hopelesshappiness.com

Today, after several years of considering happiness (and Happiness) I realize two things:

1. I was beyond naive when I first began to seriously contemplate happiness.
2. I am still wide-eyed and gullible in the process of searching for Happiness, if it even exists, and no matter the definition.

Throughout this site I have frequently, rather definitively, claimed that (upper-case) Happiness revolves around one's search for Truth and Wisdom, and (lower-case) happiness refers to everyday cheerfulness and satisfaction. As I write this, I strongly believe it is necessary to continue to differentiate between the two; but I am re-examining the concept to come to a deeper understanding that will perhaps lessen the jarring aspect of the dissonance experienced in the search. I am looking for new thought. And at this moment, this is one of those posts where I will likely ramble some because I have no preconceived notion as to the direction my written thought will take me. The only new thought I have had thus far is that I am looking for new thought.

I first began to seriously consider happiness about the time I first noticed its elusiveness. As I evolved (from precocious and confident to uncertain and angry) I knew I had lost some innocence and began to search for Truth and Wisdom; (though I'm not sure I realized that is what I was doing at the time). I began with happiness gurus, prize-winning fiction, and poetry. I eventually discovered that much of the 'happiness craze' was a delusional scheme, so I added history and philosophy, and found connections from there to (my life-long love of) music, and ultimately spirituality. I am still largely naive and innocent and I am still uncertain and angry, but my naivete is recognized and welcome, and my anger is more focused and productive. So though I continue to evolve, much of my (tongue-in-cheek) 'esteemed and noble' search for Truth and Wisdom remains in the context of happiness (and/or Happiness), because that is still the Holy Grail.

When I questioned above if happiness even exists, I do not believe I meant as an Ideal or Perfection. There are many concepts (such as Truth, Wisdom, Beauty, and Love) that have an unattainable Ideal, and (if it exists) so too does Happiness. What I think I was really (subconsciously?) asking is - Is Happiness or happiness even possible? Or is it a phantom concept that is not simply unattainable, but actually non-existent? Even by its lower-case definition? Or maybe, especially by its lower-case definition? Are those seemingly happy (cheerful, satisfied) people really happy? Or is happiness delusional? In this post three weeks ago I made the case that many emotions can easily carry one into what many would define as abnormal behavior. There are some who define happiness as an emotion. Could it be that (lower-case) happiness is a disease? Does a manic-depressive simply act out more emotional instances of happiness and despair (i.e. a recognition of reality)? If the further ends of this 'reality' spectrum indicate a pathology, then is the entire spectrum an abnormal response to Life? Should we stop pursuing happiness? Why do we pursue it to begin with?

I have spent the last day considering this 'Reality Spectrum' where the left end is 'Deep Despair' and the right end is 'Frenzied Joy' and I ask why in some historical eras the norm was slightly left of center (a harsh reality perspective) while in other eras such as the Enlightenment leading up to Today, the norm is firmly right of center (an 'I deserve happiness' perspective)? This thought has led me to ask - Where is (lower-case) happiness on this spectrum? Is it dead center? If it is dead center, how do we agree on dead center? Or is it a moving target that takes other circumstance (and spectrums) into account? And if it is a moving target, does this then discredit the (happiness guru) claim of 'positive mental attitudes' and 'you too can be happy'? These happiness schemes only seem to work if we train ourselves to ignore surrounding circumstance. I can't do that. I am left of center on this spectrum and I believe it is a moving target. These thoughts have brought me to realize that this is not really pertinent to (upper-case) Happiness nor is it the new thought I am looking for. I say that, still not knowing exactly what I am looking for.

That last sentence could also apply to one's search for Happiness. If one drills down far enough we find that happiness/Happiness is often (if not always) the final factor encouraging specific actions and behaviors;(we work for money to provide comfort to be happy; we make friends, marry, have families to provide comfort and validation, to be happy; we learn and grow to find fulfillment to improve quality of life to be happy); yet we keep searching. Even those who claim a (pathologically delusional?) consistent happiness don't just stop working toward (or at least passively hoping for) a greater happiness. As stated above, Happiness is the Holy Grail and (too) many of us too-readily, too-passively accept and go along with any proposition that promises to fill us with the spirit of Happiness, and then because we are told we are happy, we believe. These thoughts are not new thoughts.

We have now clearly moved into the realm of (upper-case) Happiness.

I still maintain that Happiness is defined as one's search for Truth and Wisdom and (agreeing with some of History's great thinkers) that Happiness can only be judged at the end of one's Life. I have spent considerable effort examining how one can (should?) go about this search, including the Periodic Happiness Table of Elements, an acknowledgement of reality by embracing the Dark and the Light, knowing pain and adversity, Exoteric Goodness, Inner Peace, the Why-Cycle, and choosing work over sloth. These all address Life on this empirical plane, though some of these human qualities (such as Exoteric Goodness) can also serve as a conduit or bridge to a transcendent spirituality. So perhaps the new thought I am looking for is not of this world; and since I have no access to (or certainty of) other worlds or lives beyond this one, perhaps I need to look within.

I do this frequently, but perhaps I am not looking in the right places.

Or perhaps I am looking too hard.

Are there more answers to be found through meditation and Inner Peace? These are areas that must be valid and important, but I have not explored meditation or pursued Inner Peace with the vigor I have given to other areas. The closest I come to a meditative state is when I am able to lose myself in music, and it seems I only trip over Inner Peace when it gets in my way. Meditation seems detached from empirical reality, Inner Peace seems to hinder serious, productive thought, and I am looking for connections leading to growth; these (perceived) factors inhibit my interest. Perhaps this is worth further exploration, but obviously not doable in the next 48 hours. This is a new thought, but one I must put on a shelf for the moment.

Human Interaction is another area that I am not as active in as I could be. This is partly because serious human interaction is difficult. It is difficult in that casual contact, and/or human contact that has time constraints, often does not allow for serious thought-sharing; it is also difficult because many of us prefer happiness over Happiness; and even if we get over these hurdles, it is simply difficult to execute gracefully. Is this elitist thought? When I look within do I see some arrogance? Perhaps I should make a greater effort to build relationships in a way that will enhance both happiness and Happiness. Patience is not my strong suit. While not a new thought, this should be a renewed thought.

I am freestyling now.

What else do I see within?

I see a serious attempt at uninhibited truthfulness with myself, to the extent that one can be truthful to oneself and remain functional. And (in the interest of uninhibited truthfulness with myself) I see a very human need for validation; of late I feel others may see me as rudderless and a little lost. And perhaps I am. I feel the learning and growth I am experiencing (some of which I have shared on this site) is valid and important, but I have not received confirmation of this from anyone; and in fairness, I have not asked. These are not new thoughts; but could either one be a springboard to new thoughts?

Re-reading that last paragraph, I sound somewhat self-pitying, yet I cannot deny my humanity. When I began this web site more than two-and-a-half years ago, I initially included 'Purpose' along with 'Truth and Wisdom' as an integral component of one's search for Happiness. As my thoughts evolved, 'Purpose' became less significant for two reasons: (1) I did not feel the need to justify what I deemed important; and (2) I believed Purpose required (at least in part) a judgment passed down by either an ego high on power and control or a majority opinion skewed by the media-driven, narcissistic consumerism so unnecessarily prevalent today. I should care less... Right? Yet, I do. I think we all care, and without some validation for one's perceived Purpose, it is only natural to become discouraged.

But ...

...justification is a defensive stance and ...validation does not have to be content-specific. In other words, a simple respect and tolerance for what I do is validation and I now realize my attempt to justify was for my own benefit. If one day any specific example of my learning and growth as written thought is in any way substantiated... okay; but until then I should simply keep on. My projected need for self-justification and content-specific validation has grown less urgent.

Could this ('Purpose') be the new thought I am looking for? A thought that I considered and tossed aside more than two years ago and have now reworked to eliminate (or at least reduce) the defensive anger? A thought that originates from my gut as an ineffable grasp of our shared humanity? After all, how many of us really do receive widespread recognition and validation for what we do and who we are? From my perspective (which is firmly grounded in doubt and uncertainty), respect and tolerance for others is a given; and I can only actively hope that those who do not practice a mutual respect and tolerance will either one day understand its importance or simply not care enough to negatively impact / harm those of us who do. It is this active hope that drives my serious nature and my written thought. I do care, and perhaps one day this Purpose will have a positive impact beyond 'me'.

So for the most part it feels like I am fiddling with knobs and dials that are already in place. Granted, some of them in new combinations and from a new perspective, but still... Reviewing:

1. I will dial up a renewed sense of Purpose from within, tuning it to a mutual respect and tolerance, and I will decrease the volume on concern over self-justification and high-handed judgments;
2. I will increase the volume and frequency on human Interactions allowing relationships to develop through mutual experience; and
3. I will unbox meditation, read the instructions, and perhaps find a connection to Inner Peace and from there to Happiness.

At the beginning of this post I asked a lot of questions in rapid-fire succession; some I answered and some were rhetorical. There are two I want to come back to and answer:

1. Should we stop pursuing happiness? - No!
2. Why do we pursue it to begin with? - Intuition. Because we cannot state exactly what we are looking for, we also cannot state why we are looking for it, nor can we stop looking, though we likely will never find it ...(in this lifetime).

Our Purpose is to search for happiness and/or Happiness. It is up to each individual to define the parameters of that search. This week (for me) I clarified some issues, fine-tuned some concepts, and redefined some parameters. I did not find new thought on new concepts, but I did progress by finding new (evolved) thought on preexisting considerations. I am happy (note the lower-case) with my progress.

The darkness closed in; not rapidly. It took many years, beginning from the left as a foggy, pearlescent gray with occasional less hazy, humid patches, ultimately graduating to angry, rumbling thunderheads punctuated by cracks of lightning and the warning clangs and whistles that accompany severe weather. Once the stormy elements ruled the western hemisphere, the fog and precipitation began, in like manner, moving in from the east. That line of demarcation between the blackened west and the pearlescent east soon curled (like two big fluffy cat tails) from the west, around the northern and southern poles to meet again in the east, creating an inescapable patch of semi-sanity from where all horizons presented the same ominous, billowing gloom closing in not only from all directions, but each distant thunderhead also reaching its black tentacles overhead in search of its fellow miscreants.

A look at the ground revealed cracks and fissures running haphazard as far as one could see. On stumbling legs I slowly navigated the trembling, tilting nightmare that threatened to flippantly toss me aside perhaps into a widening chasm that would swallow me whole; or worse yet, chew me up and spit me back to the surface to begin again. A vertiginous merry-go-roller-coaster endlessly cycling round and round and up and down and side to side.

It is hard to ignore these conspirators intent on mutiny - the surrounding dissonant onslaught from above and beyond, and the circling, quaking asymmetry from below; it leaves me fearful and uncertain.

A look at my thoughts revealed room for expansion; an opportunity to learn and grow; a chance to lighten the darkness and steady the steps. I immersed myself in poetry, and literature, and history, and philosophy, and music, and spirituality. I learned to doubt and to ask lots of questions. I found answers that led to more questions that led to more doubt that led to more searching. I found complexity that simplified, and I intuited an unreachable depth that goes on forever. I embraced Dark to better know Light. I discovered the value of work, and I rediscovered the value of Goodness. And once or twice I found an inner peace that validated the pain and adversity.

Today, a look into my center reveals active hope tempered by harsh reality. I must acknowledge the current clouds, fog, precipitation, tremors, unsteadiness, and ever-closer thunderheads. I must increase my efforts. I must continue to learn and grow. Thus far I have lightened the darkness and I have steadied the steps; and I feel fear transitioning to respect. But this journey, (I believe), will only grow more arduous. Uncertainty will continue to predominate... which (in theory) will push me to continue my search...

Last week I said, "Business relationships are built through market transactions using market currencies." I would like to extend that thought. Business relationships, market transactions, and market currencies were originally established to satisfy the needs of a community for basic consumable and durable goods; goods such as food, clothing, materials for housing/shelter, medicines, tools, etc. As quality of life seemed to improve by pooling resources via technology and specialization, individuals, families, and small tribes were suddenly no longer self-sufficient; the necessity of a market was born. Somewhere though in the evolution of the marketplace, it knotted itself, reversing the means and the ends in that originally the ends (a communal need for basic goods) was the driver behind the means (market transactions and market currencies), but today those same means not only drive the ends (consumer goods) but also define those ends by telling the consumer what goods and services are necessary; (or more accurately, telling us that all goods and services are necessary). In turn, over the centuries and millennia since the birth of the marketplace, we have slowly transitioned from 8 parts human / 2 parts consumer to 2 parts human / 8 parts consumer; (the numbers are illustrative and vary by individual, but from where I sit they seem, on the whole, pretty accurate). So market currencies not only dilute the human relationship (as noted last week), but they also dilute the human.

There are some that may not see the problem, and I guess that depends upon your perspective. If your Life goal is to accumulate stuff, there is no problem. ...I think there is a problem... it appears that the marketplace has brought us from human savage to civilized human to consumer drone. So what is next?

I ended last week's post with the following:

"The introduction of market currency changes Truth and cheapens Wisdom. In many arenas it will be difficult to stem the flow of market currencies, strengthen the viability of human currencies, and synergize the certainty of counterpart currencies, but as a starting point (and at the very least) we must know the difference."

It doesn't feel right (or practical) to suggest we turn the bus around, so once we are readily able to identify each currency and gain an awareness of the give-and-take amongst the varying currencies, how do we go about controlling, strengthening, and synergizing?

There appears to be no magic bullet (though I will continue to look), but as stated above it begins with education; we must learn (and teach) the differences between the currencies (market, human, and counterpart - see last week's post) so each individual can, in any given moment, know if they are a consumer (involved in a market transaction) or a human (participating in a human transaction). If we know our role we can then make a better-informed decision to continue or not, or to inject additional currency into the transaction. I believe when one has a choice, more often than not, one will choose to add human currency, thus strengthening human relationships. There is more potential for growth in a human transaction than there is in a market transaction.

One can determine the essence of a relationship (business or human) by carefully checking for the prevalence of market currencies. It sounds simple, but like Russian nested dolls some business relationships reside within human relationships which reside within higher order business relationships and on and on and on; and to further complicate matters, some business relationships paint on the face of a human relationship and then these painted-up hussies (and their gigolo counterparts) start procreating leaving behind superficial spawn that arouse feelings ranging from morbid curiosity to intoxicating attraction that confuse and bewitch to a point where Truth has changed and Wisdom has cheapened - Damn Dolls!

It is difficult to know the Truth of any relationship that deals in 'any' quantity of market currency. Last week I listed market currencies as "including money, power, influence, marketable goods and services transacted impersonally, policy and procedure, incentives, and consideration for the greater good." It is up to each individual to determine what is meant by 'any quantity of market currency.' How much influence or power is too much? How many rules before we begin to trip over them? If these layers of market currencies are relatively thin or few compared to the human currencies then perhaps it is predominantly a human relationship. The mistake we cannot make is to confuse words with actions; human currencies (identified last week as "including consideration for the individual, productive two-way communication, emotional interaction, trust, compassion, understanding, responsibility, respect, and goodwill") should trump pretty talk. If we study actions and behaviors to interpret the words (as I did in this post), and ask lots of questions from a fortified position of doubt and uncertainty, then we are less likely to be fooled by shallow rhetoric.

So to summarize: if we educate in order to recognize and understand the currencies by asking questions and studying behaviors, then one may identify the transaction or transactions (market or human), and from there better define the essence of the relationship (business or human) ... Right? ...maybe. (I know I am repeating myself) but as market currencies continue to evolve (specifically policy and procedure, incentives, power, and influence), it is more and more difficult to differentiate between market and human transactions.

I am in a quandary; lost amongst the Russian nested dolls, seemingly unable to stem their flow of procreation. The only suggested resolution I have come up with, and keep returning to, is education; and seeing it alongside the enormity of the global marketplace is (quite honestly) intimidating and discouraging. I can't just walk outside and poke Earth in the eye to get its attention, yet that is what this fells like.

Russian nested dolls, painted-up hussies and their gigolo, spawn of consumerism, poking Earth in the eye, a speeding bus; I have noticed that the greater my uncertainty and/or perceived weakness in the proposed resolution, the more I tend to use visual analogies to emphasize and clarify the problem; I guess in the active hope that others may better understand and work with me. So why not one more visual: if we do not stem the flow of market currencies soon, we may one day see (as suggested in the work of fiction 'Cloud Atlas' by David Mitchell) corporate logos on the wings of butterflies and advertising projected on the face of the moon. We already have temporary and permanent tattoos as advertising and parents attempting to sell the naming rights to their unborn children. I'm not sure which question is more relevant - Where will it stop? or; Will it stop? For me, the greatest tragedy is the current degradation and continued erosion of the human relationship and of the individual human.

Last week I made the following observation:

On a broad scale, (for example a bureaucracy), our basis for reason is not right and wrong; it is not fairness; it is not justice; it is not ethical behavior; it is varying combinations and degrees of money and power; power in turn, being determined by money and/or one's position of influence. And once one has tasted financial success and/or power, it is difficult for that individual (or organization) to think in any terms other than what he, she, or they believe to be the greater good; beliefs tainted by power that tend to lose sight of the individual. This is sad.

Earlier tonight I posted 'Concierge Happiness' where I expressed my thoughts on the growing practice of concierge medicine which attempts (from my perspective) to infuse market reasoning into a circumstance it does not belong.

These thoughts (above) led me to the following thoughts (below).

I believe that market transactions should trade in market currencies including money, power, influence, marketable goods and services transacted impersonally, policy and procedure, incentives, and consideration for the greater good.

I believe that human transactions should trade in human currencies including consideration for the individual, productive two-way communication, emotional interaction, trust, compassion, understanding, responsibility, respect, and goodwill.

Human transactions also trade in counterpart currencies including fear, manipulation, disrespect, distrust, cruelty, indifference, disdain, insensitivity, avoidance, scorn, rejection, and the seven (pride, anger, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, and sloth) deadly sins. There is a natural gravitational attraction between these counterpart currencies and market currencies.

I believe that human currencies can and should find their way into market transactions, but I do not believe market currencies have any place in human transactions.

I believe that market transactions are impersonal and emotionless. It is fairly difficult to transact strictly on a market basis, yet it is fairly convenient to use market reasoning to explain an impersonal, emotionless human transaction.

I believe that human transactions include any human interaction that involves the sharing of any personal or private information or any purposeful action that foreseeably impacts the personal well-being of any individual.

I believe that casual human transactions can appear to consist strictly of human currencies by ignoring their counterpart currencies, but I believe that (at least) an occasional smattering of these counterpart currencies is unavoidable. A consistently open, dynamic exchange of human currencies and an active, respectful acknowledgment of the inevitability of their counterpart currencies will add meaning and depth to a human transaction.

Additionally, if the stated or implied intent of a specific set of circumstances is to create or maintain a positive human transaction and someone attempts to corrupt or short-circuit the intent by utilizing money, power, influence, or a claim of a greater good, the integrity of the human transaction is threatened. Any attempt to degrade and devalue a human transaction by utilizing market currencies, should be thwarted.

I believe the human relationships that define human transactions include (the obvious) family, friends, close neighbors, associates in selected social organizations, and trusted co-workers; and (based on the definition above) must also include many employer - employee circumstances, and many professional services including doctor - patient, attorney - client, and even elected official - constituent.

Granted, some of the given 'human transaction' examples already involve a market transaction, (such as employer - employee relationships and professional services) but to allow an additional influx of market currencies will only further dilute the human relationship.

Think about the following five examples:

1. Your car won't start so you ask a friend for a ride to work and they oblige. You are thanking them for their kindness, (and feeling all warm and fuzzy), and then they ask you for $5 to help with the gas.
2. The oldest profession (prostitution) dehumanizes, degrades, cheapens, and demeans both the parties involved and the act.
3. Your employer (in the person of your immediate supervisor) appeals to your goodwill and sense of responsibility to 'go the extra mile' and your supervisor (as a result) selfishly basks in the glow of success, while you are left to do your job.
4. Many bureaucracies shake your hand (with one hand) and smile while picking your pocket (with the other hand) for hidden fees, service charges, and other business courtesies.
5. Your Doctor, (with whom you have shared many intimate and personal details over the years), is suddenly soliciting an additional fee for the privilege of his services, creating an exclusive 'members only' patient list.

Human relationships are built through human transactions using human currencies and reacting to (or initiating) their counterpart currencies.

Business relationships are built through market transactions using market currencies.

What we mistake as a Mixed (Human and Business) relationship is in actuality a layering of human and business transactions, (and their associated human, counterpart, and market currencies), of which we interpret the most recent, the most memorable, and/or the thickest layer or layers to define the essence of the relationship.

The introduction of market currency changes Truth and cheapens Wisdom.

In many arenas it will be difficult to stem the flow of market currencies, strengthen the viability of human currencies, and synergize the certainty of counterpart currencies, but as a starting point (and at the very least) we must know the difference.

Following is my interpretation of a notice received from my Doctor this week:

Dear Patient:

You are a commodity; that is - an article to be used for trade leading to profit. I will (as much as I can) couch this in the utilitarian terms of a greater good, and I will (as closely as I can) follow the letter of the AMA ethical mandate for 'continuity of care' but the bottom line remains that you now have to pay to play.

For a nominal yearly fee you will become one of a select few (less than 20 percent of my current patient base) that I will generously allow to remain under my care. This will improve our business relationship by guaranteeing next day appointments, longer visits, more thorough examinations, and a greater focus (and this-time-I-really-mean-it attitude) toward preventive care and wellness services. Of course we have corrupted any previously established respect or goodwill by creating this market transaction, but the tradeoff is worthwhile: you can see more of me sooner, and I can work less for more money.

Please ignore the hypocrisy in the fact that your insurance will not recognize this fee and your Flex Spending Account cannot be used to pay it. I know in the past I have only allowed treatments approved by the Gods of Insurance, but you have the unique opportunity to snub your nose in their general direction by coloring outside their lines. Let's show them who's boss.

Some may say that by reducing your general health and well-being to the single market-driven question of 'who can pay?' I am ignoring morality, eroding personal values, and redefining justice. I maintain that the market has simply become the great moral equalizer ridding us of extraneous considerations and successfully widening the gap between those deserving of this good fortune and everyone else. You, my friend and future business associate, are deserving.

Yours Truly,

President and CEO
Doctor-Patient Mercantile and Trade