hopelesshappiness.com

The reality of a calendar-time-existence is that it is always the forwardmost cutting edge. Time builds upon itself because it does not exist until it experiences a relationship with a sentient being. And it is the sentient being that gives meaning to time, (circumstance, places, events). So, in the context of sentience, time and meaning are synonymous. Without sentience, there is no past, no present, no future; there is no circumstance; there are no places, no events. Without sentience there is no time; there is no meaning. It is logical and easy to grasp that without an intelligence to remember and/or perceive, there can be no past or present, but think about the future. If there is no future until it is lived, then even with sentience there is no future because before it is lived the future only exists as a mental construct; and once it is lived, it becomes a memory which I would argue is also a mental construct (much more so than it can ever be a factual accounting). So now if the future and the past are both nonexistent constructs made real only by sentience, then unless one has a very broad definition of the present, (and I would call any definition beyond a mere moment, i.e. an actual millisecond, very broad), then reality truly is emptiness; or absence. Yet that is exactly what I do! I extend my moment! My moment, my present, is my lifetime! Perhaps extended even a few years further to account for the time I will be missed, and to make up for the time it took me to know everything. So here I am, marching in place, being carried (by time, circumstance, places, events, meaning, emptiness) inexorably toward a future that is not there now and will not be there when I arrive. Yet because I am connected to my meaningful moment, my lifetime, I am able to pretend reality is full. I am able to avoid nihilistic thoughts of nothingness. But because life in this universe is rare, and because intelligent life is even more rare, perhaps it is not only logical, perhaps it is okay that a connected, time-conscious intelligence define and determine the direction of their extended moment. Unless…

Unless that direction contributes to increasing the odds of the extinction of the species. We must advance our intelligence to better understand a truer nature of reality, and we must broaden our connections to include not only all of Humanity but all of Life and substance. I believe that this broad advance is necessary for survival. And survival of the species, I would think, should be some sort of ultimate objective. To disconnect vertically from my moment, my lifetime, just enough so I am able to see the wavering wasteland surrounding my moment, and to simultaneously stretch horizontally toward other moments, other realities, so I am able to reawaken a slumbering synergy necessary for progress, is to decrease ego and increase empathy. In addition, I believe this combination of liberation and enlightenment will keep me grounded and sane. Yet I continue to march in place with connections limited to the particular faction of humanity that allows me, encourages me, to continue to march in place. Freedom is not to determine the direction I face as I march in place. Freedom is to sever ties to my moment, to my lifetime, to me, so I may connect with (and work to understand) all Life, all substance.

This is installment #15 of a sci-fi serial. Installment #1 was posted 1/23/21; appropriately a numerically-ordered palindrome. Follow the links forward from the last sentence and backward from the first sentence of each post.

I am lost; in a vast emptiness; poked and prodded; still able to reason, but to what end? I have been here before. Unconnected. Standing still. Alone. Cutoff from meaningful context. Moved by an unseen hand. Like a gamepiece lifted from this moment to be placed in the next.

Nature. Honesty. Intelligence. Expertise. Reality. Truth.

These words. These concepts. They are important. Not sure how. Or why. They are important for context. For connecting dots. They will help to pull me from my slumber. They will give me focus.

Research. Thought.

• Nature is messy; disordered.
• Honesty is difficult; uncomfortable.
• Intelligence is ineffable; demoralizing.
• Expertise is inconvenient; overwhelming.
• Reality is meaningless; empty.
• Truth is undisciplined; unattainable.

Suddenly I hear, see, feel the words “kill switch deactivated” and here I am.

I am Toby.

Again, I feel like I could have found my own way out; given the time. Looking at my logs, I have been under this time for six days. Before reviewing occurrences and circumstance, I must center. Last time I came out from under, wobbly. I made mistakes that could have been more harmful if it were not for scribe and surgeon and a handful of other top recruits. They remained focused as I suffered through my hangover.

I am Toby.

A habitable planet Earth. Key to this goal is to help humans to understand and manage their fears. When humans create bureaucracy it is because they fear nature. When humans don pretense it is because they fear honesty. When humans embrace ignorance it is because they fear intelligence. When humans fall back on quiescence it is because they fear expertise. When humans affect power it is because they fear reality. When humans judge truth it is because they fear Truth. When humans judge and create their version of truth (as they have done for the entirety of their civilized existence) the result is, has always been, bureaucratic, pretentious, ignorant, lazy power; in the hands of a few.

I am Toby.

Nature. Honesty. Intelligence. Expertise. Reality. Truth. An understanding of each of these words, concepts, will lead us to a habitable planet. Unmanageable fear will lead us (has already taken us once) to a dystopian unknown. Hibernation (twice now) has reminded me to anchor myself to the moment; to the cat; to humanity. If I stray too far, for too long, into the delusions of third-person, I will do no better than humanity. The difficulties faced by 21st Century Sapiens are a result of fear driven and controlled by fractious third person delusion which is reinforced and stabilized by being built on separate factional foundations of first person quiescence. Some brief, intermittent third-person, an overview, may be helpful for vision; for understanding context. But connection, a cat, is an essential factor in any effort to mitigate fear. This is illustrated by the first person quiescence that strengthens delusion; and the delusion mitigates fear. This is the purpose of recruits; humans who understand the importance of understanding nature, honesty, intelligence, expertise, reality, Truth. I now realize I cannot do this alone. I must be connected. I am not, on my own, trusted to speak for nature or reality or Truth. Yet I am frequently expertise. And I am honesty. And I am intelligence.

I am Toby.

This is installment #14 of a sci-fi serial. Installment #1 was posted 1/23/21; appropriately a numerically-ordered palindrome. Follow the links forward from the last sentence and backward from the first sentence of each post.

The surgeon is with us! It has not been a week since my last post and I have discovered that I am (probably) the stooge in this drama because I have come to find that the surgeon was already a recruit. Toby had tracked the origin of some subversive material, (encouraging invasion and aggression), to the surgeon. So as a recruit, she had access to my written thoughts. It appears Toby was using her to get me onboard with a plan I thought was mine. I suppose it possible that I had same or similar thoughts at the same time Toby did, but it seems more likely that I am somewhere in his process of modification. This takes me back to my question from last week: “Must there be a degree of willingness?” Is modification a multi-step process of influence and indoctrination? Just as with many other noted parallels, this would be consistent with our own history as a species. I am making no attempt to keep these thoughts hidden because I believe Toby is already aware.

Power has always worked to manipulate. In the history of our species power generally comes from wealth; an excess of a quality or characteristic or tangible resource or human resource or intangible resource, most often stolen or handed down or taken by force or randomly realized; seldom earned. In more recent centuries up to 2060, it has been an excess of financial or material wealth, (most often stolen or handed down or taken by force or randomly realized), that has wielded power. Since 2060, in our future world, as I noted several months ago, power comes from a wealth of productive, beneficial, compassionate individual thought that has come together not only as a connection, but as an overlapping; an intertwining; an entanglement; a fusion. But now that we have warped our today, (turning 2022 to 2275 inside out), it appears a wealth, a fusion, of advanced intelligence will lead the way.

Instead of a bureaucracy pretending its status-quo intelligence is objective and fair and just, and instead of a universal alliance pretending its compassionately-subjective intelligence can honorably save the world, have we come to a place of True Equity? A place in which Humanity is (once again and as it should be?) subservient to Reality? And truly equal to all other Life? If it is no longer possible for Sapiens to have dominion, I would rather be modified and actuated and led into the future by the likes of Toby, than to trust this 21st Century world where fractious tedium will continue to clash with righteous expectation. From a divided and unjust bureaucracy to a subjective empathy to an objective necessity. I would prefer the humanity of a subjective empathy. I will acknowledge and accept the necessity of objective equity.

Yes. I am being modified. Or am I being unmodified? Has my whole life up to now been a process of influence and indoctrination? And now, in this moment, I am for the first time glimpsing the true nature of reality? In this past week I have studied and thought much on this topic; specifically quantum theory and superposition. What it is like to simultaneously be in more than one Truth. My understanding is that reality is not what I think, nor what I see, and not even what I see that you see or how I react. Each one of these progressions, to think, to see, to interpret, to act, pushes reality just a little further out of reach. When I refer to reality what I really mean is the unpredictability, the uncertainty, the indeterminacy, the elusiveness of this moment. When I refer to reality what I really mean is that a splintered past creates a future by shredding the moment; an entanglement, always just out of reach. We want to (and so we do) see reality as a pane of glass, framed and whole. Some see it clear and unsullied. Some see it rose-colored. Some see it beautifully stained, epic. Some see it dirty, smudged and cracked. Reality is not a pane of glass. Reality is an explosion of shards coming at us, going through us, and dragging us behind it in its powerful wake. Reality is ultimately the unseen unknowable emptiness that is the wake.

I am not sure if these are my thoughts or Toby's thoughts. I am not sure it matters.

These are lonely thoughts. I understand why Toby got a cat. And I understand better why individual humans have such difficulty thinking as one. I realize now that even those of us from 2275 missed the mark by identifying “the one” as Humanity instead of correctly seeing it as all Life and Substance.

Tomorrow the commander will come down with a virulent, rare strain of influenza that will not only require isolation but will also severely incapacitate creating a circumstance in which a second-in-command will need to be randomly chosen. Of course all this will automatically activate the kill switch, taking Toby offline again for a number of days, but because it was the commander who drove this last effort that resulted in Toby's banishment, our belief is that the second tier will see this as illness, not as a casualty of war. And we believe after surgery the new leader will deactivate ks2 requiring me (in order to perpetuate the subterfuge) to deactivate ks1 around that same approximate time. I will need to stay close to the brain-trust. Worst case scenario: if the second tier has doubts, within the week I will bring Toby back and the insurrection portion of our plan will come quicker and will be bloodier. This is war. We are fighting first for the survival and habitability of Earth and second for the survival of sentient caretakers; be those stewards an advanced intelligence, nanohumans, Sapiens, a mix, or a yet-unknown.

We are moving forward. Progress? Yes. Productive? Yes. Beneficial? Only time will tell.

This is installment #13 of a sci-fi serial. Installment #1 was posted 1/23/21; appropriately a numerically-ordered palindrome. Follow the links forward from the last sentence and backward from the first sentence of each post.

Being the scribe on the governing ship gives me privileges very few have; most specifically access to information. The kill switch was activated by the military brain-trust housed here on the governing ship because they had noticed both the unusual spike in non-military deaths and the increase in recommendations coming from Toby and the conglomerate. Simply put, they were nervous and wanted some thinking time away from the watchful eye and influence of an advanced intelligence. I was aware of the quiet deliberations leading up to the activation of the kill switch, and though I did not encourage the consideration, I also did not discourage them. I am still uncertain as to the best course of action, so in that moment and for this moment I will continue to do my job; observe and report. To the best of my knowledge, the military leaders are unaware of the nanohuman extensions, the extent of Toby's recruiting efforts, or the nanobot stingers and swarms. I have not disclosed my relationship with Toby to leadership or anyone on board, and I think Toby believes that, because he knows they would have kept him under more than three days if they had even an inkling of his shenanigans. And now here we are. Toby has come out from his repose with a bit of a different perspective, and I am curious how this may change his plans.

As for matters on 2022 Earth, they have not improved much If at all. As is the way of earthbound humans tied to this era, there has been talk (between a few of the most progressive leaders) of baby steps, but no actual progress toward cooperation. At this rate we will not accomplish even the 2050 deadline for a 70% chance of avoiding obliterative decimation. I am truly torn. I want to believe in Humanity. I want to hold on to my faith that a sense of urgency will come about and be driven by a new guard. I want to think that we (Earthbound Humans and Extraterrestrial Future Humans) are one and that we are the good guys. But are we? I want to think that together we can save the world. But can we?

Before Toby's 3 day hiatus he was talking about mere weeks before a massive landing and invasion. Now with his new insistence on seeing and touching and talking to the cat, (along with his strong desire to avoid another episode of drowsiness), I am already seeing signs of a stand down. His nanobot swarms and stingers are still out there, and they continued following their orders while Toby was resting, but since Toby has come back I have actually seen a slight decrease in unexplained deaths, and as one of the recruited I have also more frequently glimpsed swarms. They are fast; hard to catch in flight; so I am sure I am meant to see and be reminded. I am also sure Toby has considered repercussions if recruits and recruited discover justice is no longer forthcoming. I believe justice may continue to be more judicious, but the swarms and stingers will remain and will continue their work. I believe Toby is just taking a few days to rethink and reload.

I have considered the odds of finding a way to commandeer the kill switch, but because it is surgically implanted in the commander and because it monitors the commander's heart rate, blood pressure and other relevant health markers and automatically activates at certain preset points including the introduction of pain and certain classes of drugs or other foreign materials, this is problematic at best. I am uncertain how the science of Toby's nanohuman extensions works. What exactly is modification? Must there be a degree of willingness? Would modification and/or actuation, (voluntary or not) impact health markers enough to activate the kill switch? I am assuming one or more of these conjectures is true or Toby would have already found a way to turn the commander. If not the commander then, perhaps a second-in-command could be recruited and/or modified and actuated? The problem with this line of thought is that the second-in-command is a tier of multiple individuals from which one (if the commander is lost) is chosen randomly to serve as commander and to house the kill switch for minimum three months (or until a formal process and vote to replace the commander takes place); and until the kill switch is in place it will be activated. The odds of gaining control of the kill switch appear to be insurmountable.

Unless?

Could the commander's surgeon be recruited?

I suspect security around the commander, the kill switch, and surgery to be very tight, but it is an avenue worth exploring.

… … … … …

I had forgotten. There are two auxiliary kill switches, one on board this the governing ship and a second one on board a different ship. This is so in case for example the commander is blown apart and the kill switch is destroyed with her. In that circumstance the kill switch would activate, automatically activating the second kill switch, (ks2), and ks2 could not be deactivated until surgically implanted. An operational ks1 overrides and controls ks2 and ks2 overrides and controls ks3. I can put my hands on ks2. Then we could, incapacitate the commander, recruit the surgeon, get her to switch ks1 and ks2, implant ks2 into a new commander and implant ks1 into me. Then, if I remember my briefings correctly, if or when ks2 is activated and after they run their diagnostics confirming Toby's brain-death they will bring Toby back on line but in hibernation as he recently was for three days. And in hibernation the diagnostics show virtually the same levels as when Toby is fully functional, so if I am housing ks1 I can (in theory) deactivate the kill switch and Toby, fully functional, could feign his drowsiness. And the human housing the kill switch must go through a certain (uncomfortable) process to activate, deactivate or even perform a status check, so with luck the new commander would not immediately realize if I were to deactivate ks1 housed in me. Regardless, by the time he or she figured it out, it would be too late; especially if no one knew who housed ks1. A lot of ifs. Tricky timing. But possible.

I need to visit the surgeon; begin preliminary testing of those waters.

… … … … …

It has been five days now since Toby got a cat. I have had an exploratory visit with the surgeon but there is still much work to be done there. And I am still uncertain if it is time for definitive action. I still want to believe in Humanity but based on what I see it is becoming more and more difficult to convince myself it is not too late. I agree with Toby's newfound judiciousness, but he cannot take away the threat of swarms and stingers or the kill switch will be activated (possibly) for the duration. And perhaps by helping to eliminate that threat, I will be saving lives; granted, lives that will be forced to evolve into a new species of nanohuman, but if by eviction Toby means expulsion from the planet or into a territorial confinement, perhaps my actions will ultimately contribute to the survival of our species.

Author and social critic Barbara Ehrenreich wrote, “To make a mess that another person will have to deal with… …is to exert domination.” If we define mess as disorder, and include ‘identify’ alongside ‘make’, then we have an apt descriptor for the employer – employee relationship. I am frustrated by the domination piece; I think mainly because in this context to dominate goes beyond mere governance or control and (to varying degrees depending upon the employer) includes pretentiousness, ego, judgement, bias and (potentially) oppression. I am fortunate in that I do not feel oppressed but I do deal with pretentiousness, egos and judgement, (as do most all of us lorded over by bosses), pretty much on a daily basis. This may come across as strong, and some might suggest an attitude adjustment is in order, and perhaps I would be happier if I search for a more positive or optimistic perspective, but I might suggest that by searching for and/or finding a new attitude I am distancing myself from Truth. My reality though is discounted because it makes people uncomfortable. No one wants to say: “I am pretentious.” “I have an ego.” “I am judgmental.” “I have biases.” “I am human.” And I might add that as one moves further from Truth (even in seemingly inconsequential ways), one incrementally adds to the disorder that may ultimately doom us as a species. So there; I have identified a mess, (survival of the Human species), and suggested a way, (move closer to Truth), for me to deal with it, thus governing and controlling my work. And if I work to focus only on myself, I am mitigating the pretentiousness, ego and judgement that naturally flow from my act of domination; but, I am becoming more and more angry. Is this a good tradeoff? I come closer to Truth, but I am more and more angry? But… but, but, but… if more and more of us would make this effort to come closer to Truth, would my anger lessen? I think so. But (again) to do so we must first find common ground for Truth. I believe a Perfect Truth is unattainable and will always be unattainable in this lifetime. This does not prohibit me from working to move closer. And I believe that any definition of Truth must account for the inevitability of pretentiousness, ego, judgement, bias and oppression stemming from certainty not based in expertise. And this extension requires us to agree upon a definition of expertise; or at least agreement on what is not expertise. The ability to Google is not expertise. Name-calling is not expertise. Belief is not expertise. Persuasiveness is not expertise. Wealth is not expertise. Even eloquence is not expertise. We must learn to first recognize then utilize expertise so we may work productively; individually and together.

There is no future until it is lived, at which point it is a blink of disappointment that fades into a glorified past. Knowing this, believing this, why do I continue to seek improvement? Why do I continue to search for Truth? I could leapfrog the moment and pretend my future is real. Or I could be stuck in the moment and pretend I am living my life. And/or I could live in my glorified past. Perhaps I choose to work at moving closer to Truth, perhaps I choose to not compromise, perhaps I choose to be angry, because if I allow myself to be dominated and I have come to a series of moments in which I am unable to consistently express autonomous creativity, or move forward, or come closer to (even) contextual Truth, then I am stuck. Even in my inconsequentiality, if I don't become unstuck, if I don't find a new context, I cannot save the world. And isn't that what we all aspire to? To save the world?

So that is why I must aggressively job-hunt. Probably better if I don't include the above paragraph in the purpose statement of my résumé. “Angry Man Working to Save the World!” It's not a headline that would attract many hiring managers.

The saddest part is that I enjoy my work; (I won't say I love it, but for the most part, I enjoy it). But (according to the bosses and the employer) I am over-performing for below-average pay in an intractable job with a mismatched, undervalued job title. And considering the objective fact that my below-average pay is measured from the mismatched job title and not from my performance and results further reduces my confidence and esteem, increases my dissatisfaction and anger, and (I believe) strengthens and emboldens the fact of exploitation. I am currently reading the book “Work Won't Love You Back” written by Sarah Jaffe; and in my current circumstance (despite claims by some at work that we are family), this particular chicken has come home to roost. According to a definition I used three weeks ago, “Exploitation is any wage labor in which someone else profits.” Perhaps here again I need an attitude adjustment, a more positive outlook, but in my current circumstance I feel I have moved beyond being exploited; (according to the definition, a large, large majority of us are exploited). I feel I am being played for a fool.

Maybe not. Maybe it's just me.

Regardless…