hopelesshappiness.com

I have very high expectations for myself and am frequently disappointed. An unfortunate corollary to these unrealistically high standards is their transference to others; thus others often disappoint as well. It is sometimes a struggle to find Happiness in the midst of all this disappointment.

I have tried lowering my personal standards which simply creates greater distress and disappointment, so for now I will continue to work at living up to my expectations. However, I have had some limited success in understanding the difference in others' expectations for themselves, and that is the focus of this post. I need to improve my outlook (attitude?) towards others, and not let their foibles and perceived failures impact my Happiness.

At times I am impatient and have a little bit of an attitude problem. But I know at some level you can relate, as we all have to deal with disagreements and unyielding opinions. The most important thing I've learned is that there is no 'magic bullet'. A lot of what you see/read/hear about maintaining Happiness in the face (both literally and metaphorically) of difficult people is cliche, and you will see some of that below (cliche is cliche for a reason), but I also intend to draw from the Periodic Happiness Table of Elements, and add some additional depth and meaning to the oft-suggested platitudes meant to be 'magic bullets'. After covering these highly original, creative, and copyrighted cliches and platitudes in Steps 1, 2, and 3 below, I will present an unorthodox Step 4 and a last resort Step 5.

ROUND 1

Step 1: Ignore It - Control what you can control and don't agonize over what others control. If you can put it out of your mind, ignorance can be bliss.

Step 2: Think About It - Review the Periodic Happiness Table of Elements and choose some guiding principles and even some crutches that may help you to better understand from the perspective of the idiot ... (Sorry) ... from the perspective of the other party or parties involved. Some of those elements that have really helped me (when I focus) include Compassion, Goodness, Humility, Patience, Gratitude, and Optimism.

Step 3: Talk About It - In Round 1 talk to an objective uninvolved friend or family member whom you trust to be honest and opinionated. Lacking that, talk to yourself; argue both sides and do it out loud (best not in public) so you can hear how it sounds.

ROUND 2

Repeat Steps 1, 2, and 3 in order but with added complexity and depth. In Step 1 for example, you should keep something handy (a book or music works for me) to distract you when you reach that point of non-productive worry over those aspects of the issue you do not control. In Step 2, persist, think alone and in a quiet place, and outline or write down some of your thoughts (continuing to utilize elements of Happiness) to add some meaning to your efforts. And in Step 3 consider talking to an interested or involved party to gain some internal perspective; (perhaps Round 2 discussions should begin with 'neutrals' or 'friendlies').

ROUND 3, 4, 5 ...

Continue to add complexity and depth to each of the steps (1 thru 3) and continue repeating these steps as long as you feel you are making progress. It is in these subsequent Rounds that you should truly give up hope for control where you have none (I am not saying "give up ALL hope"), formalize your thoughts in writing, and share them with those you talk to; again continuing to use recommended elements of Happiness. It is also time in Rounds 3 or above to consider talking with unsympathetic or unfriendly parties involved in the situation; of course, if this is your livelihood, do so wisely. Persistence and Creativity become important guiding principles in these later rounds.

If you find at some point that you are making no progress, and are desperate for resolution, consider steps 4 and/or 5 below; but do so cautiously.

Step 4: Imagination / Visualization - Start by visualizing what you want (best case scenario) and progressively work your way down to what you absolutely don't want (worst case scenario). Naturally as we begin this process you will relate the visualizations to yourself; but to be just, you must also imagine best and worst case scenarios for all parties (individually and organizationally) that are involved. When you begin thinking of worst case scenarios for the 'unfriendlies' a bit of vindictiveness may rear its head, but you must force yourself to extend the visualization exercise to include their immediate family / significant others that will be impacted by your actions; (knowing this could possibly include people you would not want to see hurt, such as children, elderly parents or grandparents, or other dependent family members). If objective justice still calls for action, hard decisions must sometimes be made, but know that you will someday have to answer (at least to yourself) for your actions, and you want to be certain that retribution fueled by anger played no part in them. If you reach this step, THINK UGLY, and be prepared for the consequences; both far reaching and more immediate. This is not an easy or pleasant step. When I think ugly, I am ugly; but it has at times helped me to more objectively understand the big picture and prioritize accordingly.

Step 5: Move On - Physically remove yourself from the situation. When I have resorted to this step as resolution, hindsight has always, without fail, included regret and disappointment. So if you do find yourself here, be prepared to take ownership and know that at least part (if not most or possibly all) of the failure is yours.

These are not final answers; but they are the best I have come up with - So Far.

When I think of Happiness as defined and conceptualized on this web site, I don't know the answers to the questions below.

Is Happiness contagious?

Is Unhappiness contagious?

What role (if any) does humor play in Happiness?

What is the relationship between euphoria and Happiness?

How (and how much) does kindness from strangers impact our Happiness?

Is 'Group' Happiness possible?

Is artificially induced Happiness okay?

Are there too many 'Happiness Gurus' on the web, and do any of them (us?) know what they're (we're?) talking about?

Are there certain types of music that increase or decrease our Happiness or Unhappiness to a greater or lesser degree?

Fill in the blank - "Buying (blank) makes me happy." For me, the (blank) is a book. What is the relationship between that material object, or what it may represent, and my Happiness? Or is it the symbolism found in the act of purchasing that contributes to Happiness, and if so, is that Happiness?

Does busyness enrich our Happiness, or does it just keep us from contemplating our Unhappiness?

Sadness is not the same as Unhappiness. Does sadness impact our Happiness, and if so, how?

As my thoughts evolve, any one of these questions may become a future post.

Two weeks ago in this previous post I identified 6 contributing factors to Unhappiness. Several weeks ago in this previous post I identified 8 ingredients for Happiness, and then expanded upon that with the creation of the Periodic Happiness Table of Elements. I've been thinking this week about the holiday season and specifically why and how it impacts our Happiness and Unhappiness, and have identified various factors and elements from the aforementioned posts and pages that may give us more control, if we choose to heed their advice.

I think the 'Why' (though it is connected to various factors and elements) is effectively explained across the board as simply 'unrealistic expectations.' Throughout hopelesshappiness.com we encourage moderation and a perspective grounded in reality. Disappointment when reality does not match up with expectations, certainly impacts Happiness. In some cases the 'Why' may be centered around other's expectations; you can play through some of those scenarios, either from experience or stories, in your head; (if you've never seen the movie Home For the Holidays with Holly Hunter and Robert Downey Jr, it is a great example of clashing expectations). In our materialistic culture filled with narcissistic marketing ('Narketing') the bar is set high, yet it does not take much to drive many of us over the top in this 'Happiest' (tongue-in-cheek) of Seasons. Unfortunately, even for many otherwise well-balanced people, Holiday Happiness can take on a manic vibe; (I think of nutcracker marionettes on speed).

That brings us to 'How' we whip ourselves into such a frenzy, or depression, and more importantly, how we can keep from doing so; which thinking about it is really the same question - just a matter of degree. Of the previously mentioned contributors to Unhappiness and ingredients for Happiness, the usual suspects that wreak havoc this time of year include Worry, Overindulgence, Squandering, too little or too much Human Interaction, and Superficiality (little or no Complexity or Depth). It seems from about a week before Thanksgiving to a week after New Years, Life takes a prolonged cigarette break, and productivity plummets. This year I am going to make a concerted effort to stay balanced between Thanksgiving and New Years, cut back on my 'too much', and look for opportunities to rev up my 'too little'.

Additionally, the 'too much' crowd should seek those whose Holiday Happiness is impacted by 'too little' and transfer some of the 'too much' in their direction. If you look at the Periodic Happiness Table of Elements you will see this listed as Compassion / Altruism; a suggested Guiding Principle that (I believe) enriches Happiness.

So whether you scale back, spread the cheer and wealth, or simply relax more and avoid the hype -

HERE'S WISHING YOU AND YOURS A HAPPY HOLIDAY SEASON!

"I know everything." Obviously this is not true no matter who makes the claim. Sergeant Schultz in Hogan's Heroes was closer to the truth when he frequently said "I know nothing." This same thought process can be applied to Happiness. While we maintain (here on hopelesshappiness.com) that Consistent Long-lasting Happiness (CLH) is unknowable, we can make a valid argument for its existence as a limiting concept. If it did not exist, then philosophically-speaking we could not pursue it; and just as we pursue higher levels of knowledge, we will continue to pursue higher levels of Happiness.

I have recently been working on wrapping my brain around the phenomena / noumena distinction; or (very) simply defined - sensory reality (phenomena) vs. ideas or thoughts unknowable through the senses (noumena). Kant's 'thing-in-itself' (ding an sich) expands upon this concept, and invites some philosophical controversy and debate, but in-depth explanations are not necessary to understand that Happiness in its perfect form, as a higher-order state, falls outside the realm of sensory reality. If you refer to The Periodic Happiness Table of Elements introduced on this site, you will see some elements that fall within this realm, and others that do not. Of those that at first glance do not, they may ultimately create (or contribute to) a sensory reality that enriches Happiness.

So ...

Philosophy and Life Experience teach us that there are certain things beyond our sensory grasp; yet we can intuitively or ideologically reach them with our minds. I believe what this tells us is that we should strive for the unknowable, and as we do so the knowledge we gain will take us ever closer to that boundary between sensory reality and the realm of ultimate Truth.

To know hopelessness is to encourage hope.

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In Lesson 1 we will show you how to Worry. Included in your kit will be 100 blank pieces of paper on which to list all your worries. If you are unable to fill them right away - "Don't Worry" - we have plenty of prompts to get you started. Things like: Was that indigestion, or was my boss scowling at me? And: What is my next car repair going to cost me? And: Do these pants make my butt look big? Thousands of possible worries listed in hundreds of possible interchangeable categories so you can pick and choose topics that are currently applicable, or branch out for variety.

In Lesson 2 we will cover the importance of Blame and how it can contribute immeasurable depth to your Unhappiness. Married? We can show you how to deftly deflect an accusation turning it to your advantage. Employed? We can show you how to subtly shift attention from your minor indiscretions to a co-worker's more obvious mistakes and shortcomings. You can blame others for your problems; you can blame yourself for other's problems; you can blame specifically from the problem perspective, or from the 'blamee' perspective, or from both ends at once; you can blame yourself for your own problems; you can blame others for their own problems; you can even blame yourself for blaming others for blaming you and others for the world's problems. The inculpatory possibilities are endless; and guaranteed to be non-productive.

Lesson 3 will help you to Feel Sorry for Yourself. You will learn in this lesson the art of feeling sorry for yourself with no sympathy from others. This is accomplished by either holding it all in, or constantly blathering on to everyone about how rough your life is. We will assist you in determining which path is appropriate, and when, in order to maximize your misery. (Most often we find it best to blather at work and hold it in at home, but it will depend on several variables.) We often find after lessons 1 and 2 that most of our students don't have a problem finding reasons to feel sorry for themselves, yet we include with this lesson hundreds of additonal prompts applicable to self-pity, as well as blame and worry. Student feedback shows this lesson to be one of the most rewarding in terms of deep-seated, hard-wired learning.

It is human nature to Overindulge. Everybody is doing it, because if a moderate amount of something gives us pleasure, then a larger amount will give us a larger amount of pleasure - Duh! So what is so special about Lesson 4? It is here that you will learn the secret to truly living not just in the moment, but FOR the moment. You will learn that THE MOMENT is all that matters. You have already learned in Lesson 1 how to worry about the next moment, but here you will learn how to replace that worry with other more dreadful worries, thus allowing yourself to come back to THE MOMENT. Why whip cream and a single cherry on top? Why not whip cream and cherries on top of whip cream and cherries? Let's follow the example set by our nation's leaders - let's all overindulge on overindulgence.

In Lesson 5 we will teach you how, what, and when to Squander. For some this is a tough follow-up to overindulgence, but we place it here intentionally so you will be able to clearly delineate the differences between the items encouraged in 'Overindulgence' and the items presented in this lesson that are critical components to a continuing life of Unhappiness. For items such as time and opportunity we will teach you sure-fire methods of procrastination that will allow you to let these things just slip through your fingers almost before you know they are there. We will teach you how to squander regret by making certain you learn nothing from past mistakes, drawing from Blame and Overindulgence concepts previously learned. And money? - though most of our students have this concept well in hand we will give you additional suggestions on how to squander money to assist in adding depth to Blame, Worry, and Feeling Sorry for Yourself; (if you have lots of money, we covered your special circumstances in a section of Overindulgence). We will introduce some new Squander concepts as well, including hypochondria (touched upon in Lesson 3 and expanded upon here), passing the buck, always 'looking' busy, and never volunteering, being friendly, or making eye contact. This is just the tip of your melting iceberg. This lesson includes dozens of other recommendations and suggestions; some of which are absolutely worthless, which further drives home the point that we should all aspire to Squander aimlessly.

And finally Lesson 6. It is a fairly easy leap from the previous five lessons to the penultimate in Unhappiness - here we will help you to see the wisdom in Giving Up. We start slow, encouraging you to Give Up in a small area such as yard care or some aspect of personal hygiene. Then we move to increasingly more complex areas with far-reaching implications into your work and home life. And, as you become more adept at combining these feelings of helplessness with Blame, Worry, Feeling Sorry for Yourself, Overindulgence, and Squandering Aimlessly, not only will you Give Up, but others will Give Up on you. Of course we will also teach you how to avoid complete debilitation as a result of giving up, because if you reach that point you may no longer care that you're unhappy. So we will teach you how to pull yourself back from that brink, time and time again as needed, in order for you to reap the greatest benefits from your unhappiness for years and years to come.

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