hopelesshappiness.com

Last week I walked on a beach and watched the sun rise for three consecutive mornings.

This week a bureaucrat charged me a $10 late fee partially because a separate autonomous bureaucracy got bogged down and under-performed, but mostly because I overestimated the consistency of bureaucracy performance and I underestimated the ability of the bureaucrat to move beyond simple market transactions into the more complex realm of human transactions.

Last week a Boss threatened to fire "the whole damn crew."

This week a young woman stopped by a blood drive to sincerely thank the donors for her monthly blood transfusions.

This week I saw a television commercial that implied it is okay to NOT pay close attention when you are driving a motor vehicle.

This week I cooked and I ate well.

Last week I participated in a respectfully vigorous discussion on the topic: "If the wealthy deserve their wealth, then do the poor deserve their poverty?" And this ultimately included the sub-topic: "Which comes first? Wealth or power?"

This week I heard politicians call each other names.

This week I learned of an adversarial encounter that took place last week at the local University, while I was (irrelevantly) out of town. It was ignited by an inappropriate and divisive racial slur.

This week, (and last week), I shared company, conversation, and laughter.

This week we chose a restaurant where we received poor customer service and experienced long wait times; but we were not in a hurry, we were relaxed, and we did not complain. Nonetheless, one of the managers recognized the problems, visited our table, apologized, and said she intended to comp one of our meals. She must've gotten busy... I paid the full bill with a healthy tip, and we left satisfied, mainly because the food was hot and fresh.

This week I finished two books, continued on a third, and started two more.

This week I realized that I am not put in my place, but rather I am in my place and on occasion others clamber over me.

This week I found myself clambering over others.

This week I was chided for saying "I am doing good" instead of saying "I am doing well."

This week I read the Nietzsche quote, "He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how." This week I was privileged to read personal stories of Human interaction interpreted as "a why" despite, (and often as a result of), difficult circumstance.

This week I saw a player injured in a football game.

This week I (again) thought extensively about the difference between "long-term" in the context of my Lifetime, and "long-term" in the context of the entire history and future of Humanity.

This week I enjoyed music.

This week I got honked at and shouted at while crossing at a crosswalk. And, in a separate occurrence, I was given the right-of-way and given a friendly wave while crossing at a crosswalk.

This week I saw someone smoking a cigarette while riding a bicycle.

This week I saw a breakdown in communication that could have been avoided with better planning and follow-up. This strategic snafu impacted a day-long event that in turn had the potential to impact the direction of multiple young lives.

This week, (and last week), I enjoyed solitude.

This week I overheard a craftsman explain his craft with an unassuming confidence and a quiet satisfaction.

Last week I played in the sand with my granddaughter.

This week I reaffirmed that Life here is better than not.

This week I read a claim that for the first time in the history of Humankind we are potentially positioned to engineer our own destiny; that is, the destiny of the whole of Humanity.

To do so responsibly, the claimant, (Yuval Noah Harari, author of "Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind"), says that we must ask the question:

"What do we want to become?"

Or, more to the point:

"What do we want to want?"

And he goes on to say:

"Those who are not spooked by this question probably haven't given it enough thought."

Then he asks one final question:

"Is there anything more dangerous than dissatisfied and irresponsible gods who don't know what they want?"

Life is broken and sad; and joyful and surprising. Bulbous and soft; and solemn and abrasive. Abrupt and incisive; and expressive and alluring. Desultory and decadent; and momentary and misunderstood. Gray and humble; and in demand and impertinent.

Yes; Life is rude.

Eccentric: Unusual, peculiar, odd, or strange; distinctive in nature or character.

Normal: Regular; conforming to the standard.

I am divided. I would like to be distinctive, but not peculiar. I don't mind being a regular guy, but I don't want to conform. I want the freedom of eccentric on the level playing field of normal, but I too often end up on the sideline. And I don't like the bench; especially the end of the bench; the end all the way opposite the water cooler; lonely; desolate.

In recent years I have practiced uncertainty and argued its necessity for learning and growth. I still do. But more and more frequently, (likely due to self-inflicted, increasing uncertainties), I struggle with diminished confidence and its resultant self-consciousness. There are occasions where this mixture of conflicting dynamics turns volatile; i.e. angry. This in turn drives me inward, only to (potentially) erupt later, catching some perhaps less-deserving innocents (and/or not-so-innocents) in its molten surge.

Uncertainty followed by insecurity followed by anger. Some self-confidence would curtail, (and possibly waylay much of), the anger. But if I practice more self-imposed self-confidence, I am, in a sense, also giving others permission to do the same, which is not consistent with my insistence on uncertainty. I look around and see that self-confidence is flourishing and, (like a fast-growing weed), threatening to choke out creativity, skepticism, and tolerance; as well as widen the (already-gaping) power and wealth gaps.

I don't believe additional self-confidence is the answer.

Yet, uncertainty makes me peculiar. Or does it simply make me feel peculiar? Perhaps it makes others see me as distinctive. Or is that wishful thinking? I know it does not make me normal. Look... "I know" something; that's Self-Confidence.

I missed a step above...

I missed two steps above...

Maybe more...

Yes. At least three...

Uncertainty should be followed by skeptical questioning. Skeptical questioning should be followed by mutual validation. Validation should be followed by rational argument. Rational argument should be followed by periodic agreement. The agreement must be periodic because this will also (periodically) create some degree of uncertainty, insecurity, and (possibly) self-consciousness, thus curtailing anger and avoiding damaging or dangerous. self-confidence. Consistent agreement, (for example by using one's power to surround oneself with "YesMen"), results in a surplus of self-confidence, thus eliminating all steps except agreement. I have the uncertainty, and I put forth many skeptical questions, but it is seldom that I am validated through rational argument and debate with another; hence, validation is replaced by insecurity and anger.

So I should amend my previous statement to say, "I don't believe artificial self-confidence, (i.e. Self-confidence sans extensive, legitimate, rational argument and debate), is the answer."

So if I cannot find a forum for debate, and if I cannot artificially inflate myself, then it appears that to tame my anger, I must somehow be okay with little or no validation; or I must stop asking questions, (rhetorical though they may be). I don't believe I am capable of quiescent acceptance; skeptical questioning has become habit. And by saying "I must somehow be okay with little or no validation," I believe I am actually saying "I must somehow be okay with insecurity."

We need two contextual definitions.

1. Validation: Equitably serious, voluntary acknowledgement and consideration followed by a mutually volitional desire for rational argument and debate.
   
   (Validation is NOT flattery, praise, compliments, acclaim, or having one's ego stroked. Validation is not agreement.)


2. Insecurity: Lack of confidence; self-doubt.
   
   (I believe that insecurity should be inevitable. I believe that anyone claiming complete or even comfortable security is delusional; perhaps functionally so, but still delusional.)

Looking at the clarification above, I AM okay with insecurity. I guess what I really mean to say is that "I  would like to more frequently find a way from the sideline to the game on the field." Or perhaps what I really, really mean to say is that "I would like to find a playing field where the game is not rigged." But I believe this last hope is unrealistic for me in this Lifetime. Regardless, I will continue to actively pursue this end, and perhaps contribute to a push toward a day when the game is not rigged; or at least, less so.

This week I am reading "Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind" by Yuval Noah Harari. In his chapter "The Scent of Money" he says, "Christians and Muslims who could not agree on religious beliefs could nevertheless agree on monetary belief, because whereas religion asks us to believe in something, money asks us to believe that other people believe in something." Extending this thought beyond religion and money, this is how the game is rigged. It is easier to believe that others believe in something and agree to go along, than it is to autonomously question and argue. Conformism is the great leveler of playing fields, whether the game is religion, politics, philosophy, business, education, career choice, social connections, cultural norms, job loyalties, family loyalties, or any number of other connective dynamics that influence our daily existence and/or define a purpose. Even seemingly simplistic beliefs such as obtuse entertainment choices often appear to largely be a result of groupthink.

At the risk of being redundant, I need this reminder: It is easier to believe that others believe in something and agree to go along, than it is to autonomously question and argue.

So even though I am okay with insecurity and I believe discomfort is necessary, I still feel the pressure to get out on the field and conform. Or more accurately, conform so I can get out on the field. I may claim to believe, and I may claim that I go along because I believe, but unless I precede my agreement with skeptical questions and validate the claim through rational argument and debate, it is not belief, it is conformity. And like it or not, I cannot go through this process of questioning and argument one time and then for the rest of my Life claim a belief; I must be uncertain, question, and argue on every occasion that the belief may have influence. For some beliefs that may be every waking moment of every day. When I do this on the field---(I do occasionally get on the field)---I frequently get flagged for Delay of Game, which ultimately, (one way or another), forces me back to the sideline. But if I do not question and rationally argue, I am (again) not consistent with my insistence on uncertainty; and all the steps that should follow.

Alack and alas. It seems I must to the sideline go.

But in this process of shuttling forth and back---(mostly back)---have I resolved anything?

Perhaps...

Ultimately...

I have a better understanding of why, at minimum, a consistent low thrum of insecurity, and periodic pokes and prods of self-consciousness are natural and necessary. And if my nature tends toward the eccentric anyway, perhaps this understanding will alleviate some stress of self-consciousness, and diminish some anger.

Perhaps...

"So back then it was, but now it's not?"

"No. Now it is, but back then it wasn't."

"But you said it was."

"It was. But it got too late, too soon; and then what was, wasn't."

"And so that led to what is now?"

"Yes. Because if what was at the very onset, remained without evolving, or never was, then what is now would not be."

"So our reality would be different."

"Yes."

"Better?"

"Quite likely; for some."

"What about me?"

"It's hard to say, because if what was, never was, or was curtailed before it got too late, then you may have never been."

"Oh. ...So overall, not better?"

"You mean if you had never been?"

"Yes."

"Well, from your perspective standing here now, perhaps. But if you had never been, you would not have a perspective, so from that perspective, I believe our reality now would be better."

"Without Me!?"

"I'm sorry, but yes. Like it or not, it's not all about you; or me."

"So how would it be better?"

"Fewer."

"Fewer?"

"Fewer."

"Fewer what?"

"Imagined realities... social constructs... bureaucrats... laws... rituals... dollars... egos... followers... news outlets... You Tube videos... I could go on."

"So what you're really saying is...?"

"Yes."

"...fewer people."

"Yes."

"So you are advocating some sort of Genocide?"

"No! Absolutely Not! Though I do believe that it is not all about you or me, I also believe that no single individual, that has lived in the past, is living in this moment, or will live in the future, is any more or less necessary than any other single individual. And because I believe this, any planned, purposeful, dispassionate, or indifferent reduction in Life, by any means or to any end, is the most deplorable social construct any one could imagine. I say that, yet if you look around, we imagine it, construct it, and act on it every day; most commonly due to divisiveness. But even if it were for alleged betterment, as I've already said, in my mind there is no justification."

"So you mean to say that we should value the sanctity of a Life, because we are all created equal and we must be fair in our dealings with others?"

"No. I believe equality is a fairy tale and fairness a myth. What I mean is that I believe each individual has an autonomous essence that is indispensable to that individual's concept of self, and that this individual necessity is equally valid from any one individual to any other one individual, and from the past, to the present, to the future. Any other sense of self that does not come from one's essence within, but is built on and/or dependent upon any social construct such as status, wealth, position, or perceived importance is at least one step even further removed from its imagined reality."

"So what?"

"Good question."

"I mean, imagined or not, any perceived reality is still a reality; and I don't see individual necessity to ever be as valuable as, say, the productive contribution of a successful CEO, or your State Senator, or your child's Teacher, or even the hard-working volunteer at the Soup Kitchen."

"Good points."

"So, what?"

"I'm thinking."

"I'll wait."

... ... ... ... ...

... ... ... ... ...

"So; here's what. What was decided in the past snowballed into today and contrived the inevitability of this unprecedented plethora of social constructs and imagined realities that are not only potentially, but likely interpreted differently from one individual to another. These varying interpretations have in turn led to ever more complex entanglements of reality, further distancing each of us from our personal necessity. A simplified reconnection with one's personal necessity restores firm footing, and creates the potential for one individual to authentically touch another. No matter one's philosophical or spiritual leanings, no matter one's contributions or successes or failings, when we understand and actively acknowledge individual essence we validate the Humanity and the most basic reality of each and every other single individual throughout all of time. And by doing so, we add value to personal necessity. Unfortunately, many and maybe most of us are too busy to untangle and find firm footing."

"So you're repeating what you said earlier; that what was, led to what is, and now we're trapped."

"Not necessarily."

"Not necessarily what? What was? What is? Or not necessarily trapped?"

"We're not necessarily trapped."

"But to say that fewer people will make things better, yet to believe in the necessity of individual Life, and to follow with your acknowledgement that we're too busy, sounds like a trap to me. How then do we disentangle and impact what will be?"

"More."

"More?"

"Yes."

"Okay; I'll ask. More what?"

"Conversation... understanding... learning... tolerance... compassion... nature... humor... skepticism... vision... interdependence... trust... creativity.. I could go on; as could you."

"How do I know this will impact what will be? How do I know yours is not an imagined reality?"

"At this point, it is. It will only become real when it becomes a part of one's essence. When a majority of us reconnect with our personal essence."

"Has it become a part of your essence?"

"Not nearly as I believe it should be."

"Then how?"

"More... More of those qualities that will carry more of us to common ground."

"How can you be sure?"

"I'm not. Being skeptical, I don't know anything with certainty; not even my own mind. But based on the evidence, I strongly suspect."

"What single statement best sums up your strongest suspicions?"

"That it may not be too soon for too late."

"And you believe the answer is 'More'?"

"Yes. Look at the evidence."