hopelesshappiness.com

I refuse to believe there is no escape. I feel a need to escape but I recognize my need for a paycheck as a greater need. So I must think this through, carefully. This recent line of thought has had me wrestling with these two questions:

• Escape from what? And
• Flee to where?

I have been thinking I've had a good idea of the what, but I am struggling with the where. If I flee to a where that is essentially the same what I am working to extricate myself from, a new desire to escape will again begin to build; and I am finding most wheres I have considered, eerily similar. The only advantage to new scenery is that it might provide a small reprieve in which (for a little while) I can pretend. A need to escape implies a confinement of some sort which begs the question, in what (if any) circumstance is an individual today not restrained or held in check by some greater power? With all this in mind, I can still answer (in broad strokes and specifically) what I want to escape from, but as I am beginning to realize, it severely limits my options when I consider where to flee to. So of course if I flee regardless, the what when I get there will likely not be the Ideal opposite I was hoping for, but likely will include kindred power struggles providing only that aforementioned small reprieve. Some have the wealth/power to create a personal what that they perceive as fulfilling their desires, (I don't), so instead of feeling a need to escape, these lucky individuals work to maintain. It is this systematized power dynamic that ultimately, successfully implores many of us to embrace our place; to stay put; to pretend. For most of us, it appears that our only choices are 1) this oppressive acquiescence or 2) the shuffle-step-sit-shuffle dance-of-1000-paper-cuts that we do so well. Yet I began these thoughts saying I refuse to believe there is no escape.

I am looking for a where, (somewhere – anywhere), that provides the what I desire. I have heard of such employers who hire people, not titles. And if you asked, I suspect near 100% of all organizations would claim to prioritize people over titles, yet in the hiring process, what comes first? Again, I suspect near 100% of all organizations begin with a title often followed by job classifications and categories and grades followed by applications followed by applicants followed by a few applicants upgraded to candidates followed by (one-sided) interviews all before this regimented process actually produces any semblance of a people. Damn the bureaucracy! Perhaps I don't want to be a title or an applicant or an interview. Perhaps I just want to be recognized as a people and considered for my overall knowledge, skills and abilities. This is (a significant part of) the what that I want. If an organization were to consider people first, I can't imagine results being any worse than the shuffle-step-sit-shuffle dance that all this consensus procedural pretense produces. Doesn't it make more sense to form the mold to the contours of the person than to stuff or drop the person into an uncomfortable, ill-fitting preformed mold?

So that's it. Moving forward I will not apply for positions, I will apply only as a whole person to organizations that purport to lack pretense. I have two years before I can retire. I don't really need to retire in two years and of course I will not quit working in two years. So if I am able to find an organization brave enough to mold a job to a person, perhaps they will in return receive 10 - 20 years of productive, efficient, thoughtful, creative value. Pretty good deal. And if I am unable to find such an employer? Then I suppose I will retire sooner and poorer, which in my mind would be a sad waste. We will see if anyone steps up.

I am still learning to cook.

To sustain is “to supply with food, drink, and other necessities of life.”

In this world today, there are more than 8 billion evolving definitions for necessities.

To nourish is “to strengthen, build up, or promote.”

To cook is to work toward sustenance and/or nourishment.

(Definitions from dictionary.com)

To cook seriously is to put forth my best effort, believing my best effort will always be ahead of me.

For me, cooking is cleansing; spiritual; nourishment on multiple levels.

Cooking brings me happiness.

Definition from a friend: “Happiness is something that makes you smile, that gives you a sense of wonder, that you like, that you appreciate, that speaks to you, that brings you joy, that is tied to [but goes beyond] your physical senses.”

I believe Happiness is in one’s search for unattainable Truth and Wisdom. And I believe to experience a sense of wonder and/or joy is to catch a fleeting glimpse of Truth and Wisdom; and to glimpse Truth and Wisdom in this way may encourage one to more consciously seek Truth and Wisdom. But I also believe, as a Human, to consciously seek Truth and Wisdom is to foster dissatisfaction. And for some, to consciously seek Truth and Wisdom is to open oneself to the possibility of debilitating dissatisfaction. Yet dissatisfaction is necessary to strive toward Truth and Wisdom. All of this is why so many of us simplify by seeking comfort and embracing prepackaged truth and wisdom, thereby lessening opportunities for wonder and joy.

Dissatisfaction is necessary to live Life.

To live Life seriously is to put forth my best effort, believing my best effort will always be ahead of me.

To live Life seriously is to consider God.

I believe in the Will of God, so I must believe in God.

However…

“An insistence that God is a mindset or doctrine or ideology is constraint without freedom and an entrenched belief that ‘my’ way is Goodness; whereas an insistence that God is dead is freedom without constraint and a laissez faire approach to responsibility and resolution.”

So to consider God seriously is to question everything, believing my questions will not be answered in this lifetime.

“To claim to know is to deny God. If God wanted us to Know, with certainty, there would be no differing opinions; no varied interpretations. To be certain is to reject personal learning and growth. I do not worship my God; I focus on Her Will. I struggle mightily in every moment, with every thought, with every decision, with every act. I remain steadfast in my conviction that the constancy of uncertainty, the struggle between Goodness and Malevolence, Compassion and Cruelty, Empathy and Indifference, a desire for Justice and a self-serving greed, is necessary for essentiality, which in turn is necessary for survival; and ultimately salvation. This is my God.”

I have been told I am a good cook. I am not. On occasion I get good results I believe because I am not willing to settle for a status quo. I am constantly striving to do better; to be better. I frequently make obvious mistakes and must compromise my plan by shifting into rescue mode. I sometimes think everything has gone as planned only to discover an error or misjudgment in the results. And rarely but every now and then results are such that I am merely left to ask the question, “What can I do better next time?” If I do not ask this question, if I believe I cannot do better, I will not strive to do better. To not strive to do better is to quit. To believe everything is as it should be is to quit. To quit is to not cook seriously. For me, to not cook seriously is to not live Life seriously.

I am still learning to cook.

If I were one of the top 15 high school basketball recruits in the nation, it is reasonable to believe that I could go to a school with a strong history of tournament and Final Four appearances and have a reasonable chance of an active role on a national championship team. If I were in the next tier of recruits, (say 16-45), I would have a decision to make. Would I prefer a bench role on a top 15 team? Or would I choose a starting role on a next-tier team? This is of course oversimplified but, accounting for egos, I believe most tier 16-45 players would opt for a top 15 school believing they would not ride the bench for long. This coupled with those who better understand the reality of their circumstance and choose a subordinate role on a team with a greater chance of a national championship over a starting role on a perennial tournament team that aspires to the sweet sixteen, helps to explain not only why more top-notch players choose those teams in the top 10%, but also how the rich get richer.

It happened again this week. UConn won the National Championship; their 5th. Never mind three teams made the Final Four for the very first time, UConn successfully defended the Reich; the Land of Greater Opportunity, Entitlement, Power and Control.

This time last year I noted the amazing similarity between the wealth gap and National Championships and between the income gap and Final Four appearances. Top 10, Middle 40, and Bottom 50 numbers both last year and this year were not only aligned in that order but were also within on average (from wealth to championships and from income to Final Fours) 2.8 percentage points. And though some baby steps were taken from last year to this year in both Final Four appearances and U.S. income (each equitably gaining one-half percentage point), and despite the media / political hype surrounding and working hard to sensationalize these gains, these inroads for the little guy, the underdog, the unfortunate, the downtrodden did not change the fact that UConn still won and the gaps (no matter the form or venue) are still (overwhelmingly) wide.

This Year’s Numbers

Final Four Appearances:

• Top 10 – 48.2%
• Middle 40 – 43.5%
• Bottom 50 – 8.3%

US Income Inequality:

• Top 10 – 45.6%
• Middle 40 – 40.6%
• Bottom 50 – 13.8%

National Championships:

• Top 10 – 69.1%
• Middle 40 – 30.9%
• Bottom 50 – 0.0%

US Wealth Inequality:

• Top 10 – 68.2%
• Middle 40 – 28.8%
• Bottom 50 – 3.0%

Last Year’s Numbers

Final Four Appearances:

• Top 10 – 48.8%
• Middle 40 – 43.4%
• Bottom 50 – 7.8%

US Income Inequality:

• Top 10 – 45.5%
• Middle 40 – 41.2%
• Bottom 50 – 13.3%

National Championships:

• Top 10 – 65.1%
• Middle 40 – 34.9%
• Bottom 50 – 0.0%

US Wealth Inequality:

• Top 10 – 70.7%
• Middle 40 – 27.8%
• Bottom 50 – 1.5%

We invented privilege as a place to go to ground and wealth as a way to abscond with confidence. We are all liars: playing hide-and-seek from ourselves, keeping secrets, claiming we talk to God, and believing our worst memory will remain so.

I deserve comfort. Enlightenment should be grateful it is allowed to call on me. Regarding hardship, everyone is deserving except for me and mine. Random luck of the draw is not an impediment to success. Justice can be justified and individual experience cannot be trusted. My conscious, blanket rejection of injustice exonerates me from unthinking actions and behaviors that may do harm. Less powerful groups only have their selves and their leaders to blame. Inclusion is not the same as exclusion and membership or associate membership in a group does not make one a co-conspirator. When there is a consensus positive outcome, the most powerful group is responsible. When there is a consensus negative outcome, it is because efforts were undermined. We cannot trust our children to make up their own minds. There is no conspiracy. There is no common enemy; they've been replaced by associate members. The number of guns and the number of prisoners in America are necessary to fight crime and maintain justice. American exceptionalism and America's ideals are an accurate reflection of its practices throughout its history. Today, it is in our best interest to include admitted and probable detractors and nonbelievers so they may know better, do better, be better. Might is right and the powerful (not only do, but) should control the narrative. Common Humanity as practiced in capitalism is the only answer.

I believe the thoughts in the previous paragraph are (at best) faulty and (at worst) delusional and dangerous. Yet many of these are the thoughts that appear to be guiding us today; determining both our direction and our route. And though I recognize these thoughts as errant, I am as guilty as any other for (on occasion) seeking their security. I said in the first paragraph “we are all liars” – and we are. And we always will be. The problem is, too many of us don't recognize our self as such. Too many of us believe too fervently in our delusions. And though some with influence, with power, glimpse a little piece of Truth and sense the potential looming danger, they still appear to believe we are better off with baby steps. They still argue that we should embrace a common humanity rather than identify a common enemy. They still believe negotiation is better than an all-out offensive. This less-delusional, baby-step, embrace-negotiation faction though, does not appear to understand how well entrenched the more-delusional, much-more-dangerous traditionalists are. From the security and comfort of their well-fortified positions, the traditionalists indoctrinate. From their evolving, exposed and unprotected positions of uncertainty, the baby-steppers work to educate. And from their divided, disjointed positions of fear and anger and sadness, the masses find traditional indoctrination easier and more comfortable than education. So, in our current circumstance a smaller group of the wealthy, powerful privileged hide behind a very large flock of hypnopompic followers claiming righteousness by majority rule; it is still the much smaller group in charge. Yet if expertise and rational thought suddenly overpowered capitalist riches to become the currency that determines wealth, power and privilege, we would likely (eventually) have a similar circumstance in which a much smaller group would be in charge. Personally, I would prefer a small group of experts and thinkers over a small group of rich white men who inherited daddy's money.

So do we identify a common enemy and wage a nonviolent, rational war, an all-out offensive, utilizing experts in an effort to overpower delusion? Or do we continue baby-stepping our way to a legacy of a short-lived mammalian species that inflicted long-lasting harm to a once beautiful planet?

It may still be up to us – if we hurry…

When I say, “good enough is not good enough,” I believe it scares people, because I believe that for most people good enough is good enough and for a lot of people not-quite good enough is also good enough and for too many people not-at-all good enough is, well, still okay. Good enough. A phrase that when you say it frequently, it starts to lose its meaning; on multiple levels. Today, where the overriding goal for most people is comfort and it is expected that you will go into a job (or any endeavor) just planning to get by, who really wants to work with (or worse yet, for) someone who is never satisfied? So much easier (and far more cheerful) when everyone goes along to get along, and we pretend that one-hundred-percent of those in our cohort are above average, and we are happy with the bare minimum because to be dissatisfied is to be troublesome, difficult, vexing, fractious, ungrateful; and once we are labeled as any of those things, we are ostracized in as polite and pretentious of terms as is possible, because after all, we must be sure that no matter what, we all get along.

My current-day dilemma is I am job-hunting and I don't know how to market troublesome, difficult, vexing, fractious, ungrateful. I like to ask the question, “is it better to be truthful or nice?” And I have a natural aversion to anything less than (at least 75 or 80 percent) truthfulness, and I have not figured out how to tell a prospective employer that I am frustrated in my current position by varying forms of Good-Enough. In my struggles with this explanation, I believe I only succeed in helping them to see a time down the road when they will be faced with my dissatisfaction. I have tried to spin this as improvement, lifelong learning, adaptability, raising the bar, and the desire for a new challenge, but I think all they are thinking is, “Yikes! What would I be getting myself into?” I am intense and serious; and I know this comes across in an interview, and I know this is (again) often thought synonymous with troublesome, difficult, vexing, fractious, ungrateful. And I do understand how striving for excellence can get in the way of pretentious camaraderie, but when did comfort and simplicity overtake and strangle the life out of the satisfaction from hard work and high standards?

I even understand that with 8,023,375,108 people here on this planet in this moment, there has to be more give than take, (and I am a strong advocate for improvement through some form of social democracy), but this reality should not punish those of us who, despite believing Truth to be unattainable, are still searching. The question remains – how do I market these (misinterpreted) attributes that should be my strongest selling points? How do I not scare people – and still be truthful?

There are other factors in my current desire for change: an increased workload, below-average pay, the aforementioned polite, pretentious disengagement, superficial promises and priorities, excessive, misguided bureaucracy. But once again, though I am happy to share reasonable examples, facts, statistics and even a spreadsheet or two, if I am truthful I will come across as troublesome, difficult, vexing, fractious, ungrateful.

To job hunt implies dissatisfaction. But I am finding that in a job interview, to be truthful about the nature of that dissatisfaction is injudicious; counterproductive. Yes, I am unhappy with the status quo; with any status quo. And my current job description could be summed up in one word: maintain. And with the increased workload I am barely able to do that. And I realize that if or when I do find a different job, I may go into a new circumstance where once again, good enough is good enough; but at least I will have the challenge (for a little while) of a new learning curve, and maybe I could even advance from below-average pay to average pay.

My current department finally got approval (several weeks ago) to hire another full-time person to help with the workload, but we are counting now in months the time this process has taken so far, and the job is still not posted on the list of over a thousand available jobs, and by the time it is posted and we go through the process of screening and interviewing and making a decision on a person willing to accept below-below-average pay to do a difficult, uncomfortable job, and then we account for their new learning curve by further increasing my workload at the beginning (if we move quickly) of a new academic year when the workload is already at its heaviest… well, it sounds and already feels like a never-ending saga. I would not be surprised to learn that this apparent unwillingness to do the right thing is a (conscious and/or subconscious) part of my punishment for striving toward excellence and for encouraging others to do the same and not going along to get along. Regarding my current circumstance and partially in hindsight:

• I never wanted kind words.
• I never wanted reassurance.
• I never wanted justification; i.e. excuses.
• I never wanted apologies.
• I never wanted promises.
• I never even wanted acknowledgement that my perspective is valid.

In the past four years I have received all of these things but all of these things have turned out to be mere delaying tactics. In hindsight, what I did want was change for a significant better. What I want now is a different job. But I don't know how to market troublesome, difficult, vexing, fractious, ungrateful.

It pains me to say…

But perhaps I have no choice but to be less than truthful.

Maybe the best way to do that is to get in front of it by acknowledging the obvious: that by definition to job hunt is to admit to some dissatisfaction. In my case my dissatisfaction stems from my job description (to maintain) and my pay (below average). And a new job that pays more, regardless of departmental philosophy on good-enough, will also provide new opportunities and a new learning curve. This is not being entirely truthful but it does (more succinctly) sum up my dissatisfaction and it might-perhaps-maybe partially mask my vexatious nature. It would be a step forward as opposed to my current circumstance in which I am at best standing still.

All this said, I still believe my vexatious nature is a necessary strength and I believe, for the sake of survival, more of us need to champion hard work and high standards.