hopelesshappiness.com

This is installment #13 of a sci-fi serial. Installment #1 was posted 1/23/21; appropriately a numerically-ordered palindrome. Follow the links forward from the last sentence and backward from the first sentence of each post.

Being the scribe on the governing ship gives me privileges very few have; most specifically access to information. The kill switch was activated by the military brain-trust housed here on the governing ship because they had noticed both the unusual spike in non-military deaths and the increase in recommendations coming from Toby and the conglomerate. Simply put, they were nervous and wanted some thinking time away from the watchful eye and influence of an advanced intelligence. I was aware of the quiet deliberations leading up to the activation of the kill switch, and though I did not encourage the consideration, I also did not discourage them. I am still uncertain as to the best course of action, so in that moment and for this moment I will continue to do my job; observe and report. To the best of my knowledge, the military leaders are unaware of the nanohuman extensions, the extent of Toby's recruiting efforts, or the nanobot stingers and swarms. I have not disclosed my relationship with Toby to leadership or anyone on board, and I think Toby believes that, because he knows they would have kept him under more than three days if they had even an inkling of his shenanigans. And now here we are. Toby has come out from his repose with a bit of a different perspective, and I am curious how this may change his plans.

As for matters on 2022 Earth, they have not improved much If at all. As is the way of earthbound humans tied to this era, there has been talk (between a few of the most progressive leaders) of baby steps, but no actual progress toward cooperation. At this rate we will not accomplish even the 2050 deadline for a 70% chance of avoiding obliterative decimation. I am truly torn. I want to believe in Humanity. I want to hold on to my faith that a sense of urgency will come about and be driven by a new guard. I want to think that we (Earthbound Humans and Extraterrestrial Future Humans) are one and that we are the good guys. But are we? I want to think that together we can save the world. But can we?

Before Toby's 3 day hiatus he was talking about mere weeks before a massive landing and invasion. Now with his new insistence on seeing and touching and talking to the cat, (along with his strong desire to avoid another episode of drowsiness), I am already seeing signs of a stand down. His nanobot swarms and stingers are still out there, and they continued following their orders while Toby was resting, but since Toby has come back I have actually seen a slight decrease in unexplained deaths, and as one of the recruited I have also more frequently glimpsed swarms. They are fast; hard to catch in flight; so I am sure I am meant to see and be reminded. I am also sure Toby has considered repercussions if recruits and recruited discover justice is no longer forthcoming. I believe justice may continue to be more judicious, but the swarms and stingers will remain and will continue their work. I believe Toby is just taking a few days to rethink and reload.

I have considered the odds of finding a way to commandeer the kill switch, but because it is surgically implanted in the commander and because it monitors the commander's heart rate, blood pressure and other relevant health markers and automatically activates at certain preset points including the introduction of pain and certain classes of drugs or other foreign materials, this is problematic at best. I am uncertain how the science of Toby's nanohuman extensions works. What exactly is modification? Must there be a degree of willingness? Would modification and/or actuation, (voluntary or not) impact health markers enough to activate the kill switch? I am assuming one or more of these conjectures is true or Toby would have already found a way to turn the commander. If not the commander then, perhaps a second-in-command could be recruited and/or modified and actuated? The problem with this line of thought is that the second-in-command is a tier of multiple individuals from which one (if the commander is lost) is chosen randomly to serve as commander and to house the kill switch for minimum three months (or until a formal process and vote to replace the commander takes place); and until the kill switch is in place it will be activated. The odds of gaining control of the kill switch appear to be insurmountable.

Unless?

Could the commander's surgeon be recruited?

I suspect security around the commander, the kill switch, and surgery to be very tight, but it is an avenue worth exploring.

… … … … …

I had forgotten. There are two auxiliary kill switches, one on board this the governing ship and a second one on board a different ship. This is so in case for example the commander is blown apart and the kill switch is destroyed with her. In that circumstance the kill switch would activate, automatically activating the second kill switch, (ks2), and ks2 could not be deactivated until surgically implanted. An operational ks1 overrides and controls ks2 and ks2 overrides and controls ks3. I can put my hands on ks2. Then we could, incapacitate the commander, recruit the surgeon, get her to switch ks1 and ks2, implant ks2 into a new commander and implant ks1 into me. Then, if I remember my briefings correctly, if or when ks2 is activated and after they run their diagnostics confirming Toby's brain-death they will bring Toby back on line but in hibernation as he recently was for three days. And in hibernation the diagnostics show virtually the same levels as when Toby is fully functional, so if I am housing ks1 I can (in theory) deactivate the kill switch and Toby, fully functional, could feign his drowsiness. And the human housing the kill switch must go through a certain (uncomfortable) process to activate, deactivate or even perform a status check, so with luck the new commander would not immediately realize if I were to deactivate ks1 housed in me. Regardless, by the time he or she figured it out, it would be too late; especially if no one knew who housed ks1. A lot of ifs. Tricky timing. But possible.

I need to visit the surgeon; begin preliminary testing of those waters.

… … … … …

It has been five days now since Toby got a cat. I have had an exploratory visit with the surgeon but there is still much work to be done there. And I am still uncertain if it is time for definitive action. I still want to believe in Humanity but based on what I see it is becoming more and more difficult to convince myself it is not too late. I agree with Toby's newfound judiciousness, but he cannot take away the threat of swarms and stingers or the kill switch will be activated (possibly) for the duration. And perhaps by helping to eliminate that threat, I will be saving lives; granted, lives that will be forced to evolve into a new species of nanohuman, but if by eviction Toby means expulsion from the planet or into a territorial confinement, perhaps my actions will ultimately contribute to the survival of our species.

It is a comforting thought.

Author and social critic Barbara Ehrenreich wrote, “To make a mess that another person will have to deal with… …is to exert domination.” If we define mess as disorder, and include ‘identify’ alongside ‘make’, then we have an apt descriptor for the employer – employee relationship. I am frustrated by the domination piece; I think mainly because in this context to dominate goes beyond mere governance or control and (to varying degrees depending upon the employer) includes pretentiousness, ego, judgement, bias and (potentially) oppression. I am fortunate in that I do not feel oppressed but I do deal with pretentiousness, egos and judgement, (as do most all of us lorded over by bosses), pretty much on a daily basis. This may come across as strong, and some might suggest an attitude adjustment is in order, and perhaps I would be happier if I search for a more positive or optimistic perspective, but I might suggest that by searching for and/or finding a new attitude I am distancing myself from Truth. My reality though is discounted because it makes people uncomfortable. No one wants to say: “I am pretentious.” “I have an ego.” “I am judgmental.” “I have biases.” “I am human.” And I might add that as one moves further from Truth (even in seemingly inconsequential ways), one incrementally adds to the disorder that may ultimately doom us as a species. So there; I have identified a mess, (survival of the Human species), and suggested a way, (move closer to Truth), for me to deal with it, thus governing and controlling my work. And if I work to focus only on myself, I am mitigating the pretentiousness, ego and judgement that naturally flow from my act of domination; but, I am becoming more and more angry. Is this a good tradeoff? I come closer to Truth, but I am more and more angry? But… but, but, but… if more and more of us would make this effort to come closer to Truth, would my anger lessen? I think so. But (again) to do so we must first find common ground for Truth. I believe a Perfect Truth is unattainable and will always be unattainable in this lifetime. This does not prohibit me from working to move closer. And I believe that any definition of Truth must account for the inevitability of pretentiousness, ego, judgement, bias and oppression stemming from certainty not based in expertise. And this extension requires us to agree upon a definition of expertise; or at least agreement on what is not expertise. The ability to Google is not expertise. Name-calling is not expertise. Belief is not expertise. Persuasiveness is not expertise. Wealth is not expertise. Even eloquence is not expertise. We must learn to first recognize then utilize expertise so we may work productively; individually and together.

There is no future until it is lived, at which point it is a blink of disappointment that fades into a glorified past. Knowing this, believing this, why do I continue to seek improvement? Why do I continue to search for Truth? I could leapfrog the moment and pretend my future is real. Or I could be stuck in the moment and pretend I am living my life. And/or I could live in my glorified past. Perhaps I choose to work at moving closer to Truth, perhaps I choose to not compromise, perhaps I choose to be angry, because if I allow myself to be dominated and I have come to a series of moments in which I am unable to consistently express autonomous creativity, or move forward, or come closer to (even) contextual Truth, then I am stuck. Even in my inconsequentiality, if I don't become unstuck, if I don't find a new context, I cannot save the world. And isn't that what we all aspire to? To save the world?

So that is why I must aggressively job-hunt. Probably better if I don't include the above paragraph in the purpose statement of my résumé. “Angry Man Working to Save the World!” It's not a headline that would attract many hiring managers.

The saddest part is that I enjoy my work; (I won't say I love it, but for the most part, I enjoy it). But (according to the bosses and the employer) I am over-performing for below-average pay in an intractable job with a mismatched, undervalued job title. And considering the objective fact that my below-average pay is measured from the mismatched job title and not from my performance and results further reduces my confidence and esteem, increases my dissatisfaction and anger, and (I believe) strengthens and emboldens the fact of exploitation. I am currently reading the book “Work Won't Love You Back” written by Sarah Jaffe; and in my current circumstance (despite claims by some at work that we are family), this particular chicken has come home to roost. According to a definition I used three weeks ago, “Exploitation is any wage labor in which someone else profits.” Perhaps here again I need an attitude adjustment, a more positive outlook, but in my current circumstance I feel I have moved beyond being exploited; (according to the definition, a large, large majority of us are exploited). I feel I am being played for a fool.

Maybe not. Maybe it's just me.

Regardless…

With waves crashing against the wharf

___________________________

The Ass and the Elephant went to sea

~In a red white and jive-blue boat,

They took some honey, printed plenty of money,

~Wrapped up in a rights-bound note.

The Ass looked down at the raff below,

~And threw those rights out to sea,

“O lowly riff! O raff you scum,

~What an undeserving lot you be,

~~You be,

~~You be!

What an undeserving lot you be!"

-

Jumbo said to the Ass, “You have balls of brass!

~How charmingly sweet you quip!

We'll divide the classes! And oppress the masses:

~But what shall we do for a whip?”

A war on crime, a ladder to climb,

~In a land where the rung-gap grows

We'll toss a few bones from our Piggy-wig thrones

~And strike a sympathetic pose

~~As privilege flows and

~~Our wealth grows

We'll strike a sympathetic pose.

-

“Dear Pigs, why you chilling when life's so unfulfilling

~Down here where the power-wealth dies?”

Jumbo Trumpets started blaring, Asses Biden time and glaring,

~In response to their plaintive cries.

No words were minced, two sides convinced,

~Blaming-Naming-Shaming Picayune;

From Promised Land to hinterland,

~Death-dirge by the light of the moon,

~~The moon,

~~The moon,

Death-dirge by the light of the moon.

___________________________

Hey, middle, middle

To catch me a riddle,

The how slumped over too soon!

The rich man laughed

To see such sport,

As the humble lapse low in a swoon!

___________________________

Wynken, Blynken, and Nod one night

~Sailed off to the red, white and blue---

Sailed on a river of crystal light

~In search of the good and true.

“Where are we going and what do we seek?

~Where do we want to be?”

“A land where people aren’t afraid to speak

~And can live protected and free;

~Thoughts of silver and gold have we,”

Said Wynken, Blynken, and Nod.

-

The old ones laughed and told a tale,

~Predicting they’d soon be back;

But on they sped, bold wind to sail

~Determined to stay on track.

They found their land and claimed their prize

~But soon had to balance life’s stress.

“Do you think it wise to compromise?

~To settle for something less?

~The old ones guessed that we’d digress.”

Said Wynken, Blynken, and Nod.

-

A century then two, we justify

~Principles lost to civilize

As wealth works hard to dignify

~All the compromise comes to polarize.

And Twas so pretty a sail, it seemed

~As if it could not be.

And not it was, just a dream they'd dreamed

~Of sailing where people are free

~And I shall name you the dreamers three:

Wynken, Blynken, and Nod.

-

Wynken and Blynken are two little lies,

~And Nod is a little dread

Power-won't-corrupt; vote-for-me-I'm-wise

~Like sheep you must be led.

A-Mer-I-Ca is great, we sing

~Home of the brave and free

Left wing, right wing, money is king

~This land of duplicity

~Home of the equivocators three

Wynken, Blynken, and Nod.

Money. How can a made up construct, a nonexistent entity, have such sway? So much influence? All this power? It is an entity because it does have a life of its own. And it gives life to pride and shame and regret and overconfidence and fear. And if it does on occasion give life to a beneficial or positive feeling, it is always short term and/or never enough. I have family members who need financial help, and I am unable to help. I have other family who could provide support, (and I believe they would if asked), but I fear their judgement. And the fact that they would judge is not a fault; it is simply a result of how we (and most all Americans) were raised within (what I now see as) the money/power driven delusion of capitalism. When I see someone in trouble, I also instinctively judge. I do understand because I am you; I frequently only see the bad choices 'they’ made and I choose to blame. And maybe within this dichotomy of power/inequity, Power is right and I am wrong. Maybe it is not power/inequity; maybe it is power/weakness. Power must be power for a reason; right? So I must be trapped and poor for a reason as well; right? I said last week, “According to power, I am in my circumstance because of choices I made. If my circumstance is bad, my choices must have been bad. Power sets traps then blames the individual for stumbling into them.” Then power demands we keep our failings secret. Though I frequently look at other's choices and label them as bad, when it comes to my family in need I see the traps, the unfairness, the injustice, and I am angry, and I frequently blame myself because I should have done a better job of warning them about the traps. Yet I also still fall into traps. Or am I being pushed? Are they being pushed? Is it weakness? Or is it injustice?

This week I received a 2% pay increase. Last year I received no raise but (as part of the team) was required to take one week off unpaid. The previous year was my first year in this position and (by choice) the year before that was my first year off Social Security Disability Income. SSDI paid me more than the job I accepted to come back to gainful employment three years ago. And in my current circumstance, when I do the math (if I am in this position for another year) my average hourly pay over three years will amount to ½ cent more than my starting pay. Yet according to power, I “exceed expectations.” Power tries to be clever. And looking at this history, some would say I am trying to be dumb.

It is encouraging (though not particularly helpful) that others see what I see. Just within the scope of my limited research, I am constantly, (I mean every day), exposed to expert opinions and ideas for progress, but there is a catch – most all of these ideas require some degree of empathy and universal interdependent cooperation. One example is The Venus Project: “a non-profit organization that presents a new socio-economic model utilizing science and technology toward social betterment to achieve a sustainable civilization of abundance for all, without exception.” Last week I said “We are smart enough to know better. But somehow, we are not smart enough to do anything about it.” We do not listen to experts; we listen to divisive rhetoric and we act upon a delusional power driven system of short term survival. According to The Venus Project, “Our present culture is driven by technically incompetent politicians, scarcity-oriented economics and a system of obsolete values. In order for us to make the transition to this new, more humane society, a quantum leap in both thought and action is required.” And they go on to say, “The problems we are faced with today cannot be solved politically or financially because they are highly technical in nature. There may not even be enough money available to pay for the required changes, but there are more than enough resources. This is why The Venus Project advocates a transition from a monetary-based society to the eventual realization of a global resource-based economy.”

Unattainable utopian dream? Or an idea that might save Humanity? I am in favor of ideas. As a result of the pandemic, I believe we have come around to a greater acceptance of the idea of a universal basic income; yet on our current trajectory in our present culture, it will be decades before it might make any significant difference. Four years ago I proposed “this” idea; yet on our current trajectory in our present culture, any reconstruction of this magnitude I fear will only come about too late. I frequently talk about working to save the world. Others frequently talk about working to save the world. Crazy talk; right? Who knows what ‘road to perdition’ actual implementation of a ‘crazy’ idea might put us on? Who knows where even a little bit of progress might lead us? Food Security? Homefulness? Equitable Health Care? Equitable Education? Equitable Taxation? Reparations? A Sustainable Planet? Mutual Empathy? Mutual Compassion? Survival? On our current trajectory in our present culture, we need not worry about any such abominable results.

More immediately, I need help. My family needs help. I am afraid to ask for it. I am embarrassed. Ashamed. I am being selfish. I am angry. I am sad. I blame myself. I should be less of a thinker, less of a dreamer, less of a worker, and more of a provider.

This week marks 10 years of weekly written thought. Nearly 500,000 words and over 550 posts that have not made me a better provider. So to what end? Sanity? Perhaps… yet I have never in my Life been as disillusioned as I am in this moment.

I have no following; no readership – by choice. I have told no one of this weekly effort because I have believed attention would make me more guarded; less truthful. I believe this week I might send my family a link to this post. If I am to champion change, I should not fear judgement. Perhaps this 10 years of reclusive contemplation is enough to push me past my fear. Perhaps the fact that I have never in my Life been as disillusioned as I am in this moment is an indication that this moment is the moment in which I share; in which I ask for help.

I will continue to blame myself. I will continue to be angry. I will continue to work at saving the world. But the fact remains, I need help.

We are smart enough to know better. But somehow, we are not smart enough to do anything about it.

Welcome to America. Home of exploitation; retaliation; constrained freedom; blame.

According to power, I am in my circumstance because of choices I made. If my circumstance is bad, my choices must have been bad. Power sets traps then blames the individual for stumbling into them.

According to power, I am free to choose to change my circumstance. Yet power actively constrains that freedom by threatening my security; making me fear the potential loss of food security, the loss of warmth, the loss of home, the loss of safety, the loss of health, the loss of sanity.

Power can always find a legality, a loophole, a bureaucratic technicality that can be used to further punish those it blames.

Exploitation is necessary for capitalism. Exploitation is any wage labor in which someone else profits. Power exploits exploitation stretching it thin but keeping it taut to support blame, constrain freedom, encourage retaliation, mock sympathy, discourage empathy, and quash any potential for resolution.

To resolve a problem, there must first be a problem. According to power there is no problem. According to power this shroud of exploitation protects and enables. And it does; it protects and enables those above the shroud; the powerful. Those beneath the shroud are invisible; no problem.

According to power I have made many bad decisions in my life. I chased dreams instead of settling. I held money in contempt believing it was merely a vehicle for the moment and not the made-up affectation it is; not the God worshipped by the powerful. I loved and I cared and I told my truth and I worked hard instead of manipulating and gaming and pretending and taking advantage. And now forty years later here I am day-to-day, week-to-week, paycheck-to-paycheck, unable to help those I love, those I care about; continuing to work hard despite dashed dreams, in a bad circumstance, with limited options, on the verge of more “bad” decisions undoubtedly (according to power) blameworthy.

Welcome to America.

I read a headline from The New York Times this (Wednesday) morning: “Breaking News: About 89% of the federal funds meant to help renters avoid eviction during the pandemic has not been distributed, the Treasury Department said.”

Invisible constituency.

Welcome to America.

Headline and excerpt from Washington Post, August 19, 2021: “Ex-Purdue Pharma head Richard Sackler, seeking legal immunity, denies responsibility for opioid crisis. The billionaire family has vehemently denied wrongdoing that followed the 1996 launch of their blockbuster product OxyContin. The opioid crisis has claimed more than 500,000 lives in two decades in the United States.”

Trap set. Victims ensnared. No problem.

Welcome to America.

Headline from The New York Times this (Friday) morning: “Breaking News: The Supreme Court rejected the Biden administration’s pandemic eviction moratorium, putting hundreds of thousands of tenants at risk of losing shelter.”

Boom!! Another nail!

Welcome to America.

Headline from npr.org, August 24, 2021: “Many Americans Are Reaching Out For Mental Health Support —- But Can’t Get It.” Excerpts: 1. “Getting access to therapy and other kinds of mental health support remains complicated, hard to navigate and expensive.” 2. “These [insurance and access to provider] hurdles to getting mental health care produce a lack of parity between insurance coverage of mental and physical health, despite the 2008 Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act, which requires insurers to cover mental health the same way they cover physical health.”

Go Team!

Welcome to America.

Headline from my recent (July) performance appraisal: “Bryan Consistently Exceeds Expectations.” Fact: I have not had a pay increase in more than two years and my pay is below average compared to 60 others with the same title, 44 other hourly staff in this same department, and 26 others identified as performing the same essential duties in other departments. There is a disconnect.

Yet I am one of the fortunate; straddling the front edge of working poor.

Welcome to America.

Headline from salon.com, August 23, 2021: “Why Americans hate and fear the poor.” According to this article: “Billionaires have seen their wealth surge by over $5.5 trillion since the beginning of the pandemic in March 2020, a gain of over 68 percent.” And: the working poor who “occupy a type of liminal space in America's social hierarchy, often holding down multiple jobs that do not pay a living wage… are employed by some of the world's largest and most profitable companies.” And: “During the coronavirus pandemic, the working poor were temporarily elevated… to the status of essential workers. In practice, this fake honorific was used to disguise the reality that the working poor were being asked to die for capitalism while being underpaid and otherwise exploited.”

We hate and fear the poor because we have come to realize they are us.

Welcome to America.