hopelesshappiness.com

Last week I encouraged myself to let go of my ego. I contemplated a society with no egos and wondered if the commonality would be loneliness and despair or compassion and community. I am guessing that question arose because the only truly unpretentious fellowship I have personal experience with, involved (at least in part) being an outcast and/or a member of a minority; which circumstance actually resulted in some shared compassion and a cautious sense of community, but also involved a good deal of loneliness and despair.

I believe there are like-minded affiliations (closely-knit and sharing a groupthink mentality) that may experience an egoless bond, but in this circumstance I don't believe it uncommon that the group itself be characterized by a disdainful, smug arrogance toward outsiders. And I believe within any group, given enough time, a hierarchy will form and egos will reappear.

So I come back to the question, is a consistently compassionate, sincere humility even possible over an extended period of time? And if it is possible for an individual or even a like-minded group, can those lessons extend across the maze of man-made borders and barriers we have created?

This latter scenario seems overwhelmingly impossible. But then, according to hopelesshappiness.com, so does Happiness; and I have not yet given up in that search, as further illustrated by my belief that efforts toward an empathetic, compassionate sense of community stretching across all boundaries will bring me closer to Truth, Wisdom, and Happiness, than will a sense of entitlement, a yearning for power, or the belief that 'I' know what is best and right. I should start with 'me'.

Unfortunately, I do not always practice what I preach ... It is easier said than done ... Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone ...

So who am I to be pursuing the impossible? Upon close examination, based on all the cliches and parables we could throw at this, as well as my personal history, I should be one of the last people touting the benefits of no ego. But based strictly on ego-experience, I may make a pretty good test subject for an 'ego-free' experiment. My ego often shows up as anger. As the years have gone by I have learned to control this outward ego-expression, but inwardly it remains; and at times it dominates. (I'm not sure these initial thoughts will evolve into a full-blown study or experiment, but I am curious about its feasibility and potential results.)

So how do 'I' get away from 'me'? Don't we encourage independent thought and diversity? And don't we teach our children (at least in this culture) that each one of us is special and unique? So perhaps an ego is necessary. Or perhaps it is just so ingrained into the fabric of what we have become, that it has become necessary.

Maybe we could layer or segment our individual humanity, allowing for an ego empirically and rationally, and reining it in emotionally and spiritually. At first glance it seems this would allow for individual expression, and at the same time encourage tolerance, compassion, empathy, learning, and growth; ultimately leading us closer to Truth, Wisdom, and Happiness. Or am I getting a little carried away?

(Slow down ... Question everything ... Think it through ... Dig deeper ...)

To clarify - My ego by (my) definition has more relevance to and influence on my daily existence than anything originating from outside of me. What I am suggesting above is that my ego should be predominant in the interpretation of empirical, sensory data, and in the reasoning process (my mind) and its outcomes. These (personally) rational outcomes can and do guide/influence my emotions and spiritual sense/beliefs, however my ego should not interfere with or attempt to thwart other's spiritual or emotional ego outcomes. So instead of saying 'no egos', perhaps I am suggesting (in regard to emotions and spirituality) - 'No Predominant Egos'.

Yet, in a way, if one's emotional base and sense of spirituality is a result of one's empirical interpretations (perception) and reasoning, then it is in these areas (empirically and rationally) where one's ego resides, which strengthens the premise that there should be no judgments of right or wrong within, around, or about emotional and spiritual expression - with one caveat - DO NO HARM! Therefore it seems the ego does not belong in the emotional or spiritual realms to begin with, so perhaps I am closer to where I began in encouraging 'no egos' - or more accurately, 'no ego expression'. When we express ourselves empirically or rationally we are typically matter-of-fact or reasonable. When we express ourselves emotionally or spiritually we run the risk of being controversial, adversarial, and/or overbearing.

So back to the question How do 'I' get away from 'me'? - Perhaps I can begin by learning to create some distance between the realms. This way I could recognize emotional and spiritual expression (emanating from myself or others) when it appears, thus allowing for equal time and consideration of all perspectives. Once recognized, since I have stated that the ego has no place in these interactions, I should work my way back to empirical and rational expression. It has been a rather long, circuitous route to arrive at the conclusion that I should 'act like an adult', but it is interesting in that it seems the way 'I' can get away from 'me' is by returning to 'me'.

The essence of 'me' is empirical and rational.

The spiritual 'me' is a result of my perception and reasoning, but also comes from my intuition, which is difficult to articulate. Due to its esoteric nature it can appear to others as confused, exaggerated, foolish, or futile, and due to its sacrosanct significance it can also enflame emotions.

The emotional 'me' is also a result of my perception and reasoning, and should be channeled accordingly (empirically and rationally) so my ego (which should be the essence of 'me') does not manifest itself as a distorted, monstrous perversion of 'me'.

I think most of us (excluding celebrities, politicians, and bureaucrats) do act like adults most of the time; at least outwardly. Perhaps by structuring individual humanity (empirical-rational-emotional-spiritual) and identifying appropriate ego expression within this structure, I will additionally gain inward maturity. Awareness is the first step.

I am going to make an effort to spend more time off my pedestal. And after this week's thoughts, I believe time off my pedestal to be more urgently important when I am alone than when I am interacting with others.

I have to let go; or (as the case may be) jump off. I'm talking about my pedestal. I think we all have one; a very ornate, marble, solid (yet comfortable and secure) pedestal.

I stand on it, tall and proud, looking over my world. A sea of my own making, filled with darting, playful, silvery promise. I also see other pedestals with other humans; each pedestal big enough for one. From my perspective, all other pedestals are shorter, and their occupants don't stand as tall.

Occasionally, a big wave comes along and knocks me off my pedestal. When this happens, I stubbornly hang on until the wave or storm passes, and eventually climb back up to dry in the sun and once again stand tall.

Occasionally (sometimes frequently), I venture out to procure some measure of fulfillment by laying hold of and consuming the hope and expectancy shining beneath the surface. At times these glints of silver are bountiful; at other times, less so. Sustenance.

Sometimes, those nearby let me hold on to their pedestal for a short period of time when I need to.

Sometimes I wander a little far.

And sometimes (because I am considerate and charitable) I let others hang on to my pedestal when they need to. Once or twice I have actually come off my pedestal and helped another onto it, so they could dry in the sun. But I always (in fairly short order) encourage them to return to their pedestal. I don't understand how anyone could be so lost as to not know where their pedestal is.

I always return to my pedestal.

I wonder what is beyond the pedestals.

I wonder if there is a 'beyond the pedestals'.

If there is, would the silvery promise be more bountiful? And/or, would it be more difficult to acquire?

I know if I jumped off my pedestal, I could not fly; but if there were no pedestals to hang onto, how long would I stay afloat?

I am afraid of drowning.

Are there others beyond the pedestals?

If so, are some better swimmers than others?

If there is a 'beyond the pedestals', is it a realm of higher consciousness, compassion, and community, or is it an expanse of loneliness and despair?

Is a pedestal necessary for mental stability?

If there were no pedestals, would I learn to be a better swimmer?

If there were no pedestals, would I be prey for dark, ugly creatures from the depths?

I am afraid of monsters.

Perhaps I would not drown.

Perhaps I could slay the monsters ... Or befriend them.

Perhaps the buoyancy would give me the feeling of weightlessness. Flying. No Gravity.

Maybe we don't all have or need a pedestal; (but it seems like we do).

Maybe 'beyond the pedestals' is not so scary; (but it seems like it would be).

I would like to see beyond the pedestals; or at least, see how long I could stay afloat with no pedestal.

I must jump off; or (as the case may be) let go ...

The idea of moving from 'order to disorder' or 'simplicity to complexity' is fascinating. For me (and I believe for many others) it succinctly describes the direction that we do move through time. One cannot erase experience. We may not always remember or be able to identify the specific influence of a specific moment, but I believe all of experience synergistically exerts an influence on every moment. So as I add individual experiences throughout my lifetime it is logical that disorder becomes more and more likely and simplicity becomes more and more difficult.

Yet I like order and I want to simplify. If I cannot find 'simple order' I will settle for organized complexity. This is why of late I have been drawn to Steampunk. Described as 'What the past would look like if the future had happened sooner' its images (for me) represent domesticated disorder. This is what I have been attempting to do with Truth, Wisdom, and Happiness every week for the past year. I would like to take all the cogs and wheels and clockworks and gears and brass and top hats and goggles and corsets of life, and if not make some sense of it all, at least make it more visually appealing and thought-provoking; (which in itself should add some sense). As I progress through this increasing disorder I want to remain passionate and excited about living life. I don't want to shuffle along in a rut avoiding the chaos of swirling expectations and experiences. I want to be a collector; but not one who piles it all in heaps of unintelligible clutter in the barn or attic. I want Steampunk clutter - Harmonious Discord.

I have previously touched upon the importance of finding accord in the midst of the discord of Life. I have advocated prioritizing and organizing the minutiae of Life. And here I am again encouraging rhythm and harmony to assist in this ordering of disorder. So as with most objectives, it must be easier said than done. I will dig deeper.

Perhaps it is as simple as avoiding that rut; combining known methods of orchestration (reading, writing, learning) with subtle, intuitive reminders (music, art, nature), and adding new discoveries (like my recent crush on Steampunk). Of course new discoveries will almost always be an existing sub-class or sub-genre found in the process of reminders and orchestrations, and will often carry the additional stigma of being quirky, eccentric, or frivolous.

Though the phrase 'Steampunk' has been around nearly 30 years, and its roots go back to Victorian times, I think many would still identify it as a fad. Continuing to think this through, I am now asking myself if a fad is truly a new discovery or just a way to combat boredom and convince myself that I am open to new ideas and not in a rut. Wow ... Am I just a sad old man trying to keep up, or does 'branching out' really add vitality and ignite passion? ... tough question.

... Or is it a tough question? ... (small epiphany) - If something resonates within, no matter how short-lived, I need not worry, nor make apologies; especially if I can learn from it and apply it to other aspects of my Life. On the other hand, if I am jumping on the bandwagon because everyone else is, then that is a problem. So we have come around to uninhibited truthfulness with oneself; (again). I have to look inward to examine my motivations and my true feelings.

And having done so now, in this case, I still like Steampunk.

So qualifying it thusly, I believe there is potential validity to creating harmonious discord by staying out of a rut. But once off the beaten path, what then? I'm thinking there must be more to it than just new discoveries.

Part of it is learning and application as previously stated. But would that require a certain amount of consistency and stability to which new learning can be applied? and does that sound a little like another rut? How do I keep it fresh?

... ... ... ...

Repetition? I have come back to writing about this theme of harmony / rhythm (multiple times) and I do find myself re-reading various passages in favorite books, and this repetition does seem to add to my understanding.

Added Depth? When I re-think various concepts I force myself to dig deeper by asking more questions. (I've also said before that) by adding depth I am essentially simplifying by ordering (organizing) complexity.

To summarize: as I experience Life it becomes increasingly disordered while I aspire to simplify and organize. So I search for rhythm and harmony to layer the chaos and I utilize the following to keep it fresh and vibrant:

• New Discoveries (that resonate)
• Repetition
• Added Depth
• Learning and Application (Growth)

I cannot undo what is done. In this lifetime there is no subtraction; there is only addition. I suppose I could play it safe and add small increments, and end with a small contribution. Or I could add ridiculously large increments, ending with a ridiculously large impact. Or I could add purposeful, meaningful increments, that will end in a positive contribution.

There is no subtraction - yet paradoxically, without a certain amount of order, rhythm, and harmony, one could end their Life with a negative contribution.

Solitude - at times a welcome respite from the clamor of daily existence; at other times a cramped and lonely cell from which screams cannot escape.

A scream is difficult for others to interpret and understand. When I scream from within, this incoherence is compounded by my own inability to understand. Screams from within can be heard by others; but they are typically ignored.

I believe they are typically ignored by others because many (most?) of us ignore our own screams from within. If one is unable to acknowledge or accept their own screams ...

Solitude - When it manifests itself as caliginous isolation, can it be illuminated by reflective contemplation? Semantically, it works. In practice, it is helpful.

Chronic, idiopathic solitude requires an untiring, disciplined vigilance to arrive at a best-case scenario and avoid the claustrophobia inherent in chronic, idiopathic solitude.

As with all circumstances, adversity has the potential to bring one closer to Truth, Wisdom, and Happiness.

This week I tripped over a spectrum in my search for Truth, Wisdom, and Happiness. Dazed but unhurt, I picked myself up and (though I never reached the extreme in either direction) traveled some distance in both directions, identifying one end of the spectrum as 'the approval of others' and the other end as 'the disapproval of others'. Each manifested itself as varying degrees of (or lack of) trust and confidence. Puzzled as to why this should trip me up and impede my progress, I have spent 2 or 3 days walking alongside this serpentine troglodyte to study, learn, and better understand its nature.

I have learned that it is a cave dweller, preferring the deeper recesses of my mind and, whenever possible, avoiding the light of day, thus perpetuating the belief that I am an independent thinker with independent thoughts. I have learned that unlike many, this spectrum is full of twists and turns; hidden curves that increase the likelihood of head-on impact. I have learned that it is deceitful, indirect, and devious, leading me to think it is inconsequential with little or no influence on thoughts and actions. I have learned that I am foolish to take it lightly; not only for the reasons above, but perhaps because it contains more legitimacy and truthfulness than is apparent on the surface thus validating a connection between humanity and 'other-worldly' considerations.

So it seems that what I must do is get hold of this beast and drag it (writhing and squirming) from its hidey-hole into the sunshine that's my life. Once in the light I believe I should soothe it with kind words and gentle caresses in order to attain some degree of control over the influence of the approval/disapproval from others. (I believe all of us acknowledge and accept the influence/impact that loved ones have on us, but in many if not most cases this influence is unwelcome when it comes from mere acquaintances, bosses, co-workers, or strangers. Nonetheless, it is real.) So instead of ignoring it and allowing it to remain hidden, I believe acknowledgment and respect will not only domesticate and house-train its unruly nature but will ultimately lead to a partial melding or fusion of the aforementioned connection between our humanity and our potential for Happiness.

I am hesitant to admit the power of another's words or actions; sometimes even of those I am close to. I would like to think their approval is superfluous and their disapproval is misguided and/or unnecessary, but ... the reality typically does not match my bravado.

I like praise. I do not like that someone (anyone) does not trust me. This week I specifically asked someone to "Please Trust" - They did not. What ensued was an unpleasant downward spiral.

No one is beyond reproach. It is human nature to make mistakes, so logic dictates that no one can be trusted. But doesn't it feel better to trust and be trusted, than it does to judge and be judged? And isn't it more likely that a spirit of mutual trust and confidence will create better results faster, than an atmosphere of mistrust? Studies consistently show these things to be true.

From my experience this week I would add that mutual trust and confidence will assist in closing the gap on Truth, Wisdom, and Happiness, while mistrust, judgment, and castigation will widen that gap, or at the least, impede progress. This for me is proof that a connection does exist between my Humanity (even those malformed, misshapen, ugly aspects of my Humanity that I'd prefer stay hidden) and my potential for Happiness.

It's nice to know.