1.
I am not misunderstood. I am simply not understood. I feel bereft of my humanity under the questioning gaze of those I love; and of those I barely know. To stand exposed yet impenetrable, expressively transparent yet reflectively inexpressible, is to be cold; and dark; and lonely. I do not feel hatred emanating from this scrutiny. Nor is there anger, or disgust, or sadness. Simply a lack of understanding.
To find harmonious responsiveness is to fulfill a longing. There are many aspects of my daily effort in which I am accorded respectful tolerance, and some in which I feel a cooperative acknowledgement; but there is also an integral element of my personal being in which, when shared, I am frequently left feeling cold; and dark; and lonely. It is my nature to ponder the possibility that my thinking is askew. It is my nature to consider the odds of normality (or conformity?) vs. abnormality. It is my nature to seek affinity. And it is my nature to repel affinity...
...To repel affinity by being difficult; disagreeable; dissatisfied; obscure; caliginous; cryptic; contemplative; determined. I have worked to not be these things, but in these efforts I (eventually) interpret my behavior as (at the least) untruthful and (at worst) delusional. It at first appears to be a functional form of dishonesty and/or delusional behavior because it is behavior preferred by those who are otherwise at a complete loss to understand or explain my difficult behavior. And because others prefer it, this untruthful, possibly delusional behavior appears to strengthen relationships. But when I see it for what it is, it turns more dysfunctional, thanks to the addition of anger. Instead of being rationally difficult, I have now added a degree of volatility to my disagreeable, dissatisfied, obscure, caliginous, cryptic, contemplative, determined behavior. And this is why I work to choose and practice truthfulness. And this is why I am, (more often than I would like to be), cold and dark and lonely.
I can see you now... with that puzzled look... tilting your head to the right... squinting your left eye... raising that same corner of your mouth... wondering, "just what the hell is he talking about?"
2.
There is satisfaction in completion, though completion is an illusion; a wisp of a thought that provides closure, yet as soon as my head is turned, becomes invisible vapors leaving those realized desires open and unfulfilled. Regardless, when it is time to move on, the dreamy tendrils of accomplishment allow one to believe. In some cases I come back, knowing there is more work to be done. But in these cases it becomes a new task; a new desire; a new dream. I do not lose the satisfaction originally perceived. In this way I am able to continue.
I find it an invigorating and necessary process to work toward completion; misconception or not. To take this piece and fit it here; and to persuade this element to sidle up alongside a potential mate; and to slide this segment down further and nudge this part up a tad to strengthen the whole; and to realize that the potential mates are less compatible than I believed; and to make the difficult decision to banish, or even destroy, the weaker of the two; and then to add; and to rearrange; and to renovate; and to do it all over and over, until...
Until, there is satisfaction in completion.
3.
Dear World,
I should be more attentive to your comings and goings. I should learn how better to prowl in your darkness, and to prance in your light; to slither in your grasses, and to swim in your deepest seas; to migrate to far off lands, and to float gently down from your tallest trees; to be pummeled by your torrents, and to be carried by your winds; to ebb and flow with your tide, and to wax and wane with your dreams and desires. I have missed out on much. Throughout most of my first four-and-a-half decades my thought, my focus, my concentration has been on the ways of Humanity, specifically as those ways have impacted my personal microcosm. For this last decade my thought, my focus, my concentration has turned inward, seeking transcendence, and wisdom, and Truth; and in turn my active effort has been directed to encourage others in this same regard. Today I am learning that you World, have much to offer in this very regard, and that I must turn outward to learn inward. And I am sorry for my self that I am only now coming to this realization.
I at one time thought I was better than you. There are many days in which I still do. I am not. I never was. I never will be. On my best days World, I aspire to be you.
Walt Whitman said,
"I celebrate myself, and sing myself,
And what I assume, you shall assume,
For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you."
I will believe that this is your song to me; an invitation that I am unable to return in kind, until I fully understand. I will never fully understand. So on my best days World, I will sing it back to you as best I can. My nature will never live up to your nature. My dreams and desires will never flow as seamlessly as your dreams and desires. My effort will never match the intensity and the efficiency of your effort. My focus will never encompass the depth and breadth and beauty and immensity of your centeredness. My transcendence, my wisdom, my truth will never move beyond, (perhaps), the outer edges of the central hub within your infinity of discernment. My song, my discordant song, will never span the range of your talents; from your most peaceful lullaby to your most strident concerto, in this moment, in this thought, I am in awe.
Come later today, come tomorrow, there will be moments when I again suffer the delusion that I am better than you. If, World, you are the tiniest bit aware of my mostly insignificant indiscretions, please remind me of this moment, now, in which I aspire to be you. From your perspective, I realize that I am indeed "mostly" insignificant; but, also from your perspective, no matter how tiny my significance, I will never fully occupy its potential. I will always have room to grow. And this is what you ask of me. For our dreams and desires to mesh and flow in tandem, this is what you require of me. This is what you require of every living thing within your realm; which in turn requires every living thing within your realm to learn and grow and dream and desire together; as one. Because...
"For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you."
