hopelesshappiness.com

This week, after the Carolina Panthers Super Bowl loss, Cam Newton said, "I've been on record to say I'm a sore loser. Who likes to lose? Show me a good loser and I'll show you a loser." My instinctive response is, "show me a sore loser and you still have a loser." So apparently he is choosing between "sore" and "good" because in either case, you are left with a loser. In the context of "losing", to choose "sore" over "good" (I believe) indicates a lack of consideration for others, in that the feelings of one individual, (no matter personal or public opinion), are no more and no less significant than the feelings of any other one individual; and there are many other individuals on the winning team, whose enjoyment of their victory is potentially lessened by Mr. Newton's crybaby antics. Who knows? His purpose may not be specifically to detract from their victory and bring the spotlight back on himself. He may not completely understand his motivation. He may just be a crybaby with no planned or known ulterior motive. Regardless, the question becomes, "Is Mr. Newton an individual who a) can not show consideration for others, b) believes he should not have to show consideration for others, or c) simply will not (i.e. refuses to) show consideration for others?"

These 3 gradations of a sore loser are important; and I will come back to them. But first I want to examine those in the media, (and others), who claim that Cam Newton's truthfulness is honorable and preferable to the alternative. Those who make this claim believe the alternative to truthfulness is not being truthful. I see the choices not as honesty vs. dishonesty, but as truthfulness vs. social civility in order to minimize harm. (I do not know anything about Cam Newton's personal life, so I am not in any way casting aspersions with this example), but if his wife or a girlfriend or a friend asks him, "How do I look in these jeans?" will Cam Newton choose to be truthful or socially civil? I am 100% in favor of truthfulness with oneself, and if he is a sore loser inside, he should actively recognize that and then determine if harm, (such as a lack of consideration for others), can come from that, and if so he should consider how to minimize that harm. Social civility is a viable option. To be consistently, overtly, and truthfully vocal, is selfish.

Some media outlets have also justified Mr. Newton's antics as okay by comparing the similarity of his quote to a Vince Lombardi quote. And yes; Vince Lombardi did make a similar comment. But Vince Lombardi also said:

"The spirit, the will to win, and the will to excel---these are the things that endure and these are the qualities that are so much more important than any of the events that occasion them."

And:

"You never win a game unless you beat the guy in front of you. The score on the board doesn't mean a thing. That's for the fans. You've got to win the war with the man in front of you. You've got to get your man."

And:

"Winning is not everything---but making the effort to win is."

And:

"Second place is meaningless. You can't always be first, but you have to believe you should have been---that you were never beaten---that time just ran out on you."

In context, and considering his entire body of work, I don't believe Vince Lombardi was advocating being a sore loser. He recognized that you cannot win every time and (I believe) he was advocating the will to win and, (with the fourth quote above), encouraging one to set their mind on winning, even when first place has slipped from their grasp. I believe this "winning mindset" will more likely translate into a public perception of a good loser as opposed to a sore loser. If Mr. Newton felt himself a winner regardless, (as Mr. Lombardi suggested), there would be no discussion of losing, period, and this would not be a story.

Now back to the progression of sore losing. I asked if Mr. Newton is an individual who a) can not show consideration for others, b) believes he should not have to show consideration for others, or c) will not (i.e. refuses to) show consideration for others? I believe this to be a progression of maturity and growth (in succession and respectively) from a) immaturity due to a lack of experience, to b) immaturity due to an inflated ego, to c) a stunting of growth due to delusional arrogance. In this last case, it may appear that there is little or no potential for the individual to outgrow their selfishness. I want to believe this is extreme and rare. In the case of Cam Newton, I believe his is a case of immaturity due to an inflated ego with a dash (or two or three) of inexperience, and I believe there is considerable potential for him to outgrow this affliction. In support of this potential, on one media outlet this week I saw a report that basketball bad-boy Isaiah Thomas now regrets similar "sore-loser" behavior from his past.

Bad behavior and lack of consideration is not exclusive to wealthy, young sports heroes. I am constantly discovering areas of inexperience in which my immaturity wants to surface, but I work very hard to consciously suppress the whiny excuses, temper tantrums, and hotheaded volatility that I want to use to defend my shortcomings. I am not always successful. I am constantly tripping over my ego, but I work very hard to consciously recognize the misstep before I verbally translate it into thoughtless potential for harm. I am not always successful. It is the nature of the beast to be incapable---(childlike inexperience)---of showing consideration for others, or to feel I should not have to---(ego)---show consideration for others. But I do not believe it to be human nature to create fictional constructs in my mind to convince myself of my superiority. I believe this delusional arrogance to be learned behavior. I would also like to believe that it is behavior that can be overwritten by an active recognition of one's responsibility to minimize harm and one's responsibility to seek reconciliation. Though I will never completely escape the dangers of inexperience and ego, by actively acknowledging the challenges they create, perhaps I will be able to vault over delusional arrogance and on occasion land in (or at least near) responsible maturity.

This week I asked myself, "If I could only choose one, what single, consistently-redundant experience or observation generates the greatest intensity of mind-numbing, jaw-dropping, heart-rending, gut-clenching anger?" My answer? "Most definitely injustice... no, ignorance; or maybe politics (defined as any struggle for power and control); or perhaps bureaucracy... no; it would have to be consumerism; or maybe inefficiency; no... it has to be unshakable certainty in the face of rational, reasonable disagreement... okay... I don't know. I need to dig deeper.

Each of these candidates bring outstanding attributes to the table. Many are interrelated in one way or another. For example bureaucracy and inefficiency are nearly synonymous from the bureaucracy end, but inefficiency can also stand alone. And I believe consumerism and unshakable certainty to be the manipulative, illicit progeny of politics. Additionally, injustice is often the outcome of ignorance, politics, or bureaucracy, while ignorance often appears to be a requirement preceding any one of the contestants. So if this last observation is accurate, it appears that the winner should be ignorance. So I suppose if I could only choose one, my answer would have to be ignorance.

But ignorance is like the elephant that can only be eaten one bite at a time. Yet to think of devouring even one of the six remaining elephants feels daunting and formidable as well. If the elephant matriarch is "ignorance" and if I were to follow the family tree, I believe politics and injustice would be included in the second generation. The third generation would give birth to fraternal twins bureaucracy and inefficiency, as well as consumerism, and unshakable certainty. We would also find many other baby elephants scattered throughout the herd, sharing traits and characteristics of Mom and Grandma and siblings and cousins. Unlike most elephants who limit the size of the herd, this herd continues to grow larger, trampling over everything in sight. I lack confidence that one bite at a time will slow them down, much at all. So what can we do?

Again, I need to dig deeper. So I ask myself, "How can I best react to intense anger brought on by one, (or more than one), rampaging elephant?" Like the earlier question on anger, I have a difficult time coming up with a single answer. The candidates here are uncertainty, truthfulness (not to be confused with unattainable Truth---truthfulness is sincere expression of thought), skepticism, creative tension (defined as nonviolent direct action leading to nonviolent confrontation), and spirituality. Like the previous answers on anger, these answers appear also to be interrelated. Uncertainty and skepticism appear to be nearly synonymous, but I believe uncertainty to reflect an internal questioning within oneself, and skepticism to be a more overt, active questioning of status quo or disagreeable circumstance. And I believe both (uncertainty and skepticism) can lead to creative tension which should then be utilized to lead to negotiation and growth. I believe spirituality to be a result of consistently practicing truthfulness, uncertainty, skepticism, and creative tension. Spirituality leads to a serious consideration of the intangible or unexplainable without inventing implausible explanations. Spirituality is not organized religion. I believe organized religion to be a fourth generation elephant. And, bringing us full circle, truthfulness appears to be a requirement preceding any constructive advancement of the other four entrants.

Elephants are afraid of mice.

A group of mice is called a mischief.

I believe truthfulness to be the first generation Matriarch of our mischief. The second generation includes fraternal twins uncertainty and skepticism; and the third generation would give birth to creative tension and spirituality. As with the herd of elephants, there is the potential for many other mice to share traits and charcteristics of Mom and Grandma and siblings and cousins. As with the herd of elephants, we must not limit the size of our mischief. The greater the number and frequency of mice turned loose at the feet of the elephants, the greater the chance our mischief will frighten them into retreat.

It is a good plan.

Think about it; carefully; beyond (and within) the play on words.

It is a good plan.

Sunday: Today I woke up wondering, "What is it all about?" As I pondered this question in the quiet early morning hours, it became somewhat obvious that the ultimate goal must be survival. And since I will not survive this world, my ultimate goal should be to aid the world in its quest for survival; most notably, I am concerned with the survival of humanity, but if the world around us does not survive, it is unlikely we will hold on alone. So today I kept this thought close in my mind as I spent a sizable portion of my day in the pursuit and capture of food, drink, and fun. Specifically, today was all about grilled / smoked chicken marinated in and basted with a white bbq sauce, a pint of Guinness followed by a pint of hard cider, guests, and board games. I believe social civility and time to recharge contribute to the constructive propagation and ultimate survival of Humanity.

Monday: Today I made a mistake. I am very hard on myself when I make an avoidable error; some tell me I am too hard on myself. Though I can come up with multiple legitimate justifications for this lapse, I can also come up with multiple ways in which I could have avoided this logistical snafu. I was not thorough. In recent years I do not have the number of opportunities for redemption that I once did; so when I blow an opportunity to exhibit responsibility, (as I did this morning), I feel I have reduced even further the possibilities for future opportunities. I have always, (even as a child), had very high expectations. In recent years I have discovered that I am the biggest screw-up I know; but I also recognize that this is so because I am on such intimate terms with myself. I know EVERY SINGLE misstep I make or even think about making. I believe if there were a way to measure my rotten apples to another's rotten apples, I would find that I am a fairly typical human, with a fairly typical number of rotten apples. I tell myself this and I am (eventually) able to move past the breach; but only after I am too hard on myself. I believe one should learn from their mistakes. I will always have high expectations. As I gain Life experience, I have come to believe that these high expectations should be---(exclusively?)---focused on myself. I will continue to be too hard on myself. I will continue to learn and grow. I believe learning and growth are necessary for the constructive propagation and ultimate survival of Humanity.

Early Tuesday morning thought: I do not want to believe in a God who has a chosen people. It appears that most people who claim a strong faith in their God also believe they are amongst his (or her) chosen people and all others will (and can) go to Hell. I believe this purposeful divisiveness has the potential for destructive propagation and the ultimate extinction of Humanity.

Tuesday, end of day: Today I listened, asked questions, interpreted, and translated. I did so efficiently, effectively, and with considerable regard and respect for all parties involved. Additionally, I helped to maintain the consistency and integrity of a process that, (once translated and communicated), will have impact on many lives for many years to come. I took this task seriously and I worked very hard for a beneficially productive outcome. I believe all parties involved took this task seriously and worked very hard for a beneficially productive outcome. I believe that to be efficient and effective, communication must be mutually respectful and beneficially productive. I believe efficient and effective communication to be a result of empathic listening for understanding, skeptical questioning, thoughtful interpretation, and careful translation. I believe efficient and effective communication to be a result of very serious, hard work. I believe efficient and effective communication to be necessary for the constructive propagation and ultimate survival of Humanity.

Wednesday: It is not that I object to being objectified; especially when I consider the enormity of the scope of Humanity. But it is irksome to be specifically objectified by one who appears to have little or no concept of the enormity of the scope of Humanity. Today this inner consternation bubbled to the surface when a repeat offender once again reminded me of my place. I know I have a place. I am slotted and defined accordingly by each individual interaction; and this is not only okay, it is often necessary. But repetitive, one-on-one interactions consistently characterized by unnecessary reminders, dismissive interruptions, and an "I'LL TALK---YOU LISTEN" condescending aggressiveness, is not okay. It is irksome. It is also a helpful reminder to keep my personal ego in check, consistently practice efficient and effective communication, and utilize objectification only when necessary as a tool for organization. I believe an active recognition of the enormity of the scope of Humanity is necessary for the constructive propagation and ultimate survival of Humanity.

Thursday: Today I crossed a finish line. The crowd cheered, I raised my arms in victory, I looked around for congratulations, and I realized the crowd had already dispersed and the other competitors had disappeared. As I thought on this, I began to wonder if I had only imagined the other competitors. I would swear I felt them breathing down my neck; but I guess I never did actually turn to see them. And the crowd? I know I heard them cheer. But it "was" a rather brief and unenthusiastic cheer. Perhaps they were merely cheering the end of the race. I guess if I had to hang around to watch one guy cross a finish line, I might lack enthusiasm, and be ready to move on, as well. Regardless, I enjoyed the race. And maybe it is okay that I was the only entrant. Perhaps I was breathing down my own neck, urging myself onward. And perhaps by competing hard, against and with myself, I have found an evenly-matched foe. Perhaps I now also recognize my inner agent, trainer, coach, and cheerleader; and based on this crowd reaction, I believe I will let my agent and cheerleader go. They feel extraneous. The competition though, was fierce; and, (though when the crowd sees only one competitor, I understand it is difficult to measure), my performance was top-notch. So "Congratulations!" to the trainer, the coach, and all the competitors.

Whether with oneself, or an individual or team with other opponents, competition should not be mistaken for divisiveness. Arrogant, disrespectful competition can lead to divisiveness. Volitional competition in pursuit of mutual excellence will lead to synergy and an interdependence of respectful creative tension which is necessary for the constructive propagation and ultimate survival of Humanity.

Friday: Today I bought some music; "Mule Variations" and "The Low Highway" from Tom Waits and Steve Earle respectively. I'm on my way home now for a listen.

Music is magic. I believe I find it magical partially because I will never understand the wonder of its creation. How does one mind, or more than one mind in collaboration, turn ideas and thoughts into such moving, universal expressions of Love, Sadness, Joy, Jealousy, Exhilaration, Anger, Energy, Fear, Confusion, Peace, Pain, Guilt, Loneliness... I see some imaginative / creative / framing / inspirational correlation with writing, from personal experience; but to translate the sound in one's head into the harmonies of musical vocalization and instrumentation is amazing. For me, it is magic.

The wonderment gives a depth to the enjoyment. I don't need to invent an explanation for what I cannot explain. I can (and I do) study and contemplate to better understand, but it is not only okay, I feel it is necessary to leave some questions unanswered. To do otherwise is misleading and (in some cases) delusional. I will never know, with absolute 100% certainty, "all" the intricacies of musical creation. I can search; and I do. I can conjecture; and I do. I can ask questions; and I do. And each time I gain a bit of understanding, I can enjoy the remaining mysteries; and I do. I believe an active acknowledgement of the wonder of creation is necessary for the constructive propagation and ultimate survival of Humanity.

Saturday: Today I unplugged a vacuum cleaner hose that had accumulated what seemed to be mostly a conglomeration of pine needles and dog hair. Four months ago my cardiologist unplugged some arteries that had accumulated what was most likely a five year conglomeration of stress, anger, and genetics. Six years ago my cardiologist unplugged some arteries that had accumulated what was most likely a fifty year conglomeration of fried chicken, potato chips, coconut cream pie, stress, anger, and genetics. I have now learned how to take apart the vaccum cleaner hose. It took fifty years to learn that a steady diet of fried chicken, potato chips, and coconut cream pie was not a heart-healthy diet. I am now working at reducing excessive stress and anger. I am afraid genetics cannot be unlearned.

Healthful habits lead to a greater likelihood of extended survival. Each day this week I have translated various events and thoughts into an analysis of the constructive propagation and ultimate survival of Humanity. I have, in a sense, unplugged daily tunnel vision, clearing away the pine needles and dog hair, in order to see beyond the commonplace regularity of one's everyday Life. Humanity must begin to practice more healthful habits. For me, this begins with me. I believe each day, and each moment, is an opportunity to work toward the constructive propagation and ultimate survival of Humanity.

I'm tumbling past their eyes, yet they don't see
I'm mumbling my goodbyes, yet they don't hear
I'm feeling hopeless hurt deservedly
I'm reeling from the dirt and dung and fear.

But as the years go by, I learn to grow
And actively defy this place I'm in
Reality dictates haphazard flow
As anger obfuscates regret and sin.

This body-mind connection won't let go
Forcing staid reflection, asking why
Beyond the truth of all that I did know
Flailing as I fall, I grasp the lie.

Though seen thusly diminished and unfit
I see a Life unfinished. I won't quit.

Another pep talk. The Sonnet above is chronologically reflective of recent years and how I am where I am today. This week that body-mind connection has been particularly powerful.

This past weekend, browsing through a large collection of postcards at a flea market, I came across the one pictured above. On the back was a one cent stamp and a postmark dated "9pm Sep 15, 1916 Vandalia Mo." The postcard was addressed to a "Miss Effie" in "Louisiana Mo." Written in pencil, the missive on the back read as follows:

"Miss Effie... I thought I would wright you a few lines as I would like to have a date with you for sat night and bring a friend with me so answer sat morning. By By from a friend Walter..."

A few months shy of one hundred years ago, I wonder what became of Miss Effie and Walter? Did Miss Effie accept Walter's invitation for a Saturday night rendezvous? Was it the beginning of a lifelong relationship with children and grandchildren; (and by now, possibly great grandchildren and great-great grandchildren)? Or was it perhaps the end of a relationship? Or was it a first date, or even a blind date, that never went any further? And who was the friend tagging along with Walter? And why was he (or she?) tagging along? Could it have been a business proposition of some sort? Could the friend have been code for something else? Perhaps a jug of homemade moonshine? Or maybe the love of Walter's friend Jesus? Or maybe a veiled threat alluding to Walter's friends Smith and Wesson?

There are so many possibilities, and as this week has progressed, I have discovered that I like not knowing. Even though whatever came of this, has already transpired, it is good to see the incalculable possibilities. Walter and Miss Effie lived out a succession of events after this 9pm September 15, 1916 moment in time; some impacted by choices they made, (together or separately), and others most certainly impacted by circumstance and factors beyond their control. In a sense, this unknown past, involving these two individuals, is a reflection of one's personal unknown future as it is impacted by our choices and reactions in this moment. Walter and Miss Effie have reminded me to like the uncertainty of my moments and days to come. The mystery is kind of cool. And for those of you who have it all figured out, and know exactly where you are going and how you are going to get there; or even worse, if you believe you are already there; I am sorry for your loss.