hopelesshappiness.com

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the houses

The people were hunched over keyboards and mouses

The posts were all hung on the blog with great care

In hopes that the readers soon would be there

Alas though, the mainstream were following threads

From sugar-plum bloggers who danced in their heads

And they in their sweetness, and I in the gap

Encouraging Truth to wake from its nap

When out in the world there arose such a clatter

I sprang from my (twenty-four inch, LED, high def, ultra thin, backlit, wide-) screen to see what was the matter

Away to the Starbucks I flew like a flash

Tore open my latte with style and panache

The steam on the crest of the new espresso

Gave the lustre of mystery to coffee below

When what to my wandering mind should appear

But a small happy thought, and a spot of good cheer

With a little conniving so subtle and slick

I knew in a moment it must be a trick

More rapid than eagles conflicting thoughts came

I nursed them and cursed them and called them by name

Compassion and Anger! Now Patience! Regret!

On Goodness! On Justice! On Worry and Fret!

To determine their meaning! To understand all!

Now clash away! Clash away! Victors stand tall!

As dry heaves that after wild excesses fly

When met with an obstacle; denounce and decry

So up t'wards perfection, the discourse it flew

With new thoughts full of joys and uncertainties too

And then in an inkling, I'd heard quite enough

This prancing and pawing was nothing but fluff

As I drew in a breath and was turning around

Some Happiness lost became Happiness found

It was dressed all in 'Light' from its head to its foot

Yet its clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot

A bundle of joys it had flung on its back

And it looked like a swindler just opening its pack

My eyes -- how they twinkled! My dimples how merry!

My cheeks were like roses, my nose like a cherry!

My droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow

... My mind itched with a thought that it would not let go

This stump of a thought that my mind did bequeath

And this dawning encircled my head like a wreath

It had a broad face and some depth in its belly

This insight, it shook me; my knees felt like jelly

A chubby, plump thought, best not left on a shelf

And I laughed when I thought it, in spite of myself

I think what we want is for Dark to have fled

But it's ashes and soot - there's nothing to dread

The Dark's often mute; just there doing its work

Yet seems that it's stalking, and acting the jerk

It decreases Happiness, everyone knows

Yet Happiness nods and still smells like a rose

So spring from your keyboards, and give Life a whistle

And away worries fly like the down on a thistle

And now I'll exclaim as I write out of sight

HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT

This past week I have shed tears of joy, thanks to the birth of a beautiful new Granddaughter. This is my first Grandchild and I had no idea until this past Wednesday the emotions this event would bring forth. There are no words ...

With that said (or not said, as the case may be), this wave of euphoria that I am still riding has helped me to better recognize and understand the difference between joy and Happiness. Yes, I did catch myself more than once this week, saying, "I am so Happy," yet in reality what I was feeling, was Joy. (I know ... Semantics; but as I have stated throughout this site, Happiness is not an emotion.) Regardless, I think many would agree that emotion can easily distance or even banish reality and rationality, but that is okay because we can also learn from that emotion. When we regain some sense of normalcy (reality) we can build on or from that emotional state to or towards a higher order state of being. From anger we can move towards patience or compassion; from shame or regret we learn to accept humility and we add to our limited wisdom; from grief or sadness we can build towards a greater goodness; and from joy we can increase the length and frequency of our Relative Momentary Happiness.

To My New Grandaughter: I look in your face and feel a warmth I have never felt before. I know we will learn from each other; I know we will grow together; and I know we will add to each others' Happiness for years to come. Thank you for becoming a part of my world, and I look forward to becoming a part of yours.

I have very high expectations for myself and am frequently disappointed. An unfortunate corollary to these unrealistically high standards is their transference to others; thus others often disappoint as well. It is sometimes a struggle to find Happiness in the midst of all this disappointment.

I have tried lowering my personal standards which simply creates greater distress and disappointment, so for now I will continue to work at living up to my expectations. However, I have had some limited success in understanding the difference in others' expectations for themselves, and that is the focus of this post. I need to improve my outlook (attitude?) towards others, and not let their foibles and perceived failures impact my Happiness.

At times I am impatient and have a little bit of an attitude problem. But I know at some level you can relate, as we all have to deal with disagreements and unyielding opinions. The most important thing I've learned is that there is no 'magic bullet'. A lot of what you see/read/hear about maintaining Happiness in the face (both literally and metaphorically) of difficult people is cliche, and you will see some of that below (cliche is cliche for a reason), but I also intend to draw from the Periodic Happiness Table of Elements, and add some additional depth and meaning to the oft-suggested platitudes meant to be 'magic bullets'. After covering these highly original, creative, and copyrighted cliches and platitudes in Steps 1, 2, and 3 below, I will present an unorthodox Step 4 and a last resort Step 5.

ROUND 1

Step 1: Ignore It - Control what you can control and don't agonize over what others control. If you can put it out of your mind, ignorance can be bliss.

Step 2: Think About It - Review the Periodic Happiness Table of Elements and choose some guiding principles and even some crutches that may help you to better understand from the perspective of the idiot ... (Sorry) ... from the perspective of the other party or parties involved. Some of those elements that have really helped me (when I focus) include Compassion, Goodness, Humility, Patience, Gratitude, and Optimism.

Step 3: Talk About It - In Round 1 talk to an objective uninvolved friend or family member whom you trust to be honest and opinionated. Lacking that, talk to yourself; argue both sides and do it out loud (best not in public) so you can hear how it sounds.

ROUND 2

Repeat Steps 1, 2, and 3 in order but with added complexity and depth. In Step 1 for example, you should keep something handy (a book or music works for me) to distract you when you reach that point of non-productive worry over those aspects of the issue you do not control. In Step 2, persist, think alone and in a quiet place, and outline or write down some of your thoughts (continuing to utilize elements of Happiness) to add some meaning to your efforts. And in Step 3 consider talking to an interested or involved party to gain some internal perspective; (perhaps Round 2 discussions should begin with 'neutrals' or 'friendlies').

ROUND 3, 4, 5 ...

Continue to add complexity and depth to each of the steps (1 thru 3) and continue repeating these steps as long as you feel you are making progress. It is in these subsequent Rounds that you should truly give up hope for control where you have none (I am not saying "give up ALL hope"), formalize your thoughts in writing, and share them with those you talk to; again continuing to use recommended elements of Happiness. It is also time in Rounds 3 or above to consider talking with unsympathetic or unfriendly parties involved in the situation; of course, if this is your livelihood, do so wisely. Persistence and Creativity become important guiding principles in these later rounds.

If you find at some point that you are making no progress, and are desperate for resolution, consider steps 4 and/or 5 below; but do so cautiously.

Step 4: Imagination / Visualization - Start by visualizing what you want (best case scenario) and progressively work your way down to what you absolutely don't want (worst case scenario). Naturally as we begin this process you will relate the visualizations to yourself; but to be just, you must also imagine best and worst case scenarios for all parties (individually and organizationally) that are involved. When you begin thinking of worst case scenarios for the 'unfriendlies' a bit of vindictiveness may rear its head, but you must force yourself to extend the visualization exercise to include their immediate family / significant others that will be impacted by your actions; (knowing this could possibly include people you would not want to see hurt, such as children, elderly parents or grandparents, or other dependent family members). If objective justice still calls for action, hard decisions must sometimes be made, but know that you will someday have to answer (at least to yourself) for your actions, and you want to be certain that retribution fueled by anger played no part in them. If you reach this step, THINK UGLY, and be prepared for the consequences; both far reaching and more immediate. This is not an easy or pleasant step. When I think ugly, I am ugly; but it has at times helped me to more objectively understand the big picture and prioritize accordingly.

Step 5: Move On - Physically remove yourself from the situation. When I have resorted to this step as resolution, hindsight has always, without fail, included regret and disappointment. So if you do find yourself here, be prepared to take ownership and know that at least part (if not most or possibly all) of the failure is yours.

These are not final answers; but they are the best I have come up with - So Far.

When I think of Happiness as defined and conceptualized on this web site, I don't know the answers to the questions below.

Is Happiness contagious?

Is Unhappiness contagious?

What role (if any) does humor play in Happiness?

What is the relationship between euphoria and Happiness?

How (and how much) does kindness from strangers impact our Happiness?

Is 'Group' Happiness possible?

Is artificially induced Happiness okay?

Are there too many 'Happiness Gurus' on the web, and do any of them (us?) know what they're (we're?) talking about?

Are there certain types of music that increase or decrease our Happiness or Unhappiness to a greater or lesser degree?

Fill in the blank - "Buying (blank) makes me happy." For me, the (blank) is a book. What is the relationship between that material object, or what it may represent, and my Happiness? Or is it the symbolism found in the act of purchasing that contributes to Happiness, and if so, is that Happiness?

Does busyness enrich our Happiness, or does it just keep us from contemplating our Unhappiness?

Sadness is not the same as Unhappiness. Does sadness impact our Happiness, and if so, how?

As my thoughts evolve, any one of these questions may become a future post.

Two weeks ago in this previous post I identified 6 contributing factors to Unhappiness. Several weeks ago in this previous post I identified 8 ingredients for Happiness, and then expanded upon that with the creation of the Periodic Happiness Table of Elements. I've been thinking this week about the holiday season and specifically why and how it impacts our Happiness and Unhappiness, and have identified various factors and elements from the aforementioned posts and pages that may give us more control, if we choose to heed their advice.

I think the 'Why' (though it is connected to various factors and elements) is effectively explained across the board as simply 'unrealistic expectations.' Throughout hopelesshappiness.com we encourage moderation and a perspective grounded in reality. Disappointment when reality does not match up with expectations, certainly impacts Happiness. In some cases the 'Why' may be centered around other's expectations; you can play through some of those scenarios, either from experience or stories, in your head; (if you've never seen the movie Home For the Holidays with Holly Hunter and Robert Downey Jr, it is a great example of clashing expectations). In our materialistic culture filled with narcissistic marketing ('Narketing') the bar is set high, yet it does not take much to drive many of us over the top in this 'Happiest' (tongue-in-cheek) of Seasons. Unfortunately, even for many otherwise well-balanced people, Holiday Happiness can take on a manic vibe; (I think of nutcracker marionettes on speed).

That brings us to 'How' we whip ourselves into such a frenzy, or depression, and more importantly, how we can keep from doing so; which thinking about it is really the same question - just a matter of degree. Of the previously mentioned contributors to Unhappiness and ingredients for Happiness, the usual suspects that wreak havoc this time of year include Worry, Overindulgence, Squandering, too little or too much Human Interaction, and Superficiality (little or no Complexity or Depth). It seems from about a week before Thanksgiving to a week after New Years, Life takes a prolonged cigarette break, and productivity plummets. This year I am going to make a concerted effort to stay balanced between Thanksgiving and New Years, cut back on my 'too much', and look for opportunities to rev up my 'too little'.

Additionally, the 'too much' crowd should seek those whose Holiday Happiness is impacted by 'too little' and transfer some of the 'too much' in their direction. If you look at the Periodic Happiness Table of Elements you will see this listed as Compassion / Altruism; a suggested Guiding Principle that (I believe) enriches Happiness.

So whether you scale back, spread the cheer and wealth, or simply relax more and avoid the hype -

HERE'S WISHING YOU AND YOURS A HAPPY HOLIDAY SEASON!