hopelesshappiness.com

I began this blog in September, 2011. I have been writing weekly, (and on occasion, weakly), since. Prior to this exercise, in 2010, I self-published a book called "Burgeoning Whatnot: A Father's Monologue To His Adult Children." Below are the first 2+ paragraphs from its Introduction.

"It is with no small amount of trepidation that I enter the final stages of manuscript preparation, and ready myself to hand this book to you. Perfectly capturing my anxieties, the following sentences from Carol Shield's 1995 Pulitzer Prize winning "The Stone Diaries" caught my attention: "This 'work of art' is about to become one of those comical, tasteless presents, like the ceramic lobster platter and the atrocious bisque wall plaque, which are consigned, and quickly, to the basement or garage, and which eventually become the subject of private family jokes or anecdotes. No matter. It has been executed with love..." (pp 114-15). As evidenced in your hands, I believe the trailing sentences to have greater import than the initial thought.

I encourage you to read (or not read) this book of 'thoughts as poems' in any way that your spirit moves you. You will find (with a few exceptions) my comments at the end of each poem. You will also find two groupings of consecutive poems; one 'On Baseball' and one 'On Writing'. In addition you will see an assortment of 'Nuggets' or untitled short works scattered throughout. Generally speaking and inclusive of the aforementioned, each piece of Whatnot stands on its own. As you read, I strongly encourage you to (remember your teenage years and) rebel. Sever familial entanglements as best as you can, so that you may disagree, apply your own interpretations, and think things through to a deeper level than what I present. Words communicate ineffectively, yet can be a catalyst to unspoken thoughts and quiet reflection which will more readily lead you to more meaningful truths.

This book is moved by Loving-Kindness, filled with Compassion, shared with Joy, beat into shape with Persistence, and grounded in Structure..."

There is a certain melancholy surrounding this reminiscence, as I believe there frequently is when one looks back at a personal effort that does not meet personal expectations. Yet, for me, that is an apt and relevant description of every effort, no matter how small or large, made throughout my life. If I am completely satisfied with an outcome, I am recognizing only a portion of its meaningful impact. There will always be a portion relegated to a couple of boxes out in the garage.

With that said, I would do nothing different in this regard. This past 10+ years of studying and thinking and writing have been most edifying. I am now working on a change that may, in the near future, redirect some effort; but I can foresee nothing that will break this habit.

I often encourage one to not live in the past, yet this week many personal thoughts have been drawn in that direction. I also say to myself, at least once daily, "having learned from the past, I will live in the moment, for the future." Perhaps instead of "having learned" I should say "still learning" as a reminder to, on occasion, purposefully look back to remember, (and to possibly add a greater depth to), previous learning. This week I was drawn to one Sonnet in particular, from Burgeoning Whatnot:

A water nymph astride her studded crest
As briny jewels collide and reappear
We catch a modest glimpse of surf-sprayed breast
Thus quashing gauche attempts to conquer fear
A laugh that lifts above the pounding waves
A music for and of the centuries
A queen attended by her knights and knaves
A grace that can defy Earth's gravities
She dances with the Sun and flirts with Zeus
She floats through time undone and plunders breath
No plot to tantalize or to seduce
Yet in her wake love dies a happy death
Her ghostly silhouette we watch from shore
Her sunset pirouette, and then no more

As best as I can remember, and based on my comments at the time, I believe this began as a sensual dreamy ode to the Ocean; but was quickly associated with Perfection and its transcendent elusiveness. Today, I need to be reminded that despite its inaccessible indifference, the chase is not only worthwhile, but also necessary.

At the age of fifty-something, I am working to redefine myself (more truthfully), and (in a sense) begin again. It is not an easy task; but worthwhile, and (I believe) necessary.

I understand. I am in my moment and my moment requires applicable thought and action. You are in your moment and your moment requires applicable thought and action. And though we share this moment, it is also two completely separate moments. We both recognize the relevance of 17:18:51 CST, 01/08/2018, and sitting here together we both observe the same circumstance in this moment, yet we are equally distanced from the next moment. I believe that it is not our respective interpretations of this moment that divide this moment, but rather our differing interpretations of the next moment. Having said this, it now appears obvious. I cannot, (nor can you), apply thought and action to a future moment; though it is exactly this effort that divides us. I can make a plan for future moments, as can you, but until the moment arrives, I can only plan. Which begs the question: if I spend this moment agonizing over a plan for future moments, what has become of this moment? Is it lost? Or have I truly spent it in the best possible way? How much agonizing is necessary? Is the degree of agonizing directly proportional to the perfection of some future moment? Or is there some point where it becomes disproportional?

To aid in thinking this through, some added specificity:

1. In some circumstance in which the attainment of a perfect future moment, (or even a good, adequate, or preferable future moment), requires the cooperation of another (or other) individual(s), I believe the amount of agonizing should be determined by the liklihood of productive agreement; which in turn should be determined by the degree of accordant personal influence, general life experience, specifically relevant circumstantial experience, and experience specifically relevant to the other individual(s). Rationally, I do not believe that perceived significance that is emotionally charged should factor into a determination of self-inflicted anguish, for the obvious reason that emotion will artificially inflate the perceived significance.
2. Recently, in more than one circumstance, I have mistaken delay for cooperation. In hindsight I realize that I enabled this flawed thinking because I so badly wanted to believe that the previously-agreed-upon outcome would come about. I also understand that though the shared desire for the outcome was sincere, I was misled regarding its feasibility. Most recently there has been sincerity, but in past circumstance I have been lied to in order to delay and/or sabotage the current moment. On occasion, (likely more frequently than we want to admit), one is pulled into a whirlpool of quiescent planning; a whirlpool that is buoyant and effervescent, more like a thrill ride than the drowning that it, in reality, is. An example would be a promised promotion.
3. I recently made a decision for myself that strongly emphasized The.Moment with less concern for The.Future.Moment. The.Future.Moment, (now that it has become The.Moment), has proven to be a challenge. Did I make the wrong decision? Should I have agonized further, thus delaying a decision? How frequently does delaying a decision for fear of a Future.Moment, effectively result in no decision? And does maintaining the status quo in this manner, ultimately create a quiescence that encourages the status quo? For me I believe it better to act in an effort toward progress and take on the risk of an unknown Future.Moment, than to give in or give up in This.Moment. For me, because The.Moment precedes The.Future.Moment, The.Moment should take precedence; (as long as reason has tempered emotion - see #5 below).
4. When working with one or more individuals toward productive agreement, it will aid in the negotiation to agree upon a frame of reference regarding The.Future.Moment. For example, if together we are working toward a perfect (or preferable) future moment regarding a specific (agreed-upon) circumstance, and if I am working toward that future moment thinking ahead to next week, and you are thinking ahead to next August, we have further subdivided this planning moment into an unworkable melee of discordant future moments that will never mesh. I experienced this disconnect this week: I was looking to resolve the next few days, whereas another was thinking months ahead. It is easy to skip steps in the process, thus creating a planning nightmare.
5. For this example, two definitions: a) Reaction - an emotional response discharged as thought, words, and/or action: b) Planning - a rational thought process, considering the past, the present, and the future, utilized to predict outcomes and determine a course of action. Planning is necessary, if for no other reason than to temper emotion. To simply react can have some limited value based on its truthfulness, but must be immediately followed with planning, thus making the reaction part of the plan. To simply react and walk away, with no follow-up planning, is not only inconsiderate and reckless, but also potentially dangerous. Truthfulness must be productive.
6. It appears to be human nature to want to assign responsibility, not only for a moment that is troublesome, but also for a moment that is good. Blame and credit are an encumbrance to mutually beneficial progress. Even when I blame myself, or pat myself on the back, one part of my psyche is delaying rational planning and/or action. Having learned from the past, I live in the moment, for the future. This is a very difficult concept to live. My mind wants to live in the past, present, and future simultaneously, and my ego wants to comfort me with excuses, which in turn bogs me down. I have found the best way around this challenge is to continue moving forward, physically. I find that when I am physically active, my mind typically follows.

Takeaways so far:

• Though we are in the same moment, our individual perceptions of a future moment may drastically color the present moment, potentially creating discord.
• Self-inflicted anguish may be required, to a point; that point to be determined by productive agreement.
• The entire spectrum, from synergistic cooperation to dysfunctional divisiveness, is a group exercise; I must take my share of the responsibility.
• Within reason, this moment is primary; a future moment is secondary.
• When working cooperatively with another (or others), be sure to agree upon a target future moment.
• Emotionally charged truthfulness should be tempered by reason and should aspire to productivity.
• Past moments as rational planning tools can be helpful: but past moments fused with emotion are not productive.

Upon review, this week's thought feels like I have simply organized for clarification. I don't immediately see a greater depth of thought or new thought. That's okay. To sort through past, present, and future moments in order to make the best possible decisions and not get bogged down in the enormity of the task, requires the occasional uncluttering and selective disposal of nonproductive moments.

Each day, each moment, that I am not either engaged in battle or preparing for battle, I am more exposed and vulnerable. I cannot afford insouciance with no guarantee of a chivalric declaration of war. Life is filled with surprise attacks.

To be battle ready requires diligent training and preparation. To create opportunity for victory once engaged in battle, requires strategy. Uncertainty comes about from the innumerable alternatives for training and strategic options. Yet to lead in battle, appears to require confidence.

I train and prepare daily, by exercising my mind and my body, productively adding layers to my essence. I strategize frequently, utilizing thoughtful analysis and a sincere effort toward truthfulness. Yet the truthfulness invariably leads me to uncertainty, which in turn results in a high number of casualties and ultimately, seeming defeat.

I am battle-ready; I am battle-tested; I am battle-scarred; I am battle-hardened; but I am not battle-acclaimed.

The casualties suffered so far, in large part appear to be a result of strength in numbers. I am consistently out-flanked and out-maneuvered by a larger force; typically larger in numbers and in influence. On most every front I am faced with such long-established entrenchments that the occupants often do not realize they are being fired upon. And when they do, they simply surround me and relieve me of my weaponry, or mount a full frontal assault, thus forcing me to the rear where my range is limited.

The casualties suffered so far have only been wounded; no dead. Despite being consistently out-numbered, and despite being consistently put in my place, and despite being consistently uncertain, this battle experience has enabled a strengthening of my own position. With each seeming defeat, I become more and more determined to reach the front and negotiate some common ground. I will not build trenches.

I don't see the enemy as the people manning their trenches. I see the enemy as the comfort and complacency found in those trenches. I see the enemy as the ground between opposing entrenchments. I see the enemy as the castles and palaces that the entrenchments are meant to protect. What the people in these fortifications do not see is that I am not the only one. There are others like me that do not occupy entrenchments; we are tunneling beneath the entrenchments and artificial borders in the active hope that the ground will one day collapse, forcing the people to rethink their positions. We are making slow inroads, and we will continue to work until we have effectively undermined the entrenchments and ultimately reach the ground beneath the palaces and castles. We do not want to see the people harmed; we want the people to see the harm.

This is a revolution; but for most people snug in their trenches, it is a silent revolution. We are not silent; but most people snug in their trenches, refuse to listen. Life can no longer be Us vs Them; but most people snug in their trenches, are snug in their trenches.

We must first demolish all trenches and then abolish trench warfare. We must first break free from rhetorical divisiveness, in order to grow beyond traditional combatants, and become thoughtful compatriots. We must first identify common ground, then meet on common ground, and ultimately expand common ground to be all inclusive.

I understand that, like a stone, in this world I am of some substance and weight. This being the case, I should aspire to be a skimming-stone, and resist the attractions of gravity. I understand that, like a tree, in this world I have roots and reach. This being the case, I should aspire to be a wild, forested specimen, and resist the attraction of decorative pruning. I understand that, like a river, in this world I have banks and flow. This being the case, I should aspire to be the raging Mississippi, and resist the attraction of the bucolic Pomme de Terre.

I must continue to search for the balance between ineffectual complaisance and caustic truthfulness. I must continue to search for the balance between acquiescent compromise and unavailing force. I must continue to search for the balance between battle scars and battle acclaim.

Each day, each moment, that I am not either engaged in battle or preparing for battle, I am more exposed and vulnerable...

I don't want to read too much into recent personal upheavals, (some positive and some challenging), by declaring "New Beginnings!" or "A Fresh Start!" and then arbitrarily connect to the upcoming New Year in order to convince myself that it was meant to be. I used to be an avid purveyor of comforting notions such as "everything happens for a reason" and I understand the value therein; but in recent years I have come around to see difficulty as merely circumstantial and absent of ineffable transcendence.

If the equation set forth above is New Circumstance + Ineffable Transcendence = Comfort, there is one exception, to half of the equation, that I allow my Humanity to turn to when I am in need of comfort; (most typically from perceived injustice). The acrimonious reflection I apply to circumstance (absent transcendence), for comfort, is "what goes around, comes around."

I have enough faith in the power of randomness to feel reasonably certain that difficulty reaches out and touches each of us at some time, in some form. And I believe that what may appear as a relatively minor difficulty to one individual, may add a more significant weight to another individual; despite any protestations to the contrary. I also believe that some difficulties bog down internal aspiration, thus concealing the adversity from direct observation. Additionally, I believe that in one's last moment(s) upon this existential plane, the weight of some actions comes crashing down, as the goodness of other actions buoys the mind or (if you prefer) the spirit.

Yes: as a human there is a certain vindictive satisfaction in these thoughts. But additionally, allowing this truthfulness reminds me that the goal is not revenge (as this other individual has his or her own difficulties, and one day will realize his or her own legacy); the goal is common ground from which mutual progress is possible. Allowing this truthfulness keeps me grounded and more rational in the face of perceived injustice at the hand of another. Allowing this truthfulness, and discounting the role of ineffable transcendence, brings me to a gruff recognition of the ineluctable fusion of personal and universal essence.

I suppose it is a lack of imagination that prevents me from letting go of this last human comfort; and on occasion leads me to stare longingly at ineffable transcendence. For me, imagination goes beyond simply forming mental images or concepts, though this definition appears consistent with ineffable transcendence. For me, imagination must include a grounded rationality; which feels counterintuitive, but coupled with the effort to create new thought actually adds a level of complexity to the exercise of my imagination. For me, the disharmony of these clashing contradictions is necessary. For me, the comfort of platitudes and clichés is not an exercise, but a lazy form of hope that too often results in hypocrisy, duplicity, and treachery. For me, imagination that merely comforts is common, simple, and frivolous, whereas imagination that requires a connection with productive action is scarce, complex, and invaluable.

So my reliance on "what goes around, comes around" for comfort, should be the springboard to thoughtful layers of conceptual effort leading to forward movement and mutual benefit. I am Human; it is not always so. In this moment, I am respectfully admonished.

Twas the week before Christmas, and all through the land

Unease and unrest, they marched hand in hand;

The bombast was strung each day this past year,

In hopes that we'd let go beliefs we hold dear;

The factions they wrestled all smug in their heads,

While visions of sugar-plums were torn all to shreds;

And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,

Unsettled and flailing and lost in the gap,

Surrounded, assaulted by clutter and clatter

Ducking and dodging the splutter and splatter.

My gears they did grind and my teeth they did gnash,

When faced with such odious egregious panache.

High noon in my quest for Wisdom and Truth

To give lustre of mid-day upon this uncouth,

A shootout between my mushrooming fear

And hopeful dreams that now seem cavalier

With a clumsy conniver, found in each clique

I knew that my dreams were now impolitic

More rapid than eagles discoursers they came,

And I whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

Red Herring! And, Straw Man! And, Slippery Slope!

Innuendo! On, Threats! On, Imprecise Scope!

From the depths of Debasement! To the peak of Bad Proof!

Reductio ad Absurdum! Shared respect has gone "Poof!"

As civility leaves and the camps clash and cry,

When met with an obstacle, they embellish and lie,

So up to the high ground, discoursers they flew,

With a mind full of mush, and nary a clue.

And then, in an inkling, I saw through the spoof

My prancing and jawing, my standing aloof.

New views flew in my head, making me realize,

That the face of St. Nicholas was not a disguise.

The joy of his warmth, from his head to his foot,

The plight of being tarnished with ashes and soot.

Both sadness and joy I must load in my pack;

To be brooked by the pain, I will learn to bounce back.

My eyes---how they clouded with simple concern!

My past---full of poses, so hard to discern!

The roll of my tongue with words drawn from my soul,

A soul I'd believed was so pure and so whole;

Now stumped by the truth I held tight in my teeth,

I'm one amongst many, above and beneath;

I'm in a broad space and a little cramped cranny,

I look at my life like a doleful chafed nanny.

I'm not chubby and plump, nor a jolly old elf,

But I value a smile, and I can laugh at myself;

I think of how sly my life it has been,

I fight and I cede and I lose and I win;

To speak not a word, but go straight to my work,

Ignore all the mockings; ignore the smug jerk,

Delaying the voice that's inside of my head,

And striving to rise up above my own dread;

This rational peace I should call with a whistle,

And hope it won't flee like the down of a thistle.

I trust there's no shame in the crumbling of blight,

I trust that we'll overcome venom and spite,

I trust that the dark will soon lead us to light.

So I say in an effort to share and unite

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!