hopelesshappiness.com

From where I sit, I see bureaucracy embracing rules and laws that are made and enforced to protect the protected. Layer upon layer of comfort and security that, (I believe), serves to stifle joy. Yes; there are those having learned this, able to purposely step away from their comfort and security in order to experience joy. From where I sit, I don't need to step as far as some. I find joy on a fairly consistent basis. So far this week I found joy in making a breakfast casserole. I found joy in laps 18 - 90 in the first of my twice-weekly swims. I found joy in having a meaningful conversation with my wife.

But with joy, comes heartache. One cannot be, without the other. And yes; there are those having learned this, able to quickly step back into their layered comfort and security in order to avoid heartache. From where I sit, I don't always have easily-accessible comfort and security. I find heartache on a fairly consistent basis. So far this week I found heartache in a powerful bully impacting the world. I found heartache in a powerful bully impacting my family. I found heartache in a disappointing letdown from a work supervisor.

Joy without a consistent contrast to heartache, is not as vibrant. Heartache muffled by comfort and security, is not as instructive. To live is to, (as much as is humanly possible), experience the unadulterated extreme; and then again.

Some may scoff at comparing the momentary joy of a breakfast casserole with the lasting impact of a legislative bully. Some may scoff, believing I am working to compensate for 1) my lack of comfort and security, and 2) my failure to be a cog in the system. And perhaps I am. I have been a cog; and I was decommissioned for sudden limitations due to a disability. Having been there, it is likely accurate to say that if there had been no dismissal, I would still be a cog. So perhaps it is also accurate to say that I am compensating. But this does not take away value found in the offset. And it is not a validation of the system nor an attestation to an inherent superiority to be found in comfort and security. I believe, in a long-term reckoning, adversity is far more instructive with much greater potential for productivity.

From where I sit, it appears that comfort and security is frequently buoyed by self-importance which is often a byproduct of insecurity; (which is an interesting observation, that insecurity bolsters security). This is more obvious in some than in others, but I believe it to be present (to some degree) in any individual caught up in or by our bureaucratic system of rules and laws. We are enticed by the siren song of comfort and security, and whether resulting from a bad choice or a freak storm, some are dashed upon the rocks, and some of those are thrown ashore to wither and die. Others are given a life jacket, and still others a leaky rowboat with a paddle, and encouraged to make their way back to the luxury liners in deep water. I made some poor choices, and then I was caught in a freak storm; but I am still paddling.

This week I was demoted. Not based on performance, not in title, not in pay; but in responsibilities due to shifting priorities. I work part time screening applicants to present for committee review to determine interviews. We are projected at more than double the applicants this year over last year. I am willing and able to work full time and made my work supervisor aware of this in June. Though we get an application fee for each application submitted, in more than four months of awareness, this decision has not been a priority. Beginning this week I am no longer performing an in-depth screening. I have been forced to choose quantity over quality. Three years ago I was hired as a file clerk. I was promoted (in responsibilities only) to data analyst / coordinator, and now I have been demoted back to file clerk.

My second favorite part of this job was the data analysis and correlation to advance process improvement. My favorite part of this job was getting to know the candidates. From where I sit, the inability to perform at a high level, is heartache.

Yet, I still found joy this week. And that is the point. Heartache intensifies joy. I am still energized by the breakfast casserole I made, though I did not eat a bite; the joy was in the creation, and it helped that it turned out well. And I just finished my second swim this week, doing 100 lengths for the first time since I began swimming again in June. Another moment of joy that will energize beyond the moment.

And as for the heartache... The resulting discomfort and insecurity moves me to reassess and explore options. If I were still a cog in the system, numbed by comfort and security (and "good enough"), I would better understand and accept the political and bureaucratic indecision, and may have even instigated it. But from where I sit now...

...I have a better view.

When someone apologizes and says, "I don't mean to;" typically that is exactly what they mean to do. This week, after interrupting three times, an individual said, "Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt." and then proceeded to interrupt for a fourth time; in a span of less than 10 minutes. Perhaps four interruptions is their obliviousness threshold. I wonder what their threshold is for taking responsibility? I wonder what the number is that would push them into synergistic awareness? And if they ever reach that number? Or is it more likely that once they become tangentially aware of their discourtesy, they temporarily retreat and permanently forget, thus not advancing the number to a point where it might benefit future awareness.

We all do this. With some it is, "I don't mean to argue (divisively as opposed to constructively)." With others it is, I don't mean to be critical." With still others it is, "I don't mean to rain on your parade." And with some it is, "I don't mean to belittle." With me it is, "I don't mean to lecture" AND "I don't mean to be difficult" AND (on occasion) "I don't mean to be smart (i.e. sarcastic)." And in each example, there is a degree of arrogance at play. So, I don't mean to pick on this one individual... but now that I am past bullying, my intent is to better understand synergistic awareness.

The concept of synergistic awareness applies to those, (I hope, the majority), who do acknowledge their arrogance by (at the least) "not meaning to." For those who obliviously interrupt, argue, criticize, belittle, etc., with no conscious acknowledgement, synergistic awareness will likely be interpreted as narcissistic affirmation and reflected as obliviousness. And just as one's Humanity demands occasional unintentional arrogance, it also demands varying levels of narcissistic obliviousness; which means I am guilty of both.

Simply knowing this should nudge me toward synergistic awareness. And having come to this point, I can see this thought reinforcing previous thought (from 7/6/13, 8/24/13, and 9/17/16) in which I stated that, "no single individual, that has lived in the past, is living in this moment, or will live in the future, is any more or less necessary than any other single individual." This specific thought has evolved into what I perceived as a fairly thorough analysis of why I believe this. Perhaps I need to work toward a (previously unthought) complementary and/or deeper understanding...

I believe synergistic awareness reinforces this idea of any two individuals being as necessary because it is plainly demonstrated within the practice of synergistic awareness. If synergistic awareness begins with courtesy, it probably moves from there to varying magnitudes of respect combined with sincerity, and upon reaching a symbiotic state of sincere respect, synergistic awareness approaches a perfect balance of necessity. Maximum synergistic awareness is a team sport, requiring a minimum of two players. The fact that it is not maximally achievable by one individual, makes it a nice vehicle for illustrating mutual necessity.

Perhaps this extends previous thought by identifying a starting point for mutual necessity. By paying attention to immediate external happenings and circumstance, one is confirming the impartial nature of reality, and by paying attention to another's reactions, one is gauging the appropriateness of their own actions. I strongly suspect though, that once an individual begins this practice of diligent attention, even if able to occasionally reach a symbiotic state of sincere respect, we would find that it is not the finish line; rather a new starting point.

So after widening one's circle to work toward maximum synergistic awareness becomes an ongoing habit, I believe there will be a natural progression to other beneficial practices including willing service, persistence, patience, compassion, and altruism. But I must remember that synergistic awareness can be practiced by me alone, but can only be maximized when it is mutual; and (obviously) only positively supports mutual necessity when it is mutual. So, is there a way to encourage shared synergistic awareness?? Or is it a concept that must develop from within the individual?

I am afraid that if I encouraged, it may come across as, "I don't mean to lecture, but..." I will work hard to lead by example, and I will occasionally lead by failed example, and I will forever be a student, but to compel adult learning will always be less successful than to mutually aid another, as both teacher and student. And the only way this will be accomplished is on common ground.

I am frustrated by this week's effort to come to a deeper understanding. The only addition to learning I see, is the identification of synergistic awareness as a starting point for illustrating the value of mutual necessity. The rest is redundant. But it is Friday night, and lacking a significant epiphany I may have to settle.

Which actually, may be a new thought. Perhaps my new learning for this week is to settle for personal improvement, when I determine that results are greater. In math terms, if there are 7,574,118,038 individuals each designated by a different number, and if my goal is advancement, and if improvement1 = individual1 movement + individual1 learning, and advancement = improvement1 + improvement2, and in scenario 1 I put forth x number of units of work toward improvement1 (where 1 is me) and 0 units of work toward improvement2 (where 2 is another) and in scenario 2 I put the same x number of units of work toward improvement2 and 0 units of work toward improvement1, and when I solve for advancement and find that advancement is greater in scenario 1 than in scenario 2, I am not settling for improvement1, I am choosing the most beneficial option.

So how do I determine when (or if) advancement will be greater by putting forth work units toward improvement2? I believe, when I put forth any work toward improvement2, the initial work is an olive branch to gauge willingness to learn. And I believe that when the olive branch is accepted, learning becomes mutual. An olive branch is an expenditure of effort, but it can be (and should be) minimal; as minimal as an invitation to communicate face-to-face. So if (as previously stated, where 1 is still me) improvement1 = individual1 movement + individual1 learning, and if my olive branch has been accepted, then my units of effort are doing double duty by increasing both improvement1 and improvement2, (i.e. mutual learning), thus resulting in a greater increase in advancement.

So perhaps "I don't mean to lecture" because I did not first extend an olive branch; I did not first reach out to determine potential for productive communication. And when I do not extend an olive branch, effort is more likely to become an inordinate number of units of work toward improvement2, to find that improvement2 = 0. I am better spending that effort on improvement1. But when I am able to establish productive communication, advancement has the potential to grow exponentially.

Epiphany: Offer an olive branch.
Epiphany: I must solve for Advancement.

With effort, there is always a greater depth of learning.

I am energized because I am disappointed; and as a result, I am seeking validation. I would like to be more high-minded than this, but there it is; validation. Is validation just "purpose" or "direction" viewed from the inside out? "A Calling" certainly sounds more principled and noble than reassurance, but from where does the primary motivating factor originate? Could it be even more base? Am I perhaps working to justify my existence in order to explain my instinctive need to survive? Is it a path from instinct to desire to intrigue to acceptance to recognition to affirmation to direction to meaning? Or is it a single point with many names? I am sure this is not a new question. Perhaps I should research...

...After a tiny, tiny, tiny, infinitesimally tiny amount of research, I am going to take as a given that my instinct for survival has influence, and I am going to follow the path from there through the selfishness of validation in search of the virtue of purpose; assuming... hoping... that there is some unselfish goodness to be found.

I have addressed purpose in previous written thought, relating it to futility:

"...Futile is a very strong word; and in the narrow context of self-centered individual purpose, it is exactly the right word. If I work to save myself, I will ultimately disregard the world, and this effort will in no way significantly-delay or prevent the inevitable end of my earthly days; therefore I cannot work to save myself. But if I work to save the world, (the world that has an opportunity to continue beyond me), I believe that there is a chance that I might (perhaps accidentally) save myself along the way. Of course it is pretentious and preposterous for me to think that I may save the world---but it gives me purpose."

In this post I define validation as follows:

"Equitably serious, voluntary acknowledgement and consideration followed by a mutually volitional desire for rational argument and debate. (Validation is NOT flattery, praise, compliments, or having one's ego stroked. Validation is not agreement.)"

After reviewing this previous thought, though I have dignified validation, I still maintain its selfish nature because it clearly reflects an internal desire to relieve a degree of insecurity. And though I have simultaneously elevated and humbled purpose, I still believe it reflects a (sometimes slanted) desire to improve (sometimes specific) external circumstance and contribute to the well-being of (sometimes specific) other individuals.

Mark Twain said, "The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why."

I realize there is only one day on which I was born, but I have to ask, how many (second) days have I lived believing I have found my true purpose in life? I'm not sure I can count them all.

I believe each one of us becomes somewhat jaded with life experience, but perhaps I am moreso because, for the past two years, I have spent my days reading applications for admission into a Master of Physician Assistant Studies program. In part, it is important for a candidate to feel compelled to serve as a medical professional. And in a large majority of the applications, I read a version of Mark Twain's second day in which an individual discovers their calling. This week I read from the hand of one such candidate, confident and ebullient, certain they had found their future; but with a GPA of less than 2.80 and fewer than 750 hours of actual patient care experience, I feel a prescient pain reminiscent of multiple personal disappointments strewn in my wake. This is Life, and as stated in the first sentence above, I have learned to cull energy from disappointment. Learning from the past, I say that I eagerly anticipate disappointment, but I am still, (more often than not), blindsided. Learning from the past, I am sorry for those individuals who have only one "Day Two" and few life-altering disappointments, and quickly and efficiently move to their chosen vocation. Do these "Only-One-Day-Two" folks ever have second thoughts? (If so, they probably only have them one time.) Attempt at humor aside, I can't imagine them not suffering some twitches and pangs of uncertainty; though I can imagine them burying these tics beneath confident smiles and entitled artifice.

So perhaps I have established that most individuals adjust their aim throughout Life, but the question remains, is Purpose basically selfish or is there genuine goodness to be found? We are running alongside the concept of good intentions and we must acknowledge the potential for delusional sincerity. So if purpose will forever be entangled with selfishness, perhaps the question should become, will I find a validating circumstance in which I can truthfully share my essence?

I have to study this question for a moment. "Will I find a validating circumstance in which I can truthfully share my essence?"

Perhaps in recent years, I have accidentally created such an opportunity. By writing essentially uncensored weekly thought, I have the opportunity to share. The question now becomes, does anyone care enough to work at interpreting my meandering? I can truthfully say that this effort has evolved into a sincere desire to help all of Humanity. So perhaps by working to save the world, I have created an opportunity to save myself. But by doing so, I have also created a circumstance in which I am much more likely to be disappointed, because I am not asking another to simply flatter me or agree with me. I am asking another to truly KNOW me.

And I realize, that is asking a lot.

And I realize, it is even a bit terrifying.

Perhaps this is why many thinkers are not discovered until after their death.

And that thought actually validates my efforts. Because if I can be so BOLD as to work toward saving the world, I must be so BOLD as to think I may actually one day do so; even if not in my Life.

...Even if not in my Life.

This week I learned that "[Puerto Rico] is an island surrounded by water. Big water. Ocean water."

Now that we have defined "island" and disparagingly identified the specific size and body type of water surrounding Puerto Rico, perhaps we can move on to how and/or why the islanders allowed themselves to be surrounded by fatty brine. It sounds like my heart. And I can say from experience that my heart was ambushed. I thought it was surrounded by light and filled with goodness, but No! Unbeknownst to me, this sneaky fat crept up in the night, and under the cover of fried chicken and gravy marshaled resources until... BOOM! A surprise attack.

I should have known better. Puerto Ricans should have known better. Perhaps we can just transport them all here to our country based on our goodness and light. But No! Our goodness and light has been overtaken by fried chicken and gravy.

Speaking for myself, I have drastically reduced the fatty intake and I am working diligently on bringing back the goodness and light. It may take many, many years to recover from previous excess, but my odds are right now very good that I will have many, many years to recover my former self.

As for our country...
...well
...we like fried chicken and gravy.

And as for Puerto Rico...
...well
..."This is an island surrounded by water. Big water. Ocean water."

Lightning strikes! A branch severed. Suddenly, dramatically, what appeared to be whole, is not. Yet I still see a tree, and a branch. Is it the suddenness that detracts from its essence? Or is its essence truly and irretrievably lost? The tree is still a tree; the branch a branch. Yes, the branch will decay and eventually, seemingly disappear. But despite the loss, the tree can heal, and from there continue to grow.

I am the tree and I am the branch. I have felt whole and I have felt lightning. I have continued to grow and I have (on momentary occasion) felt complete. I have been cut off and I have disappeared. In a few extreme moments, I have been the healing power and, sadly, I have also been the lightning. One day I will begin to decay.

Yes, it is the shock of feeling torn apart, or the savagery of tearing apart, or the utter dismay in witnessing a dramatic dispossession, that creates (what I believe is) an illusion of irretrievable loss. In most cases, this illusion passes. It passes because I am eventually able to acknowledge that though circumstance has changed and though I have changed, (even as lightning) I am not less human for it. And I am able to acknowledge a Humanity with healing power, and my continued potential for growth. This sounds obvious; but it is good to hear.

Lightning scars. Tears of anger are a reminder of loneliness; and loneliness demands inaction-that-leads-to-isolation. Tears of anger are in fact tears of submissive resignation.

Sadness heals. Tears of sorrow are a reminder of possibility; and possibility demands action-that-leads-to-joy. Tears of sorrow are in fact tears of simmering joy.

I believe a tree, despite catastrophic loss, maintains its essence. Beyond separation, a connection will continue.

I believe a severed branch maintains its essence. Beyond decay, a resonance will continue.

Any branch, once attached to a tree, will enduringly reverberate from the deepest roots to the newest, tiniest outstretched buds. A harmonic oscillation that will play on the senses. Perhaps ascribed and powerful. Perhaps subtle and gentle. Nonetheless, forever.

On occasion, I am the lightning.

Through sadness, I strive to be the healer.

Once and always, I am the tree...
...and I am the branch.