hopelesshappiness.com

Each of the following questions imply the inverse of itself, and where applicable, descriptors are interchangeable and/or different ones can be added. (In this context, we will partially define "admirable Life" as making contributions that have value beyond one's descriptive label; even when those contributions are a result of conscious efforts made as a representative member of that group.)

If you are a Conservative, do you believe it possible for a Liberal to live an admirable Life?

If you are a Believer, do you believe it possible for an Atheist to live an admirable Life?

If you are a Bureaucrat, do you believe it possible for a Seditionist to live an admirable Life?

If you consider yourself to be a Financially Independent Person, do you believe it possible for a Person on Welfare to live an admirable Life?

If you are an American, do you believe it possible for an Italian to live an admirable Life?

If you are a Laborer, do you believe it possible for a member of Management to live an admirable Life?

If you are a Christian, do you believe it possible for a Buddhist to live an admirable Life?

If you are a relatively Healthy Person, do you believe it possible for a Disabled Person to live an admirable Life?

If you are a Liberated Consumer, do you believe it possible for an Environmentalist to live an admirable Life?

If you are over the age of 50, do you believe it possible that a young person under the age of 30 is living an admirable Life?

If you are a Skeptic, do you believe it possible for a Conformist to live an admirable Life?

If you are Heterosexual, do you believe it possible for a Person with an Alternative Preference to live an admirable Life?

If you are a White Person, do you believe it possible for a Black Person to live an admirable Life?

If you are a Man, do you believe it possible for a Woman to live an admirable Life?

If you are a Nationalist, do you believe it possible for a Citizen of the World to live an admirable Life?

Many individuals don't think twice, believing that varying beliefs and lifestyles add to universal potential and do not detract from individual value. And many of these individuals are changed by this, becoming more tolerant and empathic by listening to, and making an effort to understand, diverse opinions.

Yet some individuals are so strongly entrenched in their beliefs that any difference of opinion does lessen the perceived value and potential of another equally necessary individual. And some of these individuals have difficulty processing the concept of a universal potential.

I would like to travel back in 50 year increments, for at least 3,000 years, to ask the questions above and to track how we have changed.

I would like to travel forward in 50 year increments, for as long as there remains a species of humanity, to ask the questions above and see where we are going.

Or to find out where we are not going; and when.

I believe that focus on the individual discredits a universal outlook.

I believe that individual identity is (to varying degrees) molded by group association.

I believe that group formation---and as a result, group divisiveness---is dependent upon a focus on the individual and their perceived identity.

I believe that group divisiveness will, (seemingly unhurriedly, but nonetheless ultimately), lead to drastic and dire circumstance.

I believe that an increasingly substantial universal outlook may mitigate circumstance.

I believe, (with a very high degree of certainty), that the individual will not survive an extinction of the species.

Here upon a noonday dreary
As I ponder weak and weary
Asking of this Life... Whatever for?

It seems so cold, obscure, and gray
A welcome darkness lights my way
I hear them laugh as if to say
You should be asking Life for nothing more

...Only this and nothing more.

Ah, distinctly I remember
Each and every ghostly ember
As I passed my unforgotten lore

A shadow that I left behind
A spell once cast, would not unbind
A haunting o'er both soul and mind
To this shroud of gloom I thus implore

...Only this and nothing more

But no! My peace is not to be
A tap-tap-tapping comes to me
A tap-tap-tapping there upon my door

Please go your way I think aloud
Your tap-tap-tapping leaves me cowed
I much prefer my silent shroud
It is the light of day that I abhor

...Only this and nothing more

Presently my will grows stronger
Though the tapping taps no longer
Still I rise and walk across the floor

I walk across that vast expanse
As if there ever was a chance
To circumvent my circumstance
Knowing sorrow waits beyond that door

...Only this and nothing more

Listening but still not hearing
Long I stand here wond'ring, fearing
Waiting for that tapping at my door

But no, no tapping comes my way
Yet I can feel the light of day
And I can hear from faraway
A whisper from the depths ...Whatever for?

...Only this and nothing more

Back into the chamber turning
Every fiber stretched and yearning
Working to sweat grief from every pore

This grief though turns again to fear
When at my window I can hear
A tap-tap-tapping more severe
Across another vast expanse of floor

...Only this and nothing more

As I stumble filled with dread
Halfway there I turn my head
Surprised to hear a tapping at my door

Now I stand betwixt, between
How dare this tapping contravene
Its tendrils slither most obscene
This tap-tap-tapping creeping 'cross the floor

...Only this and nothing more

I cry aloud, "Please enter here!"
I cry aloud, "Come calm my fear."
And thus they come through window and through door

Alas, my fear grows strong and true
To see this currish, abject crew
To be this poltroon rendezvous
This Craven chorus breathes...Whatever for?

...Only this and nothing more

And though I fear I also marvel
To see this lot thus masked and larval
Scattered here about my chamber floor

Malicious grins, with lips bruised black
I dare not think to turn my back
My vigilance fends off attack
Must I now stand guard hence forevermore?

...Only this and nothing more

Though the Craven sit here waiting
I am soothed by contemplating
Their overpowering voiceless stoic roar

Yet through malevolence unspoken
Afraid and spent and nearly broken
Their valued nature a foretoken
That once again I'll be as once before

...Only this and nothing more

From whence they came I want to know
So if allowed with them I'll go
Upon their exit through my chamber door

What am I thinking? Look at them
This fancy taken, just a whim
I must remain steadfast and grim
To spurn pusillanimous amour

...Only this and nothing more

As the day grows long and weary
Watchfulness comes somewhat bleary
And so I shrink to cushions on the floor

Soon my mind begins to wander
Opportunities to ponder
Will I choose to use or squander
This Craven nature never used before

...Only this and nothing more

Here I sit engaged in guessing
Is this a curse? Or a blessing?
Do I stand strong?  Or do I wash ashore?

This sorry group of shabby men
Have given up; have given in
Each hateful look, each blackened grin
A weak-willed life; a simple-minded spore

...Only this and nothing more

Then, me thinks, the air grows colder
Baring loathing's lambent smolder
Surrounded by despair that I deplore

I cry aloud, "Be gone with you!"
"You wretched clump of residue!"
"I want to find my way anew!"
"Your sad, quiescent rage I will ignore."

...Only this and nothing more

They do not move, they do not budge
They look at me as if to judge
Am I worth the effort of their chore

With quiet tears I ask of them
Are we to live so smugly dim
Can I live purpose past a whim
This Craven chorus breathes ...Whatever For?

...Only this and nothing more

So we sit; an uneasy truce
Although they still work to induce
Companionship to last forevermore

I look into their cold dead eyes
I want to take them by surprise
I cry aloud, "Be Gone! Abscise!"
They sit as if they'll sit forevermore

...Only this and nothing more

Here I sit on cushions napping
When I hear a tap-tap-tapping
The Craven tap-tap-tapping on my floor

I jerk awake as they advance
Crawling across that vast expanse
My watchfulness knocks them askance
Yet still I'm less than what I was before

...Only this and nothing more

Here I sit on cushions napping
When I hear a tap-tap-tapping
The Craven tap-tap-tapping on my floor

I jerk awake as they advance
Creeping across that vast expanse
My watchfulness knocks them askance
Now once again I am as once before

...Only this and nothing more

...Only this and nothing more

Some days I am anxiously restless.

Some days I am simply restless.

Some days I am satisfyingly restless.

And some days I am restlessly satisfied.

By choice, I do not consciously experience complete satisfaction.

At first glance this appears to be a progression from more discomfort to less discomfort. But for me, this is not a progression because it is not successive; it does not advance in a particular order. The daily, (and on occasion, the momentary), proportions (of restlessness and satisfaction) feel random, but never purposeless. I believe complete satisfaction would feel purposeless.

This week I have been at the "less discomfort" end of the spectrum, and I believe it is this circumstance that has pushed me to consider "random" and ask the following questions:

1. In this context, how is "random" defined?
2. Based on the definition, are the proportions (of restlessness and satisfaction) actually random? Or have I made previous choices that have lessened this week's discomfort?
3. And if I am able, in which direction do I choose to impact my discomfort?
4. And why does less discomfort prompt me to consider the haphazard nature of my daily and momentary movement toward a future?

I am tempted to answer the last question first, but by doing so I do not want to mold and direct my answers (to the other questions) in a way that will support and justify this last answer. But through a more objective consideration attained from this current flow of written thought, I believe I can mitigate any bias and avoid a predetermined outcome. Or, perhaps not. Regardless, I cannot rid my mind of this thought:

In this moment I believe that the greater the discomfort, the greater the effort to move toward less discomfort, hence greater purpose and fewer off-topic thoughts. Conversely, the less discomfort (perceived or actual), the less effort necessary, resulting in less resolute direction and more (less-focused) tangents.

After elucidating this flow of thought in the two sentences above, I see that I have oversimplified. Though the basic structure remains, there is a complexity of layers beginning with discomfort vs. busyness. I could replace the word "discomfort" with the word "busyness" throughout this thought, and it would be as logical. The difference might be that discomfort is self-imposed whereas busyness is more commonly influenced by outside agents. Or, depending on the individual, there might be no difference. An argument could be made that the terms, (discomfort and busyness), are interchangeable; regardless of the impetus. Which raises the question, is busyness less productive than discomfort? And from productivity I could circle back to purpose, or I could detour into one of many side-roads in an effort to better understand the busyness of urgent vs. the discomfort of important. But having already driven down from restlessness and satisfaction to discomfort to busyness to productivity, all by way of purpose and effort and distraction, perhaps now I should work back to a more thorough examination of randomness and its impact on forward movement.

"Random: proceeding, made or occurring without definite aim, reason, or pattern." This is a dictionary definition. For this week's context I would include "beyond individual control" within this definition, (which I believe is implied). So to answer question #2 above, I will look at this concept of control.

It is interesting to note that when I feel more in control, I become more aware of my lack of control and conversely when Life is most chaotic my greater (perceived) purpose leads me to believe I am capable of regaining control. I also realize that in some (and perhaps a majority of) circumstance, these proportional differences between restlessness and satisfaction are (to an extent) delusional in that I am simply making adjustments so I am able to continue moving forward. The actuality is most likely that randomness impacts every choice before, during, and after, and therefore degrees of discomfort (or busyness) are (at least to an extent) accidental. If I have made previous choices that have influenced levels of discomfort, I believe the same choices in another week would not produce the same results. This being said, I also believe personal choice is important as a reflection of character.

So... even though I cannot control results through personal choice, I believe I can recognize my relative level of discomfort, and through consistent personal choice, I can work to increase it or decrease it according to perceived need; (perceived need for me is less discomfort when I feel more discomfort and more discomfort when I feel less discomfort). I also believe I can lessen the potential for delusional perception by strengthening my understanding of the inevitable randomness inherent in each moment. But, (assuming these thoughts are not delusional), is there an appropriate level of discomfort (or busyness) or am I doomed to forever seek, and never find, balance? And if, (as I believe), authentic (non-delusional) balance is unattainable, is it better to create more discomfort (or busyness) resulting in (perceived) purpose and/or direction, or is it better to work toward less discomfort (or busyness) potentially resulting in less (perceived) purpose and/or direction? It feels that I have consistently chosen greater discomfort (or busyness), but this examination has forced me to face a difficult question; a question that I believe is the culmination of this week's thought:

Is purpose delusional?

If purpose is "the reason for which something exists," and if I can't know my purpose with certainty, (which I feel, in this moment, I cannot know), then any purpose claimed, with certainty, is delusional. There are many individuals who would disagree.

At the beginning of this written thought I said that my personal proportions of restlessness and satisfaction never feel purposeless; (implying there must always be some restlessness that contributes to and validates purpose). Now I am asking, is this feeling delusional? Or am I simply confusing purpose with direction?

As I rethink this, I believe that if I have direction I can be consequential and significant, and if I wander aimlessly I am more likely to be inconsequential and insignificant, but I cannot be certain that consequential, significant direction is the same as my purpose. I look around and see many sentient beings interpreting the consequence and significance of their direction (as determined by personal choice), as their inimitable purpose of paramount importance; and I look around and see many other individuals who disagree by choosing their own personal direction. So if we cannot agree, and if we do indeed equate personal direction with purpose, then perhaps purpose is delusional, (or at the very least, misleading), because, (based on such widely-differing individual directions), it over-inflates one's sense of being, it makes one oblivious to the randomness in every moment of every day, and hence, it has the potential to create an illusion of control.

I believe a constant awareness of the inevitability of randomness is critical to productive forward movement. By deflating individual ego and by exposing the fraudulent nature of individual control, I believe I will maintain a restlessness that will encourage discomfort that will in turn guide me in a consequential, significant direction.

Last week I walked on a beach and watched the sun rise for three consecutive mornings.

This week a bureaucrat charged me a $10 late fee partially because a separate autonomous bureaucracy got bogged down and under-performed, but mostly because I overestimated the consistency of bureaucracy performance and I underestimated the ability of the bureaucrat to move beyond simple market transactions into the more complex realm of human transactions.

Last week a Boss threatened to fire "the whole damn crew."

This week a young woman stopped by a blood drive to sincerely thank the donors for her monthly blood transfusions.

This week I saw a television commercial that implied it is okay to NOT pay close attention when you are driving a motor vehicle.

This week I cooked and I ate well.

Last week I participated in a respectfully vigorous discussion on the topic: "If the wealthy deserve their wealth, then do the poor deserve their poverty?" And this ultimately included the sub-topic: "Which comes first? Wealth or power?"

This week I heard politicians call each other names.

This week I learned of an adversarial encounter that took place last week at the local University, while I was (irrelevantly) out of town. It was ignited by an inappropriate and divisive racial slur.

This week, (and last week), I shared company, conversation, and laughter.

This week we chose a restaurant where we received poor customer service and experienced long wait times; but we were not in a hurry, we were relaxed, and we did not complain. Nonetheless, one of the managers recognized the problems, visited our table, apologized, and said she intended to comp one of our meals. She must've gotten busy... I paid the full bill with a healthy tip, and we left satisfied, mainly because the food was hot and fresh.

This week I finished two books, continued on a third, and started two more.

This week I realized that I am not put in my place, but rather I am in my place and on occasion others clamber over me.

This week I found myself clambering over others.

This week I was chided for saying "I am doing good" instead of saying "I am doing well."

This week I read the Nietzsche quote, "He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how." This week I was privileged to read personal stories of Human interaction interpreted as "a why" despite, (and often as a result of), difficult circumstance.

This week I saw a player injured in a football game.

This week I (again) thought extensively about the difference between "long-term" in the context of my Lifetime, and "long-term" in the context of the entire history and future of Humanity.

This week I enjoyed music.

This week I got honked at and shouted at while crossing at a crosswalk. And, in a separate occurrence, I was given the right-of-way and given a friendly wave while crossing at a crosswalk.

This week I saw someone smoking a cigarette while riding a bicycle.

This week I saw a breakdown in communication that could have been avoided with better planning and follow-up. This strategic snafu impacted a day-long event that in turn had the potential to impact the direction of multiple young lives.

This week, (and last week), I enjoyed solitude.

This week I overheard a craftsman explain his craft with an unassuming confidence and a quiet satisfaction.

Last week I played in the sand with my granddaughter.

This week I reaffirmed that Life here is better than not.

This week I read a claim that for the first time in the history of Humankind we are potentially positioned to engineer our own destiny; that is, the destiny of the whole of Humanity.

To do so responsibly, the claimant, (Yuval Noah Harari, author of "Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind"), says that we must ask the question:

"What do we want to become?"

Or, more to the point:

"What do we want to want?"

And he goes on to say:

"Those who are not spooked by this question probably haven't given it enough thought."

Then he asks one final question:

"Is there anything more dangerous than dissatisfied and irresponsible gods who don't know what they want?"