hopelesshappiness.com

I have nothing this week. Which, if you've been paying attention, means that I have something. I just need to find it.

I've been distracted this week by 200+ chigger bites obtained on a picnic in a state park. I strayed from the beaten path and (this time) I paid the price. Next time, I will likely stray from the beaten path once again. This week sleep has been scarce, as has reflective thinking.

I could point out how pain and adversity are necessary for learning and growth, but if someone would have made that point with me earlier this week, we would have fought. I could use it as an object lesson for not straying from the beaten path, but to me 'beaten' implies conformity and even in the midst of this week's epsom salts extravaganza I would argue that each of us should blaze our own trails with thoughtful skepticism and disciplined perseverance. These thoughts have been expressed before.

Scratching an itch (or 200 as the case may be) is a temporary fix; and sometimes angers the affliction. But it also expresses one's humanity. We are physical beings in a physical world and regardless of effort there are times when that physicality overrides (or overwhelms) transcendental consideration. I am on the mend, but I do appreciate the reminder.

There is no such thing as this world. In the moment that I think of this world, it has changed. And in each moment and with each thought it changes again, into something new and different and potentially wondrous. In effect, this world is made up of the intangible; that being our hopes, our dreams, and our never-ending quest for Truth, Wisdom, and Happiness. It is not possible to grasp a reality of this world; once you think you have it, it has slipped through your fingers. So can we claim no reality? Can we live with no reality? It would appear delusional to maintain that hopes, dreams, or impossible perfections are real. But I can make a case that they are fluid, changing and growing as we do. And I just made the case that reality (as it is commonly and perhaps mistakenly defined) is fluid, changing with each new moment and with each new thought. So if it is delusional to claim dreams and reality as synonymous, perhaps we can at least recognize the sympatico between the two.

I would like to backtrack for a moment and qualify... I am coming at reality from an angle of individual perspective. I know reality can be defined (by some, and probably by most) as things that exist independently of thoughts or ideas concerning them, but for this discussion I am focusing exclusively on thoughts and ideas, and though thoughts and ideas cannot exist independently of thoughts and ideas, we would like to think they can exist independently of others' thoughts and ideas. So in this vein, perhaps we can define reality as 'an illusion of personal control' - and this appears to be required. Even if we are fooling ourselves, we need this sense of something solid to grasp. I am suggesting that perhaps by acknowledging the fluid, slippery nature of reality (as we think we know it) we can turn to hopes, dreams, and perfections as more solid hand holds to help us in our learning and growth. With these hand holds it seems we do at least have some control in their formation, whereas (I believe) the reality of this world dictates that we just grab on to something and hold on tight. And though we may have entwined personal hopes, dreams, and pursuits of perfection within that something that we agree with, or that we think we agree with, it is still an illusion of control. That something may be a job, or a system of belief (politics) or faith (religion), or it could be a family, or a significant other, or a combination of these or other things of this world; or in some cases we are just barely holding onto ourselves. But in all these cases, to varying degrees, and regardless of our personal contribution, the reality of this world is that we (as individuals) have limited control. The good news is that the more we doubt, and the more we question, the greater the potential for control.

I believe in worldly attachments. I am not advocating an exodus from this world's reality. I have (in previous posts) championed the practice of exoteric goodness as a potential bridge from the reality of this world to a transcendental reality. I believe our hopes, dreams, and pursuit of perfections should be active and contributory in this world. At the same time we need to recognize that for every bit of goodness we leave behind - In This World - there is an opposing potential to negate that goodness. That is not to say we should not practice exoteric goodness; it is only to say that we should also practice restraint; and to effectively hold opposing forces at bay, we must have had some say (control) in the thoughtful formation of our individual reality; (i.e. our personal hopes, dreams, and pursued perfections). This world does not offer any one of us the solidity each one of us can offer ourselves. If one chooses (only) the ways of this world, one should hold on tight...

One's hopes, dreams, and pursuit of perfections will add substance to one's reality; momentary as it may be...

Yesterday's dreams are Today's realities...

One morning this week I awoke to a loud buzzing. Before I opened my eyes it was almost as if I could feel the syncopated vibration of thousands of tiny wings inside my head. A second before I opened my eyes I somehow knew I was not in my bed. When I opened my eyes I found myself in a forest clearing about the size of a football field, rounded wider at one end. I was on my back with a cool, mossy stone for a pillow, and hovering inches away, above me, was the most beautiful flower I have ever seen. As I focused, I reaized it was a swarm of bees; brightly colored in the traditional yellow and black, but also in varying shades and intensities of red, purple, blue, white, orange, and green. The blacks and whites were predominant toward the center and the colors extended outward, with those more pale and muted nearer to the center, and the most vibrant and intense around the edges. I was not afraid as I reached up and through the swarm creating a funnel effect extending upwards around my arm. Not a single bee landed or even so much as brushed my arm with the tip of a wing. When I removed my arm, the bees resettled and the flower reformed. I experimented with this movement, at varying speeds and with everything from a single finger to a quick leg kick. Each time it was the same. I could feel their harmony and their communal nature.

I stood and the swarm shifted to a few inches in front of me, just below my chest. Looking down at this angle I noticed that the swarm had no depth. It was a perfect single layer, seemingly with each bee equidistant from each surrounding bee. I turned my back and with the swarm behind me, took several quick steps backward. As best as I could tell, it moved with me and remained the same few inches behind me; and I am confident that it retained it's perfect shape and form. Almost without thinking I stood rigid and fell backward into the swarm, somehow knowing what would happen. As I fell (it seemed in slow motion) the swarm repositioned and gently caught me. Now holding me aloft, we stayed in this position for several moments and then gently began to move. We were slow and steady at first and just a couple of feet off the ground, but then we gained both velocity and altitude. It was exhilarating and peaceful at the same time. I'm not sure I was even breathing, but I'm also not sure I needed to. It was as if the swarm and I were breathing as one.

As they carried me throughout the day, (at times over the treetops and at times hovering on the tops of meadow-seas of flowers) they did not seem to tire and I never doubted their ability to keep me safe and comfortable. I remember thinking more than once that the day seemed to stretch infinitely before me, but looking back it seems to have went by quickly; too quickly.

Near dusk we returned to the clearing where we began. I understood an expectant sense from the swarm and (though reluctant to do so) I prepared myself to be returned to my worldly dreams. Moments later the swarm tilted, depositing me feet first in my meadow. I took a seat next to last night's pillow. The swarm hovered for a moment directly above my head and then gently lowered itself to my shoulders, parting as it lowered, to where I could feel the tickle of thousands of tiny wings on my head, face, and neck. Then, those bees directly above my shoulders landed and were (for the first time) still. They stayed that way for a few moments, lifted themselves to rejoin the swarm, then the whole rotated and more bees landed. It was a choreographic wonder. This continued until (I assume) all the bees had their rest. Or perhaps they were saying good-bye. Or perhaps they were communicating another message.

As they lifted away, again brushing me with their wings, I laid my head back on the cool, mossy stone, and as I watched them gain altitude and move away, I found sleep. When I woke again I was in my bed, and again, I was dreaming sad and wondrous dreams of this world.

I believe that the wonder and beauty of this day will influence many days and dreams to come. I believe I will hear the thrumming syncopation of thousands of tiny wings for many days and dreams to come. Some may say the flower-swarm of bees is the dream. I am not so sure ...

This week I have been thinking about the good guys and the bad guys. Are you one of the good guys? Who are the bad guys? Would they say they're the good guys? Does that make you one of the bad guys?

This week I have been thinking about drivers and pedestrians. A right-hand-turning, left-hand-looking, cell-phone-talking (or otherwise oblivious) driver-at-a-stop-sign endangers and disrespects any pedestrian walking from the driver's right. Is this lack of necessary notice because drivers think of a pedestrian as a commonplace, dreary, flat, plodding, uninteresting nuisance? As a frequent walker, I too often feel looked upon as one of the walking dead; I hope not to be, but each day in this country there are approximately 100 traffic fatalities, and of those 12 to 13 are pedestrians. Both numbers are too high, but the pedestrian percentage seems unreasonably inordinate.

This week I have been thinking about umpires and baseball. Can an umpire make a bad call? Or is it a good call because it becomes fact, thus making it as it should be? (I am reminded of the umpire that responded to an arguing player, 'if you don't think you're out, read the morning paper.') Is the umpire a good guy (for doing a difficult job and maintaining order), or is he a bad guy (for not being perfect)? Is the fact that he will make mistakes a reason to not strive for perfection? Attend a Major League Baseball game and you will see firsthand that the expectation is perfection. Umpires often say that theirs is the only profession where you have to be perfect when you start and then improve from there. If only we could all live by this maxim ...

This week I have been thinking about mass media and the general public. Does the media convey information or tell stories? What is the difference between investigative journalism and creative hype? Has a 'slant' become unavoidable? Is a 'slant' necessary? Is the general public gullible, choosing a perspective and ignoring opposing viewpoints? Are traditional news outlets outdated? With technology, is there an overabundance of available information? Or is an excess of varying perspectives good? In terms of paid professionals, is anyone reporting the facts? Are the terms 'reporter' and 'reporting' too generous? Is it better than nothing?

This week I have been thinking about winter and summer. Summer is hot. Winter is cold. Summer has heat. Winter has snow and ice. Summer has long-light. Winter has early-dark. Summer has baseball. Winter has football. Summer follows winter. Winter follows summer.

This week I have been thinking about sales and shopping. Do we ever shop anywhere, anymore where everything is at regular price? And why do I feel like I need an attorney to decipher the exclusions and exceptions always found in fine print at the bottom of the sales circular? And why do I feel like I need a mathematics professor to calculate the best combination of mix and match, not good with any other offer dollar / percentage / points / rewards / cashback / past / present / future savings? And how are all the retailers able to have nearly identical sales on the same days? With nearly identical exclusions and exceptions? And based on these daily fluctuations, how can one accurately determine the monetary value of their purchase? Is the value of that steamer I bought 10 days ago at $49.99 worth $49.99, $74.99 (last week), $44.99 (this past weekend), or $39.99 (yesterday)? And who is responsible for these sales shenanigans? Is it the retailer? Or the shopper? And finally, what is the value of an unnecessary, under-appreciated, or seldom used bargain?

This week I have been thinking about 'Camp Dog' and "Slap ya Mama". Both are Cajun seasonings. One is a little smoky. The other is a little sharp. One has subtle layers. The other has distinctive layers. One is better on grilled foods. The other is better in gumbo. I prefer one. My wife prefers the other.

This week I have been thinking about winning and losing. Is it okay to win at any cost? Is it okay to use advantages that others may not have, in order to win? Is it okay even if those advantages were attained unfairly? Is it important to win? How do you know that you've won? How do you know that you've lost? When we concern ouselves with winning and losing, does that make the matter-at-hand a game? Are the people involved players? What is the difference between friendly or respectful competition and adversarial or cutthroat combat? Does there have to be a winner and/or a loser? Is it possible for everyone to win? Is it possible for no one to win? How important is winning to you?

This week I have been thinking about rules and rule-makers. Do we have enough rules yet? When will we have enough rules? When will we have had enough of rules? Are rules made to be broken? Is anarchy workable? Why must bureaucracies make rules to close loopholes that will only impact one-tenth of one-percent of their bottom-line when the damage incurred by pissing off the other 99.9 percent will be greater? Do rule-makers (or enforcers) always follow their own rules? Are bureaucratic rule-makers trained in soullessness? Or is it an innate attribute? And what about those who find themselves in a position of making, enforcing, and/or interpreting rules? (Becoming a parent is one example.) Can justice be doled out justly? Or will someone always have an advantage?

This week I have been thinking about legs and breasts. Legs are juicy and tender. Breasts can be juicy and tender. Legs are 3 bites and 2 nibbles. Breasts are abundant and generous. Legs take one hand. Breasts take both hands. Legs are better hot. Breasts are (surprisingly) good cold. I prefer legs peppered, breaded, and fried. I prefer breasts marinated, grilled, and smoky.

This week I have been thinking about energetic bustle and quiet calm. When I visit a coffee shop, sometimes I prefer the high-energy clattering, cluttering, chattering busyness of long lines, lots of people, and straight-backed chairs. Sometimes I prefer the peaceful, thought-inducing quiescence of slow jazz, hushed conversation, and a soft, comfy chair. When I visit my inner self, sometimes I prefer the shattering, shuttering, smattering fruition of confusion, disorder, and turmoil. Sometimes I prefer the epiphanous, in-the-moment enlightenment of beauty, truth, and timelessness.

This week I have been thinking ...

We are all on the outside looking in. We work each day at acquiring the shelter and security inherently promised by moving in. Our humanity dictates this need for a sense of belonging, but even when we manage it, we often find that a sense of longing remains. Some may claim satisfaction with their place and affiliations, but (in my mind) that deceptive comfort is actually complacency that leads to missed opportunities; a sense of longing should remain. Whether it is a group or an individual longingly looking in to the circle of another group or another individual, or an individual longingly searching within him or herself for an insightful glimpse into his or her own esoteric nature, we are all, in some sense, to varying degrees, and in varying circumstances, standing on the outside looking in. This is as it should be.

When one is on the inside, it is an indication of the true nature of belonging that on occasion another (on the outside) accuses you of 'being one of them'. Whether delivered good-naturedly or vindictively, this accusation causes discomfort and uncertainty, (along with some defensiveness). And it is also an indication of the true nature and necessity of opposites to find that we simultaneously need to belong and need to be unique, thus creating conflict and tension. Again, this is as it should be.

This dichotomy may assist in understanding why isolation is often painful. When we belong - when we are a part of like-minded thinking - we feel strong and certain. When alone, it is more difficult to maintain certainty, and nearly impossible to attain a consensus. Alone, one must stretch by adding complexity and depth to a more thoughtful analysis. With no agreement or consensus one must (should) more closely examine motives, resulting behaviors, and potential consequences. This is also as it should be.

I believe I am arguing against the often easier groupthink consensus and for a thoughtful interdependent independence. I have made the beginnings of a case (above) for independence, but how can independence (free from the control or influence of others) be interdependent (mutually dependent, with synergy)? The key is mutual synergy - each individual must contribute in order to make the whole greater than the sum of its parts. And maximal synergy is not possible without individual openness to change, which in turn is not possible without uncertainty and the desire to question everything; including oneself.

In previous posts I have maintained that certainty is the antithesis of true personal faith. Certainty also dampens and at times snuffs out independent thought and/or the sharing of independent thought. Before we (humanity as a whole) can attain any semblance of synergy or a shared consciousness, we (humanity as a collection of individuals) must learn to cultivate and harvest independent thought.

The challenge does not so much lie in the empowerment of individual thinkers as it does in the dis-empowerment of hardcore political bosses. In recent years we have consistently moved toward individual empowerment through more widespread organizational initiatives, and through the use of technology. The challenge is that hardcore political bosses do not believe in individual empowerment or they are just going through the motions of empowering others, and are unwilling to relinquish their power and control mistakenly thought to be deserved and earned by superior skills and/or knowledge; (I should qualify by saying that some individuals are gifted and deserving of some decision-making power, but this too often leads to an 'I know best - I am indispensable - your input is unnecessary' mindset, and as discussed in recent posts no one individual is any more or any less necessary than any other one individual).

I am not sure of an answer for this power/control dilemma in the business world as it is unlikely that dissidence will overthrow those who sign the paychecks, and more likely that the dissident(s) will soon be without that paycheck. In the realm of elected officials though, perhaps a message that re-election is unlikely may (at the least) ease the stranglehold, allowing enough breath to voice independent thought. I go back to thoughts in this previous post including the encouragement to teach young people how to think instead of what to think, and the movement away from narcissistic entitlement and toward simplified reason and logic; and with these considerations, perhaps in two or three generations we will be closer to a true interdependent independence.

Simply put, compassion, empathic listening, respect for independent thought, and the realization that each one of us is equally significant and necessary will ultimately bring us closer to a universally shared and synergistic consciousness, which in turn will inspire individual exoteric goodness and intensify one's inner peace.