For the past 3 to 4 weeks I have been looking for an answer, and today I realized that I had not yet clarified the question. Who am I kidding? I don't even know if I know what the question is. I have been here before; and I have a nagging suspicion that I have previously written on (or at the least, I have often alluded to) the lack of wisdom in placing answers before questions. So now, through this self-guided form of written analysis/therapy that I perform each week, I am going to take a step back, and make an effort to objectively identify the question, and then seek potential resolution.
To seek an answer before a serious consideration and a careful formulation of the question, is a bit like consulting a psychic; and (respectfully) most friends and acquaintances, if asked for advice, (especially with no dog in the race), will respond psychically as well. I may find some general, non specific wisdom hidden in the proverbial and predictable platitudes, but these psychic counsels will be superficial and will more likely lead to a superficial and temporary solution.
And this is where I find myself, again. Previous solutions have been temporary, and I keep cycling back to what appears to be the same question. I am looking for an an answer that will calm internal disquiet, and I have previously determined the ultimate question to be one of comfortable safety vs. uncomfortable principled action; (see this previous post). But after this, my fourth (or fifth?) cycle, I am reasoning that perhaps I am asking the wrong question. Perhaps if I hop off this merry-go-round, instead of hopping onto another merry-go-round, I should first ask which piece of equipment will be more productively agreeable. But it feels like that is what I have been doing, only to find the jungle gym (or the swingset, or the teeter-totter) is either housed upon a merry-go-round, or, (after a given time), magically morphs into a merry-go-round. If due to circumstance, each piece of equipment on this playground ultimately creates vertiginous instability, perhaps I need to find another playground. Yet I have been assigned to this one; and there are electric fences; with razor wire; and guards at the gate.
In fairness, I am relegated to this specific playground only for a specific role/segment of my daily existence. Once my daily (maximum security) time is served, I am often transported from this playground to various minimum security playgrounds that provide more productive, rewarding diversion. And, on a fairly regular basis, I am released to explore other, even less restrictive playgrounds of my choosing. I also understand that there are some playgrounds much worse than my maximum security playground. So perhaps the question some would have me ask is---"Why not be grateful? And quiet? And serve your time"---but I refuse to ask that question, because from experience I also know there are nicer playgrounds; playgrounds from which I am banned. And I am not one to quietly accept what I perceive as injustice.
So perhaps I will move closer to the question I need to ask, by asking first, "Does my perception accurately reflect reality?" Utilizing hindsight, I can now see that some past roles were actually simple merry-go-rounds yet I perceived them at the time as jet-fueled rocket ships. My perception failed me then, so am I able to trust today's perceived reality? As I consider this question, it poses a dilemma. Is what I perceive today as a merry-go-round, in actuality a rocket ship? Or a steam locomotive? Or even a tandem bicycle? Am I really just going in circles? Or is there a spinning forward progress in which I am distracted by the spinning, thus unable to detect the forward progress?
It appears I have determined that (at least) my in-the-moment perception of reality cannot be trusted. Which in turn would seem to dictate that any individual's in-the-moment perception of reality cannot be trusted. And if this is true, then how can I trust any current perception of (past, present, or future) reality. Yet each one of us will continue to perceive and define our individual realities. It also, (at first glance), appears that these arguments may have moved me further from determining the question I must ask to aid in resolving my current discord. But perhaps the redundancy of this specific dilemma cycling round and round, again and again, is encouraging me to look beyond the piece of equipment.
In the past, when there was like turmoil or disharmony, I blamed the merry-go-round and hopped off, only to end up on another merry-go-round. The playmates were different, and the mechanics and operational details were different, but the damn thing, (regardless of marketing propaganda), was still a simple merry-go-round.
So even though the piece of equipment, the playmates, and the operational mechanics have influence, it appears that the ultimate question must be moved toward a bigger picture perspective of the playground and of my perception of reality. So the questions become as follows:
- Is it possible to relocate to a different playground?
- Is it possible to alter my current perception of an unjust reality?
The answer to the first question is "Yes, it is possible, but it is also difficult." I successfully relocated once for a short period, but was ultimately kicked out of the new playground, and sent back to this one.
I will begin to answer the second question with a question: If I manage to alter my current perception of reality and create a new one, which perceived reality then becomes more delusional? Perhaps delusional is too strong a descriptor for the original perception, but if I cannot completely trust any perception, and if I work to destroy one perception with another, I believe delusional to be an apt adjective for an invading perception created simply to quell an inner uprising. It feels that an uprising is an uprising for a reason, and this is why I do not believe that the first perception will be conquered or destroyed; perhaps forced into hiding... but not destroyed. And if this is the case, it appears that the newer, synthetic perception is merely a pretender to the throne; and the original, organic perception is more truthful.
I believe being truthful to/with oneself is important. To hide truthfulness from another is common and, (for the sake of social civility and progress), often necessary. To hide truthfulness from oneself is quixotic and specious. To hide truthfulness from another can be a strategy for moving closer to Truth. To hide truthfulness from oneself is often a strategy to avoid proximity to Truth. This "fear" of Truth often manifests as certainty. This certainty, as it becomes more and more entrenched, exponentially distances one from Truth and from truthfulness.
Truthfulness is not the same as Truth. Truthfulness is an active acknowledgement of specific uncertainties (and of the inevitability of uncertainty), coupled with serious effort, (often initiated in the form of questions), to find Peace. Truth is that (ultimately unattainable) Peace.
I believe there is Truth to be discerned.
I do not believe perception is reality.
Yet, to be defined, reality must first be perceived / discerned.
Therefore, Truth is beyond reality.
Yet I believe there is Truth to be discerned.
So finally, after all this, my answer to question #2 above is "No. I cannot alter my current perception of an unjust reality." Regardless, in these few days of written thought I have made a stronger effort to detect forward progress within my current circumstance of vertiginous instability, and lo and behold, I have found some. Not a lot. And not as much or as quickly as I would like. But there, nonetheless. I have not altered my perception; I have expanded it. So now I believe the question all along was one of seeing the bigger picture; not only the untrustworthiness of my perception and the whole playground (and beyond), but also the bigger picture upon this specific piece of equipment.
For now, I will hang on.
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