hopelesshappiness.com

That's the worst; when you're dreaming, then you're awake, but you're not, until you are; but you don't know. Even when it's just a dream and not a bad dream, that's the worst.

The State of Missouri had a big win last week. Final score 104 – 39. No, I am not referring to the football game. I am referring to the vote in the state legislature rejecting a ban on children carrying guns in public. 104 – 39. So screamingly sad.

Am I awake? Is this real? Or just a bad dream?

Add this embarrassment to other ill-advised legislation such as SAPA, and throw in a bunch of easily-found, damning statistics, and Missouri's stance on gun rights vs. Human Rights is clear. All I can say is Go Team! This year we took 4th place in the Gun Deaths Derby, but with this home win and our coaches and our team leaders and the depth on our bench, I believe we can do better. Like our beloved Tomahawk-Chopping Chiefs, next year we have a real shot at the Championship.

So screamingly sad.

How about just doing the right thing because it's the right thing to do? This week I have been reading about homelessness and its associated healthcare costs. According to Dr. Andrew Boozary, a primary care physician practicing social medicine in Toronto, "The life expectancy for people surviving homelessness is half that of the general public." For me this should be the primary factor driving us as Humans to work toward resolution. Half the normal lifespan! Instead, (from my small sampling), there appear to be a disproportionate number of quotes citing cost factors. And I suppose it is helpful that (according to Kaiser Health News), "Many hospitals realize it's cheaper to provide a month of housing than to keep patients for a single night," but shouldn’t we be focused on healthcare sans cost?

Here are some additional examples including from hospitals considering and/or implementing housing options:

• According to California Healthline, one analysis “showed that people with stable housing cost taxpayers 79 percent less than their homeless counterparts, and most of the savings were in health care.”
• Again, according to Kaiser Health News, “It costs Denver Health $2,700 a night to keep someone in the hospital. Patients who are prime candidates for the transitional [housing] units stay [instead, in the hospital] on average 73 days, for a total cost to the hospital of nearly $200,000. The hospital estimates it would cost a fraction of that, about $10,000, to house a patient for a year.”
• And according to one hospital’s chief financial officer, “We might be able to help better their lives, as well as help the financials of the hospital.”

On the one hand we “might” help the homeless – on the other we ‘will’ help the hospital's financials. The priority is clear. But why must we justify? It is because this is how we have to talk to those in powerful decision-making positions. It is like reasoning with a child who only knows they want to stay up late and eat too many sweets and cannot see ahead to the potential consequences. Our subservience to the bottom line and our predilection for pretentiousness has us trapped in this cycle of childish short-term thinking that will only continue to bring us around, again and again, to blissful justification. Justification is not Justice, and Justice is becoming more and more necessary for survival.

Recently, I drew a line from Indulgence that forked to Passion and Cruelty. From Passion it traveled on to Justice and from Cruelty to Division. Because I am Human, Passion and Cruelty (from indulgence) are (in practice) inseparable; Siamese twins. When my inclination or desire leans toward Humanity as one, I will come closer to Justice. When my hand is heavy with myself or my cohort, I am more likely to divide and fall back on certainty, convention, and bureaucracy. So to enhance / encourage Justice I must build on Beauty, Truth and Wisdom and carefully guide my inclinations and desires away from self-interest and entitlement, and toward a passion for the future of all Humanity as one. And until we improve in this regard, our trajectory will not change.

As a Human I don't believe there is a simple, straightforward, applicable definition for Justice. Objectively, (perhaps) it begins with empathy minus self-interest and entitlement. From there, (I believe) it must include serious consideration for all future generations, which in most cases will also help reduce self-interest and entitlement. On our current trajectory, as justice is practiced today, (i.e. divisive cruelty), I see an endless march, into future generations, of homeless Humans all living half a normal lifespan. And on our current trajectory, the numbers will continue to grow. And this does not bode well for our survival.

So…

How about just doing the right thing because it's the right thing to do?

It is exercise. But to what end? If I could know that on May 17, 2031 I will be hit and killed by a beer truck, and that at that time, (or I guess technically a moment before that time), I will still be in relatively good health for a 71 year old man, would I continue to exercise? Or would I opt for a lazier comfort? I believe I would continue to exercise. Then the question becomes, “Why?”

This is an interesting question for every one of us who in this moment are relatively healthy and active. Pick a future date in the next ten years and/or at least two to three decades before your 100th birthday and imagine that beer truck. We've all got one; your own personal beer truck, lying in wait for you. Knowing this, and knowing the date, would you continue to expend extra effort and maintain discipline at your current rate? Not knowing the date, changes the dynamics of this consideration in that we will believe effort / discipline / exercise / activity has a good chance of pushing that date further into the future. But with a definitive date there will come a point when it is just exercise. A realization that it will not change the fact of the looming beer truck.

So perhaps the answer to the question “Why?” is, “because I would rather my health to that point be relative to a greater degree of effort and discipline than for it to be relative to lazy comfort.” So now the question becomes “When?” – a different when.

Having coronary artery disease and having had more than one heart attack, all dating back to 2010, six years ago I stopped eating meat; (I still eat fish and seafood). I also exercise. I have had no hospitalizations since this conversion and I believe my diet and exercise have played a significant part in this. So the specific when question for me, if my beer truck date is May 17, 2031, “On what date do I once again become a regular at KFC? And Cane's? And Popeye’s?”

Though this is interesting, the fact is we do not know our date and we will continue to expend varying degrees of effort to prolong our existence. So why don't we apply this chain of reasoning to Humanity as a species? When I do, I see KFC, Cane’s and Popeye's as capitalism, power and wealth and, as a species, I do not see much exercise. I do not see much effort truly toward prolonging our existence. Somewhere along the way we have mistaken bureaucracy for Beauty, convention for Truth, certainty for Wisdom, division for Justice, entitlement for Salvation. And as a result, as a species, our effort / discipline / exercise / activity is designed to prolong the existence of bureaucracy, convention, certainty, division, capitalism, power, wealth, entitlement. For us, as a species, the beer truck is looming.

The actual original question I asked myself that prompted this week's thought was, “why on Earth am I expending weekly effort to think, learn and write when it is becoming more and more obvious that it is just an exercise?” In this regard, alongside my desire to aid in prolonging the existence of Humanity, I still have hope. Foolish? Perhaps. But I can't help but hope and I feel strongly that one's hope must be active; so I will continue to think, learn and write and I will (likely) continue to be mean and surly and I will continue to work to save the world.

When I look up at the cold, spiky, shiny heights of reality I am enlightened, but in the muddy moonscape of my mind I struggle. Unfortunately I believe most of us cannot unbog ourselves enough to look up at the clarity of the spikes, much less contemplate this definitive rendering of the potential of actuality. If reality is something that exists independently of ideas concerning it, then I can never know reality; I can never know Truth. But I can maintain that actuality, (a Funhouse mirror image of either reality or delusion), springs from human intervention. To intervene is to come between, so for a human to insert their self (which we have no choice but to do) on what one perceives as the lee side of reality, and then seriously contemplate reality, the resulting interpretation becomes one's actuality. To be bogged down though, seldom looking up and never with intent to better understand, is to interpret actuality as delusion, (and to never even consider a possibility of Truth). So I have a choice. Though I will never know reality, I can interpret my actuality from what of it I can see and seriously consider, or I can mold my mud to justify and substantiate my momentary delusion. It is much easier to justify and substantiate, especially when my delusion is pre-packaged.

This unreachable Reality is like a furry-purry with mangle-fangles; not only wildly unpredictable but for many also largely incomprehensible. Will it purr? Or will it pounce? And why? In pondering these questions as in dealing with reality, we find safety in numbers and numbers tend toward delusion and delusion is far more manageable, predictable, convenient. So we mold our mud and we believe so strongly and in such great numbers - that our delusions threaten our survival.

From reality to actuality? Or from delusion to actuality? I prefer the former but the latter truly is more comfortable; especially for those able to find a place within the delusion, but, to an extent, also those on the fringes, within an arm's length, or even within shouting distance. Reality is uncomfortable but delusion is dangerous.

Those with money and power perpetuating the widening wealth gap have bought into the delusion. Token leadership believing they have or are close to wealth and power have bought into the delusion. Higher education has bought into the delusion. Health care has bought into the delusion. Politicians have bought into the delusion. Inclusion, diversity and equity initiatives have bought into the delusion. The five black police officers who beat Tyre Nichols to death have bought into the delusion. Justice, in this country, has bought into the delusion.

I have grown weary of the wait. Promises. Good Intentions. Baby Steps. Bullshit. Goodness stymied by fear. As a species, as long as each generation considers only their self, and as long as token leadership continues to follow the rules, it appears we will maintain ourselves into nonexistence. It does not have to be.

Last week I called out my employer (who claims to want “to address historical imbalances”) by asking how much more historical can you go than the imbalance between the privileged and the majority? And while on the surface, working through inclusion, diversity and equity initiatives in the interest of “race/ethnicity, gender/gender identity, sexual orientation, country of origin, and ability as well as cultural, political, religious, or other affiliations,” appears to be worthwhile (and often, to an extent, is), even when successful the result is deserving individuals given more opportunity to buy into and maintain the status quo. Then we are stymied by our fear that the advances we have made, (if we keep asking for more), might somehow be rescinded. We must go deeper. The true villain is class difference; and of course because the privileged class makes the rules and the decisions, class difference will remain – same as it ever was.

And my employer's response? Consistent. I once again was referred to an HR rep. The entirety of their response was, “Much like last year (email attached), your concerns were forwarded to me, as the School of Medicine HR Director. Please let me know if you would like to set up a time to discuss your concerns.”

Token leadership. Token gesture.

As a species, we believe we thrive but the Truth is, we are slowly fading away.

I am sad.