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This week, as the moments passed, each time the wispy nature of my searching thought began to take shape and tantalizingly dance to and fro, it would stretch and thin and curl, and ultimately slip through my grasping fingers.

I want to understand... ...something; something related to understanding---I think. Or I might think it is related to understanding because I don't understand; and because in a sense I guess everything is related to understanding. It began, (and ended), with my inability to determine if my self-perception largely originates from within or from without. I would like to think one, yet I am quick to judge others as being largely bent toward the other; and the only difference between us in this regard, is self-perception; which makes me think that I am mistaken; which makes me think that without silently creeps within to a point of saturation; which makes me think that I am very possibly---that I may be---that I probably am---completely without. And this is just the beginning; (and the end).

As I have circled this initial challenge---(conundrum?)---this week, I have also stumbled over smart, stupid, and ignorant. Does stupid perpetuate ignorant? Is ignorant totally unrelated to stupid? To what extent is smart a prerequisite for ignorant? Will a self-perception of any one of these provide advantage? If I see smart and stupid as relative, measurable / comparable intelligence, and I see ignorant as being oblivious, uninformed, and/or misinformed, then the questions above become somewhat leading. And this gleaning, so far, has given me a three-legged, open-air platform of uncertainty and confusion; (of course there are more than three legs, but this week it is these three that have borne the heft of my thought).

Is there a way to build walls, (with windows, of course), and a roof?

Or even a canopy to limit my exposure to the elements?

I am doubtful that I can build it large enough, (or secure enough), for any one but myself.

And even if I figure that out, I believe most, (and probably all), would ignore/refuse my invitation to come in out of the wind and the rain.

It appears to me that most individuals want---(need?)---this interaction that influences---(and skews?)---perception.

It appears to me that most people are satisfied---(happy?)---living without.

It might be easier, (and more secure), to build walls and a roof; but by doing so I believe it would become solitary confinement. Some have found this preferable. I don't believe it would work for me.

A canopy might work... ...when weather is good. But when a strong wind knocks it down, do I expend effort to immediately raise it again? Or do I pack up and move away from the wind? Or do I work to hold my ground, understand, and perhaps utilize that wind? Though this last option feels the most beneficially productive, it is essentially the same as my original, open-air, raised platform of uncertainty and confusion.

So perhaps any effort toward long-term shelter is counterproductive.

But if this is the case, then I am, again, completely without.

Unless...

Perhaps...

I could construct a retractable canopy to be adjusted according to circumstance. If done properly, this might also create the potential for an inviolable within.

I believe there will be many moments in which my within is only a kernel compared to the magnitude of without; but I also believe that the strength of this kernel...

Regardless, the forever substantive influence of without, (even---especially---when it offers an illusion of certainty), must be balanced by some degree of within in order to maintain and recognize the reality of uncertainty and confusion.

I do not understand, because I should not understand.

My self-perception must include uncertainty and confusion.

When I weave the perception of another, (or others), from without into my personal platform, I must also retreat into that kernel of within to know that it is okay that I am simultaneously smart, and stupid, and ignorant. Even---especially---from within, I do understand how seemingly contradictory aspects of "me" can and should ebb and flow dependent upon circumstance and perspective. This week, these aspects, (or legs supporting my personal platform), of smart, stupid, and ignorant felt weighty and important; and I believe their seemingly contradictory nature, (after being personally identified with each one), created considerable confusion, which is where I began.

...And which is where I shall end.

I have observed that one of my (not infrequent) fallback forms of relaxation is to talk about how hard I work. I have observed the same in others. It feels that our preferred (and natural) state is moving more and more towards one of relaxation and comfort, and further away from the necessity of hard work. Though the discomfort from a spate of hard work is generally short-term, if one works hard every day, one is in a perpetual state of short-term discomfort; and most of us don't mind saying so. I might argue though, that the satisfaction resulting from daily hard work is of a much higher quality; and, the daily hard work gives me less time for the aforementioned verbal relaxation.

I might also argue though, that quality of life is more directly associated with comfort than with adversity.

So which is it? Am I working hard in pursuit of comfort? Or am I working hard in pursuit of a greater depth of understanding through adversity? The reality for me is that I must work hard to (on occasion) enjoy comfort. And I believe this to be perceived reality for most of us. (As an aid in understanding individual perception), if I measured output and determined that Individual A works harder than Individual B, I suspect that 'A' may see 'B' as languorous or lazy, but 'B' likely perceives their self as working hard for their comfort. And some may also see 'B' as working smarter, though I would not forget to factor in happenstance, (i.e. Luck), as well.

Here I go again---learning something...

As I think about it, I believe humankind has always worked hard to move toward comfort. To seek food, shelter, and warmth, IS our natural state. Just because it has been more difficult in some eras than in others, and just because it is more difficult for Individual A than for Individual B, and just because I seem to learn and grow more from adversity than from comfort, does not mean that I should seek pain, and it does not mean that I should encourage pain, and it does not mean that I should inflict pain, and it does not mean that I should be angry with one who experiences less pain.

Pain and adversity will find each one of us, to some degree, throughout a Life. Nonetheless, I should also not equate pain or adversity with hard work.

Pain and adversity create a necessity for hard work. But one may also work hard by choice, thus creating some discomfort and pain, which in turn creates a greater potential for learning and growth, and potentially lessens adversity.

I should equate hard work with learning and growth.

And I believe it to be this love of expansion, and the satisfaction inherent in the process of learning, that drives one to choose a perpetual state of short-term discomfort.

This week, someone said to me, "It is not work, if you love what you do." I believe on a deeper level, this sentiment can be translated to, "It is not work, if you love where it takes you."

There is gradual change (characteristic of much of one's life), and then there are definitive moments, (in which one can clearly see a "before" and an "after").

"Before the birth of our daughter..."
"After we moved to Louisiana..."
"Since we got married..."
"Before my first heart attack..."
"After Hurricane Katrina...."

In the midst of a definitive moment, you sense it as such. You feel the weight of today because today is more different from yesterday, than yesterday from the day before.

But because it has the weight of (often) far-reaching consequence, does this necessarily make a definitive moment important? I might argue that importance is defined moreso by those (more frequent) moments that make up the gradual change of a lifetime, because it is within these day-to-day moments where one is able to choose the "best" action to advance Goodness. In the midst of a definitive moment, I believe urgency often trumps importance, and I believe urgency is often the enemy of importance. I believe it is not the definitive moment that is important, but rather one's day-to-day reactions following said moment.

In the sense that a definitive moment moves one in a different direction, it is important; but in and of itself, the definitive moment is more simply a series of urgencies.

Which appears to mean that one should consider planning for and initiating a definitive moment, with care. Of course some definitive moments, (such as sudden illness or accident), simply happen with little or no warning. And in one's youth, some definitive moments appear, (at least to a segment of the responsible adult world), as reckless or not well-thought-out.

Yet, looking back, I might argue that these haphazard definitive moments have more potential for learning and growth, than do the well-planned, responsible definitive moments. I might argue that too much care will diminish spontaneity; and fun. I might argue that too much constraint will lead to some level of stagnation; and quiescence.

I look around and see some responsible adults who are bored, and are second-guessing some choices... rethinking some planned definitive moments. I see in myself that many planned definitive moments did not live up to expectations. And though I would not wish upon anyone, (nor would I recommend), a hurricane, or a disability, or a heart attack, these are the definitive moments that in recent years have taken me in new and beneficial directions. And in my younger years, lacking experience, I find those (sort-of) planned definitive moments to be the most rewarding... my marriage... the birth of my children...

Innocence may be reckless, but I am finding it to be the better alternative.

One, two, four, five, seven, six, nine, ten, eleven, thirteen, twelve... In recent weeks I have discovered that this is how some people count. My workload has recently increased, but the hours I am available to work, have not. So until "the powers that be" are able to effectively restructure, I have been given some limited temporary help, and others are pitching in when they can. To aid in this transition, I have created a number of process guides. When given these step-by-step, numbered sets of instructions and one round of training, more often than not, the instructions are set aside and these grown-up, responsible adults forget how to count. And even once they are on their own, if I am nearby, they often choose to ask me rather than to find the answer amongst all those nonsensical hieroglyphics.

Perhaps it is a question of ownership. Or power. Or comfort. Or perhaps, in this day and age of instant social contact at one's fingertips, it is simply an aversion to the impersonal nature of written instruction. As cultural diversity, social interaction, and individual aptitudes have evolved, (all, I believe, for the better), learning styles have also changed. So perhaps my expectations for one to take ownership, without power, and with some discomfort, and to additionally count accurately from 1 to 13 without becoming distracted, are too high.

Really!

Perhaps Not.

Perhaps instead, I am being too quick to judge, and my expectations, (instead of being too high), actually fall short. I say this now, because as the learning process (for these specific tasks), has advanced, I am beginning to notice fewer questions and more frequent referencing of the written process guides. And I have found that thirteen really should go before twelve, and we really can skip eight. We have improved the process. At the beginning, what I took to be an inability to follow instructions was instead, a product of the aforementioned advanced and evolving individual aptitudes. Learners today don't necessarily have an aversion to the impersonal nature of written instruction, but we do have an aversion to blind obedience. Learners today are skeptical. Learners today need to ask questions, and want to understand. This is good. My original assessment was wrong.

To extend this thought, I believe that this practice of skeptical questioning and this desire for a greater depth of understanding, is more apparent and easier to implement in an impersonal circumstance, (such as written instruction). To add a friend or family member, or even just an acquaintance or a stranger with a charismatic personality, creates a more personal circumstance which has the potential to discourage skepticism and quell disagreement. This is not good.

Did I mention that I was wrong in my original assessment?

It is much easier to be skeptical than to be questioned. When I think about that and actively acknowledge that it is much easier to be skeptical than to be questioned, I also realize that the more personal and/or the more emotional the circumstance, the more difficult it is to practice productive, two-way skepticism. Even with my active acknowledgement, if another does not also actively acknowledge the value of being questioned, the learning and growth is halved. And this is why the fringe is the fringe, and also why the mainstream is divided; a network of tributaries of varying widths and depths and speeds, that split and evolve and rejoin and split again, with the fringe running alongside on the banks, trying to simultaneously dig new channels and keep up. It is no surprise that, (at least for now), most individuals choose to float along on the widest, shallowest, slowest, safest branch they can find.

But it is also encouraging to learn that thirteen can come before twelve.

Late last week, I had a difficult and disturbing dream. A stainless steel dinner fork was being held to my ribs on my left side. It was being maneuvered in a way to find entry between my ribs so as to gain access to my heart. I could not stop it. Finally, after multiple attempts, the angle was steepened and a potential opening was detected. I felt the eating utensil slide between the ribs, and rip and tear its way upward. I felt all four tines apply pressure and then slowly and painfully pierce the quivering muscle. I awoke still perceiving the sharp pain. After a few moments, it began to subside. I lay awake for some time afterward working to understand what it meant that in my dream I would wield such a weapon and cause such pain to myself. It is hard to explain the simultaneous feelings of horror and satisfaction upon finding this unexplored passageway leading to my Lifeblood.

The day before this dream I had an echocardiogram. With coronary artery disease and 7 Stents, the test was normal procedure. Today, (Wednesday), I got a call from my doctor's office with the results. Last Fall, at the time of my most recent Stent implants, my ejection fraction was 33%. It is now at 55%, which is in the normal range. This is not good news... It is great news! I have been worried; and I am fairly certain it is this anxiety that encouraged the content of my dream.

In a sense, I feel vindicated. For the past nine months, I felt I was to blame for the damage to my heart; but if there is truth in that, there must also be some truth in taking credit for the improvement. And regardless of the reality that both blame and credit are commonly exaggerated, it still feels good.

The connection between body and mind and emotion is undeniable. To dream and realistically---(realistically, in the sense that it is taken seriously and impacts physical and emotional responses)... To dream and realistically represent unspoken feelings and fears in a mind glaze of hallucinatory symbolism, is (for me) an indicator of the untapped depth and breadth of my potential for understanding. I do not consider these sleep forays to be magical or mystical, and I would consider them from "the beyond" only if one considers this "beyond" to originate from within. Unexplainable though it may be, in my sleep, I can see further, and delve deeper. In my sleep, I have less of a say. In my sleep, I am more truthful. In my wakefulness, I am afraid.

I want to understand. I want to see further. I want to delve deeper. I want to be more truthful. I believe by opening myself to these dreams I am strengthening these abilities, and in turn I am productively confronting conscious fear and anxiety.

It is Thursday morning. Last night I had another disturbing dream, exposing another unspoken, personal truth. I will not reveal details for fear---(a product of my wakefulness)---others will judge. (On a visceral level, this dream was drastically horrifying.) Yet, (at the risk of sounding Freudian), I still maintain that these mindmares, when properly examined, have more potential to reveal deeper personal truths than the decorum of our daily wakefulness ever will.

I have consistently had disturbing dreams for some number of years now. And, (as implied above), in some regards they are thought-provoking and helpful. Do I have these dreams because I am more open to truthfulness? Or are they merely a by-product of my (healthful) diet, my (coronary) medicines, or some other chemical or biological process or influence? Though I just spent this much of this paragraph on these questions, as I ponder them, I don't believe they are relevant. Perhaps I needed to get past these questions to realize that it is the content of my dreams that is relevant. It is the content of these disturbing dreams that help me to see further, delve deeper, and speak unspoken personal truths; (just, perhaps, not out loud). And by recognizing these exposed anxieties and fears, I believe I am able to, (not only build creative tension leading to productive confrontation), but also provide a sharper contrast, thus adding discriminatory value, to those all-too-rare, meaningfully substantive feel-good moments, such as I experienced yesterday.

Which, in a roundabout way, brings me back to my dream and those feelings of satisfaction keeping pace with the more obvious and expected feelings of shock and horror. How/Why is that a feel-good moment?

... ... ... ... ...

I could present some mystical, Karmic reasoning, such as: By seeking a passage that leads from this plane of empirical existence, I was symbolically seeking a path to Enlightenment. And though this answer has some possibilities, it also has some impossibilities. I will move on.

... ... ... ... ...

Perhaps a more practical explanation for these seemingly inappropriate feelings of satisfaction is that I have lived a Life. And while I have been far, (far, far...) from Perfect, I am satisfied with my effort. And while the prospect of those final moments may be horrifying, I should actively and productively confront the associated fear of what comes after. Death is inevitable. I must work hard from this moment to that moment to maintain satisfaction with my effort. This week I felt a weight lifted and effort rewarded. Instead of weeks or months, I have extended my outlook to years or, (perhaps excessively optimistically), even decades; and I have been reminded to continue my effort. In. Each. Moment.

Today is Saturday. Late yesterday, as I wrote the last words of the paragraph above, I believed this post was complete. This morning I received an email from an old friend in another state, who is battling cancer. Near the end he wrote, "You beautiful people have enriched my life." This is an example of sharp contrasts that add value to life experience. This is what makes the effort worthwhile.