hopelesshappiness.com

For the third time in recent weeks, I want to visit this James Baldwin quote: “People who shut their eyes to reality simply invite their own destruction, and anyone who insists on remaining in a state of innocence long after that innocence is dead turns himself into a monster.”

In these posts and pages we have consistently emphasized the importance of accounting for ‘reality’, but I’m not sure we have satisfactorily answered the question – What is Reality? I’m not sure we can satisfactorily answer that question, but I feel pretty certain about the following:

1. My Reality is not the same as your Reality.
2. Reality is Perception which changes with each passing moment.
3. Reality is not a reflection of Truth and Wisdom.
4. Happiness will occasionally find us in the form of Relative Momentary Happiness (RMH) as a result of our search for Truth and Wisdom.
5. Truth and Wisdom are ultimately unattainable constants that we can only hope to get near but will never know with any degree of certainty how close we may be.

From the beliefs as stated above I have come to the conclusion that …

… (I could say something inconsequentially / predictably clever here like) ‘Reality is not real’ (or) ‘Reality is a lie/illusion/conspiracy’, (but I don’t believe that. I believe that) …

Reality is Change. And I interpret what James Baldwin said as ‘those who don’t adapt and those who actively resist the fact of change, are those who invite their own destruction and take a chance at becoming a monster.’ So what does this have to do with our search for Truth and Wisdom, and our desire to experience Happiness? I will attempt to answer this (circuitously) in the paragraphs below.

We tend to like change that we initiate, struggle with change that others initiate, and dislike (sometimes vehemently) change that we disagree with. So typically if we are struggling with or disagreeing with change, emotions come into play which will impede reason and clarity – critical components of Truth-Seeking that should be tempered with a healthy dose of introspective skepticism. Seldom do we gain peace or exude goodness when we are emotional. Even positive emotions (at their best) are simply contagious and while likely harmless they are only helpful for the short-term. Of course numerous short-term periods of positive emotion strung together may seem like one has found the answer to long-term Happiness, but is it True Happiness? Or are we ignoring Reality; (i.e. Change)?

If reality is change, and if we cannot avoid uninvited or disagreeable change, then positive emotion is a false Happiness. To embrace change and inch closer to True Happiness we must first recognize and acknowledge change as self-initiated or uncontrolled/uninvited, and/or disagreeable. If uncontrolled/uninvited we must decide if it is agreeable, during which time we struggle. If we decide any change (self-initiated or uncontrolled/uninvited) is disagreeable, we then have some options. Based on observations of myself (and others) options for reacting to disagreeable change include a) cover it up with positive emotion; b) resist; c) feign indifference or apathy; d) respond with damaging negative emotions such as anger; or e) embrace it honestly and adapt. (I may be missing some, but as stated, these are the options I typically choose from for myself and notice from others.) We are fools (and not in a good way) if we are angered by change, naive if we resist all change, lazy if we act indifferent towards change, and stagnant / ignorant (impeding our chances of learning and growth) if we blithely accept change with (false?) good cheer.

So that leaves option ‘e’ (embrace change honestly and adapt) which I find very difficult. I believe that is the right answer but I seldom get there without first frolicking through one or (usually) more of the other choices. And when I do finally get there I tend to adapt with reluctance and some lingering hurt; (my embrace is not gentle and loving). I am finding that it helps to anticipate the fact of change without getting hung up on lamenting what the change could have been or should have been, or predicting what the change will be or when it will occur. When I focus simply on the fact that change is inevitable and I do not try to manipulate or control all aspects of the future or the past, I adapt more freely and willingly; but I find this difficult to do consistently.

It is okay to plan and think ahead and we should behave in the present with an eye to the future as discussed in the recent post “Time and Happiness” – but when (not if, but when) things don’t turn out as planned, disappointment is a waste of time.

Writing and re-reading this post, it feels somewhat scattered in places, perhaps reflecting my uncertainties and lack of success (not to mention disappointments) in controlling future (and past) realities. We are all faced with choices of how to adapt, often several times in a week or even in a day. I am confident that successfully adapting to change (Reality) with no hard feelings will lead us towards Happiness and help us to avoid our own destruction. But still, I am faced with the challenge of how to practice what I preach.

I don't believe you can just decide to be Happy and it will come about; (keeping in mind that Happiness is intertwined with Truth and Wisdom). I do believe you can decide to be cheerful, and either be cheerful or successfully fake it; and that is okay. In either case (cheerfulness or Happiness) the variables outside of our control that bombard us daily, add a degree of unavoidable unpredictability.

... But that's not what I want to talk about.

When I say 'Decisive Happiness' I am referring to our ability to make decisions and the role this plays in Happiness. Simply put - where one falls on the spectrum of indecisiveness-------decisiveness will vary with each situation, and is to a large extent dependent on how easily you believe you will be able to move past potential regret. In theory, the more important a decision, the more we fear regret, and the more we agonize over the decision. Some though are so afraid to make any kind of mistake (regret) that they seldom make a decision. In reality making no decision is making a decision; but we fool ourselves into thinking that if something goes wrong as a result of our 'no decision' we can blame someone else. If this is familiar we should prompt ourselves to move past this indecision with the reminder that we learn more from our mistakes than from our successes; (I learn a lot every day).

So if procrastination or 'no decision' cannot be used as an excuse, the challenge remains to properly balance the agonizing indecisiveness that comes pre-decision with any regret that may come post-decision. In other words we must weigh potential consequences (the importance of the decision) and appropriately debate, research, and seek Wisdom so if we do make a mistake, regret is minimized and we can more quickly move on. Obviously, the more important a decision, the more care that must be taken; i.e. the more patience we must have with due diligence. We only need to take care that it is an 'active' patience and not procrastination disguised as patience.

... But that's not what I want to talk about; (though I think we're getting close).

Studies show that we (humans) tend to assign more value to present/here and now rewards than we do to future rewards. Additionally we typically deflate future benefits when weighed against present cost. Diet and exercise are perfect examples: we want ice cream today (present) and plan to diet tomorrow (future). Some studies show that future value is generally devalued by half its actual benefit, so if exercise has a present cost of 6 and the future benefits of exercise are in reality valued at 8, we will perceive that future value as a 4; therefore we do not exercise, thinking that the (present) cost is greater than the (future) benefit.

... And that's what I want to talk about.

When we make a decision we must take into account the future and value it properly. Patience as Willpower will lead us to more beneficial decisions, closer to Truth and Wisdom and Happiness. And not just us, but those around us as well. If we are in a position to make decisions that impact others we are obligated to utilize strength, discipline, and patience as willpower to lead by example, thus moving us all towards Happiness. If we are indecisive due to procrastination (or worse - apathy) disguised as patience or due diligence, the results are at best counter-productive and at worst destructive.

Patience as Willpower.

... And that's what I'm talking about!

The Urban Dictionary defines happathy as 'a state of cheerful indifference'. My definition of happathy: to exude cheerfulness by (or while) ignoring or being oblivious to reality. At first glance the two definitions are very similar but I am meaning to differentiate passionate, purposeful apathy ("by ignoring ... reality") from adaptive, temporary apathy ("while ignoring ... reality").

Earlier this week when I first considered writing about the relationship between apathy and happiness (or Happiness) I intended this post to be a scathing condemnation of those who seem to go through life oblivious to reality-based suffering; those who are passionate about their apathy. I remembered the first part of a James Baldwin quote from a previous post where he says, "people who shut their eyes to reality simply invite their own destruction ..." And I hoped to connect the dots from there to why many of us seem to settle for happiness over Happiness (i.e. Truth and Wisdom). But then I realized that I also practice happathy; though I would like to think that my happathy is of the adaptive, temporary variety. I believe anyone who interacts at any level with other people in public or in the workplace practices happathy of one form or another, and to varying degrees. It is an unavoidable nicety that some think necessary (though I might argue) to jump-start more meaningful communications and relationships. So if this clever phraseology has turned upon me, who am I to judge?

I don't know how many of the seemingly 'happy' people I run across each day actually go home and act towards inner peace and exoteric goodness adding to their Truth and Wisdom, but I suspect there are more than I suspect as I am going through my day. I also don't know how many go out and drown sorrows in more sorrows; or how many go somewhere (or nowhere) and contemplate loneliness or illness or worse. Again, who am I to judge?

Despite this insight (which should have probably been more obvious) I still maintain that we should not go through life on cruise control. (Qualifying everything below with everything above) I see a lack of concern; a lack of compassion; a lack of interest; a lack of passion. Perhaps some people compartmentalize, but I maintain we should show more of these 'lacking' characteristics every opportunity we have. Yes, we act differently (and should) around strangers than around acquaintances, and around friends than around close friends and family. Yet we should still exhibit behaviors in all facets of Life that are consistent with our quest for True Happiness.

So the adaptive, temporary kind of happathy is okay. It helps us get through our days and while (likely) not a major contributor to Happiness, if used in moderation for short periods of time, and balanced between reality and our Search ... it's okay.

I have been sad this week. I saw a homeless person talking to herself and crying at 11pm on a cold, snowy night; and I sold a house which in this real estate market should bring joy but makes me sad because it is 800 miles away in a place I really liked and it signifies the closing of a chapter of my life I enjoyed. And when I look at these two occurrences, it 'really, really' makes me sad that I have spent more time selfishly bemoaning the fact that I no longer have a house, than I have making any kind of a positive difference in the world around me. I am trying to reconcile this sadness with Happiness; it is difficult.

When sadness hangs on as it has this week, is there a way to speed its passing and still do it justice? Or will I be better to let it run its course? Sadness has its place. It (like other reality-based suffering) gives Life meaning and in doing so (I believe) brings us closer to Happiness. But there comes a point ...

At the moment I am sitting in a coffee shop, and listening to coffee shop music, animated conversation, and one particularly distinctive, infectious laugh. In these surroundings I find myself less selfishly sad and more reflective and accepting of the ways of the world; (still sad for those less fortunate, but realistic). Throughout this past week I spent a majority of my time working and thinking alone. Is the answer this obvious? Just a proper mix of being alone and being together? Perhaps so ...

I am going to do some 'good' this coming week ...

When most of us think about time we picture the past behind us and the future ahead of us, but there are some that when asked about their past point forward, seemingly because they can see the past. For them the future is coming from their blind side; (behind them). According to studies this perspective leads to less worries about the future and the ability to smile through adversity (good cheer), but whether it is the future (quickly) sneaking up from behind and flowing past, or this flow of time is carrying us forward into the future, it seems most perspectives are analogous to a stream (water) that moves without end. Even definitions of Time revolve around the central idea that time is motion; and if you consider how we define time in everyday activities and discussions it is typically in terms of events that have happened or that we project will happen as we are carried forward by time. It is very difficult to measure time when nothing happens which is perhaps one reason why it is associated so closely with movement.

These perspectives, analogies, and definitions are very interesting, but I don't see them leading us to more frequent or longer-lasting moments of Happiness. I acknowledge many greater minds regarding the study of 'Time' so the argument I am about to put forth is strictly theoretical for the purpose of advancing Happiness. It is simply an alternative perspective that may help to balance past, present, and future with our search for meaning and our desire to catch that occasional, fleeting glimpse of True Happiness.

I propose that we look at 'Time' as if it is a stationary line and we are moving (sideways) along it. Imagine standing with your arms raised to shoulder height (parallel/level with the line of your shoulders and perpendicular to your body) and extended outwards, respectively, to your right and to your left. Now look 90 degrees to your right down the length of your outstretched arm and imagine a line of time extending further than you can see - into your future. Now look 90 degrees to your left and imagine a line of time extending from your outstretched fingers further than you can see - into your past. Remember, this line is stationary and you are shuffling sideways to your right, into your future. Directly in front of you is the present. In this scenario you can choose to focus more on the present (looking straight ahead), the past (looking hard to your left), or the future (looking hard to your right), or perhaps (wait for it ...) you will choose to utilize your peripheral vision and account for all three. What a concept! To not get caught up in the past or worry about the future, but to live 'in' the moment - not 'for' the moment but 'IN' the moment while applying past learning and keeping an eye on the future. This can lead to more frequent and longer-lasting moments of Happiness because you will be more aware of your 'moments' as you move along in front of them.

Now let's add an additional, explanatory twist to this model; literally. Imagine this never-ending, stationary line of time actually curving and angling slightly downwards in ever-widening concentric circles. This cone-shaped helix could actually spiral upward as easily as downward, if that is your preference. You are moving sideways to your right as previously described, facing inward towards the axis or center of the cone. The further you move along this line of time of course, the more open space in front of you (ever-widening circles) which corresponds to an increase in potential entropy, which in turn is a common descriptive characteristic of Time. You may at first think that the helical shape is not consistent with learning from the past because you can no longer see any of the past except that which is most immediate; but if you really think about it, that is all we typically see anyway. We rely on our memories which study after study has shown to be an unreliable measure of reality. And of course we have never been able to see the future (even the immediate future) with any certainty. So this cone-shaped spiral is actually a more accurate representation of reality than a straight line. You can still turn your eyes to focus on the past or the future, or use your peripheral vision to balance them with the present, but we are qualifying this model by stating that the open space in front of us filled with present moments/events is so vast that we cannot see across to the line of time that has circled around directly across from and slightly below us; (or above if it is more pleasing for you to be spiraling upward). This model also accounts for the unknown behind us, meaning at our backs; (in terms of this unknown we are making the following assumptions: 1) you must always face directly inward towards the axis; and 2) you cannot turn your eyes more than 90 degrees in either direction; and 3) there are no mirrors, or eyes in the back of your head). With these assumptions in place, there is a lot of room outside of this helix for a lot of 'unknown', which also reflects reality. To summarize, this helix model is more advantageous to Happiness (as a mental representation of Time) than the straight line model because it keeps us closer to reality by taking up less three-dimensional space, which provides even more control.

Additionally, since time is stationary we can create the circumstances necessary for time to seemingly stand still. Keeping this helix model in mind, it is a matter of stretching a moment by giving it our undivided attention and pulling it along with us as we shuffle sideways. Though we must eventually let it go, there are many moments with considerable elasticity. Think about a time when you have been in a 'flow' state and time just disappeared; a time when you were working on something and knew the hour and minute you started, then when you next looked at a clock two or three hours were gone. Essentially, you had stopped time. That 'event' became 'one moment' that stayed with you for two or three hours. It happens to me every week when I write a new post.

This perspective also supports our premise that Happiness can only be momentary in that most 'moments' pass by so quickly, leading to the next moment/event; and that next moment/event will always contain an unpredictable and (to an extent) uncontrollable mix of Dark and Light. Recognizing this Reality will allow us (like those who believe the future rushes past them from behind) to react favorably to adversity, and at the same time it will encourage us to behave in the moment for the future; behave in a way that is conducive to inner peace and exoteric goodness.

More than 25 years ago Joyce Carol Oates said, "Time is the element in which we exist. We are either borne along by it, or drowned in it."

A couple of years ago, feeling some pressures of time, I wrote the following Pantoum:

I'm drowning in torrential time
I'm carried by the current's flow
A deluge full of grit and grime
The rapids come, the rapids go

I'm carried by the current's flow
I seldom know what's up ahead
The rapids come, the rapids go
The rapids leave a sense of dread

I seldom know what's up ahead
Perhaps a slow meandering
The rapids leave a sense of dread
It seems I've been philandering

Perhaps a slow meandering
To stabilize my self esteem
It seems I've been philandering
Though merely caught up in the stream

To stabilize my self esteem
It often seems so uncontrolled
Though merely caught up in the stream
A past and future, wet and cold

It often seems so uncontrolled
A deluge full of grit and grime
A past and future, wet and cold
I'm drowning in torrential time

These perspectives of drowning and being carried along are potentially damaging and unfortunately prevalent. We don't have to drown, nor do we have to just go along for the ride. Be aware, use your vision, and extend your moments.