hopelesshappiness.com

Last week in the post 'Health and Happiness' I touched on how "satisfaction begets dissatisfaction". Throughout these posts and pages I have suggested that Happiness is best not chased after, but instead allowed to find us (often unexpectedly) as a result of our efforts towards Truth, Wisdom, inner peace, and exoteric goodness. This week I have found a continuation to this line of thinking in that just as Happiness finds us, so too does pain. Whether emotional, spiritual, mental, or physical, (just as Happiness cannot be sought after and found) pain does not discriminate and cannot be avoided. Granted, there are ways to mitigate the likelihood of unintentional self-inflicted pain, and there are ways to enhance opportunities for Relative Momentary Happiness (RMH), but there are many instances of both pain and Happiness that simply happen; and the more such instances of one (partially due to the resulting heightened awareness), the more such instances of the other.

So should we avoid Truth and Wisdom to lessen the likelihood of pain? Should we practice the art of unreality by 'acting' cheerful and creating a persona? Should we choose a perpetual state of blissful ignorance? For me the answer is No. I will accept the pain of Happiness to experience the satisfaction of a Life lived with open eyes.

As a result of this philosophy though, I too often find myself tending towards grumpiness, impatience, or (at worst) anger. I deal with these tendencies in two different ways:

1. I let the reality of my feelings shine through; especially with those feelings / reactions that may be unpleasant but typically do no long-term damage, such as a little surliness or impatience. I believe this is simply practicing the reality that I preach.
2. If I catch myself tending towards an extreme such as anger, I will utilize a crutch such as gratitude, optimism, or even (occasionally) unwilling sacrifice. At times circumstances dictate the use of one or more crutch to keep the peace. This is more often the case (for me anyway) in a work setting or around strangers and/or casual acquaintances.

Sometimes I don't catch myself. Other times I misjudge my intensity or the recipient's sensitivity. When this occurs (and when I am thinking clearly) I revert to various guiding principles such as compassion, patience, humility and persistence to help set things right. (Refer to the Periodic Happiness Table of Elements for further explanation of Guiding Principles and Crutches.)

As is usually the case, I am more successful in thoughts and words than in actions; yet I find that thoughts and words are a positive influence on actions.

Pain is Growth.

In this post I want to talk about healthy habits as they apply to physical health, leaving spiritual, emotional, and intellectual health for another time. I think it's important to note the qualification just made - "healthy habits as they apply to physical health" - meaning that optimal health is not necessary for healthy habits. In fact, I have found that less than optimal health can prove to be a jumping-off point, encouraging healthy habits.

First, some personal background. After a disability (Meniere's Syndrome) five years ago, that put me out of work, unable to drive, I was feeling a little sorry for myself and spent three years practicing a sedentary life of excess that added nearly 50 pounds to what had previously been a fairly acceptable size. Then a minor heart attack prompted a rash of exercise (fighting through and around disabling limitations as I was able) and healthy eating that resulted in the loss of more than 50 pounds in four months. I have been able to maintain these habits (and the weight) for the past two years. I was lucky. My disability, though debilitating in many ways, still allowed (as many disabilities do) for a challenging regimen of exercise. From this experience I have (so far) learned the following:

1. Successfully overcoming adversity is very satisfying.
2. Exercising and eating right is enabling, helping to balance the disabling factors that stalk all of us (officially disabled or not) as we age.
3. The better I feel, the better I want to feel; or - satisfaction begets dissatisfaction; or - the greater the number of 'moments of Happiness' the greater the number of 'moments of Unhappiness'.

The majority of us can make a conscious decision to adopt healthy habits regardless of our starting point. I essentially spent 50 years eating and doing (or not doing) what I wanted. Now I am back to full-time work, eating right, and exercising regularly, and though I'm fighting continued and gradually increasing Meniere's symptoms, I have never felt better; and that gives me more frequent 'moments of Happiness' while keeping me grounded in a very 'real' reality.

Perhaps after 50 years of healthy habits, when I turn 100, I'll allow myself to again eat what I want, when I want. I can only hope that KFC is still around.

For the third time in recent weeks, I want to visit this James Baldwin quote: "People who shut their eyes to reality simply invite their own destruction, and anyone who insists on remaining in a state of innocence long after that innocence is dead turns himself into a monster."

In these posts and pages we have consistently emphasized the importance of accounting for 'reality', but I'm not sure we have satisfactorily answered the question - What is Reality? I'm not sure we can satisfactorily answer that question, but I feel pretty certain about the following:

1. My Reality is not the same as your Reality.
2. Reality is Perception which changes with each passing moment.
3. Reality is not a reflection of Truth and Wisdom.
4. Happiness will occasionally find us in the form of Relative Momentary Happiness (RMH) as a result of our search for Truth and Wisdom.
5. Truth and Wisdom are ultimately unattainable constants that we can only hope to get near but will never know with any degree of certainty how close we may be.

From the beliefs as stated above I have come to the conclusion that ...

... (I could say something inconsequentially / predictably clever here like) 'Reality is not real' (or) 'Reality is a lie/illusion/conspiracy', (but I don't believe that. I believe that) ...

Reality is Change. And I interpret what James Baldwin said as 'those who don't adapt and those who actively resist the fact of change, are those who invite their own destruction and take a chance at becoming a monster.' So what does this have to do with our search for Truth and Wisdom, and our desire to experience Happiness? I will attempt to answer this (circuitously) in the paragraphs below.

We tend to like change that we initiate, struggle with change that others initiate, and dislike (sometimes vehemently) change that we disagree with. So typically if we are struggling with or disagreeing with change, emotions come into play which will impede reason and clarity - critical components of Truth-Seeking that should be tempered with a healthy dose of introspective skepticism. Seldom do we gain peace or exude goodness when we are emotional. Even positive emotions (at their best) are simply contagious and while likely harmless they are only helpful for the short-term. Of course numerous short-term periods of positive emotion strung together may seem like one has found the answer to long-term Happiness, but is it True Happiness? Or are we ignoring Reality; (i.e. Change)?

If reality is change, and if we cannot avoid uninvited or disagreeable change, then positive emotion is a false Happiness. To embrace change and inch closer to True Happiness we must first recognize and acknowledge change as self-initiated or uncontrolled/uninvited, and/or disagreeable. If uncontrolled/uninvited we must decide if it is agreeable, during which time we struggle. If we decide any change (self-initiated or uncontrolled/uninvited) is disagreeable, we then have some options. Based on observations of myself (and others) options for reacting to disagreeable change include a) cover it up with positive emotion; b) resist; c) feign indifference or apathy; d) respond with damaging negative emotions such as anger; or e) embrace it honestly and adapt. (I may be missing some, but as stated, these are the options I typically choose from for myself and notice from others.) We are fools (and not in a good way) if we are angered by change, naive if we resist all change, lazy if we act indifferent towards change, and stagnant / ignorant (impeding our chances of learning and growth) if we blithely accept change with (false?) good cheer.

So that leaves option 'e' (embrace change honestly and adapt) which I find very difficult. I believe that is the right answer but I seldom get there without first frolicking through one or (usually) more of the other choices. And when I do finally get there I tend to adapt with reluctance and some lingering hurt; (my embrace is not gentle and loving). I am finding that it helps to anticipate the fact of change without getting hung up on lamenting what the change could have been or should have been, or predicting what the change will be or when it will occur. When I focus simply on the fact that change is inevitable and I do not try to manipulate or control all aspects of the future or the past, I adapt more freely and willingly; but I find this difficult to do consistently.

It is okay to plan and think ahead and we should behave in the present with an eye to the future as discussed in the recent post "Time and Happiness" - but when (not if, but when) things don't turn out as planned, disappointment is a waste of time.

Writing and re-reading this post, it feels somewhat scattered in places, perhaps reflecting my uncertainties and lack of success (not to mention disappointments) in controlling future (and past) realities. We are all faced with choices of how to adapt, often several times in a week or even in a day. I am confident that successfully adapting to change (Reality) with no hard feelings will lead us towards Happiness and help us to avoid our own destruction. But still, I am faced with the challenge of how to practice what I preach.

I don't believe you can just decide to be Happy and it will come about; (keeping in mind that Happiness is intertwined with Truth and Wisdom). I do believe you can decide to be cheerful, and either be cheerful or successfully fake it; and that is okay. In either case (cheerfulness or Happiness) the variables outside of our control that bombard us daily, add a degree of unavoidable unpredictability.

... But that's not what I want to talk about.

When I say 'Decisive Happiness' I am referring to our ability to make decisions and the role this plays in Happiness. Simply put - where one falls on the spectrum of indecisiveness-------decisiveness will vary with each situation, and is to a large extent dependent on how easily you believe you will be able to move past potential regret. In theory, the more important a decision, the more we fear regret, and the more we agonize over the decision. Some though are so afraid to make any kind of mistake (regret) that they seldom make a decision. In reality making no decision is making a decision; but we fool ourselves into thinking that if something goes wrong as a result of our 'no decision' we can blame someone else. If this is familiar we should prompt ourselves to move past this indecision with the reminder that we learn more from our mistakes than from our successes; (I learn a lot every day).

So if procrastination or 'no decision' cannot be used as an excuse, the challenge remains to properly balance the agonizing indecisiveness that comes pre-decision with any regret that may come post-decision. In other words we must weigh potential consequences (the importance of the decision) and appropriately debate, research, and seek Wisdom so if we do make a mistake, regret is minimized and we can more quickly move on. Obviously, the more important a decision, the more care that must be taken; i.e. the more patience we must have with due diligence. We only need to take care that it is an 'active' patience and not procrastination disguised as patience.

... But that's not what I want to talk about; (though I think we're getting close).

Studies show that we (humans) tend to assign more value to present/here and now rewards than we do to future rewards. Additionally we typically deflate future benefits when weighed against present cost. Diet and exercise are perfect examples: we want ice cream today (present) and plan to diet tomorrow (future). Some studies show that future value is generally devalued by half its actual benefit, so if exercise has a present cost of 6 and the future benefits of exercise are in reality valued at 8, we will perceive that future value as a 4; therefore we do not exercise, thinking that the (present) cost is greater than the (future) benefit.

... And that's what I want to talk about.

When we make a decision we must take into account the future and value it properly. Patience as Willpower will lead us to more beneficial decisions, closer to Truth and Wisdom and Happiness. And not just us, but those around us as well. If we are in a position to make decisions that impact others we are obligated to utilize strength, discipline, and patience as willpower to lead by example, thus moving us all towards Happiness. If we are indecisive due to procrastination (or worse - apathy) disguised as patience or due diligence, the results are at best counter-productive and at worst destructive.

Patience as Willpower.

... And that's what I'm talking about!

The Urban Dictionary defines happathy as 'a state of cheerful indifference'. My definition of happathy: to exude cheerfulness by (or while) ignoring or being oblivious to reality. At first glance the two definitions are very similar but I am meaning to differentiate passionate, purposeful apathy ("by ignoring ... reality") from adaptive, temporary apathy ("while ignoring ... reality").

Earlier this week when I first considered writing about the relationship between apathy and happiness (or Happiness) I intended this post to be a scathing condemnation of those who seem to go through life oblivious to reality-based suffering; those who are passionate about their apathy. I remembered the first part of a James Baldwin quote from a previous post where he says, "people who shut their eyes to reality simply invite their own destruction ..." And I hoped to connect the dots from there to why many of us seem to settle for happiness over Happiness (i.e. Truth and Wisdom). But then I realized that I also practice happathy; though I would like to think that my happathy is of the adaptive, temporary variety. I believe anyone who interacts at any level with other people in public or in the workplace practices happathy of one form or another, and to varying degrees. It is an unavoidable nicety that some think necessary (though I might argue) to jump-start more meaningful communications and relationships. So if this clever phraseology has turned upon me, who am I to judge?

I don't know how many of the seemingly 'happy' people I run across each day actually go home and act towards inner peace and exoteric goodness adding to their Truth and Wisdom, but I suspect there are more than I suspect as I am going through my day. I also don't know how many go out and drown sorrows in more sorrows; or how many go somewhere (or nowhere) and contemplate loneliness or illness or worse. Again, who am I to judge?

Despite this insight (which should have probably been more obvious) I still maintain that we should not go through life on cruise control. (Qualifying everything below with everything above) I see a lack of concern; a lack of compassion; a lack of interest; a lack of passion. Perhaps some people compartmentalize, but I maintain we should show more of these 'lacking' characteristics every opportunity we have. Yes, we act differently (and should) around strangers than around acquaintances, and around friends than around close friends and family. Yet we should still exhibit behaviors in all facets of Life that are consistent with our quest for True Happiness.

So the adaptive, temporary kind of happathy is okay. It helps us get through our days and while (likely) not a major contributor to Happiness, if used in moderation for short periods of time, and balanced between reality and our Search ... it's okay.