Perhaps we are pedestrian because it helps us to deny that we are afraid, anxious, discouraged, apprehensive, nervous, suspicious, timid, abashed, cowardly, trembling, daunted, disturbed, intimidated, perplexed, rattled, disheartened, timorous, upset, worried, distressed. We work so hard to not be these things, we work so hard to prove to others that we are not these things, and in this hard-working waywardness we allow those with more to lose, those who are more afraid, to bluster and fear monger and overpower and we throw up our hands with a little cry of helplessness and continue to pretend and go along. And yet, despite how hard we all work, in the end we are exactly all these things.

If one is looking for assurances, certainty, control there are good reasons to be afraid. And being human, to some extent, each and every one of us would like to be reassured. I believe we find this comfort by trusting in someone or something. I believe our trust is far too often, misplaced. In theory trust works best when mutually reciprocated, and this give and take is most likely found with a someone in a personal relationship. Yet we more often than not tend to dilute and taint our personal relationships with a context. And on these larger scales (such as cultural, regional, national, spiritual identities, systems and beliefs), we find it much easier (often together) to trust prepackaged bureaucracy, convention, certainty, division than to experience the discomfort of unproven, untried change; it is much easier to trust something you (think you) know than it is to trust someone you do not know. Yet, looking closely, trusting someone we don’t know is exactly what we are doing in every occasion in which we overtly or otherwise support the status quo. Looking closely, and from a distance, it is more than obvious that the something is not at all trustworthy. The status quo is not working. The status quo has never worked as one can clearly see by looking back and documenting change throughout our history, yet we still fight to maintain it, and for each day, (today more than ever), that it remains the status quo, we should become more and more afraid.

Perhaps in my role as an alarmist, this also makes me a fearmonger. But if we must fear something, (which we must, admittedly or not), I would rather we fear our current trajectory’s inevitability than to fear the change necessary for our survival.

I believe by choosing the bureaucracy, convention and certainty of division, (of fearing one another), over the Beauty, Truth and Wisdom of Justice, (of fearing the unknown), one is not choosing conservative thought over progressive thought, nor is one choosing one individual representative over another. I believe this choice is made because it helps us to deny our ignorance and loneliness. We are more afraid of what we should fear less because it helps us to be more comfortable; forgetful; blissful.

And as with arbitrary and pedestrian, if one is to move beyond aware into active, if one is to be truthful about one’s fear and/or other failings, one must disengage their ego. I understand and acknowledge that awareness is a necessary step toward change, but it is not change. We congratulate ourselves on our knowledge, put it in a shiny glass trophy case, and pull it out only to dust it off and reposition it so the different angle looks like progress. This week at work a topic reared its ugly head and we all gravely shook our heads and maintained we were working on it, researching, mulling it over, adding it to agendas, creating to-do lists, asking a committee to form a sub-committee. We’ve been saying these same things for the four years I’ve been aware. Awareness is not change and at work I have relatively little power. As an individual though, I have more power to actively find advantage in my fear and to use that to move me to action. I did that recently by taking a pay cut to move into a position where after a certain amount of vigorous head-shaking agreement, perhaps I can make a bigger difference. Or, perhaps not. I am, to a greater extent than I want to be, at the mercy of circumstance, and perhaps the action(s) I take will be of little or no or (even) negative consequence. But progress will not come until one moves from awareness to active awareness to focused peace, purpose, reason and passion in the effort to gain ground on Justice. Lofty aspirations. Unrealistic? Perhaps yes, on larger scales, but I don’t believe so much so for an individual.

Still difficult though because I am arbitrary, I am pedestrian, I am afraid.

If I am arbitrary to help me deny that I am pedestrian, and if I am pedestrian to help me deny that I am afraid, then it is reasonable that I am afraid because I am arbitrary.

This is a good bit of awareness. I am working to move it to action.