To go to sleep is good. In sleep, I forget; and/or I don't recognize it for what it is. It is reality; it is the thoughtlessness of we as a people, as a culture, as a nation; it is the sadness and the anger that wells up inside of me; it is the realization that the improvements many of us plan and hope for are baby steps, too little and perhaps too late.
…
Today I read news about skyrocketing evictions and increasing food insecurity. Today I touched instances of eviction and food insecurity, at arm's length, but still personal. The all-encompassing heartache and grief that accompanies this anxiety and suffering, even at arm's length; I feel like I am drowning. We could solve these problems, but we continue to insist that the rich get richer, and suffer less, and live longer. And we continue to insist that the poor are different, undeserving, lesser beings who have trapped their selves. And we continue to insist that misfortune and scarcity and oppression do not justify an uprising.
…
Today I read news about an immunocompromised Florida teen who contracted coronavirus and died after attending a large, maskless church party and after being given at least one dose of a drug championed by our president and denounced by the FDA. Her mother is a nurse; her father, a physician assistant. An education, a title, the ability to google, does not substitute for thoughtful uncertainty, careful consideration and a sincere desire to learn. The widespread ignorance perpetuated by today’s widespread refusal to admit ignorance; I feel like I am suffocating. I am ignorant in so many ways, of so many things, as we all are. Yet we continue to insist there is a right and there is a wrong. And we continue to insist that tradition justifies fatuity. And we continue to insist on fighting fire with fire.
…
Today I read news about controversy surrounding new rules taking away some protection for targeted poor people regarding payday or (the often-used synonym) predatory loans. The payday loan industry welcomes the changes in the midst of tens of millions of additional consumers now out of work due to the coronavirus. I am not out of work, but I am one of the working poor who now comprise, (according to some estimates), 50 to 60 percent of working households, living paycheck to paycheck, likely unable to come up with $1,000 for an emergency car repair. I have managed to reduce my high interest credit cards and loans to fewer than 10, but it has taken years. It confounds me how those who pay the most in interest and fees are those who can least afford it. I suppose I am fortunate that I have never needed a payday loan; only usurious credit cards that will outlive me. The different levels of financial distress and desperation and hopelessness translate for many (perhaps most) to personal feelings of distress and desperation and hopelessness and failure; some days I feel like I have been buried alive. Yet we continue to insist that financial and material goods define the person. And we continue to insist that taking advantage is marketing. And we continue to insist that poor and desperate is a consumer group, and 400% interest is a just punishment.
…
Today I read news about a supreme court decision in which 7 of the 9 justices interpreted that teachers at church-run schools are not protected from anti-discrimination laws because in their role they are religious leaders. Okay; perhaps I disagree with the lack of protection, (I definitely disagree with the lack of protection), but I can follow the reasoning. What I do not understand is that in the two cases presented, one had her teaching contract canceled because she had been diagnosed with breast cancer, and the other refused to retire after decades of teaching so her contract was simply not renewed. In the majority opinion, Justice Alito wrote “The religious education and formation of students is the very reason for the existence of most private religious schools… [and] …Judicial review of the way in which religious schools discharge those responsibilities would undermine the independence of religious institutions in a way that the 1st amendment does not tolerate.” Is there a commandment I missed about teaching into retirement age? And where in the bible do we find the verse about breast cancer and sin? I do understand the court's logic behind the decision, but for the church it appears to serve as a loophole allowing for a complete lack of accountability; and here I thought that’s what God is all about. The double standard coming from subjective interpretation and/or precedent and/or fine print and/or politics and/or who can afford a lawyer and/or who makes the rules and/or who decides who has to follow what rules and/or the way the wind is blowing, (Yes! That Double Standard!), is not a valid substitute for Wisdom and Goodness coming from a search for Truth; I frequently feel like I am literally tied in knots. Yet we continue to insist that every individual is equal under the law and that justice is just. And we continue to insist on piling laws upon regulations and agencies within departments and precepts protecting status and covenants breaking backs, all in an endless procession of incomprehensible bureaucracy. And we continue to insist that legal = ethical and not-caught or not-brought-to-justice or not-held accountable = not-guilty.
…
Today I read news about how more than 10,000 religious organizations have received at least $3 billion in coronavirus financial aid from our government, including wealthy televangelists accused of fraud, and advisers to president Trump. These loans are through the Small Business Administration, Paycheck Protection Program; (PPP). The highest loan amount category available for any organization, from this report, was those who received between 5 million and 10 million dollars; and of the 19 organizations who received this amount, 7 were religious organizations affiliated with the catholic church. These are secretive organizations that do not pay taxes, they do not have to reveal where they obtain their funding, and they are not subject to anti-discrimination laws. I understand that the spirit of the program is to keep workers from losing their jobs, but when only 60% of the funds must go to salaries for the loan to be forgiven, we could add a “P” and say Powerful Pretentious Piety Pays. I feel sick to my stomach. Yet we continue to insist that religious organizations are untouchable. And we continue to insist that the separation of church and state is a convenience to be interpreted on a case-by-case basis. And we continue to insist that God is on our side.
…
Today I read a story that contrasted written thought with written memory. If there were a device with which I could scroll back and see the reality of a memory, I am confident that I would find my memory faulty. To write down thoughts helps one to think and analyze, deconstruct and reconstruct, merge and flow, and seek (and perhaps glimpse) the unattainable Truth. But to dispute perceived reality (i.e. memory) with reality (i.e. written or recorded memory) creates conflict and divisiveness both within and without, and further establishes entrenchments and fortifications. There is no way to argue perceived reality without a written or recorded memory. And there is no way to argue that the written or recorded account is 100% objectively accurate unless it is seen and understood completely in context. And there is no way to understand a moment completely in context without considering perceived reality. So, there is no way to argue perceived reality without threatening the very essence of the moment within which an individual resides. And to destroy an individual’s moment is to threaten the very essence of the individual. And to consider my essence in the midst of conflicts and divisiveness and entrenchments and fortifications and written thought and memory and context, and perceived and unperceived reality, and a Truth that is unattainable, I feel like I am simultaneously lost at sea and lost in a massive desert, with no sign of land or water, but still with the will to survive. Yet we continue to insist that I am most important and we have all the answers and they are wrong. And we continue to insist that we are not lost and that this land is my land and that this water runs deep. And we continue to insist that the Truth is attainable and that my story is Truth.
…
I wake up every day to the underlying reality of oppression and ignorance and exploitation and double standards and disdainfulness and dogma and inflexibility and failure; sometimes close-to-the-bone, sometimes personal, sometimes hazy or distant, but always there. It is good to wake up. So many of us prefer sleepwalking through our days; imagining land, and water. Awake, I am at sea. Awake, I am in the desert. I see the thoughtlessness of we as a people, as a culture, as a nation; I feel the sadness and the anger that wells up inside of me; I realize that the improvements many of us plan and hope for are baby steps, too little and perhaps too late. There is a time for sleep. Not today. Today, it is time to wake up.