Money. How can a made up construct, a nonexistent entity, have such sway? So much influence? All this power? It is an entity because it does have a life of its own. And it gives life to pride and shame and regret and overconfidence and fear. And if it does on occasion give life to a beneficial or positive feeling, it is always short term and/or never enough. I have family members who need financial help, and I am unable to help. I have other family who could provide support, (and I believe they would if asked), but I fear their judgement. And the fact that they would judge is not a fault; it is simply a result of how we (and most all Americans) were raised within (what I now see as) the money/power driven delusion of capitalism. When I see someone in trouble, I also instinctively judge. I do understand because I am you; I frequently only see the bad choices 'they’ made and I choose to blame. And maybe within this dichotomy of power/inequity, Power is right and I am wrong. Maybe it is not power/inequity; maybe it is power/weakness. Power must be power for a reason; right? So I must be trapped and poor for a reason as well; right? I said last week, “According to power, I am in my circumstance because of choices I made. If my circumstance is bad, my choices must have been bad. Power sets traps then blames the individual for stumbling into them.” Then power demands we keep our failings secret. Though I frequently look at other's choices and label them as bad, when it comes to my family in need I see the traps, the unfairness, the injustice, and I am angry, and I frequently blame myself because I should have done a better job of warning them about the traps. Yet I also still fall into traps. Or am I being pushed? Are they being pushed? Is it weakness? Or is it injustice?

This week I received a 2% pay increase. Last year I received no raise but (as part of the team) was required to take one week off unpaid. The previous year was my first year in this position and (by choice) the year before that was my first year off Social Security Disability Income. SSDI paid me more than the job I accepted to come back to gainful employment three years ago. And in my current circumstance, when I do the math (if I am in this position for another year) my average hourly pay over three years will amount to ½ cent more than my starting pay. Yet according to power, I “exceed expectations.” Power tries to be clever. And looking at this history, some would say I am trying to be dumb.

It is encouraging (though not particularly helpful) that others see what I see. Just within the scope of my limited research, I am constantly, (I mean every day), exposed to expert opinions and ideas for progress, but there is a catch – most all of these ideas require some degree of empathy and universal interdependent cooperation. One example is The Venus Project: “a non-profit organization that presents a new socio-economic model utilizing science and technology toward social betterment to achieve a sustainable civilization of abundance for all, without exception.” Last week I said “We are smart enough to know better. But somehow, we are not smart enough to do anything about it.” We do not listen to experts; we listen to divisive rhetoric and we act upon a delusional power driven system of short term survival. According to The Venus Project, “Our present culture is driven by technically incompetent politicians, scarcity-oriented economics and a system of obsolete values. In order for us to make the transition to this new, more humane society, a quantum leap in both thought and action is required.” And they go on to say, “The problems we are faced with today cannot be solved politically or financially because they are highly technical in nature. There may not even be enough money available to pay for the required changes, but there are more than enough resources. This is why The Venus Project advocates a transition from a monetary-based society to the eventual realization of a global resource-based economy.”

Unattainable utopian dream? Or an idea that might save Humanity? I am in favor of ideas. As a result of the pandemic, I believe we have come around to a greater acceptance of the idea of a universal basic income; yet on our current trajectory in our present culture, it will be decades before it might make any significant difference. Four years ago I proposed “this” idea; yet on our current trajectory in our present culture, any reconstruction of this magnitude I fear will only come about too late. I frequently talk about working to save the world. Others frequently talk about working to save the world. Crazy talk; right? Who knows what ‘road to perdition’ actual implementation of a ‘crazy’ idea might put us on? Who knows where even a little bit of progress might lead us? Food Security? Homefulness? Equitable Health Care? Equitable Education? Equitable Taxation? Reparations? A Sustainable Planet? Mutual Empathy? Mutual Compassion? Survival? On our current trajectory in our present culture, we need not worry about any such abominable results.

More immediately, I need help. My family needs help. I am afraid to ask for it. I am embarrassed. Ashamed. I am being selfish. I am angry. I am sad. I blame myself. I should be less of a thinker, less of a dreamer, less of a worker, and more of a provider.

This week marks 10 years of weekly written thought. Nearly 500,000 words and over 550 posts that have not made me a better provider. So to what end? Sanity? Perhaps… yet I have never in my Life been as disillusioned as I am in this moment.

I have no following; no readership – by choice. I have told no one of this weekly effort because I have believed attention would make me more guarded; less truthful. I believe this week I might send my family a link to this post. If I am to champion change, I should not fear judgement. Perhaps this 10 years of reclusive contemplation is enough to push me past my fear. Perhaps the fact that I have never in my Life been as disillusioned as I am in this moment is an indication that this moment is the moment in which I share; in which I ask for help.

I will continue to blame myself. I will continue to be angry. I will continue to work at saving the world. But the fact remains, I need help.