hopelesshappiness.com

There is gradual change (characteristic of much of one's life), and then there are definitive moments, (in which one can clearly see a "before" and an "after").

"Before the birth of our daughter..."
"After we moved to Louisiana..."
"Since we got married..."
"Before my first heart attack..."
"After Hurricane Katrina...."

In the midst of a definitive moment, you sense it as such. You feel the weight of today because today is more different from yesterday, than yesterday from the day before.

But because it has the weight of (often) far-reaching consequence, does this necessarily make a definitive moment important? I might argue that importance is defined moreso by those (more frequent) moments that make up the gradual change of a lifetime, because it is within these day-to-day moments where one is able to choose the "best" action to advance Goodness. In the midst of a definitive moment, I believe urgency often trumps importance, and I believe urgency is often the enemy of importance. I believe it is not the definitive moment that is important, but rather one's day-to-day reactions following said moment.

In the sense that a definitive moment moves one in a different direction, it is important; but in and of itself, the definitive moment is more simply a series of urgencies.

Which appears to mean that one should consider planning for and initiating a definitive moment, with care. Of course some definitive moments, (such as sudden illness or accident), simply happen with little or no warning. And in one's youth, some definitive moments appear, (at least to a segment of the responsible adult world), as reckless or not well-thought-out.

Yet, looking back, I might argue that these haphazard definitive moments have more potential for learning and growth, than do the well-planned, responsible definitive moments. I might argue that too much care will diminish spontaneity; and fun. I might argue that too much constraint will lead to some level of stagnation; and quiescence.

I look around and see some responsible adults who are bored, and are second-guessing some choices... rethinking some planned definitive moments. I see in myself that many planned definitive moments did not live up to expectations. And though I would not wish upon anyone, (nor would I recommend), a hurricane, or a disability, or a heart attack, these are the definitive moments that in recent years have taken me in new and beneficial directions. And in my younger years, lacking experience, I find those (sort-of) planned definitive moments to be the most rewarding... my marriage... the birth of my children...

Innocence may be reckless, but I am finding it to be the better alternative.

One, two, four, five, seven, six, nine, ten, eleven, thirteen, twelve... In recent weeks I have discovered that this is how some people count. My workload has recently increased, but the hours I am available to work, have not. So until "the powers that be" are able to effectively restructure, I have been given some limited temporary help, and others are pitching in when they can. To aid in this transition, I have created a number of process guides. When given these step-by-step, numbered sets of instructions and one round of training, more often than not, the instructions are set aside and these grown-up, responsible adults forget how to count. And even once they are on their own, if I am nearby, they often choose to ask me rather than to find the answer amongst all those nonsensical hieroglyphics.

Perhaps it is a question of ownership. Or power. Or comfort. Or perhaps, in this day and age of instant social contact at one's fingertips, it is simply an aversion to the impersonal nature of written instruction. As cultural diversity, social interaction, and individual aptitudes have evolved, (all, I believe, for the better), learning styles have also changed. So perhaps my expectations for one to take ownership, without power, and with some discomfort, and to additionally count accurately from 1 to 13 without becoming distracted, are too high.

Really!

Perhaps Not.

Perhaps instead, I am being too quick to judge, and my expectations, (instead of being too high), actually fall short. I say this now, because as the learning process (for these specific tasks), has advanced, I am beginning to notice fewer questions and more frequent referencing of the written process guides. And I have found that thirteen really should go before twelve, and we really can skip eight. We have improved the process. At the beginning, what I took to be an inability to follow instructions was instead, a product of the aforementioned advanced and evolving individual aptitudes. Learners today don't necessarily have an aversion to the impersonal nature of written instruction, but we do have an aversion to blind obedience. Learners today are skeptical. Learners today need to ask questions, and want to understand. This is good. My original assessment was wrong.

To extend this thought, I believe that this practice of skeptical questioning and this desire for a greater depth of understanding, is more apparent and easier to implement in an impersonal circumstance, (such as written instruction). To add a friend or family member, or even just an acquaintance or a stranger with a charismatic personality, creates a more personal circumstance which has the potential to discourage skepticism and quell disagreement. This is not good.

Did I mention that I was wrong in my original assessment?

It is much easier to be skeptical than to be questioned. When I think about that and actively acknowledge that it is much easier to be skeptical than to be questioned, I also realize that the more personal and/or the more emotional the circumstance, the more difficult it is to practice productive, two-way skepticism. Even with my active acknowledgement, if another does not also actively acknowledge the value of being questioned, the learning and growth is halved. And this is why the fringe is the fringe, and also why the mainstream is divided; a network of tributaries of varying widths and depths and speeds, that split and evolve and rejoin and split again, with the fringe running alongside on the banks, trying to simultaneously dig new channels and keep up. It is no surprise that, (at least for now), most individuals choose to float along on the widest, shallowest, slowest, safest branch they can find.

But it is also encouraging to learn that thirteen can come before twelve.

Late last week, I had a difficult and disturbing dream. A stainless steel dinner fork was being held to my ribs on my left side. It was being maneuvered in a way to find entry between my ribs so as to gain access to my heart. I could not stop it. Finally, after multiple attempts, the angle was steepened and a potential opening was detected. I felt the eating utensil slide between the ribs, and rip and tear its way upward. I felt all four tines apply pressure and then slowly and painfully pierce the quivering muscle. I awoke still perceiving the sharp pain. After a few moments, it began to subside. I lay awake for some time afterward working to understand what it meant that in my dream I would wield such a weapon and cause such pain to myself. It is hard to explain the simultaneous feelings of horror and satisfaction upon finding this unexplored passageway leading to my Lifeblood.

The day before this dream I had an echocardiogram. With coronary artery disease and 7 Stents, the test was normal procedure. Today, (Wednesday), I got a call from my doctor's office with the results. Last Fall, at the time of my most recent Stent implants, my ejection fraction was 33%. It is now at 55%, which is in the normal range. This is not good news... It is great news! I have been worried; and I am fairly certain it is this anxiety that encouraged the content of my dream.

In a sense, I feel vindicated. For the past nine months, I felt I was to blame for the damage to my heart; but if there is truth in that, there must also be some truth in taking credit for the improvement. And regardless of the reality that both blame and credit are commonly exaggerated, it still feels good.

The connection between body and mind and emotion is undeniable. To dream and realistically---(realistically, in the sense that it is taken seriously and impacts physical and emotional responses)... To dream and realistically represent unspoken feelings and fears in a mind glaze of hallucinatory symbolism, is (for me) an indicator of the untapped depth and breadth of my potential for understanding. I do not consider these sleep forays to be magical or mystical, and I would consider them from "the beyond" only if one considers this "beyond" to originate from within. Unexplainable though it may be, in my sleep, I can see further, and delve deeper. In my sleep, I have less of a say. In my sleep, I am more truthful. In my wakefulness, I am afraid.

I want to understand. I want to see further. I want to delve deeper. I want to be more truthful. I believe by opening myself to these dreams I am strengthening these abilities, and in turn I am productively confronting conscious fear and anxiety.

It is Thursday morning. Last night I had another disturbing dream, exposing another unspoken, personal truth. I will not reveal details for fear---(a product of my wakefulness)---others will judge. (On a visceral level, this dream was drastically horrifying.) Yet, (at the risk of sounding Freudian), I still maintain that these mindmares, when properly examined, have more potential to reveal deeper personal truths than the decorum of our daily wakefulness ever will.

I have consistently had disturbing dreams for some number of years now. And, (as implied above), in some regards they are thought-provoking and helpful. Do I have these dreams because I am more open to truthfulness? Or are they merely a by-product of my (healthful) diet, my (coronary) medicines, or some other chemical or biological process or influence? Though I just spent this much of this paragraph on these questions, as I ponder them, I don't believe they are relevant. Perhaps I needed to get past these questions to realize that it is the content of my dreams that is relevant. It is the content of these disturbing dreams that help me to see further, delve deeper, and speak unspoken personal truths; (just, perhaps, not out loud). And by recognizing these exposed anxieties and fears, I believe I am able to, (not only build creative tension leading to productive confrontation), but also provide a sharper contrast, thus adding discriminatory value, to those all-too-rare, meaningfully substantive feel-good moments, such as I experienced yesterday.

Which, in a roundabout way, brings me back to my dream and those feelings of satisfaction keeping pace with the more obvious and expected feelings of shock and horror. How/Why is that a feel-good moment?

... ... ... ... ...

I could present some mystical, Karmic reasoning, such as: By seeking a passage that leads from this plane of empirical existence, I was symbolically seeking a path to Enlightenment. And though this answer has some possibilities, it also has some impossibilities. I will move on.

... ... ... ... ...

Perhaps a more practical explanation for these seemingly inappropriate feelings of satisfaction is that I have lived a Life. And while I have been far, (far, far...) from Perfect, I am satisfied with my effort. And while the prospect of those final moments may be horrifying, I should actively and productively confront the associated fear of what comes after. Death is inevitable. I must work hard from this moment to that moment to maintain satisfaction with my effort. This week I felt a weight lifted and effort rewarded. Instead of weeks or months, I have extended my outlook to years or, (perhaps excessively optimistically), even decades; and I have been reminded to continue my effort. In. Each. Moment.

Today is Saturday. Late yesterday, as I wrote the last words of the paragraph above, I believed this post was complete. This morning I received an email from an old friend in another state, who is battling cancer. Near the end he wrote, "You beautiful people have enriched my life." This is an example of sharp contrasts that add value to life experience. This is what makes the effort worthwhile.

It is a very difficult task, to live compassionately. For me, to move outside of my center to an extent that will allow another, (or others), to live beside me in a solitary cocoon of empathy and understanding can feel like a severing of an appendage of my essence; (this sounds extreme, but think about it). Based on my limited observation, most individuals are unable to even conceive of such an arrangement. I believe that individuals who suffer loss and embrace the pain specifically to learn from it, are more likely to make this Herculean effort toward sincere compassion, than those who insist upon the comforts of single occupancy.

Compassion in its perfect form---(a large silky bubble voluntarily inhabited by 7.4+ billion individuals living in equitably mutual beneficence)---is likely not attainable; at least not in my lifetime. But I would like to think that the possibility is at least conceivable, by a significantly increasing number of individuals, in my lifetime.

To move toward Compassion in its perfect form, one must move away from one's own center. Many would argue against this tactic, perhaps claiming that to love and/or care for another, one must first love oneself. I believe this argument to only entrench one more firmly in their personal center, thus denying another the possibility of equitable shared space. Love and Compassion must include willing sacrifice; and if I sacrifice, it may encourage another to do likewise, creating a second shared center; and then a third shared center; and then a fourth; and ultimately 7.4+ billion shared centers. And remarkably, when multiple individuals create space in and around one's own personal center, we now have more shared, supportive, compassionate, loving center space than we ever thought possible.

This past two weeks I have put forth much thought and effort toward a manageable process that would move me closer to this end. I am moving slowly. I began by working to be aware that much of the communication from me to another, is faulty long before it is verbalized. In the gaps from feelings to thoughts to words, much is lost. Realizing this creates a new awareness that since it is likely impossible for me to effectively communicate urgency or importance, it is also quite likely that the individual or individuals on the receiving end will not adequately or accurately interpret passion or emotion. When stated as such, this awareness feels basic. Yet I still find myself, (more often than I like), to be dumbfounded as to why another, (or many others), do not clearly understand what I work so hard to communicate.

This past two weeks, I have worked to hold on to this awareness (of perceived inconsequentiality) into and through my astonishment over other's misguided perceptions; only to find, on the other side of my astonishment, others staring back in astonishment, astonished that I have not clearly understood their communication or adequately interpreted their passion and emotion.

So Far:

1. Faulty Verbalization.
2. Inadequate Interpretation.
3. Two-Way Street.

This is approximately where my active thought has come to be, in this moment. In this past two weeks, to stay focused and aware, and to continue moving toward compassionate living, I have been assigning two values (with a sum of ten) to each interaction or encounter with another or others. (Truthfully, I have found it difficult to implement in every case, but I have worked it into a fair sampling.) For the first value I work to quickly gauge the circumstance and the individual (or individuals) encountered in order to glean a number that will depict their perception of their relative importance compared to their perception of my relative importance. The second number becomes the difference between the first number and ten; (which, of course, depicts their perception of my relative importance). This sounds like an exercise in frustration, but I have found that when I turn the process on its head, I suddenly come to a better understanding of their center. I believe that the more frequently and consistently I practice this, the more likely the two versions will become one, ultimately, (no matter whose perception I begin with), resulting in a personal relative importance never more than five. Imagine that! Human interaction with a promise of equitable understanding. Talk about potential to alleviate suffering!

I would estimate that when I start with another's perception, on average, they believe their relative importance to be a 7, leaving their perception of my relative importance at a 3. When I turn to my perception, being truthful to myself, these numbers are reversed. With close friends and family, the numbers are more in the neighborhood of 6's and 4's. Two 5's have been rare, and I have yet to come across another whose perception of their relative importance is less than 5; and I don't believe one's own perception 'should' be less than 5; (or for that matter, ultimately, with practice, more than 5).

I believe there are SOME, (perhaps MANY), that may incorrectly interpret another's perception, believing that they place personal relative importance below THEIR own ego-inflated sense of importance. But I also believe that if one of THESE many made the effort to question and listen and understand, THEY would discover that THEIR interpretation/belief that another individual thinks THEY are more important, is in actuality a product of power. (In other words), there is circumstance in which it behooves one to step back and let ANOTHER believe in THEIR confused sense of importance.

This process of understanding that one's center appears to be more consequential than it is, from within the center, is only the first step toward compassionate living. Once I have made room and allowed another, (or others), in, to share my center, this alone will not resolve the power struggle. To work toward two 5's, I may, at least in the beginning, have to sacrifice a larger portion of my center than I would like, thus (depending on the degree of willingness inherent in the sacrifice) creating discomfort or even pain. This is the more difficult task. Looking back, to this point in my Life, I believe that when I have experienced prolonged discomfort and pain, (where "prolonged" is defined differently according to circumstance), I have evicted my tenant(s). (In the case of my Wife, Children, and Granddaughter, evictions have always been temporary, but have taken place nonetheless.) I believe this revolving door of compassion is common for most of us, and again I have come to an awareness that, when stated, feels basic and obvious:

When I allow another, (or others), into my center, I often expect gratitude in the form of agreement. Instead, to more sincerely practice compassion, I must allow them to maintain their own center within mine. I cannot dictate another's beliefs or methods AND maintain sincere compassion. We can seek common ground and then discuss and/or (passionately, but respectfully) argue ways and means to enhance productivity and to improve on the status quo; and then we must thoughtfully step back with individual dignity intact, and with mutual appreciation.

I see now that in my Life, though I have cared for and even loved others, and though I have made sacrifices in the interest of others, I have never truly and sincerely lived compassionately; because I have always, (in the process of caring and loving), worked to bend others to my way of seeing things. I have bullied in the name of the Greater Good. I have evicted in anger and self-righteousness. I have dismissed and ignored with certainty and disdain. I have caused pain for the sake of power and control. And in this moment, I feel shame; and sadness.

And in this moment, I also feel an active hope, welling up from my center. If I am able to see this, I would like to think that the possibility of Compassion in its perfect form is at least conceivable, by a significantly increasing number of individuals, in my lifetime.

Random Thoughts:

• It has been a mobile week. I have traveled 1,453 miles by air, 1,201 miles by vehicle, and 18.6 miles by foot. Parallels can be drawn from this perspective based on mode and speed of conveyance, to one's everyday perspective based on (varying degrees of) complexity and depth of thought.

• Where there is no common ground, rather than pointless argument, we should set a date and agree to meet in 100 years, at which time resolution will be further advanced and/or ascertained. Upon this agreement, we can then agree to limit discussion to more immediate earthly relevance and move on to common ground.

• The possibility transcends the actuality. Which is why we are inclined to get mired down in possibility. To work and narrow the gap between possibility and actuality is good. To work and maintain status quo is (at best) nonproductive. Like-minded possibility has potential for (an "us and them") productivity, which in certain circumstance is desirable. The necessity of an "us and them" productivity is lessening with each generation.

• Passion comes from the Latin root "pati," which means "to suffer." Out of the blue, this week, my Wife asked me "does it hurt to be you?" Without hesitation, I responded, "Most of the time."

• Does Darkness inhabit? Or is Darkness inhabited?