hopelesshappiness.com

The apparatus that defines me is typically not of my choosing; even when it is. I believe this to be true of each of us. Those who believe they have created or are creating, controlling, defining, or leading an apparatus are not choosing its ultimate incarnation because there is no ultimate incarnation; there are simply too many, never-ending variables.

I cannot conceive of a single, indivisible apparatus that is not impacted by and conjoined with an ever-changing multitude of other hierarchies, networks, systems, and miscellaneous mechanisms all filled with cogs, gears, pumps, wheels, clockworks, sprockets, fittings, trappings, and various instruments of entanglement. And it is these complexities that allow an apparatus to take on meaning, influence, qualities, and characteristics beyond those originally intended. Within any multi-faceted apparatus, individual control is an illusion. Welcome to contemporary quantum acculturation.

One may choose to see this social milieu in its empirical (particle) form, or in its transcendental (wave) form, or one may choose to utilize both perspectives, though one or the other will predominate in any given moment.

Given a circumstance, one may choose to tint their outlook with reflective aviator glasses (an esoteric spirituality), dark shades (an experiential reality), or rose-colored goggles (an exoteric stability). I typically have on my dark shades, though I understand how some may see me in (and perhaps through) rose-colored goggles. In moments of solitude, (and every chance I have), I reach for my reflective aviator glasses.

This concept of unavoidable interdependence may be most easily explained by applying it to an individual human being. We like to think of our self as an independent, autonomous, intrinsically absolute being, yet we also divide our self into a physical body and a thinking mind. We then go on to add an emotional and a spiritual component, and within each of these we can further divide into ever smaller components with each one having some impact. For example the body has a heart, lungs, a spine, nerves, bones, skin, blood, etc, etc, etc. If one has a heart attack, this faulty pump changes not only the physical component and outlook, but also impacts the mind, the emotions, and potentially one's spiritual outlook. If I were truly an independent, autonomous, intrinsically absolute being, my immutable nature would prohibit the pump failure, the resulting grinding and gnashing of gears, cogs, and wheels, and the ultimate wrenching, driving, clanging cacophony of repair work. I am not self-enclosed and unchanging. I am a multi-faceted apparatus, and as such, when I am joined with other multi-faceted individual beings into a larger conglomerate apparatus, individual control is an illusion.

In multiple posts I have advocated for free will, with my most recent concept or definition being "the conscious output of work / effort that can be quantified and has impact." Using this definition, the concept of free will appears to easily align with the concept of unavoidable interdependence, with the key commonality being 'impact' - (our choices have impact). But upon further consideration I now better understand opponents of free will. We have to ask - How can a conglomerate of ever-changing components (with each component made up of smaller, ever-changing components) possibly claim an absolute, unadulterated accord across the entirety of its constituency? Even with the narrow definition of 'conscious, quantifiable effort that impacts', free will has lost some teeth. This does not negate or even diminish the importance of choice and from an empirical (dark shades particle) perspective free will as conscious choice is still a valid consideration that stands up to scrutiny. But now that we have followed the flow from conscious output to impact, it appears that no matter the make-up of the apparatus (individual being, global quantum culture, or points between and beyond), from a transcendental (reflective wave) perspective there is no free will because there is no indivisible, intrinsically absolute apparatus. As an individual human being I am constantly driven forward by a combination of my choices, the choices of other individual human beings, and numerous other factors that 'in the moment' are beyond my control; and because I cannot change the past or predict/control the future, this is more consistent with the illusory nature of individual control as described in the concept of unavoidable interdependence.

But this is not what I want to focus on.

I want to look at the backflow or rebound once an apparatus has been impacted:

• When impacted, if an apparatus (individual being or otherwise) reacts as if it is an intrinsically absolute entity, Pride Rules! (See the June 7 post and then the June 14 post.)
• When impacted, if an apparatus (individual being or otherwise) responds as if it is an integral part of a greater (indefinite, perhaps infinite) whole, Compassion presides.

So this prompts me to ask how do I (or am I even able to) function within this framework of a greater whole that excludes a concept of 'me'? If we indeed only exist within the framework of an apparatus (individual being or otherwise), then in order to function I think I must give special consideration to the apparatus formerly known as 'Me'. But in so doing Pride has reared its ugly head because simply saying "formerly known as me" makes me feel like a Rock Star, and the 'special consideration' does not feel compassionate. But is it avoidable.

I need a day...

So if I pursue the goal of responding as if I am an integral part of a much greater whole, yet the nature of my humanity encourages me to react as an intrinsically absolute entity, Compassion and Pride will clash. I cannot lose my humanity. Pride will subsist; but I do believe that through Awareness and Practice I can reduce Pride's subsistence to poverty levels.

In the last two posts (June 7 and June 14) I have considered the kinship between Active Humility and Compassion. I also questioned how one can have Compassion for another whose Pride manifests in ways that negatively impact others. This week I realize I have no choice; (the real question is 'How can I not have Compassion'?). If I speak of 'one' and 'another' or 'me' and 'you' or 'us' and 'them' I am perpetuating belief in the existence of intrinsically absolute entities and furthering the tyranny of Pride. Since an intrinsically absolute entity is not possible, I have no choice but to perceive the Pride of another apparatus (individual being or otherwise) as belonging in part to (the apparatus formerly known as) me; just as I have no choice but to literally feel the pain of a loved one who is suffering. And if this apparatus formerly known as me actively accepts that responsibility, the result will be compassion.

My Humanity is rebelling. In fact it is screaming at the top of its lungs, and though I won't repeat much of what it is saying, the gist is that "Even if you are on the right track, you will remain a minority!" and "You must stand up for yourself!" And I know there will be moments and possibly even days when I agree; but with continued awareness and practice I believe I will more and more consistently respond as if this apparatus formerly known as me is an integral part of a much greater whole.

Last week I encouraged an active humility defined as confident uncertainty, and further typified by one who a) knows what and when they don't know, b) readily acknowledges how little they do know, c) is truthful with oneself and with others, and d) works at seeking possible answers. I later claimed it was an important post for me in that it exposed the insubstantiality of my arrogance, which is a primary ascendant of my anger, which in turn is one of my favorite forms of expression. For many, many years I have masq-paraded anger as 'Passion' and believed it to be justified based on perceived results; and (as I said last week) I have masq-paraded specious arrogance and/or self-deprecating insignificance or inadequacy as humility, and delusionally believed myself to be truly humble. Now I am suggesting that anger is not productive and false humility is not truthful - no matter the embroidery.

...I may never write again.

Seriously, with these thoughts I am wondering how I will fuel my fire? Where will I find inspiration? The hyper-conscious act of writing will force me to be consistent with the direction of my beliefs. My anger will continue to speak to me, but if I am sincere about adding active humility to my personal disposition I am now compelled to find an alternative to my normal tirades. I must work at responding (not reacting) to all the (large and small) detritus of Life with humility, and inherent in this new practice of confident uncertainty is an expectation only of myself - I can no longer demand of others. I cannot demand an end to Ignorance, Fear of Failure, Quiescence, Conformity, Arrogance, Indifference, Enmity, Narcissism, or Contempt. I cannot even demand an active humility from others. I am sure that my humanity will dictate some continued effort to persuade (as I just did), but it appears the most influential weapon left in my arsenal is compassion. This new math (Humility - Arrogance = Compassion) is disturbing, but regardless of how I manipulate the equation, the result does not change.

I am not merely disturbed, but very uncertain and a bit frightened. How am I going to have compassion for the Ignorance of the bureaucrat? Or the Arrogance and Indifference of the CEO? Or the Conformity and Quiescence of the masses? Or the unforgiving Enmity and Contempt flowing from 'Them'?

I need a day to think... ...And maybe a beer...

...No beer last night... ...but plenty of thought.

When we talk about Pride or Arrogance we are talking about the essence of one's humanity, or that which makes me, me. Even in its gentlest incarnation any recognition of 'Me' is based on a selfish Pride. This is unavoidable, and (perhaps because it is unavoidable) this is okay. But if we strip away that Arrogance even momentarily, we can connect with an ineffable sense of 'We' and it is here that we are able to intuit compassion as the fundamental affective force capable of moving us forward. When we are in the midst of Life though, it is difficult to lose the Arrogance of 'Me' inherent in the experience.

I have found that in some circumstances I can detect this sense of 'We' for more than just a moment. Ironically, this occurs most commonly when I am alone; listening to music, or walking, or cooking, or (occasionally) practicing mindfulness techniques. I say techniques because I am not an habitual adherent of meditation - (see the subtext below: My Mechanics of Mindfulness); but a common thread through all of these solitary endeavors (and supported by my written thought throughout this site) is being 'in the moment'. In two different posts (here and here) from April of this year I considered meditation as a potential aid to Happiness. And now this week I am considering Compassion as an alternative to passion... (sorry - I meant anger) ...which again brings me into the realm of meditation and mindfulness.

As a realist concerned about keeping my edge, finding inspiration, and fueling my fire, I can attest that Pride / Arrogance (in my case, Anger) has a destructive component that must be held in check; and this is how mindfulness has helped me in recent years. Additionally it is this mindfulness that has led me to recognize and identify this 'sense of We' and its accompanying quilt of Compassion. So, though it does not change the result of the equation, perhaps it is better written as (Pride / Active Humility) + Mindfulness = Compassion.

I should not punish myself or others for being Human. Instead I should (in the moment) cut my Pride with a healthy dose of Confident Uncertainty and blanket the circumstance with Compassion. As always this is far easier said than done, but I am sure the mere fact that I have verbalized my intent has reduced the anxiety and decreased the trembling fear of the bureaucrat, the CEO, the masses, and 'Them'.

My Mechanics of Mindfulness:

Having learned from the past, I live in the moment, for the future. This reminder has been the cornerstone of my mindfulness practice for some years now. It sounds like I am dragging in extraneous consideration (the past and the future) and perhaps at the beginning I was. But, (without getting too mystical or magical), this mantra now serves to bring me back to the moment when necessary, by simply reminding me that I am drawing in my Life experience (breathe in) to progressively move forward (breathe out). Unless one is cloistered, there is no way one can stay in the moment full time, and there is no magical formula or method or mantra to keep one in the moment; we will stray because Life happens.

I have read that meditation has become more and more mainstream in recent years with organizations as diverse as General Mills, Proctor and Gamble, the U.S. Forest Service, schools, prisons, and the United States Marine Corps utilizing mindfulness to channel stress and increase effectiveness. Additionally studies are showing that health benefits include restorative improvement in depression, drug addiction, smoking cessation, ADHD, asthma, irritable bowel syndrome, and many other disorders.

The basic steps of meditation are (1) to sit comfortably, (2) to focus all of your attention on your breath, and (3) when your attention wanders (which it will) forgive yourself and peacefully come back to your breath. For the uninitiated (which includes myself) it sounds very unproductive; yet based on my mindfulness practice, which is typically not planned but utilized in the heat of a moment or in the tranquility of a moment, I have learned to bring myself back to the moment, and I have learned it is much more effective than getting caught up in (and swept away with) the moment.

So in many ways I suppose I do practice meditation, just not in the traditional sense. As I am becoming more and more aware, I definitely feel the advantages of exercising the mind in this manner.

Having learned from the past (breathe in), I live in the moment (hold), for the future (breathe out).

...The Past (in) - The Moment (hold) - The Future (out)...

...The Past (in) - The Moment (hold) - The Future (out)...

...The Past (in) - The Moment (hold) - The Future (out)...

I have come to think of active humility as confident uncertainty - One must know when and what they don't know, acknowledge how little they do know, be truthful with oneself and with others, and seek possible answers. As frequently stated, I don't believe we will find an ultimate Truth, but I do believe we can search and move in that direction.

I originally started this post by asking - How does one verbally encourage humility without sounding self-righteous, bitter, divisive, or full of crap? But after puzzling over this question for a day or so, I realize that I have been confusing humility with an arrogant speciousness masquerading as humility - (of which I am guilty); and also with simple feelings of insignificance or inadequacy - (which is not humility, but an enervating ambiguity). With this (seemingly small but critically significant) epiphany, I now feel we can verbally encourage humility by explaining the value of confident uncertainty (learning, growth, trust, respect, progress, truthfulness, Happiness...) as opposed to my normal method of encouraging humility by excoriating Pride (the mother of all sin) and its direct descendants (Ignorance, Fear of Failure, Quiescence, Conformity, Arrogance, Indifference, the Enmity of Us and Them, Narcissism, and Contempt). While our nature may at times dictate a spirited or vengeful denunciation in the course of one's search for Truth, Wisdom, and Happiness, any criticism (constructive or otherwise) can also come across as sounding self-righteous, bitter, divisive, and/or full of crap.

Recently I was at a graduation party and a notebook was passed around where we were asked to write a question for the new graduate. In my arrogant speciousness I wrote "Humility or Confidence?" This question at its best is incomplete, and at its worst is misleading. Humility and Confidence are not opposites. The opposite of Humility is Arrogance and the opposite of Confidence is Uncertainty. And of course any of these four qualities could just be a veiled pretense put on to cover one's birthmarks and scars. As the question was presented ("Humility or Confidence?") one is persuaded to equate Confidence with Arrogance. A better question would have been to ask for a definition of Humility and/or to explain its relationship to (or with) Confidence.

If I were of a cynical nature, at this point I might concede the logic of valuing sincere Humility, but I might also ask - How can one be certain of another's sincerity? I might ask this because... A) Some people are quite good at arrogant speciousness, and B) Some people are sincere but delusional; and if we are going with a working definition of Humility as 'Confident Uncertainty' even the tiniest delusional crumb invalidates the probity of one's sincerity and thereby erodes trust. And this opens up another avenue of questioning and that is How do we determine what is and is not delusional thought? A simple majority will too likely be a vocal majority, and empirical determination would likely leave out meaningful ethical, emotional, and transcendental considerations. Delusional determinations would come down to (and actually have come down to) arguments amongst individuals over gaps and unknowns and systems of belief all of which are unprovable. Many individuals simply avoid discussion or argument by seeking the ease and comfort of other like-minded thinkers and/or inspirational dogma. But as I said, I would only question one's sincerity if I were inclined toward cynicism.

So, if we acknowledge the value of confident uncertainty, and if we acknowledge that every one of us is in some way(s) delusional, then there is only one person that I can potentially trust to practice Sincere Confident Uncertainty. Which also means that there is only one person who can keep me from that practice; which I know on occasion will occur.

It seems I have put forth considerable thought and effort to figure something out that I could have read by searching 'Humility' in any number of 'famous quote' web sites. But that would be a little like the difference between a big pot of Gumbo simmering all day on my stovetop, and a fast food burger grabbed in a drive thru and digested on the road.

This has been an important post for me. These words, this thought, this effort has made manifest a process that I believe will help me to advance on Truth, Wisdom, and Happiness; a process that in many ways (at least for the moment) has turned my arrogance on its head, exposing its insubstantiality formerly hidden beneath its kilt.

...A kilt that made a statement.

...A kilt that was beautifully impressive.

...A kilt of flimsy synthetics.

It is difficult to reconcile my humanity with my desire for perfection. I so badly want to be all things to all people, yet I invariably - consistently - let someone down. This disappointment then reverberates like seismic aftershocks varying in intensity and frequency, depending on the epicenter. And as in an actual earthquake the closer the epicenter is to home, the greater the intensity and frequency (as dictated by the original quake's strength). Yet to complicate matters (and to mix metaphors) times when I disappoint myself (which is as close to home as I can get) the original quake often seems calm like the eye of a hurricane, but I know to expect more intense aftershocks. I'd like to explore further. I'd like to understand.

I believe disappointment in oneself, to a point, contributes to learning and growth. Beyond a certain point it can morph into debilitating regret. I have a tendency to beat myself up pretty good in the immediate aftermath of personal mistakes, but as the years (and decades) have passed I have also learned to recognize that point where the beating must stop. The self-inflicted beatings though can be rekindled by others who may continue to beat on me verbally or emotionally. Regardless, I have always said and firmly believe that no one is any tougher on me than me. Yet if I decide it is time to move on (by objectively seeing my mistake as a lesson), but others continue to beat me up, I still wonder if (since it is happening) I don't somehow deserve it. This works on my confidence and (as previously stated) breathes new life into my self-inflicted beatings; and if this cycle continues it can lead to the aforementioned debilitating regret and/or shameful powerlessness.

This process can be seen most easily in bureaucratic settings such as the workplace where one's personnel file may be filled with warnings that in some (perhaps most) cases are simply a tool utilized to control and subjugate. The same can be said for other bureaucratic processes (essentially any that involve market currencies and/or an 'us and them') such as our systems of justice, finance, and government aid. Most of us, in varying ways and degrees, are slaves to some system; and by being so we often find it difficult-to-impossible to throw off the shackles and regain any confidence and/or power.

"You are bad because you were 10 minutes late. You're in the system now and I won't let you forget."

"You are bad because you were loitering on the sidewalk, blocking pedestrian traffic at 1am in a bad neighborhood. You're in the system now and I won't let you forget."

"You are bad because you were one day late paying your credit card bill. I have charged you a $25 late fee and you're in the system now and I won't let you forget."

"You are bad because you are a single welfare Mom who can't afford day care in order to be a productive member of society making minimum wage flipping burgers or cleaning toilets. We will help you, but we are also going to watch you very, very closely. You're in the system now and I won't let you forget."

"You are bad because you were born to a single welfare Mom. We will help you, but we are also going to watch you very, very closely. You're in the system now and I won't let you forget."

No matter where you turn, there are beatings.

Some beatings are adjudged to be deserved:

"You are bad because you robbed a convenience store at gunpoint. You're lost in the system now and I will forget you."

Some beatings are not administered:

"You are bad because you committed fraud, but considering the cost and potential consequences of a beating, you may buy me off and if you promise not to do it again I will forget it ever happened."

And some beatings - particularly those administered by a system - go on far too long:

"You are human and you made a mistake. I will never let you forget."

My original response to this final accusation - "Who am I to say? Perhaps I do deserve the beatings..." But I (almost) immediately saw the 'in-the-moment' emotion and self-pity, so instead here is what I have to say - "PbbbthbbptthbbbpthPbbbt!"

I am human; and it is my humanity that not only allows me to make mistakes, but also allows me to move past them. I may not forget; especially when it hits close to home; most especially when I am disappointed in me. But I can decide when it is time to stop the beatings. The system cannot do that because the system is inhuman; and it is sad to note that this has apparently given many humans permission to follow suit. Some of us then blame it on the system and some glory in the power and control.

But back to my original objective - To better understand disappointment so I may harden or soften myself accordingly. Four weeks ago I made 11 seditious suggestions encouraging individual, independent action in an attempt to reduce / eliminate our herd mentality and enlarge / strengthen one's individual humanity. There is a parallel. As in the previous post where I encouraged knowing the difference between market currencies and human currencies, here we need to learn the difference between (1) systematized, bureaucratic beatings that by their nature cannot end, and (2) emotionally-driven, human beatings that by their nature are (at the beginning) exaggerated and gradually (sometimes rapidly) subside, allowing for learning and resurgent respect. We need to know the difference between human and inhuman.

I must harden myself when I am on the receiving end of a beating and reach within to know when its impact has become counterproductive.

I must soften myself when I administer beatings to others in order to see when the impact has become counterproductive. If I am administering a beating in the name of a system, I must soften myself in the same manner and ensure that the recipient sees the difference between our humanity and the inhumanity inherent in the system.

I must simultaneously harden and soften myself when administering self-inflicted beatings to maximize learning and minimize harm.

It can be so hard to move on when every direction you turn there is someone lurking in the shadows with a big stick. It overwhelms. Ultimately, when faced with this reality, our choices are very limited; but I believe the best choice is to harden myself, take my beatings, and keep moving forward in the active hope - (an active hope that must include work, human interaction, learning, growth, and exoteric goodness) - that I will be shown to a sunny place with fewer shadows.

This week I have been discouraged... and angry; largely due to the supercilious separation between us and them.

Observations:

Us - Are Us.
Them - are them.

Us - Look alike.
Them - look different.

Us - Act alike.
Them - act different.

Us - Think alike.
Them - think different.

Us - Believe the same.
Them - believe different.

Us - Know the Truth.
Them - are wrong.

Us - Agree.
Them - don't agree with Us.

This all seems rather simplistic, but it remains at the crux of numerous disagreements and misunderstandings, and creates unnecessary and baseless contempt and hostility.

It is interesting that human nature dictates a fear of that which is different or unknown (thus creating an us and a them), yet to survive we feel we must find some spirit of cooperation. So we handle both instincts (fear and survival) by dividing the world into an us and a them. And by doing so, we miss out on so much.

Two contrasting examples:

1. Nine years ago, I went through Hurricane Katrina. In the immediate aftermath the intense spirit of cooperation was more meaningful and effective than any I have ever experienced. There was no 'us and them'. After about a week though (in some contexts, just 3 or 4 days), once the multi-tentacled government had taken charge, implementing heavy-handed bureaucracy and in some areas a military police-state, we returned to our familiar roles of us and/or them.
2. This week while walking home from work I observed a car (in the left hand turn lane at a stop light) pulled in front of the broad white line and the pad that triggers the light to change. As I was approaching the intersection I watched the light cycle twice, but with no one behind her, the woman in the car kept sitting. As I crossed in front of her I saw the frustration and confusion on her face, not knowing what was wrong with the light. She was a nicely dressed Caucasian lady in her 50's or 60's. I felt her pain, stopped, and motioned her to roll down her window. I thought if I explained, it would not only help her now but also in the future. The cross street was busy, and this is in a relatively safe town of about 100,000. I am a middle-aged white guy wearing a tie, it is a bright sunny day at 2 in the afternoon, and when I approached her, her look of alarm soon turned to fear and/or anger as she frantically shook her head 'NO' and reached for her purse. I quickly backed away, and did not wait to see what she was reaching for. I was one of 'them'. Her fear of 'us' (apparently anyone she did not know) was so great she could not think rationally; and the prevalence of 'us and them' is so pervasive that to make this point I feel both compelled and ashamed to explain (again) that we were both white and middle-aged and nicely dressed and... and part of (my interpretation of) us.

In this second example, some may think 'you can't be too careful' and believe she did act rationally, but I do not believe one can think, act, or react rationally in the throes of frantic fear; and we are some times too quick to fear. And with this thought, I am now asking myself a hard question - Would I have felt her pain and/or approached her if she had not been white and middle-aged and nicely dressed? I want to believe that I am different than her and I do believe that my fear is not as deep and my concept of 'Us' is more expansive (the deeper the fear, the more narrow the 'us-inclusive' parameters), but how many times in a week do I still instinctively gravitate toward 'Us' and avoid those who are different - those who are scary? The fact is, regardless of the breadth of my parameters or the depth of my fear, I have created borders to keep scary people out.

Perhaps, in a small minority of the cases (I believe 10% or less), scary people should be less scary; yet a large majority of these perceived threats I believe not only do not pose a danger but actually create an opportunity for mutual learning and growth. So what are we really afraid of? A denigration / deterioration of 'Us' as a result of tearing down walls and broadening horizons? Based on observations, we apparently do believe this. We believe it would be weak to evolve compassionately; we believe it would create vulnerabilities to realize that one who is a part of 'us' in one context is a part of 'them' in a different context; we would not feel safe or secure if we admitted the fact that everyone is different than 'me', therefore the only true 'us' is a party of one; and so with this strong, instinctive foundation in place, we believe our integrity would be compromised if we violate the sanctity of Us by living as if Us Are Them and Them Are Us. So we make the decision to stay strong... and divisive... and stagnant...

Long Live Us!