hopelesshappiness.com

I'm tumbling past their eyes, yet they don't see
I'm mumbling my goodbyes, yet they don't hear
I'm feeling hopeless hurt deservedly
I'm reeling from the dirt and dung and fear.

But as the years go by, I learn to grow
And actively defy this place I'm in
Reality dictates haphazard flow
As anger obfuscates regret and sin.

This body-mind connection won't let go
Forcing staid reflection, asking why
Beyond the truth of all that I did know
Flailing as I fall, I grasp the lie.

Though seen thusly diminished and unfit
I see a Life unfinished. I won't quit.

Another pep talk. The Sonnet above is chronologically reflective of recent years and how I am where I am today. This week that body-mind connection has been particularly powerful.

This past weekend, browsing through a large collection of postcards at a flea market, I came across the one pictured above. On the back was a one cent stamp and a postmark dated "9pm Sep 15, 1916 Vandalia Mo." The postcard was addressed to a "Miss Effie" in "Louisiana Mo." Written in pencil, the missive on the back read as follows:

"Miss Effie... I thought I would wright you a few lines as I would like to have a date with you for sat night and bring a friend with me so answer sat morning. By By from a friend Walter..."

A few months shy of one hundred years ago, I wonder what became of Miss Effie and Walter? Did Miss Effie accept Walter's invitation for a Saturday night rendezvous? Was it the beginning of a lifelong relationship with children and grandchildren; (and by now, possibly great grandchildren and great-great grandchildren)? Or was it perhaps the end of a relationship? Or was it a first date, or even a blind date, that never went any further? And who was the friend tagging along with Walter? And why was he (or she?) tagging along? Could it have been a business proposition of some sort? Could the friend have been code for something else? Perhaps a jug of homemade moonshine? Or maybe the love of Walter's friend Jesus? Or maybe a veiled threat alluding to Walter's friends Smith and Wesson?

There are so many possibilities, and as this week has progressed, I have discovered that I like not knowing. Even though whatever came of this, has already transpired, it is good to see the incalculable possibilities. Walter and Miss Effie lived out a succession of events after this 9pm September 15, 1916 moment in time; some impacted by choices they made, (together or separately), and others most certainly impacted by circumstance and factors beyond their control. In a sense, this unknown past, involving these two individuals, is a reflection of one's personal unknown future as it is impacted by our choices and reactions in this moment. Walter and Miss Effie have reminded me to like the uncertainty of my moments and days to come. The mystery is kind of cool. And for those of you who have it all figured out, and know exactly where you are going and how you are going to get there; or even worse, if you believe you are already there; I am sorry for your loss.

For the past 3 to 4 weeks I have been looking for an answer, and today I realized that I had not yet clarified the question. Who am I kidding? I don't even know if I know what the question is. I have been here before; and I have a nagging suspicion that I have previously written on (or at the least, I have often alluded to) the lack of wisdom in placing answers before questions. So now, through this self-guided form of written analysis/therapy that I perform each week, I am going to take a step back, and make an effort to objectively identify the question, and then seek potential resolution.

To seek an answer before a serious consideration and a careful formulation of the question, is a bit like consulting a psychic; and (respectfully) most friends and acquaintances, if asked for advice, (especially with no dog in the race), will respond psychically as well. I may find some general, non specific wisdom hidden in the proverbial and predictable platitudes, but these psychic counsels will be superficial and will more likely lead to a superficial and temporary solution.

And this is where I find myself, again. Previous solutions have been temporary, and I keep cycling back to what appears to be the same question. I am looking for an an answer that will calm internal disquiet, and I have previously determined the ultimate question to be one of comfortable safety vs. uncomfortable principled action; (see this previous post). But after this, my fourth (or fifth?) cycle, I am reasoning that perhaps I am asking the wrong question. Perhaps if I hop off this merry-go-round, instead of hopping onto another merry-go-round, I should first ask which piece of equipment will be more productively agreeable. But it feels like that is what I have been doing, only to find the jungle gym (or the swingset, or the teeter-totter) is either housed upon a merry-go-round, or, (after a given time), magically morphs into a merry-go-round. If due to circumstance, each piece of equipment on this playground ultimately creates vertiginous instability, perhaps I need to find another playground. Yet I have been assigned to this one; and there are electric fences; with razor wire; and guards at the gate.

In fairness, I am relegated to this specific playground only for a specific role/segment of my daily existence. Once my daily (maximum security) time is served, I am often transported from this playground to various minimum security playgrounds that provide more productive, rewarding diversion. And, on a fairly regular basis, I am released to explore other, even less restrictive playgrounds of my choosing. I also understand that there are some playgrounds much worse than my maximum security playground. So perhaps the question some would have me ask is---"Why not be grateful? And quiet? And serve your time"---but I refuse to ask that question, because from experience I also know there are nicer playgrounds; playgrounds from which I am banned. And I am not one to quietly accept what I perceive as injustice.

So perhaps I will move closer to the question I need to ask, by asking first, "Does my perception accurately reflect reality?" Utilizing hindsight, I can now see that some past roles were actually simple merry-go-rounds yet I perceived them at the time as jet-fueled rocket ships. My perception failed me then, so am I able to trust today's perceived reality? As I consider this question, it poses a dilemma. Is what I perceive today as a merry-go-round, in actuality a rocket ship? Or a steam locomotive? Or even a tandem bicycle? Am I really just going in circles? Or  is there a spinning forward progress in which I am distracted by the spinning, thus unable to detect the forward progress?

It appears I have determined that (at least) my in-the-moment perception of reality cannot be trusted. Which in turn would seem to dictate that any individual's in-the-moment perception of reality cannot be trusted. And if this is true, then how can I trust any current perception of (past, present, or future) reality. Yet each one of us will continue to perceive and define our individual realities. It also, (at first glance), appears that these arguments may have moved me further from determining the question I must ask to aid in resolving my current discord. But perhaps the redundancy of this specific dilemma cycling round and round, again and again, is encouraging me to look beyond the piece of equipment.

In the past, when there was like turmoil or disharmony, I blamed the merry-go-round and hopped off, only to end up on another merry-go-round. The playmates were different, and the mechanics and operational details were different, but the damn thing, (regardless of marketing propaganda), was still a simple merry-go-round.

So even though the piece of equipment, the playmates, and the operational mechanics have influence, it appears that the ultimate question must be moved toward a bigger picture perspective of the playground and of my perception of reality. So the questions become as follows: 

1. Is it possible to relocate to a different playground?
2. Is it possible to alter my current perception of an unjust reality?

The answer to the first question is "Yes, it is possible, but it is also difficult." I successfully relocated once for a short period, but was ultimately kicked out of the new playground, and sent back to this one.

I will begin to answer the second question with a question: If I manage to alter my current perception of reality and create a new one, which perceived reality then becomes more delusional? Perhaps delusional is too strong a descriptor for the original perception,  but if I cannot completely trust any perception, and if I work to destroy one perception with another, I believe delusional to be an apt adjective for an invading perception created simply to quell an inner uprising. It feels that an uprising is an uprising for a reason, and this is why I do not believe that the first perception will be conquered or destroyed; perhaps forced into hiding... but not destroyed. And if this is the case, it appears that the newer, synthetic perception is merely a pretender to the throne; and the original, organic perception is more truthful.

I believe being truthful to/with oneself is important. To hide truthfulness from another is common and, (for the sake of social civility and progress), often necessary. To hide truthfulness from oneself is quixotic and specious. To hide truthfulness from another can be a strategy for moving closer to Truth. To hide truthfulness from oneself is often a strategy to avoid proximity to Truth. This "fear" of Truth often manifests as certainty. This certainty, as it becomes more and more entrenched, exponentially distances one from Truth and from truthfulness.

Truthfulness is not the same as Truth. Truthfulness is an active acknowledgement of specific uncertainties (and of the inevitability of uncertainty), coupled with serious effort, (often initiated in the form of questions), to find Peace. Truth is that (ultimately unattainable) Peace.

I believe there is Truth to be discerned.
I do not believe perception is reality.
Yet, to be defined, reality must first be perceived / discerned.
Therefore, Truth is beyond reality.
Yet I believe there is Truth to be discerned.

So finally, after all this, my answer to question #2 above is "No. I cannot alter my current perception of an unjust reality." Regardless, in these few days of written thought I have made a stronger effort to detect forward progress within my current circumstance of vertiginous instability, and lo and behold, I have found some. Not a lot. And not as much or as quickly as I would like. But there, nonetheless. I have not altered my perception; I have expanded it. So now I believe the question all along was one of seeing the bigger picture; not only the untrustworthiness of my perception and the whole playground (and beyond), but also the bigger picture upon this specific piece of equipment.

For now, I will hang on.

TO: Past, Present, and Potential Creditors
CC: Friends, Family, and Acquaintances
BCC: Interested Egos seeking opportunity to feel superior
RE: My Bad Credit

By today's standards and criteria for good upstanding citizen, I am a failure. I have bad credit. I am not sure if I was born without a financial responsibility gene, or if that good credit synapse is misfiring, or if perhaps that money management nerve center somehow landed in my appendix and was surgically removed nearly 40 years ago. Whatever the case, by today's standards and criteria, I have spent a lifetime (so far) chasing too many dreams, asking too many questions, thinking too much, trusting too much, learning too long, laughing too much, crying too much, working too hard, and (for the most part) innocently believing tomorrow will be a better day. I have always railed against excessive/unnecessary rules. I have never understood those who believe financial success to be the (aptly-named and explanatory) gold standard for success in Life. I do understand that wealth, (and even simple financial security), gives one power, which can inflate an ego, but I do not understand why anyone would choose power over progress; money over personal growth; ruthless ambition over respectful synergy; the humdrum routine of bureaucracy over the pain and joy of Life.

With that said, the next paragraph will sound to some like excuses. In my head it is an explanation for my past irresponsibility and my more recent failure.

In the past, financially, I have always kept my head above water; (in some circumstance and through some periods of time, just barely). As indicated above I have never had a burning desire to seek riches. Though I know this and say it with considerable confidence and certainty, I also know that throughout my Life I have had a burning desire; I just am uncertain as to exactly what it is that I have a burning desire for. I am still searching. If one defines "astray" as "off the beaten path of acceptable societal rules and constraints" then in the past, this search has many times led me astray. Looking back, I see these forays into the wilderness as valuable adventures and even more valuable misadventures. Regardless, until about ten years ago, I remained close enough to the beaten path to (mostly) stay in acceptable society's good graces. Ten years ago I had the temerity and impertinence to develop Meniere's Syndrome in a second ear---(and I only have two)---thus creating a circumstance of disability that thrust me into an outcast status of living off of Uncle Sam. Four-and-a-half years ago I found an accommodating full-time job that allowed me to get ahead financially, and break free from fixed-income status. Three years ago, due to some degenerating symptoms creating additional limitation, I requested some additional accommodation to keep me working full-time. During this year-and-a-half of full-time labor, I financially over-extended some (as is my wont), but would have been okay by continuing to work full-time. The company decided that their offer of accommodation was a demotion and a move back to a part-time position. There was no basis for this demotion, other than my request for accommodation---(a request to work from home 1 or 2 days per week, for which precedent had been set). I fought this circumstance and I discovered that under-employment is not against any labor laws, and there was no judicial precedent for discrimination based on under-employment. The fact that they offered any job at all apparently decreed that as a disabled worker I should be grateful for the opportunity, keep my mouth shut, and stay in my place. I believe in being responsible, and to that end I can say with confidence that I contributed to my current financial straits---(that misfiring synapse et al.)---I can also say, with confidence, that this specific, unexpected employment setback was very much a co-contributor.

Perhaps these are excuses, though I will continue to believe it is an explanation, and I will (beginning this week) test other's interpretation of my past circumstance. These thoughts and unpleasant reminisces have been prompted by my current need to apply for consideration and approval for new rental housing. The application process for the larger management groups is daunting; and painful.

So to further strengthen my case for explanation over excuses, I present the following thoughts/examples of applicable well-ordered circuitry. In the past 22 years I have had 3 landlords who will all provide outstanding references. One told me just yesterday that "anyone would be crazy not to rent to me." My circuitry is not so faulty as to not understand the priorities of a roof over my head and food on the table. My circuitry is not so faulty as to not understand my responsibility to take care of a tangible property or good entrusted to my care. My circuitry is not so faulty as to not understand the importance of personal relationships.

I am sorry to any one I have hurt with my poor financial planning; and I know I have done so in some limited indirect ways. But I also know, for the most part, the harm has been from a mere number---(me)---to nameless, faceless bureaucrats charging---(I acknowledge, agreed-upon)---exorbitant interest rates, gambling on my desperation and proven lack of financial judgement, knowing they have the power of wealth and the backing of the law to harass and belittle, thereby dismantling individual humanity. Strong words; but reflective of the frequently-felt reality.

Financially, I have failed. For whatever reason, I do not take money (or "stuff") as seriously as (by today's standards and criteria) I should. Recently that does feel synonymous with failing in Life. Rationally, I know better. But there are many days when reason cannot quell the painful emotion. I submit this sincere, deeply personal, written thought in the active hope that it will lead to a greater depth of understanding, and to a better tomorrow.

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I wrote all of the above in one sitting, early this week.  There is a stigma associated with financial failing; as there is with many human failings and weaknesses. In the face of this potential embarrassment and shame, I have struggled mightily deciding whether or not to publish this written thought in this space. Though my readership is light to (in actuality, it appears) nonexistent, I still take myself seriously. But by putting this out here I also recognize the relative insignificance of my personal circumstance, and I believe this public confession will help me to learn and grow by actively acknowledging the synonymous relationship between individual humanity and weakness. Perfection is impossible. Some hide flaws better than others. I am tired of hiding, and though not proud of my flaws, perhaps it is time to own them.

I choose the Pain and Joy of Life.

Stay ahead of the curve, and one day the world will catch up. If you are present when the world catches you and approves of you, you have fallen behind. The world may label you a success, but your lazy or lingering quiescence---your concern for and/or enjoyment of appreciation---has proven you a failure. Yet, it appears that a certain amount of recognition is necessary for functional productivity. These are puzzling and disturbing thoughts. These are thoughts that actively acknowledge the gap between greatest and good. These are thoughts that bear (a bright) light upon the frailty of one's humanity. These are familiar thoughts.

I believe it may not be necessary to expand on the written thought above. But due to the frailty of my humanity, I will probably do so, regardless.

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Or perhaps not...

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Except to say...

The ultimate transcendence---the unencumbered purity of spirituality---is only attainable if one is able to forever stay just far enough ahead of the curve to listen and question and understand, and not so near as to create distraction or weaken resolve; just far enough ahead of the curve to maintain sincere respect and interdependence, and not so near as to cloud judgment with pride or envy or greed; just far enough ahead of the curve to still marvel at love and light and beauty, and not so near as to be overcome by gathering clouds and unnerving shadows and impenetrable darkness; just far enough ahead of the curve to maximize functional productivity, and not so near as to create a longing to linger.

The ultimate transcendence---the unencumbered purity of spirituality---is only attainable through willing acts of balanced mutual beneficence.

The ultimate transcendence---the unencumbered purity of spirituality---is only attainable in this Life; in this World.

For those who believe in an Afterlife, I believe it must be earned in this Life; in this World.

For those who do not believe in an Afterlife, I believe a transcendence---an unencumbered purity of spirituality---can be created in this Life; in this World.

It does not matter what you believe; it matters what you do.