It is time I let go…
This is rant, invective, diatribe. You don't have to listen.
The moment I make the effort to contact or connect, it is time I let go. Using tennis as an analogy, once I have lobbed the ball in play to the other side of the net, if it is not immediately, consciously, and willingly lobbed back in an effort to continue the volley, I should let go. If it is not returned at all, that tells me one thing. If it is returned as an overhand smash, that sends a different message. If it is guided to a far corner or gently dumped in the forecourt in an effort to make me chase and look foolish, that is yet another declaration. If, on the other hand, it is lobbed back, and if the volley continues for a time in this manner, then it is okay to begin testing limits, for example lobbing to the backhand side, or adding a little spin or speed. The purpose of course, to challenge and improve. And at this stage, even if one or the other of us overextends or fails to return, I believe it is okay to start again, knowing that to start again is to first establish a comfortable volley.
In early October I lobbed a manageable serve across the net. My employer has yet to return the volley. I was hoping for contact, an exchange, a connection. At least with an overhand smash or a well-placed, unreachable comeback I would have known my standing and perhaps my decision would have been easier, or come quicker. Or perhaps not. Regardless, here I have been, feet gently bouncing, stance wide, knees bent, racket at the ready, holding on to my spot in anticipation of a return volley. Standing here for nearly three-and-a-half months waiting for a response has (in addition to worthless, unwanted, humored, unnecessary, demeaned, and foolish) made me feel sad - sad for me, yes, but also sad for those who have no choice - those who feel they must hang on. My employer has not only dropped the ball, they have purposely tossed it away and lost it; and if they have done so with me, I am certain there are others.
This week I finally chose to let it go; walk off the court. I applied for social security retirement effective March 1. I turned 65 in December and I am not quite to full retirement age (66 years and 10 months), meaning I cannot unring this bell. For those who don't know, if you opt for early retirement (less than full retirement age), your employment income has limits; meaning I can no longer work full time for my present employer - not that they care. My decision is practical though as well as emotional. I can make (for me, significantly) more money working part time in retirement than I can continuing to work full time for this employer. What I am sacrificing is some security; giving up accumulated and additional paid time off as well as the potential for some disability pay if ever needed. Risky? Perhaps. But as a lifelong advocate of justice and equity, I cannot stay for long where I do not feel welcome.
For my first 14 months in this position (through this past October) I was expressive and truthful and very clear that if change did not occur I was unlikely to be here for the next academic year cycle. In fact this was the exact message I lobbed across the net to my immediate supervisor in early October and I made it no secret to multiple others in my neighborhood. An academic year cycle specific to my job responsibilities begins in January / February with winding down the current academic year and preparing for the upcoming academic year. This is followed urgently with a significant ramping up in March and April and then a constant deluge from May thru November or December, before allowing for a breath or two coming back around into February. Throughout my time with this employer, my gripes - complaints - suggestions (depending on perspective) were consistently discounted - unheard - ignored so I scaled that communication back after the unreturned volley in October. I am left to conclude that since I was expressive and truthful and clear, and since I was not heard or even acknowledged, my departure is encouraged. And whether I am (in practice) or not, it is obvious that for all intents and purposes I am seen as unnecessary and easily replaced. I really do hope for the sake of the students I help to support that I am overestimating my value and that those in charge have assessed the situation correctly. The challenge will be, since students cycle through then move on, there are not many constituents who will be able to compare the upcoming year to this most recent year, and additionally there will be the built-in reason (excuse) that there is now only one person to do the job that two have been doing, though I would argue three because I believe I have been doing the job of two, though again that might just be my ego or pride talking.
Furthermore, in my inconsequential position I am only required to give two weeks notice. Due to my sense of responsibility (that includes never calling off sick) I have accumulated significant paid time off and according to another rule they will only pay up to 80 hours of accumulated PTO upon separation. So, based on the lack of communication, caring, and acknowledgment during my time in this department, I fear losing time I have earned if I do not use it up before giving notice. I fear time off requests will be denied once I have given notice. I do feel bad and will apologize to some individuals for the short notice that is coming, but I cannot afford to take the chance of losing more than I already am. In particular the second person with whom I share a majority of responsibilities has a long-anticipated surgery scheduled for March. Her time off has already been approved. If her health is put on hold or if her recovery is rushed in some way due to my resignation, it will be easy for those in power to throw me under the bus; make me the bad guy - even though they have had every opportunity to address this and work towards resolution. As previously stated, the fact of no return volley from my supervisors indicates (at best) they don’t care and (at worst) they want me gone.
Finally I once again acknowledge the possibility that I will not be missed. Perhaps my co-worker will have her surgery as scheduled and get the time off she needs, and perhaps the students will be taken care of as well or better than ever before.
This has been rant, invective, diatribe. Thank you for listening.