hopelesshappiness.com

The two lines immediately below, (and repeated or paraphrased throughout), are from "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" by T. S. Eliot. These two lines have inspired all that flows and scuttles within.

"I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas."

My legacy found dark held by the depths
A riddled wraith of what was meant to be.

Those joyous youthful shouts of love and life
Concealed the truthfulness of destiny

And though I still work hard to find the light
I find its shades create an urgency

A hurried fear of what lurks in its gloom
My haste illuminates mortality

Is this the only light I am to find?
Impassioned, lonely, touched despondency

Or...

Is it the only light there is to find?
A reasoned flame of what is meant to be.

"I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas."

Even in the gloom of darkness yawning
When one is lost in thoughts of nevermore

If one discovers where the shadows sleep
A creviced lambency comes to the fore

Even in the grip of widespread whimsy
When one is lost in hopes of evermore

If one discovers where the shadows creep
A pockmarked, hazy earth comes to the fore

Even in the strength of public blessing
When one is lost in now forevermore

If one discovers where the shadows leap
A lonely, mindful flame comes to the fore

"I could have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas."

Instead I am a cinder all too brief
First flaming bright then dying dark and cold

Instead I am a song sung out of tune
A ballad left unfinished and untold

Instead I am a vulgar thought or deed
Beholden to my nature to uphold

Instead I am a question never solved
A riddle still too young yet now too old

Instead I am the madman on the fringe
An unseen fool left laughing uncontrolled

Instead I am a teardrop holding on
Not ready for the dust to re-enfold

"Instead I am a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas."

This week's headline:

PASSION TRUMPS ARROGANCE.

And I believe that in my lifetime, it will do so considerably more often than not.

Arrogance is interpreted.

Passion is felt.

Those most arrogant are most oblivious.

Those most passionate are most in touch.

Both the arrogant and the passionate define reality unrealistically.

Be the Passion misguided; or irresponsible; or uninformed; or shortsighted; or completely irrelevant, it is still Passion. Which means it is likely to be felt as sincere; and deep-seated; and strong-willed; and powerful; thus exciting more passion.

Be the Arrogance from perceived reason; or logic; or discernment; or comprehension, or power; it is still interpreted as Arrogance. Which means it is likely to come across as aloof; and condescending; and presumptuous; and overbearing; thus provoking more passion.

Passion remembers reinforcement and reward.

Arrogance forgets itself.

I am often chastised for excessive passion. And I am occasionally chastised for arrogance. From where I sit it feels like my incidents of arrogance would outnumber those of passionate excitability. Apparently my perception of reality is---unrealistic.

As long as there is factional passion, I believe widespread interpretations of arrogance are inevitable. So if arrogance is an unavoidable interpretation, then perhaps I am arguing for a universal arrogance (from comprehension and reason) first, followed by a purposeful passion. You would think the arrogant, being arrogant, could understand the power of passion and make it purposeful. So I have to ask the question, "Does arrogance necessarily exclude passion?" If so, then I am arguing for the power of passion to continue its assault on arrogance. If so, I see no other way.

I believe it can be consensus opinion that I am not in the future; and I am not in the past. I believe we can all agree that I cannot time travel. Yet my mind can dwell in the past; and my mind can nest in the future; though I remain in the moment. But if I am my mind---if my mind cannot "be" apart from me---then is my mind a delusion only when it resides in the past or future? Or is the entire concept of "mind" a delusion? Or am I indeed spanning temporal reality? I believe that my mind, when I perceive it to be in the past or in the future, is a projection of momentary anxieties---anxieties working to create an illusion of control. This is why, if through focused effort, I am able to anchor my mind, to me, here, within this moment, I am able to glimpse a moment of peace.

And in the next moment? My mind wants to wander; backwards; and forwards. I must work---my mind must work---in every moment, to stay tethered to that moment. When my mind drifts, I, of course, have no choice but to follow.

And when we stray---when I stray, from the moment---I am unable to recognize the futility of control; I have lost all possibility for momentary peace; and I often find anger; or disgust; or fear; and I sometimes find sadness. This is the path to negativity.

And when we stay---when I stay, within the moment---I am unconcerned with control; I glimpse momentary peace; and I often find joy; or trust; or surprise; and I sometimes find sadness. This is the path to positive creativity.

Now that I understand, for the moment, the inseparability of myself and my mind, is it such a large leap to grasp the oneness of all sentient beings. And from there, is it a much larger leap to know the interdependence of all living things. For some, these are contentious topics; I believe this is so because some are unable to incorporate into their thoughts and plans the reality that when one faction, or when one individual, or when one sentient being, or even when one living thing drifts, we all must, (to varying extents), follow.

And when we stray, we are unable to recognize the futility of control; we have lost all possibility for momentary peace; and we often find anger; or disgust; or fear; and we sometimes find sadness. This is the path to negativity. This is the path we are on.

If we were to stay, within the universality of the moment, we would be unconcerned with control; we could glimpse momentary peace; and we could more often find universal joy; or trust; or surprise; and we would (and should) sometimes find universal sadness. This is the path to positive creativity.

Having learned from the past, we should live in the moment, for the future.

This is not a Philosophy. To work on a philosophy for daily living, would necessarily require me to influence others. To work to influence and convince others to follow a path to positive creativity---the staggering enormity of this endeavor---would, (if not necessarily), quite likely require me to remove myself from the moment.

This is a Spirituality. To work on a spirituality to incorporate into my daily living, would necessarily require me to influence from within. To work from within to follow an individual path to positive creativity, I believe, has the potential to help other individuals return to the moment by being there with them, and, as necessary, in their service. Occupying this moment together allows for the possibility of a shared glimpse of peace.

This is not a Philosophy. This is a Spirituality.

This is an individual Spirituality.

This is an imperfect, individual spirituality in search of Perfection.

I am forever working.

I am forever straying.

I am forever learning.

I am a barbarian. Or, if you prefer, a troglodyte; a philistine. I am here to confess. I am a bad man. I am a degenerate; that is, "a person who reverts to an earlier stage of evolution." I had evolved. I had become more refined; more cultured. This week I took a step backwards. This week I found myself feeding at the trough. After more than 2,438 days I consumed Fried Fast Food. Yes! I had 2 Buffalo Chicken Strips and a Small Order of French Fries. I am embarrassed and ashamed. I am glad no one I knew, saw me. Regardless, I am guilty.

Granted, I did my research first. I found a $5 snack pack with only 470 calories, 20g of fat, 2.5g of saturated fat, and 0g of trans fat. That's Total! For both chicken and fries! That's less, in all categories, than the lower fat Kettle Chips I (more and more frequently) allow myself to consume in one sitting. So why do I feel the need to confess. Why do I feel criminal? And remorseful? And wicked? And wrong?

Perhaps it is because I feel like it is "another" step backwards. A few months ago, I allowed myself baked oven fries. About a year before that I allowed myself the aforementioned (pernicious) lower fat kettle chips. A few months earlier still I gave in to the siren song of baked potato chips. And before that? Yep; it was mashed potatoes. And earlier still? It was a plain baked potato. And the Chicken? I can trace that back to my sister-in-law's most delicious fried chicken 4 years ago on my birthday. There have been other lapses. I have even advanced from going five years with no salad dressing to now taking regular advantage of Raspberry Vinaigrette.

Where will it stop?

At this rate, one day when I'm 75, I may find myself before a heaping half-empty plate of chili-cheese fries, not knowing how I (or they) got there.

And think about it. The fact that I did the research proves beyond any reasonable doubt that it was not simply a moment of weakness. Nor did I get caught up in the heat of the moment. There was no frenzy of fast food fanatics forcing me to go along with the crowd. Nor did I do it out of anger or any other negative emotion. This was planned! Premeditated! A clear-crinkle-cut case of first degree felonious assault on an unsuspecting bag of fries and two defenseless chicken strips. I am a miscreant.

I have been worried for years that each concession to the seductive enticement of progressively prepared potatoes would lead me down this road to fried perdition and right back to the fast food fold I am so fond of. And there I was; mid-afternoon Wednesday; furtively watching the door hoping not to see familiar faces while savoring the salty crispy goodness of french fries and fried chicken strips. I am weak.

Despite the tongue-in-cheek tone, I do feel guilty and I am uncertain how to proceed. Some would say, (and some have said), that, in moderation, the occasional relapse is not a worry; especially since the nutritional content is actually an improvement. I might argue that it is not the incident, but the ever-broadening continuation that is concerning; and less fat now is not less fat down the road if it leads to more fat. Duh! Some might say I should deny myself fast food friedom and return to the kettle chips; but I might argue that this regression has made me aware of multiple regressions stretching back to the beginning, and perhaps that is suggesting that I begin again, allowing myself a daily snack of only 29 reduced fat, (small) baked cheese crackers. I went cold turkey (literally and figuratively) once; I can do it again.

But then the bad man inside my head reminds me that undeterred by the healthy habits and the dramatic turnaround in blood profiles, my arteries still desired the company of three additional stents just a year ago. So, (as the bad man's logic goes), why not enjoy a few flavorful, fried delectables along the way.

Some would say, the bad man makes sense. And some of them would argue that he is not a bad man; merely reasonable. I might argue that if you have one rope with two knots and another rope with two knots and you tie them together then it is reasonable to surmise that 2 + 2 = 5. And in the case of my stents, (since one is inside another), it is reasonable to infer that 7 = 6.

So...

1. I can continue eating french fries, leading to who knows what.
2. I can return to oven baked fries and/or kettle cooked chips and risk further relapse.
3. I can go all the way back to 29 tiny cheese crackers per day, accompanied by cold turkey for lunch and dinner.
4. I can listen to the bad man and believe that no matter the effort made, soon 7 will equal 9; or 10; or infinity.

I don't like the bad man.

But I most certainly liked those French Fries.

I don't want to listen to the bad man.

But I do hear the call of more French Fries.

I am the bad man.

And I know my way around a guileless bag of French Fries.

Perhaps though, if I stop, I will keep infinity at arms length.

Or perhaps not.

Either way, my mouth will still water each time I remember those French Fries; this past Wednesday; November 2nd, 2016; from 2:32pm until 2:49pm. They were tasty...

Each of the following questions imply the inverse of itself, and where applicable, descriptors are interchangeable and/or different ones can be added. (In this context, we will partially define "admirable Life" as making contributions that have value beyond one's descriptive label; even when those contributions are a result of conscious efforts made as a representative member of that group.)

If you are a Conservative, do you believe it possible for a Liberal to live an admirable Life?

If you are a Believer, do you believe it possible for an Atheist to live an admirable Life?

If you are a Bureaucrat, do you believe it possible for a Seditionist to live an admirable Life?

If you consider yourself to be a Financially Independent Person, do you believe it possible for a Person on Welfare to live an admirable Life?

If you are an American, do you believe it possible for an Italian to live an admirable Life?

If you are a Laborer, do you believe it possible for a member of Management to live an admirable Life?

If you are a Christian, do you believe it possible for a Buddhist to live an admirable Life?

If you are a relatively Healthy Person, do you believe it possible for a Disabled Person to live an admirable Life?

If you are a Liberated Consumer, do you believe it possible for an Environmentalist to live an admirable Life?

If you are over the age of 50, do you believe it possible that a young person under the age of 30 is living an admirable Life?

If you are a Skeptic, do you believe it possible for a Conformist to live an admirable Life?

If you are Heterosexual, do you believe it possible for a Person with an Alternative Preference to live an admirable Life?

If you are a White Person, do you believe it possible for a Black Person to live an admirable Life?

If you are a Man, do you believe it possible for a Woman to live an admirable Life?

If you are a Nationalist, do you believe it possible for a Citizen of the World to live an admirable Life?

Many individuals don't think twice, believing that varying beliefs and lifestyles add to universal potential and do not detract from individual value. And many of these individuals are changed by this, becoming more tolerant and empathic by listening to, and making an effort to understand, diverse opinions.

Yet some individuals are so strongly entrenched in their beliefs that any difference of opinion does lessen the perceived value and potential of another equally necessary individual. And some of these individuals have difficulty processing the concept of a universal potential.

I would like to travel back in 50 year increments, for at least 3,000 years, to ask the questions above and to track how we have changed.

I would like to travel forward in 50 year increments, for as long as there remains a species of humanity, to ask the questions above and see where we are going.

Or to find out where we are not going; and when.

I believe that focus on the individual discredits a universal outlook.

I believe that individual identity is (to varying degrees) molded by group association.

I believe that group formation---and as a result, group divisiveness---is dependent upon a focus on the individual and their perceived identity.

I believe that group divisiveness will, (seemingly unhurriedly, but nonetheless ultimately), lead to drastic and dire circumstance.

I believe that an increasingly substantial universal outlook may mitigate circumstance.

I believe, (with a very high degree of certainty), that the individual will not survive an extinction of the species.