hopelesshappiness.com

I had a long conversation
That spoke to temptation
And left me to feeling all strange.

It was not, the words that we spoke
But their bounce, that awoke
An inkling to think about change.

Today I was told, "You are unusual." This statement was followed by further complimentary support, and though I initially took it this way, it disturbed me. It created a nagging discomfiture. I believe it did so because each one of us is unique and unusual in some way(s), and I do not feel I should be praised or elevated for my humanity. Because I have a unique skill set that meshes productively with a specific circumstance, merely means that I am lucky; it does not mean that I am superior, gifted, or deserving of special attention.

We live in a culture of conformity. To be singled out as "important" in any regard, in the context of our busy routine, is bound to inflate an ego. It should not. Instead, it should encourage one to more actively seek circumstance that suits skills.

I suppose some may say that this is a rather deterministic outlook; (in that productivity is necessary, and reason is necessary for maximal productivity, and to be singled out is likely to disrupt reason). Others may see it as humility. Because I am discomfitted by undue praise, and because I see most praise as unnecessary and undue, and because I don't haphazardly throw out compliments to others, I suppose my equitable outlook is rather deterministic. I can live with that. I am free to choose, and my choice may even influence an outcome; but it will never stand alone.

For every moment spent reflecting on one's own personal importance, there are surrounding mega-multiple moments spent (by others) oblivious to the one's self-aggrandizement. And in this sense---from this perspective---it feels like a ridiculous waste of effort to feel important. This is not to say that effort should not be expended on actively seeking circumstance that suits skills. And it is not to say that one will not be tempted by a siren song of fanciful adulation. This week's thought is meant to encourage more efficient productivity, and to temper these tempting inclinations, with some realistic perspective.

This week, as the moments passed, each time the wispy nature of my searching thought began to take shape and tantalizingly dance to and fro, it would stretch and thin and curl, and ultimately slip through my grasping fingers.

I want to understand... ...something; something related to understanding---I think. Or I might think it is related to understanding because I don't understand; and because in a sense I guess everything is related to understanding. It began, (and ended), with my inability to determine if my self-perception largely originates from within or from without. I would like to think one, yet I am quick to judge others as being largely bent toward the other; and the only difference between us in this regard, is self-perception; which makes me think that I am mistaken; which makes me think that without silently creeps within to a point of saturation; which makes me think that I am very possibly---that I may be---that I probably am---completely without. And this is just the beginning; (and the end).

As I have circled this initial challenge---(conundrum?)---this week, I have also stumbled over smart, stupid, and ignorant. Does stupid perpetuate ignorant? Is ignorant totally unrelated to stupid? To what extent is smart a prerequisite for ignorant? Will a self-perception of any one of these provide advantage? If I see smart and stupid as relative, measurable / comparable intelligence, and I see ignorant as being oblivious, uninformed, and/or misinformed, then the questions above become somewhat leading. And this gleaning, so far, has given me a three-legged, open-air platform of uncertainty and confusion; (of course there are more than three legs, but this week it is these three that have borne the heft of my thought).

Is there a way to build walls, (with windows, of course), and a roof?

Or even a canopy to limit my exposure to the elements?

I am doubtful that I can build it large enough, (or secure enough), for any one but myself.

And even if I figure that out, I believe most, (and probably all), would ignore/refuse my invitation to come in out of the wind and the rain.

It appears to me that most individuals want---(need?)---this interaction that influences---(and skews?)---perception.

It appears to me that most people are satisfied---(happy?)---living without.

It might be easier, (and more secure), to build walls and a roof; but by doing so I believe it would become solitary confinement. Some have found this preferable. I don't believe it would work for me.

A canopy might work... ...when weather is good. But when a strong wind knocks it down, do I expend effort to immediately raise it again? Or do I pack up and move away from the wind? Or do I work to hold my ground, understand, and perhaps utilize that wind? Though this last option feels the most beneficially productive, it is essentially the same as my original, open-air, raised platform of uncertainty and confusion.

So perhaps any effort toward long-term shelter is counterproductive.

But if this is the case, then I am, again, completely without.

Unless...

Perhaps...

I could construct a retractable canopy to be adjusted according to circumstance. If done properly, this might also create the potential for an inviolable within.

I believe there will be many moments in which my within is only a kernel compared to the magnitude of without; but I also believe that the strength of this kernel...

Regardless, the forever substantive influence of without, (even---especially---when it offers an illusion of certainty), must be balanced by some degree of within in order to maintain and recognize the reality of uncertainty and confusion.

I do not understand, because I should not understand.

My self-perception must include uncertainty and confusion.

When I weave the perception of another, (or others), from without into my personal platform, I must also retreat into that kernel of within to know that it is okay that I am simultaneously smart, and stupid, and ignorant. Even---especially---from within, I do understand how seemingly contradictory aspects of "me" can and should ebb and flow dependent upon circumstance and perspective. This week, these aspects, (or legs supporting my personal platform), of smart, stupid, and ignorant felt weighty and important; and I believe their seemingly contradictory nature, (after being personally identified with each one), created considerable confusion, which is where I began.

...And which is where I shall end.

I have observed that one of my (not infrequent) fallback forms of relaxation is to talk about how hard I work. I have observed the same in others. It feels that our preferred (and natural) state is moving more and more towards one of relaxation and comfort, and further away from the necessity of hard work. Though the discomfort from a spate of hard work is generally short-term, if one works hard every day, one is in a perpetual state of short-term discomfort; and most of us don't mind saying so. I might argue though, that the satisfaction resulting from daily hard work is of a much higher quality; and, the daily hard work gives me less time for the aforementioned verbal relaxation.

I might also argue though, that quality of life is more directly associated with comfort than with adversity.

So which is it? Am I working hard in pursuit of comfort? Or am I working hard in pursuit of a greater depth of understanding through adversity? The reality for me is that I must work hard to (on occasion) enjoy comfort. And I believe this to be perceived reality for most of us. (As an aid in understanding individual perception), if I measured output and determined that Individual A works harder than Individual B, I suspect that 'A' may see 'B' as languorous or lazy, but 'B' likely perceives their self as working hard for their comfort. And some may also see 'B' as working smarter, though I would not forget to factor in happenstance, (i.e. Luck), as well.

Here I go again---learning something...

As I think about it, I believe humankind has always worked hard to move toward comfort. To seek food, shelter, and warmth, IS our natural state. Just because it has been more difficult in some eras than in others, and just because it is more difficult for Individual A than for Individual B, and just because I seem to learn and grow more from adversity than from comfort, does not mean that I should seek pain, and it does not mean that I should encourage pain, and it does not mean that I should inflict pain, and it does not mean that I should be angry with one who experiences less pain.

Pain and adversity will find each one of us, to some degree, throughout a Life. Nonetheless, I should also not equate pain or adversity with hard work.

Pain and adversity create a necessity for hard work. But one may also work hard by choice, thus creating some discomfort and pain, which in turn creates a greater potential for learning and growth, and potentially lessens adversity.

I should equate hard work with learning and growth.

And I believe it to be this love of expansion, and the satisfaction inherent in the process of learning, that drives one to choose a perpetual state of short-term discomfort.

This week, someone said to me, "It is not work, if you love what you do." I believe on a deeper level, this sentiment can be translated to, "It is not work, if you love where it takes you."

There is gradual change (characteristic of much of one's life), and then there are definitive moments, (in which one can clearly see a "before" and an "after").

"Before the birth of our daughter..."
"After we moved to Louisiana..."
"Since we got married..."
"Before my first heart attack..."
"After Hurricane Katrina...."

In the midst of a definitive moment, you sense it as such. You feel the weight of today because today is more different from yesterday, than yesterday from the day before.

But because it has the weight of (often) far-reaching consequence, does this necessarily make a definitive moment important? I might argue that importance is defined moreso by those (more frequent) moments that make up the gradual change of a lifetime, because it is within these day-to-day moments where one is able to choose the "best" action to advance Goodness. In the midst of a definitive moment, I believe urgency often trumps importance, and I believe urgency is often the enemy of importance. I believe it is not the definitive moment that is important, but rather one's day-to-day reactions following said moment.

In the sense that a definitive moment moves one in a different direction, it is important; but in and of itself, the definitive moment is more simply a series of urgencies.

Which appears to mean that one should consider planning for and initiating a definitive moment, with care. Of course some definitive moments, (such as sudden illness or accident), simply happen with little or no warning. And in one's youth, some definitive moments appear, (at least to a segment of the responsible adult world), as reckless or not well-thought-out.

Yet, looking back, I might argue that these haphazard definitive moments have more potential for learning and growth, than do the well-planned, responsible definitive moments. I might argue that too much care will diminish spontaneity; and fun. I might argue that too much constraint will lead to some level of stagnation; and quiescence.

I look around and see some responsible adults who are bored, and are second-guessing some choices... rethinking some planned definitive moments. I see in myself that many planned definitive moments did not live up to expectations. And though I would not wish upon anyone, (nor would I recommend), a hurricane, or a disability, or a heart attack, these are the definitive moments that in recent years have taken me in new and beneficial directions. And in my younger years, lacking experience, I find those (sort-of) planned definitive moments to be the most rewarding... my marriage... the birth of my children...

Innocence may be reckless, but I am finding it to be the better alternative.