This week, as the moments passed, each time the wispy nature of my searching thought began to take shape and tantalizingly dance to and fro, it would stretch and thin and curl, and ultimately slip through my grasping fingers.

I want to understand... ...something; something related to understanding---I think. Or I might think it is related to understanding because I don't understand; and because in a sense I guess everything is related to understanding. It began, (and ended), with my inability to determine if my self-perception largely originates from within or from without. I would like to think one, yet I am quick to judge others as being largely bent toward the other; and the only difference between us in this regard, is self-perception; which makes me think that I am mistaken; which makes me think that without silently creeps within to a point of saturation; which makes me think that I am very possibly---that I may be---that I probably am---completely without. And this is just the beginning; (and the end).

As I have circled this initial challenge---(conundrum?)---this week, I have also stumbled over smart, stupid, and ignorant. Does stupid perpetuate ignorant? Is ignorant totally unrelated to stupid? To what extent is smart a prerequisite for ignorant? Will a self-perception of any one of these provide advantage? If I see smart and stupid as relative, measurable / comparable intelligence, and I see ignorant as being oblivious, uninformed, and/or misinformed, then the questions above become somewhat leading. And this gleaning, so far, has given me a three-legged, open-air platform of uncertainty and confusion; (of course there are more than three legs, but this week it is these three that have borne the heft of my thought).

Is there a way to build walls, (with windows, of course), and a roof?

Or even a canopy to limit my exposure to the elements?

I am doubtful that I can build it large enough, (or secure enough), for any one but myself.

And even if I figure that out, I believe most, (and probably all), would ignore/refuse my invitation to come in out of the wind and the rain.

It appears to me that most individuals want---(need?)---this interaction that influences---(and skews?)---perception.

It appears to me that most people are satisfied---(happy?)---living without.

It might be easier, (and more secure), to build walls and a roof; but by doing so I believe it would become solitary confinement. Some have found this preferable. I don't believe it would work for me.

A canopy might work... ...when weather is good. But when a strong wind knocks it down, do I expend effort to immediately raise it again? Or do I pack up and move away from the wind? Or do I work to hold my ground, understand, and perhaps utilize that wind? Though this last option feels the most beneficially productive, it is essentially the same as my original, open-air, raised platform of uncertainty and confusion.

So perhaps any effort toward long-term shelter is counterproductive.

But if this is the case, then I am, again, completely without.

Unless...

Perhaps...

I could construct a retractable canopy to be adjusted according to circumstance. If done properly, this might also create the potential for an inviolable within.

I believe there will be many moments in which my within is only a kernel compared to the magnitude of without; but I also believe that the strength of this kernel...

Regardless, the forever substantive influence of without, (even---especially---when it offers an illusion of certainty), must be balanced by some degree of within in order to maintain and recognize the reality of uncertainty and confusion.

I do not understand, because I should not understand.

My self-perception must include uncertainty and confusion.

When I weave the perception of another, (or others), from without into my personal platform, I must also retreat into that kernel of within to know that it is okay that I am simultaneously smart, and stupid, and ignorant. Even---especially---from within, I do understand how seemingly contradictory aspects of "me" can and should ebb and flow dependent upon circumstance and perspective. This week, these aspects, (or legs supporting my personal platform), of smart, stupid, and ignorant felt weighty and important; and I believe their seemingly contradictory nature, (after being personally identified with each one), created considerable confusion, which is where I began.

...And which is where I shall end.