hopelesshappiness.com

I'm tossed into a vast expanse
Of hurt and hidden fears
I sing my song, yet still I dance
With hope, and hollow tears.

This week I am asking myself, "how can I live authentically---(i.e. consistently within my perception of reality)---in this world of delusional pretentiousness?" To be taken seriously, and/or to be accorded (sometimes) even a nominal amount of respect, and allowing for social functionality, I often feel compelled to pretend and to be less than truthful. I pretend to care, inordinately, about the trivial and the superficial; and I pretend to not care about waste and avoidable incompetency. Though aware of personal fears and human frailty, I am less than truthful with others in this regard, maintaining an outward illusion of calm and confidence. And when other's fear manifests as specious bravado, I am also less than truthful, often displaying a facade of agreeable understanding. Although, in a sense, to pretend and to be less than truthful are synonymous, in another sense, if I am able to differentiate, it is less likely that my make-believe, (recognized as make-believe), will alter my personal truth; but a consistent practice of lying to myself, (most specifically regarding personal fear), may convince me of a more comfortable, inauthentic truth.

But before I delve further into my ruminations on fear and pretentiousness, I want to clarify two definitions: 1) Hope, and 2) Delusional.

1. In the verse above, "Hope" is meant to differentiate by emphasizing the spuriousness and futility of passive hope, and by encouraging an active hope driven by considerable effort toward productive change.
2. The word "Delusional" apparently carries with it a stigma of mental illness. But in the context of this written thought, (and I believe of most of my previous written thought), it is simply meant to imply a functionally unrealistic perspective, typically based on an unprovable belief, that ignores fear and injustice, and refuses to utilize objective analysis and/or empathic listening. This past week I used this word to describe someone---(and I was speaking in general terms, as in "anyone")---who proclaims to "know with certainty" any unproven or unprovable belief; (ex. Donald Trump will straighten out and clean up all the mess created by previous administrations). Offense was taken; and in hindsight, "Delusional" may have been a poor choice of words, as it abruptly ended the conversation. Perhaps "thoughtless" would be a better choice to truthfully deliver the intended message without the "crazy" stigma. ...Or perhaps it is okay that offense was taken.

I stated above that to live authentically, I must live within my perception of reality. Yet to consistently live within my (serious, skeptical, passionate, contemplative) perception of reality, (from experience), would create animosity and/or purposeful avoidance. I believe that each one of us, to some extent, has a public persona and a private persona. I believe that in most, (if not all), cases one's private persona is more authentic. I believe as I gain Life experience, more and more frequently, my private persona is advancing on, invading, and accosting my public persona. I believe that to live more authentically, I must allow this gap to continue to narrow; no surrender, no retreat. Yet I also believe, though the gap may narrow, there will always be a gap---rightfully so.

This week, I have observed individual fear manifest across all facets of the Human Psyche, exerting influence on Bravado, Insecurity, Self Interest, Empathy, and Madness; and strikingly impacting individual thoughts, feelings, and actions. (Last week, I described this interactive dynamic in some detail.) The most intriguing aspect of these instances, (involving multiple unrelated circumstance), is that (while some individuals recognized and acknowledged fear, and others did not), in every case the fear and/or (separately) the reaction was only superficially examined. Those who acknowledged fear, attributed their fear to short-term, anomalous factors, and attributed their reactions to rationally commendable considerations. Those who could not see (or refused to acknowledge) their fear, simply believed their reactions to be rationally commendable considerations; even though it was obvious that serious thought was left on the bench. And, in both those who saw their fear and those who did not, their logic was superficially irrefutable, and their portrayal of reality was superficially incomplete.

After reading this last bit, I understand the animosity and purposeful avoidance.

Yet to know my self, I must know my fear. And from there I cannot help but to aspire toward also encouraging others to dig deeper so they may root out and recognize hidden fears that, nonetheless, impact their thoughts, feelings, and actions. By doing so for myself, 1) I am forced to reason with my fear(s), 2) I am able to (first) better understand and (then) temper my thoughts, feelings, and actions, and 3) I find myself closer to Truth, Wisdom, and (upper-case) Happiness. Though, additionally, by rooting out and facing these fears, 1) I may find myself further from (lower-case) happiness; 2) because I create complexity, I may find it more difficult to justify some thoughts, feelings, and actions; and 3) because I create depth, I may find myself (feeling as if I am) in over my head. Nonetheless...

I am afraid of discomfort.
I am afraid of disruption.
I am afraid of confrontation.
I am afraid of oppression.
I am afraid of pain.
I am afraid of you.
I am afraid of change.
I am afraid of empathy.
I am afraid of questions.
I am afraid of accountability.
I am afraid of being found out.
I am afraid of losing control.
I am afraid of truthfulness.
I am afraid of thoughtfulness.
I am afraid of justice.
I am afraid of the inexplicable.
I am afraid of Wisdom.
I am afraid of Truth.
I am afraid of death.
I am afraid of meaninglessness.
I am afraid of nothingness.

This is reality...

The Human Psyche is the connective fabric between cognition, intuition, and volitional action. Elements of the Human Psyche include:

• Bravado
• Insecurity
• Empathy for others
• Self Interest
• Madness

(From this point forward, in this week's written thought, Empathy will always imply Empathy for others).

We are able to exert some influence through our choices surrounding these five elements of our Human Psyche. This influence is represented by one's cognition, one's intuition, and (most obviously) by one's volitional action. In other words, the interplay within one's psyche gives direction to one's thoughts, feelings, and actions. This influence may allow us to believe that our fear is within our control, or even nonexistent; but in actuality, through our choices, we are simply creating a more comfortable and user-friendly version of our fear.

Fear is the nest in which the Human Psyche makes its home. Fear drives our choices surrounding the elements of our Human Psyche.

Bravado is Bravado because all knowledge is pretentious. Insecurity is not the opposite of Bravado. Insecurity is Insecurity because we acknowledge that all knowledge is pretentious.

Healthy Fear manifests as a relative balance between Bravado and Insecurity. Inordinate Fear results in a noticeable imbalance between the two, and/or a sudden sharp decline in Bravado. In this latter instance, instead of increasing insecurity, the decline in Bravado may create an equally sudden spike in Madness. In the short term, this path to Madness looks a lot like Bravado.

A relative balance of Empathy and Self Interest creates social dexterity. An imbalance leads to awkwardness. Empathy and Self Interest must remain in close proximity for each to be productively effective. Yet in more moments than not, Empathy will remain in the bottom one-third of its range, while Self Interest enjoys the rarefied air near the top of its range.

Healthy Madness is driven by fear to consult with one's intuition and report back. Thus Healthy Madness is a product of intuition properly administered and utilized, resulting in greater productivity and an increase in efficiencies as seen through volitional action. Healthy Madness accomplishes this by encouraging creative exploration. Madness (healthy or unhealthy) is not the same as intuition; though those whose Madness tends to run below the recommended minimum, may be prone to confuse the two.

Unhealthy Madness can be the result of an overemphasis of, or an excessive focus on, intuition. One's Psyche should give direction to one's intuition. To put the cart before the horse is Madness. An overdose of intuition suppresses cognition, thus creating cold, drafty spaces for (otherwise healthy) Madness to be stricken with disease.

For the Human Psyche to maintain a healthy balance, on a scale of 100, Bravado, Insecurity, Empathy, and Self Interest should each range (individually) between 15 and 30, and Madness should fall into the range of 10 to 20. An unhealthy balance occurs when any element falls outside a range, and/or when there is a separation of more than 10 between Bravado and Insecurity, and/or when there is a separation of more than 10 between Empathy and Self Interest. These numbers fluctuate moment-to-moment, according to circumstance. These numbers will always add up to 100.

In many cases, a quantifiable change in Bravado is equitably reflected in Insecurity and/or Madness.

In some cases, a quantifiable change in Insecurity is equitably reflected in Bravado and/or Madness.

In some cases, a quantifiable increase in Insecurity is accompanied by an equitable increase in Bravado. When this occurs, the overall increase is equitably reflected by a decrease in the Empathy-Self Interest tandem.

In some cases, a quantifiable change in Insecurity is equitably reflected in Self Interest.

In some cases, a quantifiable decrease in Bravado is equitably reflected by an increase in Empathy.

In many cases, a quantifiable change in Empathy is equitably reflected in Self Interest and/or Madness.

In some cases, a quantifiable increase in Empathy is equitably reflected by a decrease in Bravado.

In many cases, a quantifiable change in Self Interest is equitably reflected in Empathy and/or Madness.

It is possible for a quantifiable change in any element to be equitably reflected in any other element.

In some cases, these triggers become rapid-fire, producing a series of staccato reactions ricocheting recklessly around the psyche.

A quantifiable change in Madness is typically a result of a change in Bravado, Insecurity, Empathy, or Self Interest. But, the longer the duration of its stay above its healthy limit, the greater the potential for Madness to feed upon the Human Psyche and self-generate; equitably reflected in one or more of the other four elements.

On occasion, (though it is Madness to do so), one must put the cart before the horse in order to make some sense of the big picture. This is commonly known as contemplation; or, (for some), meditation; or, (for some), spirituality.

Fear drives our choices. Our choices exert influence on the elements within our Human Psyche. Our psyche gives direction to our cognition, our intuition, and our volitional action.

Imagine a cylinder, open at both ends and placed (with one open end down), securely nestled into the deepest, darkest folds of your essence, where no light is able to enter through the bottom. When settled, fear rests near the bottom of this cylinder, the Human Psyche (and its elements) are most comfortable in the middle portion, and our cognition, intuition, and volitional action prefer the open-ended top of the cylinder where the bright light of day comes streaming in. When settled, and in turn, fear exerts gentle pressure upward on one's psyche, and the elements of the psyche exert gentle pressure upward influencing one's thoughts, feelings, and actions; and then the elements monitor results and, (with the aid of one's cognition and intuition), report back. On occasion reports are unsettling. When unsettled, fear, the elements of the psyche, thoughts, feelings, and actions become muddied and muddled, and may, (depending upon the degree of turmoil), produce a volatile concoction where fear and some elements of the psyche may bubble over the top, spilling into the light of day. This is a visual representation of a potentially unhealthy balance, with the overflow made necessary in order to maintain a level of 100. However, in moderation, the occasional frothy brew may also bring to light some normally-hidden fears or aspects of one's psyche that may in turn add to one's learning and growth. I believe it is good to shake things up every now and then.

... ... ... ... ...

I write within the week and then move forward. This is my first run-through focusing on the Human Psyche; though much of it layers nicely with other previous written thought. I have only the barest of inklings as to how this thought jibes with Jung, Freud, and other relevant thinkers on the topic. I may research and write more, (this week or next), or I may move on. Regardless, the depth and flow this week, (at least for me), has touched upon previously untouched and/or incoherent dynamics.

To see incompetence...
To admit to incompetence...
To apologize for incompetence...
To promise a response to incompetence...
...is a reassuring start.

But then,
To defend incompetence...
To make excuses for incompetence...
To break a promise...
To ignore incompetence...
To hide incompetence...
To forget about incompetence...
...breeds incompetence.

And well-bred incompetence leads to a comfortable delusion of competence...
...until the next time.

This week is the next time...

This week a man died due to incompetence...

This week a man died because of a comfortable delusion of competence.

Previously, the result was anger, frustration, and inconvenience.

This week a man died...

This week, my daughter, (who lives in New Orleans), sent me the following Bob Dylan quote:

"Everything in New Orleans is a good idea."

In context, she used the quote to warn me of the dangers inherent in an abundance of good ideas, implying that some ideas may lead to bad outcomes. Of course, as I pointed out, this applies only to those ideas that are acted upon.

Most weeks my thoughts and words overflow. I belch them out, they spill onto the page, I let them temper into a semi-amenable gelatinous mass, I mold and form, I heat, I cool, and when they have hardened I give them a final polish, frame them, and hang them on the wall. Just week before last I regurgitated three independent puddles onto the page. Some weeks I have so much to spew that it flows into the next week. So far this week I have dry heaves. The conversation with my daughter has given me pause. Most weeks my brain is like New Orleans; everything is a good idea. To quote more Bob Dylan:

"The ghosts race towards the light, you can almost hear the heavy breathing spirits, all determined to get somewhere."

"Night can swallow you up... Around any corner, there's a promise of something daring and ideal and things are just getting going. There's something obscenely joyful behind every door, either that or somebody crying with their head in their hands. A lazy rhythm looms in the dreamy air and the atmospere pulsates..."

"One of Napoleon's generals... ...said that here the devil is damned, just like everybody else, only worse. The devil comes here and sighs."

Bob was talking about New Orleans. But most weeks it could as easily be my mind, working to disgorge copious thought.

So. Is an abundance of good ideas, a good idea? Or not? First, some might want to argue that not all of my ideas are good ideas. But I would argue that any idea, put forth as a thoughtful challenge to see varying perspectives, is a good idea. Any idea, put forth with an active acknowledgement that all thoughts / ideas must continue to evolve and will never attain a final Perfection, is a good idea. Any idea, that builds creative tension, is a good idea. So the question remains, can there be too many good ideas?

Instinctively, I would like to answer, "No!" But if an idea demands an action, then a plethora of ideas may overwhelm and bog down progress / advancement / productivity, and some ideas that seem good at the time, may lead to a bad outcome. However, in the planning stage, I do not believe there can be too many ideas. And in the planning stage, I do not believe an idea should be judged and/or labeled---period.

I am still in the planning stage.

"What am I planning, you ask?"

"Why, World Domination; of course."

The first step in my plan is to understand reality, and to acknowledge that once I have grasped a reasonable understanding of reality, reality will have changed. I have found it difficult to advance my plan for World Domination when in each new moment the reality of the World has changed and I must spend that new moment searching for a new understanding. But in this search and rescue operation, I have gushed so many, (by my definition), good ideas that, (if anyone ever reads them), I believe have the potential to move those who are hanging on to a past reality (with conviction bordering on desperation), from their rock of ages to an understanding that reality has moved on. And if we can reach a majority agreement that reality is not statuesque and immobile, but rather gelatinous and moldable, then perhaps we can also work together to create an ever-evolving place in this World that will extend survival and allow all scattered eruptions of challenging, evolving thought to lead us to a universally synergistic Domination of our momentary World.

And then we must start again in the next moment.

I know... It is easier to hang on to tried and true old ideas than to constantly have to learn and grow. It is easier to lounge at the feet of a long-dead statue than to constantly belch, temper, mold, form, heat, cool, polish, frame, repeat. And, (even when we initiate a search and rescue operation for reality), it is easier to stop having ideas once we find one or two we like, than to constantly and forever belch, temper, mold, form, heat, cool, polish, frame, repeat. But if we do not produce an abundance of good ideas from which to choose a direction, I would argue that as a species we will have less time to reflect on what is easier.

The more frequently momentary reality slips from our grasp, and/or the further reality moves from our rock, the more directionless we will become. A constant flow of innumerable ideas is necessary for a complete picture from which to choose direction. There is no such thing as an overabundance of ideas.

I frequently maintain the impossibility of Perfection. On Monday though, I had a food day that came close. Typically I cook. I love to cook, and I am consistently told that I do it fairly well. Monday was a restaurant day.

This week we are in south Louisiana, vacationing and visiting daughters and granddaughter. Skipping breakfast on Monday, my food day began with lunch at Albasha; a small chain of Greek & Lebanese restaurants in this region. My choice: the "Albasha Super Salad" which includes feta cheese salad, taboule, and stuffed vegetarian grape leaves. Additionally, we shared an appetizer of Halloumi cheese sautéed in olive oil and fresh garlic, and I added a side of kalamata olives. This "Albasha Super Salad" was a staple for a length of time immediately following a minor heart attack, a few years back, when my Wife and I also lived in this area. Albasha was a contributing factor toward significant weight loss and healthier eating habits. I believe, (because of the dramatic change in lifestyle), that this food connection is (at least) partially emotional; but today, long after these healthy habits have become entrenched, it remains largely driven by taste. I have enthusiastically taken to Mediterranean fare, and since moving back to Mid-Missouri five years ago, I have found no rival for Albasha's grape leaves.

Monday evening we enjoyed a unique setting at a locally owned Italian restaurant in Kenner / Metairie. We were seated next to an interesting wall mural of an Italian street scene, complete with fountain, food vendors, balconied apartments, and a multiplicity of active, energetic foot traffic. The Brick Oven offers fresh gourmet pizzas and traditional Italian dishes. I chose the "Spaghetti and Puttanesca: Calamata olives, onions, capers and anchovies sautéed in extra virgin olive oil tossed with our marinara served over spaghetti." As I was perusing the menu and making my selection, I had no preconceived expectations. In fact, I had no recollection of ever previously ordering puttanesca; (though my Wife believes I have). To say I was pleasantly surprised is an understatement. Yet I also believe that the next time I order this dish, (even if I were to do so at The Brick Oven), it is very possible, (perhaps even quite likely), that it will not be as impeccably delicious and satisfying as I found it Monday. (And this takes nothing at all away from The Brick Oven, as everyone in our party found everything very good to excellent.) I simply believe that there are occasions when body meets gratifying sustenance in a way that maximizes the physical experience. Monday was such an occasion.

I also believe that there are occasions when heart meets fervid sentiment; and when mind meets stimulating challenge: and when intuition meets inspired illumination; that, respectively, maximize the emotional, intellectual, and spiritual experience. From day-to-day, all of these perceptual / conceptual experiences will run the gamut from frustration to mundanity to satisfaction, and varying degrees between and within.

So, is there a way to more consistently grasp (physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual) productive satisfaction? Am I able to guide my (body, heart, mind, spirit) self toward the specific (sustenance, sentiment, challenge, illumination) essentials necessary for maximizing output? And if so, how do I balance the guidance/planning with the temperance of preconceived expectations, and also with the apparently valuable lagniappe of unexpected wonder? When I plan, I create expectations by planning to a specific end. And when I set my sights on this desirable outcome, I often leave no room for the unexpectedness of personal surprise. So to summarize, I believe I am asking if I am able to, (and if I am able to, how might I), consistently put myself in a position that will invite surprise AND maximize productive satisfaction?

Here are some thoughts:

• Diversity of experience; (i.e. Try new things).
• An open mind, driven by skepticism and uncertainty.
• The ability to relax, (with a sense of humor), within a serious mindset of creative effort for learning and growth.

It appears, (from the thoughts above), that to invite surprise and maximize productive satisfaction, one risks the possibility, (perhaps the likelihood), of discomfort. I (personally) have no difficulty experiencing aspects of discomfort as described. I (personally) struggle with the ability to relax within my seriousness, which leads to an imbalance between planning and preconceived expectations, thus suppressing the potential for surprise. By relaxing within my seriousness, perhaps planning will not be as tightly wound around expectations, allowing for a broader vision of possibility, and the occasional surprise. If I plan to expectations, based on experience, (i.e. What I think I know), I am playing it safe. But if I allow for unexpectedness I will more likely be led beyond comfortable security.

I believe the risk of (frequent) discomfort for the reward of (occasional) unexpected wonder, is worthwhile. It certainly was on Monday.