hopelesshappiness.com

"Things are working out well... ...As tough as this was, it's been a wonderful thing. I think even for the country to watch and for the world to watch." (Speaking from Houston, after Hurricane Harvey.)

"Have a good time, everybody!" (Decreed upon departure from a Houston shelter, after Hurricane Harvey.)

"I'm not going to rule out a military option." (Who knows? Perhaps when he was angry with the Senate over healthcare.)

These are only recent examples of a dystopian disconnect; meaning, he believes the illusion and cannot fathom why anyone would not believe. The illusion of course, is a Perfect Society. An illusion fed by masquerading fear. And how could it be anything but? To sense fear is to project fear in an everlasting echo of primal understanding and action; unthinking, instinctive, and destructive. Yet to touch that fear, is to be perceived as weak. So what he believes, what we believe, is that our projection is our illusion, and that our illusion is (or should be) mutual. The actuality is that one's illusion is personal, and that one's projection (of fear) is reciprocal. Yet still, one's actions are guided by one's illusion, and one's reactions are guided by another's fear.

I believe all things divisive, (be it nationalism, sexism, politicism, racism, or any other form of supremacism), originate from an illusory perspective of potential perfection, that when allowed to germinate, and left unchecked, will grow into a dystopian future of fear and oppression. (We only have to look at multiple historical examples of past circumstance that did exactly that). The illusion we are currently being asked to buy into though, is beyond an issue of supremacy. The illusion currently being offered up flows deeper than a mere paradigm shift. The majority of us who are moving toward global compassion are not simply being asked to apply different standards; we are being asked to digress and regress. We are being asked to give in and give up. We are being asked to play and pretend. We are being asked to sit back and enjoy the show.

"John Chrysostom, archbishop of Constantinople at the turn of the fourth century, urged that the liturgy should be more exciting, complaining that it was difficult for Christians to compete with the theatricality of the synagogue where drums, lyres, harps and other musical instruments made for entertainment during worship; as did actors and dancers brought in to enliven proceedings." (From The Silk Roads: A New History of the World; by Peter Frankopan.)

I believe that any individual or group believing entertainment is necessary, is likely NOT presenting reality, but rather an illusion. I believe we (too often) choose the diversions of entertainment over the effort required for reality. I believe the schism yesterday was illusion vs. illusion. I believe the schism today is yesterday's illusion vs. tomorrow's reality; or more aptly put, supremacy vs. survival.

I admit, entertainment is more entertaining than drudgery. And I admit, battles for short term supremacy are far more entertaining than the struggle for long term survival. And here we have exposed yet another entanglement. Beyond the shift from supremacy-conflict-illusion-entertainment to survival-compassion-reality-effort (and currently back again), we are facing a dimensional dilemma demanding a consensus on short term vs. long term. Examples:

• Despite how it may feel in this moment, 4 years is very, very, very... short term.
• Entertainment is short term.
• Dominance and control is short term.
• The advantages and disadvantages of global communication have been short term.
• Perceptions of reality are short term.
• The survival of our planet has been long term.
• Fear is long term.
• Reality is long term.
• With a recognition of long term reality and a concerted global effort and some interstellar luck, the survival of Humanity will be long term.

Yet many of us frequently place a priority on entertainment. Global communication has shifted emphasis from individual and local survival to individual notoriety.? Today we want to watch and we want to be watched. I believe we have (very) recently begun efforts to shift emphasis again; from individual and in-group notoriety to global survival. Yes; for the short term we have taken a step backwards. The drama and chaos and controversy "...it's been a wonderful thing. I think even for the country to watch and for the world to watch."

But after we get over this crumpbacked blip, we must get back to work. We must choose global compassion and an opportunity for long term survival.

If instead, we continue to opt for entertainment...

...well

"Have a good time everybody!"

I have heard, (it seems) all of my life, to prepare for the worst and to hope for the best; I will add "actively" before hope. There are currently many fronts on which I can apply this maxim.

Typically I am not excessively discouraged by adversity because I believe that it strengthens character and I work very hard to learn from the adventure. Recently though, I am experiencing an inordinate degree of discouragement. Perhaps in this moment, it is the "many fronts" that dishearten.

Conspicuous examples include today's leadership, of which I have little influence, but regardless I am working to maintain an active faith that we will learn and grow. The same goes for my immediate future, our immediate future, and the well-being of future generations, all beyond today's leadership. I am active, in that by continuing to learn and grow personally, I hope to encourage likewise.

Perhaps, (as opposed to my immediate future as I will live it), I am also discouraged facing the potential for a lack of an immediate future. And, to face one's personal mortality can be troubling; so to face that alongside the (some recent days seemingly very real) possibility of Humanity's mortality, is some multiple beyond troubling.

By "lack of an immediate future" I am of course referring to extinction or death. It is an uncomfortable and difficult concept to consider; so much so that we are unable to see the potential for Human extinction because so many of us refuse to acknowledge the high probability of our own demise. Yet I believe both are near certainties; it is only a question of when.

I will one day leave this existence; as will each of us. Some consider this inevitably to be the "worst" that we must prepare for. Some, for varying reasons, may consider a cessation to be the "best" that we can hope for. I am with the former group, though I do have compassion and a semblance of understanding for those in the latter group; (the former and latter respectively differentiated by active hope and quiescent hope). In, out, or up is essentially the gist of what those in the latter group give. I work to give more.

I do not mean for this to sound condescending or judgmental. If it were in some way fruitful, I would disclose pages and pages and pages... of personal imperfections. I actively hope for this to sound truthful.

I will not give up, but I (too) frequently give in (which in some circumstance can be construed as giving up); and one day, I will give out.?

This past week, my heart has felt heavy.

I don't only mean emotionally or spiritually heavy. I also mean physically heavy. I have 8 stents, and though the physical discomfort in this week is most likely indigestion (from the recent increased intake of carbonated beverages), or upper body muscle pain (from the recent increased swimming regimen), with 8 stents I can't help but to be aware.

I am preparing for the worst.

Yesterday, because I thoughtfully considered my mortality, I walked 5 miles and swam for 80 minutes.

The day before yesterday, because I was cantankerous and feeling sorry for myself, I drank 4 beers and sat in front of the television; (or it might have been 5 beers, and today I can't remember what I watched).

... ... ... ... ...

I wrote the above on Tuesday. Today is Friday. I have remained thoughtfully active throughout the week.

It is unavoidably necessary for me to be thoughtful, which encourages me to be active; which in turn energizes my hope. I am often able to translate this energized activity into learning and growth; though there are still some days in which self-pity and/or excessive concern for multiple futures, derail intentions.

As a community, and as a nation, and as all of Humanity, it frequently feels like we are drinking beer and watching absurd, forgettable reality television. I believe it would be more mutually beneficial to consider mortality, on both the smallest and the largest of scales, and to act and react thoughtfully and productively.

The preceding paragraph initially felt like a stopping point, but upon review I am going to expand on the idea of giving in. As previously said, in some circumstance giving in may appear to be giving up, but upon further review I also believe that it may appear to be active hope; and even thoughtfully active hope. I believe "thoughtful" though must include a depth of questioning skepticism. I believe "going along" (actively or not) is the same as giving in. I believe that giving in by going along is too easy because there is no depth of questioning skepticism. Yet, I also believe prioritization is unavoidable, resulting in some instances in which going along is also unavoidable. And in some of these instances we have zero or limited power so we have little or no choice but to go along. I work to recognize the difference between lesser and greater degrees of personal choice, and to choose NOT to go along when and where I am able to have the greatest mutually beneficial impact. But on occasion, when it appears I am powerless and have no choice but to go along, I have, regardless, chosen NOT to go along strictly to avoid violating a strong personal principle.

In many of these instances where I have stood on principle, the actuality of NOT going along created an inequality that led to (what in that moment appeared to be) a punishment for not going along. In hindsight, I believe it to be less of retributive justice and more of a banishment. There are some individuals and some groups that simply want nothing to do with those who disagree. And this is exactly an example of the thoughtless superficiality that comes from a lack of questioning skepticism. Too often, when disagreement becomes difficult, we ostracize, (i.e. Kill), the messenger. And as the messenger, we may feel we have lived through a small death; but I might argue that to disagree is to live, and the small death (felt from being cast out) is industrious survival. I might also argue that even though dying may be the worst, to do so actively and thoughtfully mitigates the fear of dying by creating an awareness that giving in by going along is in practice a living death. In other words, by facing my mortality I am better able to immerse my self in the exigent vitality of thoughtfully active hope.

Yes, I am dying; in the same sense that each and every one of us is dying. But that does not (and should not) mean that WE have to die prematurely. And, today, in this moment, I am living.

Subservient: serving or acting in a subordinate capacity; servile; excessively submissive; obsequious.

Obsequious: compliant or deferential; obedient; dutiful; fawning.

A desire to control is a natural, human urge.

But to work at exercising control over any realm beyond the boundaries of (mutually agreed upon and beneficial) responsibility is immature and (especially when the mutuality does not include ALL natural, living impacted realms) unpredictably reckless.

Examples: 

• Lawn care must consider practical functionality and the environment. To insist on personal landscaping as a means of ego gratification is an excessive / extravagant desire for control. I should not pretend that nature is subservient to my whims and demands.
• The responsibility of governance, at any level, must consider the boundaries of one's power, as agreed upon mutually. To demand an uncompromising obedience to a presumed authority is an excessive / extravagant desire for control. I should not pretend that because according to momentary circumstance I have more power, I am more capable and/or more correct.

In this past week, these two examples have played themselves out, both separately and as an entangled interpretation; and on both a personal and a global scale.

I can better understand the reasoning leading to one believing they have dominion over nature than the irrationality of believing one has dominion over subordinate individuals or groups who by any definition are also human; but I do not agree with either declaration of superiority. And though some believe that environmental issues are fake news, and some believe that cultural intolerance is a misinterpretation of a simple appeal to history and heritage, I believe that both practices reflect a dangerous ignorance. Granted, lawn care may appear to be a tiny piece of an overwhelming challenge, but as an individual, eco-friendly lawn care is a manageable contribution. And impaired governance may appear to be an overwhelming piece of an insurmountable challenge, but as an individual, I am able to protest; gross mismanagement demands an outcry.

So, in a sense, these two examples encompass a spectrum in which I am able to participate in many different areas and on many different levels. From an active voice to active participation, I feel compelled to work for future generations that are as of yet unable to work for themselves.

And perhaps that is this week's takeaway / reminder. No matter how seemingly inconsequential or overwhelmingly substantial, I have active options.

In 307 BCE, King Wuling, a ruler of the kingdom of Zhao in northeastern China, said, "A talent for following the ways of yesterday is not sufficient to improve the world of today." (Quote taken from "The Silk Roads: A New History of the World" by Peter Frankopan.) I would go a step further and maintain that the world of today is the world of tomorrow. We may learn from past mistakes, but we should not glory in them. We may learn from past success, but as with past mistakes, it is nonproductive to glory in them. We may consider the moment, but the moment (by definition) is momentary. To desire control and require subservience will stretch the moment from a moment to a week, or to a month, or in some circumstance to four years; and to stretch a moment in this manner will frustrate progress, rooting us in today. To improve the world of today I must be active for tomorrow, and to be maximally active for tomorrow I cannot expend effort on excessive / extravagant control.

Unfortunately, many of us do spend far too much effort on excessive / extravagant control; (even within my recognition of its harm, I am human and I desire control). And more unfortunately, even if we are able to expand consciousness and decrease some excess, this is only the first step. From here, to be maximally active for tomorrow, I must accurately predict tomorrow. Unfortunately I have found that my precognitive skills are lacking, but fortunately there are experts who are much better at predicting where our trajectory may take us. So for my part, I read the experts.

If one is spending effort on excessive / extravagant control, one has less opportunity to read (or consult with) the experts. This leaves us stuck in today; or alternatively, reliving yesterday.

1. Acknowledge the waste inherent in excessive / extravagant control.
2. Learn to recognize excessive / extravagant control.
3. Read (and/or consult with) bona fide experts---(ideally multiple experts who disagree)---and listen for understanding.
4. Be active, in voice and in participation.
5. Rinse and Repeat.

This is an arduous undertaking, partially because you cannot do it for me and I cannot do it for you. But fortunately the heaviest lifting is being done by experts; that is experts with credentials as opposed to self-perceived or charismatic experts with a smart phone and access to Google; (or Twitter).

In recent years, I have composed written thought and earmarked it for more frequent review. If I come back to the paragraphs above each time I brandish excessive / extravagant control, I should have them memorized in a matter of days.

Today I was walking south on 9th Street and, just before entering one of my lunch launch hunt haunts, I passed what felt like a Mother and her college Daughter. I took note of the daughter, and nodded to Mom in congratulations. I opened the door and walked in and there they were. I must have held the door for them, otherwise it would be, there they weren't. I have noticed some recent loopiness in my percipience, but have put it off to my friendly neighborhood ruminoid thrombosis; an affliction that signed a short-term lease more than 25 years ago.

Standing in line, awaiting my opportunity for a culinarrative exchange with the cash registaurantress, I noticed the daughter frequently looking back and shymiling in my direction. I of course looked behind me to see who the recipricant was, and the first time I glanced back, there was no one in line behind me. She did it again and I looked again and this time I saw what felt like a Mother and her college Daughter walk in the door. I quickly looked back ahead of me and saw them again still standing in line ahead of me; same Mother and Daughter. I could not positionate myself to where I could see both Mother-Daughter Teams at the same time. Were they sets of exact twins dressed alike and sent to freak me out? Or were they simply able to undetectably transport themselves or move that fast? Or was it a trick with mirrors? Or was it my myocranial barfarction?

Up ahead the line would horseshoe, so perhaps then I could solve the mystery. As we approached the turn, I anxiously anticipatated first contact. A silent cheer arose as we began to make the turn, and sure enough, I was able to discern the Mom's shoulder both in front and behind me. There were actually two sets! I was relieved; until I thought, 'my skedaddled brain could still be the afflictuated culprit in this surreality mini-me-mama-drama.' As we continued to turn, what felt like a Mother and her college daughter and what felt like a replicant set, mirrored movements until one set totally eclipsed the other set and from the apex I didn't know right from left.

Heedless to say, once I fell off the apex, I lost interest. I began to study the menu on the back wall of the casharea, but had some difficulty focusing. It looked like... yes... there were two menus! One was for the pasta joint I thought I had entered, and the other was for a Mexican place just down the road. Oh my...

For several months now, like a pinball in the hands of a dark wizard, I have caromed from feeling angry to incredulous to mystified to amused; from bumper to bumper to bumper in a constant, random, chaotic concatenation of disappointment. And then last week, I ricocheted to disgust: a pair of bumpers (I call "fire and fury" and "locked and loaded") in a dark corner that I had hoped to avoid. And now, this past weekend, I was flung into a low crevice of fear where I was surrounded "on many sides" by ONE danger that I will name "Voldemort" to emphasize the ridiculousness of those who prefer that this (hate-mongering) danger remain unnamed.

I am not making light... This is very real and very serious, and I can only wish it were a fantasy. Perhaps to some, it is. Here, now, in this moment, continuing to boomerang between bumpers, I am aware of a nearby downslope that will carry me from disgust and fear, to further danger. I need an exceedingly strong rebound to carry me back over the lip of my crevice to the more comfortable norm of feeling angry, incredulous, mystified, and amused. Having said that, I am embarrassed that I equate proximity to disgust and fear, with comfort. But I believe this is where many of us are: settling for a lesser evil. We should not. A refusal to acknowledge, no matter the discomfort or perceived degree of danger, is a refusal to progress and grow, and ultimately it is a mockery of Humanity; all of Humanity, past, present, and future.

Today, divisiveness at ev'ry turn
I crave decisiveness and confidence
But know that certainty can only yearn
To surpass parody or render sense

Some people thrive on urgency, enjoying the constant creation and/or experience of headlong unpredictability. I believe each one of us can relate to the feel-good high of an unexpected adrenaline rush, but most of us prefer a prevalence of (perceived) control punctuated by periods of calm relaxation. I believe the opportunity and ability to recharge allows for rational, productive action while it also acknowledges the value of skepticism and uncertainty; whereas the need for constant commotion inevitably produces hasty, unthinking reaction and a delusional overconfidence. On occasion, a situation might call for haste and instinctive reaction, (think big city hospital emergency room on a Saturday night); but in more circumstance than not, results are enhanced by cool heads.

Though ev'ry day is hazy and unsure
Of late we've turned to lazy thoughts unjust
Of late we've groomed our egos insecure
Of late reality is mad disgust

I do not thrive on urgency; yet I continue to throw myself into this glass-topped melee of lights, bells, buzzers, and (both excruciatingly loud and eerily silent) whistles. My thoughts and emotions receive the brunt of this pummeling and I feel physically confined. But as helpless as I feel,  how can I turn away from a train wreck that begs for attention? How can I walk away from a tragedy of ignorance that oozes so much pain? How can I reach inward and outward to reignite an active hope? I will not do nothing. I will (minimally) continue to thoughtfully scrutinize and interpret the circumstance for a deeper understanding. Though it is likely that my efforts will have little influence or impact, the alternative is a refusal to acknowledge, and a refusal to acknowledge...

To work my way from fear with broadened scope
To leave the danger here in days of yore
To reach the yesterday of active hope
To seek a new today bespeaking more

Here, now, in this moment, I find sadness. This bumper is nearly dead, barely knocking me back to roll slowly and listlessly away. Yet each time I tumble away from this muffled backfire, I typically find myself richer for the experience. Each time I become entangled in the Dark sense of sadness and the Light of my personal essence, I typically find myself (at least momentarily) within "a placid clarity of artfully creative purpose and meaning." Each time I experience seemingly unnecessary anguish (personally or vicariously), I typically find myself a tad closer to Truth. Regardless, here, now, in this moment, the bruising pain and frenzied chaos is excessive.

A mind that aches for reasoned sanity
A heart that breaks for all Humanity.