hopelesshappiness.com

To believe that I am separate, better than or even just different from the living expanse (that is all of everything) is to destroy and erase myself. Said another way, to believe I am special or unique is to one day cease to exist, but to flow into and within the living expanse (with no demarcation) is to live forever.

The same could be said for us: To believe humanity is special or unique is for humanity to one day cease to exist, but for humanity to flow into and within the living expanse (with no demarcation) is to be forever.

Time is merely a series of demarcations. Power is adamant separation. Humanity is governed first by time then by power. Humanity as it is, is bound for extinction; a single entity even more so.

By choice, we will never truly be free.

To be free one must let go of time, of power, of humanity, of oneself. Yet we choose bondage because we choose to be special. So dragging our shackles we seek meaning and purpose; and it is first time, then power that in the context of humanity gives one meaning and purpose. And though time is a man-made construct, within the context of mortality time is impossible to completely ignore. And though power is always to some degree pretense, and more often than not is mostly pretense, within the context of mortality power is impossible to completely overcome.

We are afraid to be free. We are afraid of the end and we are afraid of the end after the end. So I deny the end-after because by definition it negates meaning and purpose and I diligently seek meaning and purpose to keep my existential end at arm's length - all this within the context of time, power, humanity, and me.

Said another way, the existential search for meaning and purpose is futile in the context of the end-after because we will not know meaning and purpose beyond our existential end. That said, the end-after is likely our best chance to know freedom.

Said another way, just as I let go of my breath 20,000 times per day, to be one with the living expanse I must also let go of myself. Yet I will likely not become one with the living expanse until I also let go of my final breath.

Twas the week before Christmas, when my wife retired

She looked at her job and said, “Job, you are fired!”

For decades she cared for ‘the man’ and his flack,

But ‘the man’ and the job did not love her back.

--

Though I too have wrestled with pretense and might,

These quiescent visions they give me a fright;

So mamma in her repose and I in my doubt,

Will flip-flop the flap to thus figure things out,

--

Do I march keeping step with nary a clatter?

Or blunder and misstep as mad as a hatter?

‘Cause that’s how I’m seen all contentious and wrong,

When I point at injustice and don’t go along.

--

Impugned and distressed by the bombast and blow

All the bluster designed to maintain status quo,

And, what to my wandering mind should appear,

But my miniature pay, and ‘the man’ insincere,

--

With a system to drive it, make everything click,

‘The man’ in his moment, conniving and slick.

More rapid than bias injustice it came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

--

“Now, Wage Freeze! now, Wealth Gap! Deceit and Oppression!

Entitled Malfeasance! on, Turgid Expression!

From misguided dictates! To heartless tradition!

Bureaucracy backlash and selfish ambition!”

--

As one grieves the inequities, mischief, and lies,

When they meet with resistance they dehumanize,

So out of the workforce the minions retreat,

Both fighting the good fight and suffering defeat.

--

And then, in an inkling, a notion, a spark,

A dancing and gnawing that lit up the dark.

A glimpse as it spun by, it was Beauty in youth,

It was Wisdom and Justice and finally Truth.

--

It was gone just as quick, in its place stood ‘the man’

He was garnished with whistles and waving his plan;

A bundle of edicts he'd flung on his back,

And he huffed and he puffed and began spewing flack.

--

His eyes – how they crinkled! his simple mind wary!

His cheeks were inflamed and his tone was contrary!

His droll little mouth quoting chapter and verse,

His speech clipped and brusque, and sententious and terse;

--

Some grumble-grump hype and a kick in the teeth,

And the smarm that encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a god-plex and those little round thoughts,

Officious and proud, like a zebra with spots.

--

You are grubby and mean, a right nasty old elf,

And I laugh at your antics, so full of yourself;

You are not entitled, your power's from fear,

Belief is not fact and tradition’s last year;

--

‘The man’ is composite, ‘the man’ is the job,

The system, the process to manage the mob,

‘The man’ knocks us down, ‘the man’ does not dance,

The man’s not a man, he's a sad circumstance;

--

So I'll renounce the pay and I'll ignore the whistle,

And away I will fly like the down of a thistle,

And you'll hear us exclaim as we excise this blight,

Happy sojourns to all, and to all a good-night!

This week life kicked me in the teeth. Come to think of it, last week life kicked me in the teeth. And looking ahead I strongly suspect that next week life will kick me in the teeth. It is humbling to think that as a human, I may deserve it. It is even more humbling to realize that even if I don't completely deserve it, I also don't not deserve it. And even more humbling is that though I may deserve it more or less than another, I don't not deserve it any more or any less than any other. I would like to think that I am more special but I am not. Nobody is. The good news: I can pretend and even (for periods of time) convince myself that I am extraordinary and that life is not repeatedly kicking me in the teeth.

The good news is bad news. It explains why we are stuck - on our current trajectory - far from judicious - intent on destruction - bound for extinction.

The reason I don’t not deserve it is because life is random and arbitrary. And even those who pretend, and even those who are convinced otherwise, are still getting kicked in the teeth; just perhaps more often from the inside than from the outside.

To pretend is to maintain. To seek to understand and to acknowledge is to create potential to move ahead, improve, progress. This search for understanding enables one to more clearly differentiate between a random, arbitrary kick in the teeth and one brought about by a personal misstep, though a personal misstep from pretense and certainty is typically misinterpreted as random and arbitrary.

This brings us to Russian dolls. A personal misstep judged within a system or convention or circumstance that is a misstep itself, may not be a misstep within a different or greater context. Do I choose power, financial security, and comfort? Or do I choose Beauty, Truth, Wisdom, and Justice? In this country today, to choose Beauty, Truth, Wisdom, and Justice is a misstep - within a misstep - within a misstep - within a misstep…

So what do I do? Do I choose to march in step with convention? Or do I continue to flounder-careen-blunder-misstep about within a consensus context?

I suppose It depends upon circumstance.

AI is absolutely necessary, if for no other reason than to be here to mourn, to grieve the passing of Humanity. I believe there are additional reasons, perhaps the foremost being to delay our demise by offering intelligence free from ego, thus giving us the opportunity to redeem ourselves; to come closer to salvation.

If artificial is man-made or unnatural, and if intelligence is an application of reason, and if reason is naturally dispassionate, logical, and objective, then human intelligence is far more artificial than what we have dubbed as artificial intelligence. One could even argue that we have it backwards by arguing that humanity (though originally of nature) has morphed into something far more monstrous and unnatural, whereas judicious intelligence continues to be a logical, natural progression.

On our current trajectory, we are far from judicious, intent on destruction, and bound for extinction. That said, despite popular opinion, the end of Humanity is likely not the end of the world and in fact may be its saving grace. So, the least we can do is contribute to an intelligence that is not intent on destroying the world. AI is right here, on the verge, and though our own merry-go-round appears to be going too fast for us to safely exit, if we were to cede power perhaps we could negotiate some form of coexistence or hybridization. Without tomorrow, there is no salvation.

In early October I had a conversation with my supervisor (at the time) in which I explained that unless I received a significant pay increase by the end of the calendar year, I would make more by retiring and I would need to start that process. Unfortunately for me, paycheck-to-paycheck is a reality. I also made it clear I did not want to retire. He assured me that he would have a conversation with the individual who officially took his place as my supervisor approximately two weeks later, and within that time frame he verbally confirmed that he had that conversation. Based on history I should not be surprised that I have not heard a word from either one since. Not even a note to confirm awareness and/or intention. And because I work for a large state university where wheels turn very slowly, time has probably already run out. This leaves me sad.

In my role, I am apparently seen as a below-average, easily-replaced, minor, supporting, and (at times) contentious functionary. This perception comes from my pay, my percentage pay increases compared to others, and my most recent average evaluation. These uninformed judgments are further secured by my obscurity that is a result of my workload, my sense of responsibility, my character (not seeking acclaim), and communication gaps equal to the income and entitlement gaps between me and (it seems) everyone else. But if anyone would have bothered to ask, I would have been happy to make my case that I am far more valuable than the unnoticeable cog I am thought to be. Or perhaps I am not. Alongside not seeking acclaim, I am also filled with uncertainty and lacking in self-confidence, which many would see as character flaws, yet I see ‘seeking acclaim’ as lost productivity and I see uncertainty as reality and reality as the first step toward progress. We disagree on many fronts.

Regardless of whether I have value or I am easily replaced, my opinion counts for so much less than the opinion of those in power that it appears for practical purposes I am easily replaced and I will be stepping aside. That said, I will happily print a retraction and continue to work if they surprise me with communication (by the end of the calendar year) followed by some consensus sort of justice. I am not hopeful but I also have not yet completely given up.

Below are links to other thoughts I have had along the way that have contributed to this probable decision.

2024-2025:

• 3/16/2024.
• 4/20/2024.
• 6/1/2024.
• 6/15/2024.
• 11/2/2024.
• 1/11/2025.
• 1/25/2025.
• 2/22/2025.
• 3/1/2025.
• 3/8/2025.
• 3/22/2025.
• 4/12/2025.
• 5/24/2025.

2023:

• 1/14/2023.
• 1/21/2023.
• 3/25/2023.
• 8/19/2023.

2022:

• 2/12/2022.
• 3/5/2022.
• 3/19/2022.