance: I have also found that when I am resistant or able to bully back there is a greater chance that the boss will find another front for their bully pulpit. What I must guard against is using this bully-back method for my own favor or ego or self-promotion or good causes. Each and every time I must ask, is the boss right? Recently, by asking this question I have identified a personal affinity for a head-down-barrel-ahead work ethic which (while very productive) encourages bully-back and discourages vision. Vision is an important tool but made more difficult when I am wearing my blinders; (fashionable though they may be). Bullies have very limited to zero vision.

Revised conclusion: though I am most powerful, most important, and (probably in most cases) most productive when left on my own, I am also more prone to limited vision thus potentially less likely to improve process.

Having lived as a bully I have learned that it helps me with my agenda; an agenda built upon a lifetime of entrenched learning. It is time to move on.

Last week I wrote “I am sad that the end result appears to be from nearly every human working so hard to keep every body and every thing in its place and refusing any opportunity for a sincere diversity of perspective and fusion of spirit.” Even those who recognize this as truth cannot help but to contribute (at least part-time) to the (all too human) end result. What end result? Look around. Yes, it is possible that today's end result is temporary; perhaps we will yet find a way to rescue our planet and to save our selves. But it is also possible that today’s reality is the beginning of the end of the end; or perhaps even further along than that. Due to limited experience and exposure, I cannot say with certainty, but it feels like we Americans (in our simplistic, forgetful, unimaginative, judgmental, us-and-them sort of American way) are contributing more than our fair share to this trajectory.

Furthermore, as a human, not only do I feel it necessary to assign places, in return I expect gracious servility from the beneficiary of my wisdom and generosity. After all, you would not otherwise have a place; at least not in my mind. And what more awful fate for you than to not fit into my world.

Yes, there is some bitterness. I will work to temper that moving forward. Perhaps I am disconcerted because I am learning that I also do not fit into my world. And because I do not fit into my world, I am of course having difficulty finding your place for you in my world. Perhaps I am learning that I should not define my world according to who I want where, but instead should allow myself to learn and grow independent of previous learning. And perhaps I am learning that I should allow you to create your own place in my world according to who, where and when you want to be. But this learning goes against my human nature. Instead of making allowances, as a human I want to define you. I want you to see things as I do. I want you to fit according to what I have learned; according to what I know with certainty. I cannot allow you to disrupt what is; even when “what is” is not working. It still is. As it should be? Yes. If it is, it is as it should be. And as long as it is, as it should be, we will never find a sincere diversity of perspective and fusion of spirit.

So perhaps not; (if you have lost track of the question as I momentarily have, I am saying that perhaps what is, is not as it should be). Perhaps I am learning that I should appreciate you for what you do instead of for what you do for me. To appreciate you for what you do for me is manipulative. Right? You may claim subconsciously so, but nonetheless manipulative. But to appreciate you for what you do allows you freedom; releases you from your place (where you do for me) in my world. And to appreciate you for what you do (outside of me and my world) requires me to respect you as you and let go of the simplistic, forgetful, unimaginative, judgmental, you-and-me characteristic of a compartmentalized world in which every thing and every one has its place. In other words, sincere diversity of perspective and fusion of spirit.

Perhaps I am also learning that I should also release me from my place in my world where I do for my worldview instead of doing for me. I am not free when I am tied to my worldview; certain of what I know. Why is it so difficult for me to separate myself from my worldview? Why does human nature insist upon digging trenches in which one can hide from and dodge perspectives that are new and/or different? And how far from my entrenched worldview is the line that differentiates friendly fire from enemy fire? Or am I so entrenched that any contrasting perspective, no matter how slight the difference, is enemy fire?

I suppose that this is a plea; first to my self, then to any one who cares to listen. This human need for complete understanding, absolute authority and unquestioned control has become more and more dangerous as humanity has become more and more powerful. So I am asking that my learning (as laid out above) encourages in me a greater openness to new learning, discourages my entrenched human nature, and contributes to the long-term survival of our species. This is something I can do. This is something that (I believe) must begin with the individual. Human nature cannot simply be outlawed; banished by Royal decree. This new learning requires a multitude of battles to be fought on a number of fronts, but these battles are not, (should not be), assaults on other individuals. Each battle on each front, (home, school, work, community), must be fought with and against one's self. When I interact with you, I cannot force you to free me from my assigned place, and (if you have the advantage of power) I cannot force you to not force me to actively occupy that place. And whatever advantage of power I may have, I should recognize it as such and battle my human nature to withhold and dissolve imperious judgement.

Me having the power to force you to march to my tune does not make it more pleasing to your ear. And yes, your obvious reluctance also grates on my sensibilities. This circumstance in which I have crammed you into your assigned compartment, with arms flailing about and legs stuck out at odd angles, obediently following behind me, is far, far, far from a diversity of perspective. Perhaps it is not possible, perhaps it is too late, to achieve enough of a universal diversity of perspective and fusion of spirit to rescue our planet and to save our selves, but up to and into my final moment it is not impossible, it is not too late, to restore your dignity by freeing you from your place in my world and to restore my dignity by freeing me from my entrenched worldview.

This is installment #6 of a sci-fi serial. Installment #1 was posted 1/23/21; appropriately a numerically-ordered palindrome. Follow the links forward from the last sentence and backward from the first sentence of each post.

Anger. Fear. Joy. Peace. Though I understand these concepts, I have never felt these emotions. I feel Sadness. And I am sad that the end result appears to be from nearly every human working so hard to keep every body and every thing in its place and refusing any opportunity for a sincere diversity of perspective and fusion of spirit.

I am Toby.

Necessary Summary Outline (in case of malfunction / memory loss):

1. Travel from 2223 to 2052.
• This first wave of extraterrestrial future humans (EFH) was followed / tracked to 2060, then retired.
2. Travel from 2231 to 2045.
• This second wave of EFH was followed / tracked to 2060, then retired.
3. Travel from 2246 to 2030.
• This third wave of EFH was followed / tracked to 2042, then retired.
• Divergence 1y30 created in late 2030.
• Revergence of 1y30 observed and documented by hovering EFH ships in 2040.
4. Travel from 2258 to 2025.
• This fourth wave of EFH was followed / tracked to 2042, then retired.
• Divergence 1y25 created in 2025.
• Revergence unknown with certainty though signs of possible revergence were noted by grounded EFH in late 2042 before they were retired.
• Divergence 1y25 became Divergence 2y30 upon meeting Divergence 1y30 in 2030; in turn this Divergence 2y30 became Divergence 1y40 in 2040 when Divergence 1y30 reverged.
5. Travel from 2275 to 2022.
• These years represent current Present Day for both EFH and Earthbound Humans.
• Divergence 1y22 created here in 2022.
• (Assuming) Divergence 1y22 to become Divergence 2y25 in 2025.
• (Hoping for) Revergence of 2y25 before 2y30 in 2030.
6. Uncertainties:
• Revergence of 1y40 in 2042?
• Divergence 1y22 becoming Divergence 2y25 becoming Divergence 3y30?
7. Possibilities:
• Renegade Possibility Track?
• A Rip in the Sheath?
• Distant Alternate Reality?
• Disruption of or Damage to TimePlace Orbital WavePlane?
• Destruction / Disappearance of this Possibility Track?
• Destruction / Disappearance of another Possibility Track?